Remember Me Not?

One's memory is a very complex and precious gift. Over a lifetime, we store away so many different memories and experiences that make us who we are. Some of them are memories that we want to cherish forever and never forget. They are the moments that made us say, "I wish this would never end." Then, there are the memories we would rather not remember. They are the memories that are connected with some kind of negative experience that is laced with sadness, pain, humiliation, or something with an unpleasant undertone.

Have you ever wished you could forget (or even completely erase) a memory; maybe even a cluster of them? Have you ever wished that your recollection of an event, or a person, could totally vanish from your mind? I know I have! I doubt there is a single person out there that hasn't felt that way at one time or another. We all have people and things that we would like to forget. Wiping out the memories would mean wiping out whatever pain was caused.

That is the concept behind the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." Joel and Clementine (played by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) have apparently had a rough relationship. Clementine elects to have her memories of Joel erased. When he finds out about this, he elects to do the same. However, in his dream-like state during the procedure, he decides he doesn't want to let her go. He realizes that his decision was a hasty mistake and that even though it may hurt to deal with the memories, there are a lot of things he doesn't want to forget. Whether they were good or bad memories, they impacted him in some way that helped shape his life for the better. So, he tries everything he can to thwart the process and preserve what he can before the memories are gone.

Even though the procedure apparently worked on both of them, there seems to be a mysterious void that they can't explain. I suppose that that feeling of awkwardness and uncertainty would be maddening. I think we all have those moments where we feel like we should remember something or someone and can't. It's a very odd feeling when you feel like there is some kind of missing piece, but you don't know what it is. It's even worse if it's staring you in the face and you don't realize it (or realize it too late).

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, so I won't delve into it any further. All I will say is that you simply HAVE TO watch this movie! It's amazing, deep, thought provoking, and has a few surprises in it! It definitely has a lot of food for thought!

The thoughts I'm chewing on are probably the things that most people will be thinking to themselves after watching it. If erasing memories were a possibility, would I want to do it? Who or what would I want to erase? Is it even a wise idea in the first place? Who would I be and how would I be different if I did? I'll bet it would cause more problems than the ones I would think I was getting rid of (or hoping to avoid).

Wouldn't it be frustrating to not remember what made you who you are? It's hard enough to understand why we think, feel, and act the way we do. Imagine how much harder it would be to figure yourself out if you were missing some discarded pieces that would have given you insight into what molded you into who you are now!

It all boils down to pain. That's the only reason someone would want to forget something is because of heartache. Yet, forgetting or erasing something doesn't mean that it never happened. History can never be blotted out or rewritten. It happened. Period. And what is the purpose of history; any kind of history? It's to learn from it. More often than not, the hardest (but most valuable) lessons were the ones that came with a lot of pain. Was it unpleasant? Sure. Will it be worth it? Always. Even as I write that, I feel that I am lecturing myself. These past couple of years have been the most painful ones of my life and every day that I wake up, I have to remember that it's all real and that no amount of sleep can erase it. The reality of things plays out in my dreams at night sometimes. The sad part is, one can't just dismiss it as "just a dream" when it's just as real when you wake up. It's terrible when you feel that you can't escape a nightmare. Though, even if I could be like Joel or Clementine, it wouldn't change anything. My life would still be how it is, even if I couldn't remember how I got to this point. The only difference would be not remembering WHY I felt the way I felt; and it still wouldn't change anything in my personal history. The other downside would be the inability to learn from my experiences; both triumphs and failures. It would likely impair my ability to make better choices in the future and lead me to repeating my mistakes, creating fresh pain and regrets, and wishing I could erase all of that too.

The two verses that jumped out in my mind as I soaked in everything from the movie were these:

Jesus told them another parable: The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.  The owner’s servants came to him and said, "Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?" "An enemy did this," he replied. The servants asked him, "Do you want us to go and pull them up?" "No," he answered, "because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn." - Matthew 13:24-30

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

In our lives, there are going to be lots of weeds. It's unavoidable; whether the weeds appear on their own, or they have extra "help" from an enemy. However, there is good seed as well. If we focus on the weeds, we are going to uproot the wheat. There's a silver lining to every cloud, right? A bad apple doesn't have to spoil the whole bunch. You don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water. Is this one old saying too many? Ever stop to think why there are old sayings (and why they continue on)? It's because someone somewhere learned a good lesson; and that lesson is being passed on. If we are wise, we'll learn from our mistakes; as well as the mistakes of others. THAT'S how we'll avoid the pain that we'll later wish we could forget!

NEVER FORGET that everything works out for good. That's His promise. There is a purpose that we have all been called to. The weeds and the wheat will both be there throughout our journey. Gleam what grain you can and don't let the weeds get you down. Don't dwell on them; toss them out when the time comes and feast on the harvest of good things! Grace and peace to all of you!!

