"I Love My Mom Because..."

Mother’s Day was like most holidays have been in this past year; emotional and painful. Nothing’s the same as it used to be (which is both a blessing and a curse). Besides that, I’ve never really felt like I’ve been that great of a Mom; especially when there are those that do so much more and are those Betty Crocker Moms or something. I know no one can do it all, but I feel even more inadequate considering the fact that I’m a working/single Mom now (and that I’ve ultimately failed my kids). I know it’s not true, but I’ve always wanted the best for them and even though some will argue that leaving an abusive home IS the best thing for them (and me) it still hurts that our family couldn’t be saved.

The kids have adjusted better than I have. I’m getting there, but I know it’s still a process. It always seems like there’s a lot on my shoulders. Thank goodness for family and friends that help shoulder the load (I appreciate it immensely!). And, thank goodness for the simple little things that touch my heart and remind me that even though the kids act up and seem like they don’t need me sometimes, they do care. I love the sweet little things that they made for me; all the little cards and art projects. I think the one I’m going to share with you is going to be the one that stands out the most because it’s Casey’s own thoughts put to paper. It is a “Top 10” list of why he loves me and they had to fill in the blanks at school. Here it is (and in his own/exact words lol):

10. I love my mom because she reads me: a dinosaur story.
  9. I love my mom because she helps me: clan up my room.
  8. I love my mom when she makes me laugh by: silly story.
  7. I love my mom because she taught me how to: ride a bike.
  6. I love to hear my mom sing: chrch song.
  5. I love my mom because she finds time to: play wit me.
  4. I know my mom cares because she: know she pick me up.
  3. I know my mom is smart because she: play dino hunt.
  2. I love my mom because she works so hard at: Walmart.
  1. I love my mom because she’s the best mom ever!

                                                             Love: Casey

Finally! It’s like he’s really communicating how he feels and what means most to him! Sometimes, it’s hard to know what matters most when they don’t have the word power to really say it. Even though Mommy doesn’t really like big scary dinosaurs with sharp teeth (oh, how I miss the days of Thomas the Tank Engine and his nice happy smiling face lol) he’s saying that he likes it when I care about the things he cares about and when I show interest in it by sharing it with him. It’s been a while since we went on a dino hunt, so maybe next time I will think of the dinos as being pretty, pink, and sparkly. Then, maybe it will seem more appealing (or I could think of how fashionable it would be if one could carry a dino skin purse - how trendy!).

The things that got me most (which made me teary as well as made me laugh) is when he said I work hard at Walmart (hey, I DO lol!!). I’m glad that he recognizes my efforts and that he’s proud of me. It also thrills me that he recognizes my love for him in the form of my dependability/responsibility in picking him up and being there for him.

The other  pleasant surprise was the bike comment. I had always thought that Mitch would be the one to teach Casey how to ride a bike. I thought it was a father/son thing. So, even though I was proud to teach him, it made me a little sad at the same time (sadder still when I texted “Daddy” a picture and Casey was like: “Daddy will be happy to see me ride!” and he made no comment or showed that he even cared or was proud of our son).

Last but not least, the fact that Casey likes to hear me sing “church songs” moved me. Actually, I can’t even remember the last time I sang a “church song”. However, he’s said recently that he likes to hear me sing. Lots of times, Gianna and I sing the “Rapunzel songs” together and he will tell me how pretty I sing. I’m just glad that he apparently values songs of faith; and faith in general. No matter how he has acted up (and grown up) lately, he still has that sweet and tender heart! I want a heart like that!

I truly love my kids so much! I may not always be the best Mom in the world, but I try; and truly want to keep trying to be a better one so I can keep learning more reasons why my kids “love my mom because”.

God bless each and every one of you Moms and your children; and our hearts go out to the broken hearted Moms who struggle in some form or another (whether it be some form of child loss or childlessness). Love and grace to you all!

Three Little Goals; One Big Start!

We all have what is called a "rock bottom." Even when we hit it, sometimes it still takes a while for it to become real and for us to do anything about it. That's how I have felt this past year; like I have hit my all-time low and just couldn't/wouldn't do anything to truly get up off the ground (and plunged myself into deeper sub-levels instead). Though, there were times where I thought things were getting better, only to get worse again. Though, as I explained in my last blog, a large part of that is my own fault. Bad choices and the flesh leading the spirit instead of the other way around. I made a mess on top of a mess and compounded my issues.

I've heard Dr. Phil say that sometimes something starts for one reason and then continues for another. Things happen that may or may not be in your control, but the way you choose to react is ALWAYS within your control! There is a lot about my divorce that I couldn't control, but how I coped with it could have been a LOT better! I won't detail my pain and mistakes right now, but what I will say is that I have finally had enough! Stuff happens, but the snowball effect doesn't have to! I don't have to allow things that ARE within my control to get OUT of control! I need to choose to make positive choices and remember that serenity prayer about learning to change what you can, accept what you can't, and have the wisdom to know which is which.

The things that I "know" need to transition to the things that I "do". Those that love me most (and even my own self) has told me to take time for me, heal, and wise up. I have struggled to find the meaning in that because the "how" of healing hasn't come easily. Maybe it should have (God being the obvious answer) but I chose indifference because I felt that with or without God, it really didn't matter anymore. I felt that my life is, and always has been, a mess regardless if God was my focus or not. So, what does it matter? In my heart, I knew/know it DOES make a difference and I need to truly remember the fact that I was much better off WITH God than without.

It's time to "forgive" God; as well as forgive myself. It's time to value and respect myself again and make peace with myself more than anything else. I need to stop punishing myself with my self-destructive behavior. Therefore, I am going to list a few steps that I am going to take right now to start bettering myself. The "all or nothing" Melissa wants to fix absolutely everything and go all out changing absolutely every single thing I can think of, but I realize it's overwhelming and unrealistic. That kind of pressure is what causes me to be harsh on myself again (and predestines me to burnout and failure). So, I won't attempt to fix everything all at once and I will be patient with myself in whatever steps I take (and accomplish) as I keep taking more. One day at a time, Melissa! Well, better yet, one moment at a time!

There are three things that I am going to do this week....

1. I am going to start reading Brian "Head" Welch's devotional book, "Stronger", once again. I had started it, but never finished it. At the very least, it will start feeding the faith that has dwindled away to next to nothing. And maybe, I will re-read C.S. Lewis' short and helpful little book "A Grief Observed" again. POWERFUL little read that details his own grieving process and rebuilding faith after loss.

2. I am going to be self-aware and mindful. I will do my best to challenge my thoughts and behaviors as they arise and reject the negative ones. Another Dr. Phil saying is that we don't break habits, we replace them with new ones. I have to choose and practice new habits and behaviors if I want to replace the old ones. I will be patient and remind myself that I have a lot to work on and while I can't fix it all at once, I am making progress. Any time I choose to affirm myself, and choose truth over lies, that is a success! I will apply the scriptures (that are still rooted in my being) whenever they come to mind in the situations I run across (like the one about not letting unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. Confession: I have really developed a foul mouth that needs cleaned up!).

3. The kids and I will go to church on Sunday! I haven't been to church in months for various reasons (one being that I no longer feel that I have a church home). There is a church that I have always wanted to visit and that keeps coming to my mind every time I think about going back. I will finally go and check it out and see if maybe it would be a good fit/fresh start for us. If not, I will continue looking for a good fellowship of believers to get plugged in with.

I have so many other "changes" running through my head right now! I just want to keep going and going with "I'm going to start doing this...I'm going to stop doing that". That's what my "all or nothing" personality does! This is going to be hard to not start going absolutely crazy with trying to change so many things all at the same time. I have to remind myself to take it simple and slow...and I might actually change even more than I think without having to think TOO much! These three things are doable, and I will accomplish them this week!

I will remind myself of these goals the way Aslan told Jill in Narnia ("The Silver Chair")to keep reminding herself of the steps and signs she needed to remember to accomplish her mission. "Nothing else matters," he said. True that! This is priority number one and nothing else matters! I must remember my "mission" and concentrate on these goals! If I forget them, I will get distracted and off track just like she did in the story. I have to stay on track! I'll go over my goals out loud before I go to sleep; and even make myself identify and point out the things I did "right" that day.

THANK YOU to everyone who has been (and continues to be) in prayer for me! You love me more than I have loved myself! I appreciate it! I am getting there!! God bless you!

Getting Through the "Crazy Times"

I knew this week was going to be a turning point. It’s like all these months have been leading up to this; the moment when things truly become real and everything starts truly changing/beginning again.

It’s been eight months now since my life has been completely turned upside down. I’ve had to adjust to so many things (and am still adjusting). I don’t know how to articulate it all into something anyone can understand, because I don’t even know how to describe it to myself and have it make sense. So, I think I will skip sorting through the details and just basically say that this week truly feels like my new beginning. I thought my new start was when I moved out, but I guess there are lots of things that have to die/end before things really begin again.

Monday was the “legal” death of my marriage; though it died long ago. Though, now, it finally comes with lots of long awaited provisions in order to help get my kids and I ready to truly be on our own. All this time, we’ve been living with my parents (and thank God for them!). Though, soon, I’m sure we’ll be able to transition to being in a place of our own.