The Depth Behind "Rolling in the Deep"

"Rolling in the Deep" is probably Adele's most popular and well-known song; as well as popular and well-known in general. Most can probably sing and recite the lyrics easily. Whether it's because people connect with it (or simply because they've heard it so much) there are many reasons why it's as beloved as it is. Though, like many songs, many probably sing it without really considering the depth or the weight of the words. 

Adele's music and lyrics have always resonated strongly with me. I ponder the meaning behind each song and relate to each one in some way. The songs she writes are the result of the experiences she has had (most of them involving tragedy in a relationship). It's no mystery as to why I can personalize her songs in a way that fits my own unique circumstances. "Rolling in the Deep" is one that I have heard and sung countless times. Though, I have some fresh insight and understanding into the words. 

Like everyone else, I have seen my share of loss in relationships; whether we're talking friendships or romantic connections. Each loss has varied in degree. Some were no big deal while others were absolutely unbearable (and haunt me even still). Without going into detail, I'll just say that something triggered "Rolling in the Deep" in my mind. I really started thinking about each word and how it did (or didn't) apply to current and past situations. It has been so long since I have bothered to blog anything, but this seemed like some powerful insights that needed to be shared. Someone out there besides me needs to read this: 

"There's a fire starting in my heart; reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark...." This describes the moment where you know there's a fire inside that is reaching it's hottest point to where it's undeniable. It burns so hot and so bright that it brings you out of the dark (denial) you've been in. You wake up and say, "finally I can see you crystal clear." The truth is as clear as day and brings out a lot of those fiery emotions; whether good or bad. There's usually a lot of rage directed at the person who wronged you: "go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare. See how I'll leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do!" The feeling of anger (and sometimes revenge) cries out at the injustices that might have occurred. Betray me and I'll betray you. Take from me and I'll take you down with me; and if you don't think I will, you're underestimating me. 

There are usually many more emotions that follow. There are stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Those stages are clearly evident in the lyrics as she goes from getting out of denial to being angry. Then comes the bargaining and depression as she reflects on the hurt: "The scars of your love remind me of us they keep me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love they leave me breathless I can't help feeling...We could have had it all, rolling in the deep. You had my heart inside of your hand, and you played it to the beat." What once were memories become scars of what was. You can't believe it and it takes your breath away. You play the "what if" game of what was and what could have been. You could have had it all; rolling in the depths of what you shared. Your heart was in their hands and they played you. 

The grief stages continue to cycle and more anger surfaces: "Baby, I have no story to be told; but I heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn! Think of me in the depths of your despair. Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared." Often times, that hurt turns into hate and you long to make a person's "head burn" (or ears burn, as the saying goes). You talk about them to your friends and maybe even gossip and spread rumors. Sometimes, we leave our own role out of it and only focus on what "they" did wrong; and hope with all our hearts that they will hurt a lot more. We hope they're tortured by our memory as we strive not to be tortured by theirs. We shake our fists and say: "You're gonna wish you'd never met me. Tears are gonna fall; rolling in the deep." We may wish we had never met them too, but our hurt has us wishing even more that they regret what they've done because if not, they soon will as we make it miserable for them. May the tears fall as they think about all they had and could have had! 

Then, comes the sort of "acceptance" part: "Throw your soul through every open door. Count your blessings to find what you look for. Turn my sorrow into treasured gold. You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow." This, by far, is the most positive and healing element of the whole process; the anticipated result of the journey of pain. It's the point where you let go and wish them well. You hope that they put their heart into the next "open door" that they come across; counting their blessings in every good and bad experience. Eventually, they'll find what they're looking for (as will you, if you do the same). The sorrow that turns into treasured gold are those precious nuggets of wisdom that you mine from each painful experience. It's not all for nothing. If they (as well as you) can gleam something from all the mess, you realize it is not a waste if you can learn from their (and YOUR) mistakes. You have to sift through a lot of filth to find the gems. Then, you finally realize that the greatest "revenge" doesn't come from creating MORE pain. The "sweeter" revenge is forgiveness and finding peace; and finding out that they have found the same. That's how they "pay you back in kind" if they (and you) have shown remorse for the wrongs committed. The rewards are reaped indeed (Psalm 126:4-6, James 3:18). Consequences will also be reaped should you continue to ignore the gold and sow trouble (Job 4:7-9, Proverbs 22:8, Galatians 6:7-8). 