Perhaps that’s the reason I haven’t fully “settled in” in all these months. Myself, and my parents, have been after me to organize/clean up my room. I have straightened up here and there, but it’s never been fully “complete”. So, today, I decided that that’s what I was going to do since I have the time and am off this whole week from work (someone forgot to schedule me, and rather than bring it to their attention, I took this as a sign that I needed the break - and I’m glad!). Amazingly, I discovered a deeper reason why I haven’t straightened things up. It’s more than mere lack of time, effort, and procrastination. It’s because when I look around and see everything getting in its place, I feel settled in. That brings up the feelings of “nothing is going to be the same again” which forces you to face the shock and denial that you’re living in. In my heart, I think I felt “why should I really put things away. It won’t be there long. I’m not staying here. This is just temporary. Don’t get comfortable. Don’t make this home.” The old part of me knew it was because it felt like this wasn’t really happening and that this was just temporary until my life resumed. The other part KNEW that this was just a transition and that I would soon start a new life in a new place at some point. So, it’s a very torn feeling to be living in a sort of purgatory between the life you left and the life you’re going to.

So, I’ve been crying quite a bit today as I’m facing the fact that soon, everything is going to change AGAIN. I’m truly going to be living as a single mom and learning for the first time what it’s like to live on my own without parents or a husband. The idea of it feels strange and lonely. I have no idea how to embrace that.

This whole past year has felt like a slow and painful death. However, I think I’m finally starting to feel like the worst is over and things are really turning a corner - hopefully. Spring is almost here, and that means new life. This is my new life coming into season. Grieving is still painful, but not as frequent as it was (mainly due to keeping myself busy and distracted - yeah, I know…I have to deal with it SOMETIME!). I still have a VERY long way to go, but I think I’m starting to wake up.

The final thing that sparked in me today was when I decided to put my iPod on shuffle. “Crazy Times” by Jars of Clay popped up. The words hit me like a fresh load of bricks:

You're cold that way
And that's why you say
The things that you say
You can't attract
The things that you lack
You're trying in vain

It seems it's always the crazy times
You find you'll wake up and realize
It takes more than your saline eyes
To make things right

You spiral down
You've broken your crown
You don't feel like a queen
You've seen the proof
But you're still crying wolf
You'll never believe

You try to climb a broken ladder
Grip the missing rungs
And fall down, down, down
Seems sometime ago you said
This wouldn't last
And now you sit here crying

Beside your bed
You feel left for dead
You kneel in the dark...

It takes more than your saline eyes
To make things right


This song took me back to my senior year of high school where I was in a severe state of depression and the music of Jars of Clay spoke to me in ways that helped so much. I see the parallel between then and now and how this song makes more sense to me than it ever did. A large part of me has gone cold, and it’s why I have been the way I am and acted the way I have for a while. I’m not myself, and I can’t expect to “attract the things I lack” and make myself better. I am not going to bring about positive/good things in my current state and with my admitted angry/prideful attitude that has caused me to be running in the opposite direction of where I should. In these “crazy times”, you eventually wake up and realize that you can’t save yourself. Your tears and whining aren’t going to make things right if you don’t have the attitude to do a 180 and just continue to complain about the pain and not do anything to yank yourself out of it. So many times, I have cried “God, please make the pain stop!” and have been furious that it hasn’t, even though a good portion of it has been brought on by my own actions. So, today, I felt inside: “No, YOU make it stop!” I CAN MAKE IT STOP! It’s within my power via my free-will. I can make different choices; the choices I need to in order to MAKE IT STOP! God can’t “stop” pain that I’m choosing! The only pain that He can stop is the pain that I surrender to be healed.

I’m knocked down and falling; not feeling “like a queen” or the child of God I was. Despite the prayers and advice and evidence all around that God is there for me (and always has been) I’ve “cried wolf” as if He hasn’t been. So, I climb my own incomplete and broken ladder, and keep falling. I‘ve kept thinking that eventually, I would give it up and quit being stupid…and that whatever “phase” I’m in won’t last long. I’ll snap out of it and rebound as I usually do. Yet, here I sit….crying  (as I often do). I have yet to snap out of it. Nothing has hit me hard enough; or maybe it has but it has made ME hardened and more resistant. I’ve never been in a phase this severe or for this long. I know all that it takes is a decision to flip the switch, but I haven’t cared to do so. Why? I’m not sure. I WANT to care, but I don’t. So, that’s about the only prayer I pray right now: “I really don’t care, but I want to/should. Please, make me care again.” I think I’m almost done running and resisting - almost. I’m getting there. Patient and forgiving is He - if only I could be with myself!

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me and my crazy messed up life/state of mind. God bless you all, and thank you to all my REAL friends who have helped me through all of this and continue to be there for me! I appreciate those of you who haven’t abandoned, betrayed, or made things worse for me! I love you!!