This song has been such a good lesson and illustration for me; for not only the recent incidence but for past ones as well. Yet, my big heart has always been a double-edged sword. My willingness to give the benefit of the doubt (and see the best in people despite some obvious faults and/or "deal breakers") often blinds me from accepting the reality of who people are. I am no Oprah fan, but this is probably one of the truest things I've ever heard her say: "When people show you who they really are, believe them."  Accept it and then deal with it accordingly. Yes, people can and do change, but it's THEIR choice. The only one you can change and make decisions for is "you." Make a decision to stay away from those that are divisive, toxic, and even dangerous. Sometimes it means saying good-bye when you realize that no matter what you do, they will never do what it takes to make their own right choices and they cause nothing but trouble (Titus 3:9-11). 

We all hope to find those rare and "deep" people that we can count on. Those that truly are, hold them close! Cut out the "shallow" ones from your life and learn to treasure every good and bad experience and turn it into an opportunity! May you all roll in the depths of God's love, wisdom, grace, and forgiveness! Grace and peace to all of you! 

"I Love My Mom Because..."

Mother’s Day was like most holidays have been in this past year; emotional and painful. Nothing’s the same as it used to be (which is both a blessing and a curse). Besides that, I’ve never really felt like I’ve been that great of a Mom; especially when there are those that do so much more and are those Betty Crocker Moms or something. I know no one can do it all, but I feel even more inadequate considering the fact that I’m a working/single Mom now (and that I’ve ultimately failed my kids). I know it’s not true, but I’ve always wanted the best for them and even though some will argue that leaving an abusive home IS the best thing for them (and me) it still hurts that our family couldn’t be saved.

The kids have adjusted better than I have. I’m getting there, but I know it’s still a process. It always seems like there’s a lot on my shoulders. Thank goodness for family and friends that help shoulder the load (I appreciate it immensely!). And, thank goodness for the simple little things that touch my heart and remind me that even though the kids act up and seem like they don’t need me sometimes, they do care. I love the sweet little things that they made for me; all the little cards and art projects. I think the one I’m going to share with you is going to be the one that stands out the most because it’s Casey’s own thoughts put to paper. It is a “Top 10” list of why he loves me and they had to fill in the blanks at school. Here it is (and in his own/exact words lol):

10. I love my mom because she reads me: a dinosaur story.
  9. I love my mom because she helps me: clan up my room.
  8. I love my mom when she makes me laugh by: silly story.
  7. I love my mom because she taught me how to: ride a bike.
  6. I love to hear my mom sing: chrch song.
  5. I love my mom because she finds time to: play wit me.
  4. I know my mom cares because she: know she pick me up.
  3. I know my mom is smart because she: play dino hunt.
  2. I love my mom because she works so hard at: Walmart.
  1. I love my mom because she’s the best mom ever!

                                                             Love: Casey

Finally! It’s like he’s really communicating how he feels and what means most to him! Sometimes, it’s hard to know what matters most when they don’t have the word power to really say it. Even though Mommy doesn’t really like big scary dinosaurs with sharp teeth (oh, how I miss the days of Thomas the Tank Engine and his nice happy smiling face lol) he’s saying that he likes it when I care about the things he cares about and when I show interest in it by sharing it with him. It’s been a while since we went on a dino hunt, so maybe next time I will think of the dinos as being pretty, pink, and sparkly. Then, maybe it will seem more appealing (or I could think of how fashionable it would be if one could carry a dino skin purse - how trendy!).

The things that got me most (which made me teary as well as made me laugh) is when he said I work hard at Walmart (hey, I DO lol!!). I’m glad that he recognizes my efforts and that he’s proud of me. It also thrills me that he recognizes my love for him in the form of my dependability/responsibility in picking him up and being there for him.

The other  pleasant surprise was the bike comment. I had always thought that Mitch would be the one to teach Casey how to ride a bike. I thought it was a father/son thing. So, even though I was proud to teach him, it made me a little sad at the same time (sadder still when I texted “Daddy” a picture and Casey was like: “Daddy will be happy to see me ride!” and he made no comment or showed that he even cared or was proud of our son).

Last but not least, the fact that Casey likes to hear me sing “church songs” moved me. Actually, I can’t even remember the last time I sang a “church song”. However, he’s said recently that he likes to hear me sing. Lots of times, Gianna and I sing the “Rapunzel songs” together and he will tell me how pretty I sing. I’m just glad that he apparently values songs of faith; and faith in general. No matter how he has acted up (and grown up) lately, he still has that sweet and tender heart! I want a heart like that!

I truly love my kids so much! I may not always be the best Mom in the world, but I try; and truly want to keep trying to be a better one so I can keep learning more reasons why my kids “love my mom because”.

God bless each and every one of you Moms and your children; and our hearts go out to the broken hearted Moms who struggle in some form or another (whether it be some form of child loss or childlessness). Love and grace to you all!