Living the Dream

“Are you living the dream?” This was the somewhat perplexing question that a co-worker (Bob) asked me one day. It’s been a while, but I believe my first reaction to this question (which he asks frequently) was, “are you?” He said yes. This was surprising to me because who would ever guess that his job as a Walmart cashier would be anyone’s dream come true?! I laughed because even though working in the jewelry department at Walmart is nice, it’s not truly what I would define as “living the dream”. I do love the fact that I work in a department where I’m surrounded by things that glitter and sparkle (what girl wouldn’t?!) but it’s not the dream I thought I would be living. Oh, it’s a “dream” alright, but not my ideal (and more often than not, it’s more like a nightmare). However, just to clarify, I mean my life in general and not namely or specifically my new job. I have had so many life-altering changes thrust at me all at once. It’s been overwhelming to say the least!! Even as predictable as my certain future started becoming, it was still beyond any measure of preparation. Foreseeable and pending as something may be, it’s still hard to prepare for those mysterious certainties; even when they are foreshadowed. Warning bells serve their purpose; but there truly is no “ready.” It’s hard to weather a hurricane; even if you have withstood severe storms. Forces of nature are a lot heavier than every-day downpours!

Divorce and single-parenthood is my new reality; one that still hasn’t fully sunken in yet. My world is a pile of shattered dreams right now. Everything I ever wanted (and had) has been stripped away and replaced with something totally foreign. I had thought that I was living in a dream come true, but time began revealing that there would be no happy ending. Well, at least not for THAT dream! As an old classmate of mine pointed out, the dream isn’t dead; it just changed (thanks, Chris!). Things are different. There can be a new dream (and a better dream!). The one good thing about rebuilding is that you can restore and improve upon that which was shattered and make it grander than before!

Therefore, my goal is to have the kind of attitude Bob has. He views his job as a blessing and in doing so, he truly does “live the dream.” He mentioned the fact that there are lots out there that would love to live our dream right now. He said that there were hundreds of people filling out applications in order to live the dream of having a job. It reminds me to be thankful (especially because I’m full-time - which is not something you find at Walmart very often!). That, my friends, is what you would call a silver lining to the dark clouds of life!

Metaphorically speaking, things aren’t always ideal. Life is a series of dreams. No one has good dreams all the time. Some of them are strange, unpleasant, and even terrifying. All are different types having different effects. Some we remember, and others we dismiss and/or forget as quickly as they came. The one thing that is certain is that no “dream” lasts forever. They cycle and change (and so do we). As pitifully low as my faith has been, I know that it always rebounds. Therefore, I say with a budding resurge of confidence that Romans 8:28 remains true because God keeps His promises. So, I look forward to the fact that everything will work out for good because He has a plan and purpose for me and will use every element (both good and bad) of my life to develop my character and rebuild and restore me as He did Joseph, Job, and so many others. My faith in that promise will grow as my trust in that truth deepens and solidifies more securely in my heart. It may be difficult and horrible for a while (as several of my fellow sufferers have told me) but it will get better….someday. None of us know when (and sometimes we have to wait longer than we would like) but we all have hope.

As I think about all I have to hope for, I am reminded of a few stellar moments from the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun” (which my dear friend, Adam, recommended that I watch) in which the character vents her “what ifs”. She wonders if there will ever be someone to cook for in her kitchen, live in the bedrooms, or if there will ever be a wedding in her beautiful yard. A guy tells her there was a train track that was built nearby before a train was even able to run on it. Yet, it was a statement of faith that someday, there would be (and there was). And, in the end, their were people she cooked for, a friend and her baby to live in her home, and a wedding she had in her yard for a couple who were like family to her. Her wishes all came true; even if not in the way she originally thought. She was also blessed with a new love of her life. A friend had told her it would happen when she wasn’t looking; kind of like how she, herself, would wake up covered in ladybugs after exhausting herself for hours looking for them when she was younger.

That movie spoke of faith, patience, and being content where you’re at while you believe for better days to come; even if, like the character, I can hardly see beyond the pain of my divorce. I really related with how she said that the surprising fact is, divorce doesn’t kill you. One thinks that it would (and it should) because it’s so sudden and painful like that of a head on collision or a shot to the heart. However, you don’t die; you survive. It almost seems like torture, but you learn to live again. That is all I can hope for. And, like Scarlett O’Hara, I won’t let anything lick me! I will survive and overcome!

My aim now is to just keep “living the dream” each day; and be grateful for where I am at as I wait for better dreams to come true. There is lots to be thankful for; including the fact that I got to spend my favorite holiday with my family today (and drama-free this year!). This truly has been a blessed day! I have been blissfully happy as I relished each and every moment (and morsel lol) today with my loving family! I am truly thankful and blessed to have my kids, my family, and all my true blue friends and co-workers that have helped me go on living! Praise God for all of you!!

Grace and peace to all of you as you live your dreams!! God bless you all and God bless this awesome country of ours that we are fortunate enough to live in!

Faith Isn't Cheesy!

Sometimes, I just get that nudge inside that something has to be blogged. It’s a sense of urgency that has the feel of, “this is going to change someone’s life…I must share it NOW!” Though, usually, that someone is me. Whether anything I ever post helps anyone else or not, I’m always assured that God’s Word never returns empty (Isaiah 55:11). So, at the very least, it always does this poor soul some good! 

Oh, how I’ve missed this! I have a “welcome home” kind of feeling right now! It’s been months since I have blogged (my friend, Shane, pointed out that I am so far behind!). It‘s not intentional, but my life has changed so much in the past three months and I haven’t had the time to do many of the things I used to do. So, just a quick synopsis, for those who don’t know, before I get to the subject of what inspired this entry:

On July 8th, the day after my birthday, my children and I were forced to move out. We moved in with my Dad and step-mom and have been trying to adjust to our new life ever since. The kids seem happy and content, but Mommy is having a harder time. It’s difficult to adapt to so many things all at once and figure out how to cope and heal after spending over ten years of my life with the one I thought was going to love me forever. I had always thought (and been told) that I am a strong person, but I have never felt more weak and broken than I do right now. Though, what little faith I have left tells me that I will be eventually be ok; and the prayers and support of many keep me hanging on and give me hope (even if I’m only hanging on by a thread). So, please know that I am thankful for all of you who are helping me hold my head up! You all know who you are, but just to name a few, a BIG thanks to my Dad and Lauri (for whom I do not have enough words to thank or express my gratitude! THANK YOU for your support in every way and for being our refuge and safe place!), my Mom, Nat, and Ryan (whose love and support from afar is a comfort to me no matter how great the miles), and my Grandma Sauers who continues to amaze me with all she is able to give of herself (you are so brave to tackle the task of caring for Gianna when needed lol). To every single one of the rest of my loving family, I cherish and appreciate you as well! Thank you!! Also, my AMAZING friends (particularly - but certainly not limited to - Adam, Jama, Shane, Amy, April, Mama Saun, Facebook friends, co-workers, and Casey’s teachers). I would not survive this without you (and thank you for being true friends)! I am eternally grateful for your love, prayers, wisdom, support, and even the laughter you bring to my life when I need it the most!! I love you! OXOXO Oh, and to my haters, I am thankful for you too! I forgive you and you make me stronger, and I bless you!

And now, to talk about what stirred me to blog in the first place. It’s not too far off from what I have already been talking about, but the starting point is a little different (and maybe unusual). This blog is actually the result of an episode of “Glee” that I just watched on Hulu. Anyone that knows me knows that it’s one of my favorite shows (even if there is some content here and there that I don’t truly agree with). Apparently, “Glee” is pushing the envelope even further this season. This episode, “Grilled Cheesus”, nearly makes me want to say “I will never watch it again.” Almost. That’s because while there are often many mistruths, the show often redeems itself (though not usually all the way) by the end of the episode (Click on the link if you want to see what I mean. Please note that episodes expire after a while, so this link will not always work). 

The title of the episode deal’s with Finn’s issue of a grilled cheese sandwich that appears to have the face of Jesus in it. It’s reminiscent of the stories we often hear about people finding Jesus or the Virgin Mary’s face in unusual places (and how people end up praying/worshiping the object rather than God himself. Satan is clever with these deceptions isn‘t he?). Finn tends to go to that extreme. He ends up praying to it and thinks that all his prayers are being answered when things start going his way (the team wins their game, he gets to fool around with his girlfriend, and he gets to be the quarterback again). Yet, he feels particularly bad when that third prayer happens as a result of the other quarterback getting injured which prompts him to share his grilled cheese nonsense with the school guidance counselor. She does set him straight by pointing out that winning the game came as a result of teamwork and a better coach. Also, what she appropriately classified as “inappropriate touching” was a result of Rachel’s own free-will (which, as of course she didn’t mention, wouldn’t be a prayer God would answer to Finn’s liking anyways considering it’s not something in line with His Word). Thirdly, the quarterback injury was a result of an opposing team member being over-age, on steroids, and practically crushing him to death. Finn expresses his disappointment by saying he felt rather ordinary again and like he didn’t have the direct line to God like he thought he did. Of course, those of us that know better would have told Finn that one DOES have a direct line to God, and that’s through Jesus Christ (and not a grilled cheese) who makes intercession for us (Isaiah 53:12, Romans 8:26-27). So, Finn doesn’t have to feel ordinary if he belonged to Christ and became an heir with Him (Romans 8:17). That should make you feel pretty special!

The entire episode just screamed “ride the fence” because it didn’t decide on anything. Just the basic, “whatever works for you is fine.” Sue Sylvester and Kurt both expressed their unbelief and disgust at the idea of God. Sue’s issue was the fact that she prayed hard for God to heal her sister, when she was younger, when she realized that the beautiful woman she valued her sister to be was ridiculed by everyone else (her sister in the show has Down Syndrome). However, her sister corrected her as they talked over a game of checkers and assured her that God doesn’t make mistakes and asked Sue if she would like her to pray for her and a teary-eyed Sue said “yes” (though they showed no prayers being made right then). 

Kurt’s issues dealt with his father who suffered a heart attack and was currently comatose in the hospital. He was pushing his friends (and their faith) away as they offered their help. One of his reasons was that he stated his anger at God for making him gay and then directing His followers to hate him. He also expressed that he didn’t feel that churches were welcoming of gay people (though he did attend church with Mercedes later on). Here we find a lot of twisted ideas (on both sides, mind you). First of all, God does not create or permit sin and Christ died to atone for it. We are born with a sin nature as a result of this fallen world (and we all have a free will) and the sin vices that we have vary from person to person. One person’s struggle is completely different from another’s. Take me, for example. One of the things that I struggle with is my weight and tendencies to overindulge. While I am accepted by God (and pretty much everyone else) just as I am, it isn’t permissible for me to be a glutton or to misuse/abuse the body that He gave me. Whether or not family genetics determines how easy/hard it is to maintain a healthy body is no excuse. I am still responsible for how I care for and rehabilitate myself to correct the problem. It would be a mistake for me to say, “I’m fat and that’s just the way I am and there’s nothing I can do about it and everyone should just accept it.” That would be incorrect thinking. There IS something I can do about it and I SHOULD (and am!). No matter what sin a person struggles with, there IS hope and we should actively work on obtaining our freedom through Christ from our various bondages. Deliverance is always possible (and available)!

That brings me to the other point of Kurt’s comments. He is wrong in stating that God directs His followers to hate gay people. We are told to love one another (John 13:35). Jesus does not condemn anyone who is in Him. He was infamous for dining with “sinners” prostitutes, tax collectors, and those whom society despised. However, He didn’t endorse their behavior, and those that encountered Christ had a change of heart/life. He approached people with love and gentleness, not condemnation. Remember the woman at the well (John 4:1-30)? How about the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11)? Didn’t he tell us not to throw stones (verse 7)? Though, notice that after he told the woman that he did not condemn her, he instructed her in that last verse to leave her life of sin. We who are in Him should not continue in sin (1 John 3:6-9, 1 John 5:17-19). And we certainly aren’t condemned if we are walking after the Spirit and not the flesh (Romans 8:1-2). 

However, Kurt is sadly right about one thing. There are many that hate and don’t welcome gay people. There are those that condemn, hate, slander, and ostracize. The body of Christ needn’t do this and that’s where some Christians twist “God hates sin” into “God hates people” and that is NOT true! No matter what the issue, we should have open arms to welcome and help people just as Christ does for us. It’s like an article I once read where a former homosexual was criticizing the church for not being there for Ray Boltz (and others) when they “came out” (I couldn't find the article I read before, but I did find a good one here). If they had, they might have gotten the help and support they needed but instead, they felt unsafe about talking about their struggles because of the way some (like the Westboro Baptist Church) treat people. We have support groups for sex/drug/alcohol addicts, anger and overeating addictions, and everything else under the sun, but in this area we are failing profusely and mishandling it badly! This bothers me greatly because I have close friends that are gay as well as those that have overcome it, so I have great compassion on this issue. Everyone is God’s creation; precious in His sight. They are a treasure to Him and they are a treasure to me as well, and I know how I would feel if someone starting listing my sins and condemning me to Hell for them instead of embracing me with love and being there for me to help me overcome my struggles. I would rather have someone say, “Let’s go for a walk, burn some calories, and go get a salad when we’re done!” rather than, “You’re fat and you’re doomed! Sucks to be you! Looks like you’re going to Hell, you glutton!” One statement says, “I love you and am walking through this with you…how can we help each other?” and the other says, “You’re on your own loser!” Which approach do you think is more effective, loving, and accepting? You can love and accept a person without endorsing sin. Jesus modeled that all the time. We should do the same!

Even though the show doesn’t always get things right, it does give you food for thought (if you know how to sort through the mess and know the truth from lies). It also illustrates the struggle we all have with faith from time to time. That’s what sparked inside of me so much when I watched it, because I can relate to it so much right now. Sometimes, I feel like Sue and Kurt and feel that maybe God really isn’t there and that if He was, He’s not a good God because of all I’m going through. But then, I remember that God isn’t the one who wrongs me, it’s the free-will of others that wrongs me. God is always perfect and good and can do no evil. People do things that are wrong, but God is there to make it right; though “when” He makes things right isn’t always on MY timetable. However, He promises that He WILL make things right (Hebrews 10:30). He who is judge is the one that will deal with everything accordingly and it’s not my right (or my job) to take on His role and pick up those stones. I am hoping for the self-control and grace I need to leave stones on the ground, because just like anyone else, I do fail and pick them up sometimes. If I do, I should give them to Jesus and He will put it in His rock pile to deal with. 

The biggest point that “Glee” made is that everyone needs something to believe in; especially in the hard times because what hope do you have if you don’t? Sue thought that that “fantasy” was useless, but that comes from a character who’s faith is only in herself. Real faith isn't fantasy or "cheesy". True faith is powerful! And, whether an atheist will admit it or not, the fact of the matter is that even they believe in SOMETHING because we are all created and geared to worship something; whether that’s God or self or someone else. The object/person that a person puts faith in may be different, but we all believe in "something." However, the problem with the general “something to believe in” idea is that it’s very vague and very misleading if you aren’t trusting in something (rather, someone) unfailing. Obviously, people fail us and we even fail ourselves. There is nothing completely unfailing, reliable, and trustworthy except for Jesus Christ. As Chad once said, “He’s the only way because He’s the only one.” Who else died for you, made you an heir with Him, and is coming back for you? Who or what else promises grace rather than earning “heaven” on your own merits and legalism? Why choose Jesus? Because He chose YOU! Now THAT’S something to believe in; and we'll see just what faith can do as a result!

Grace and peace to all of you! God bless all of you for reminding me that there really is something to believe in every day because you all believe in me (rather, the one who is IN me - and I in Him). Thanks for building me up and reminding me who holds my future and that I’ll have the strength to make it through because of HIM (Philippians 4:13) and can‘t do it without Him (John 15:5)…nor could I do it without so many of you walking through this with me too! Praise God for all of you!

  

Birthday Blog and What's "Up" with Me

As some of you may or may not know, something is "up" with me. So, I will briefly share about it so people don't have to speculate or keep asking me. However, before I get to that part, I know everyone has also been curious as to how my big day (my birthday) went. :) So, I'll share the "happy stuff" first.

To sum it up, my birthday was AWESOME!! I picked up my BFF/sis, April, and we went to Fort Wayne. Before we went to The Forum for our scheduled spa day, we stopped by the mall to buy ourselves tiaras so we could wear them for our pictures later (BRILLIANT idea, sis!). :) Then, we went to The Forum and had an AWESOME time! First, a massage. Next, a facial. Then, a manicure/pedicure, followed by hairstyling. Then, as if that weren't enough, Steve offered to do our make-up. It wasn't part of our spa package, but everyone was so excited to be a part of our awesome birthday that they were just beyond generous! Steve did our make-up for FREE (though April tipped him generously)! Thank you, Steve! Thank you, Forum (and thank you to Lydia, Lisa, and everyone that worked with April and me!). You guys are AWESOME and made our birthday unforgettable!

Next, we went back to the mall. It was funny because we were all dressed up and wearing our tiaras and lots of people were staring at us lol. Pretty funny to be all dressed up and eating at Auntie Anne's before our photo session, but we were hungry after being at the spa for like six hours! LOL

So, the time came for pictures! The heat of the day took the curl out of my hair quickly, be we still looked pretty awesome! :) Despite having to wait a while, we got a free sheet of prints to make up for it (plus we had coupons for more) so we got a heck of a deal on some pictures! Awesome!

As if that weren't enough, April had made reservations at Baker Street for dinner. Oh my gosh, it was PERFECT! The place was BEAUTIFUL! Everything from the music, atmosphere, decor, food, etc. was AMAZING!! The food is worth every penny - and we got free birthday desserts! April got the cheesecake and I got creme brulee (my first time ever having it!). Oh my gosh, so good!! Delicious entrees, yummy soup and bread, and such heavenly desserts! Plus, we opened the gifts we got each other!! And, wouldn't you know it, we both got each other a musical card that played the SAME song: "Girls Just Want To Have Fun." Do we know each other or what?!! :)

As if that weren't enough, we decided to keep the evening going! After all, in just one more hour, it would officially be April's birthday. We didn't want our big day to end! So, we called up April's bro and we all hung out for a while and sang karaoke. Well, April and I did anyways (and so did our friend, Mikey, who sang happy birthday to us too lol). And, we had our tiaras on the whole night and got treated like the birthday princesses that we were! :) We had an awesome time and then finally had to go home - but not before having a ton more girl talk on the way lol. I love my sis!! OXOX

My birthday was definitely one to remember! Such a high point! Though, as we know, the highs can sometimes be followed by some lows (or in my case, a very BIG low!). Ok, so here's what's "up", people. To put it bluntly, the kids and I moved out (and moved in) with my Dad and Lauri the day after my birthday. Mitch and I are getting a divorce. Those closest to me know my situation and that this is something that I have never WANTED to do. However, I'm in the position where I HAVE to. That's ALL I will say publicly. I'm not a mean person, and I don't do character assasination (it only reflects poorly on your own). However, I can't speak for anyone else, so I don't know who has heard what and frankly, I don't care. Those that know me know my heart and my character and I trust that true friends will have the wisdom and discernment to see the truth and disregard any lies and junk that might possibly be out there. Like I said, I don't know that there is, but I'm just saying. As Dr. Phil would say, "I don't care how flat you make a pancake, it's still got two sides." So, if we are acting maturely, I would think that one wouldn't take one side of the pancake over the other and just truly look at the whole thing - if you know what I mean. I don't expect (or request) anyone to take sides. All I hope for is that anyone who has nothing better to do than examine hotcakes would at least have enough sense to know the pancake as a whole. Hard to cry out that one side is a little over-cooked when the other is burnt black. I don't know if this metaphorical jargon makes any sense, but you get the idea. I guess all I'm saying is don't judge either side too harshly (or at all) or take anything as gospel unless you know the whole truth. Unless you're prepared to serve up your own pancake on a platter for all to see, I respectfully ask for you to hold any servings of judgment, condemnation, rudeness, and self-righteous advice. Thank you! :)

On that note, I guess the only other thing I have to say is thanks!! THANK YOU to the people who have been with me now, and through the years, and have given me their love, compassion, and support! I appreciate the true friends that I have that truly understand what's going on and are supporting me 100%! It means everything to me (you have no idea!). Please, keep the prayers coming (for all involved). I'm a mixed bag of emotions; and having a really hard time managing them.

Also, for those of you that keep asking me how you can help me, my answer (in addition to my first request of prayer) is that you can help me by letting me help you! Most of you know that I'm a Team Beachbody Coach and aside from my main reason being that I want to help people get fit and healthy, I really need the income I get from it (obviously). So, if you're one of my customers, let me know how I can help you get the most out of Team Beachbody. It's mutually beneficial! I get to help you with your health and fitness and you are helping a soon-to-be single Mom provide for herself and her kids by purchasing Beachbody programs/supplements/Shakeology/etc. and/or becomming a coach yourself (all those interested in coaching, and all the benefits it offers, please let me know!!!). ALL NEW CUSTOMERS WELCOME!! I would LOVE to be your coach and have you on my team!! :) Check out my "before" and "after" photos here, and sign up!! This is more than a job/income for me. It's one of my passions and I am good at what I do and am meant to do it! It gives me purpose and it blesses me to give back to others and see people transform their health and their lives (just as I continue to do with my own!).

Ok, I guess that's it! Would have posted some pictures with this blog, but I'm not on my own computer. You'll have to check out my picture album (if you're on my friends list on Facebook). Grace and peace to all of you! God bless you all! Thanks for your love and support!

Changes for Changes

Last week, I mentioned that I had gained a few pounds back (went from 186 to 189 for whatever reason). Well, this week, I lost 3.4 pounds which puts me at 185.6! So, I'm slightly under what I was before I had that gain! 

I'm also doing a lot better with this new phase of ChaLean Extreme. Maybe this "lean" phase is starting to pay off! As I said previously, I'm definitely looking and measuring smaller (regardless of the scale). So, I've been proud of my progress! Now, it looks like the scale is playing catch-up. :) I'm hoping that next week's weigh-in will show me a few pounds lighter and that my momentum with that will start up again. After all, I've been working hard this whole time and doing my best to stay in balance. 

One thing that I have been wondering is if I needed to back off slightly. I read that you can sometimes sabotage yourself by OVER-training. So, I didn't workout on my Friday rest day (like I often do). And, this week is going to be a busy week (birthday included!). So, I'm going to take my birthday (Wednesday) off as my rest day instead of Friday. Plus, this weekend will be filled with extra exercises because I have a lot of miscellaneous sorting/cleaning/organizing to do this weekend; so I'm sure that will take a lot out of me lol. 

If there's one thing that I should know by now, it's that the body is unpredictable. Sometimes, you think you got it figured out and that you've found some kind of "pattern" or "formula" and that it should just keep working for you. It's just not true! I'm constantly changing my nutrition and exercise to try and find a new normal. It's a pain in the butt (for sure!) but you gotta give the body changes if you want to SEE changes! Changes for changes lol. If you are intent on just staying the same, then you can't ever expect anything to be different. Why stay in a rut? Change is good! We have to adjust and adapt and learn to accept them when they come! 

Grace and peace to all of you and God bless you all!!