His Peace for Your Pieces

Yesterday was "one of those days". It was stressful and tiring; combined with the fact that it had been five months since Melissa Coy went home to heaven. The grief can't help but feel heavier on those monthly markers and I posted a short poem to help the grief escape.

To top it all off, something ironic (and maybe even prophetic) happened as I was leaving the office. I happened to notice something lying on the ground. When I knelt down for a closer look, I realized it was part of one of my favorite necklaces. Feeling about as shattered as those beads, I picked up all the pieces I could find; wondering when and how it had fallen off of my neck without me noticing it. I should have known better than to attempt to wear it. I had had some other instances of it coming off due to a worn out clasp. Now, the cheap two dollar vacation souvenir (the one my Aunt Linda had once fixed for me the first time it got broken), had broken again. An auxiliary lady, who was talking to me outside, suggested that it could probably be remade. I told her I didn't think it was likely, but that regardless if it got remade (or made into something completely different), I would still have the memories with me that couldn't be broken. 

I couldn't help but think about how horribly fitting it was for the day. After gathering the pieces, I went to pick up my son. He also had had a day and was telling me his woes. I told him that no matter how broken and shattered we feel, God meets us in our pain. He is there to heal and renew us. It's never the same as it was before, but whatever comes of the remade or brand new thing is all for a very good purpose (Romans 8:28).  

I think 2025 has been a pretty hard year. There has been a lot of tragedies and losses; everything from the personal and local/community losses to more widely known ones like the hurricanes. I've seen a lot of heartache in my feed this year. Maybe it always seems that way, as one stops to reflect back on the past year, or maybe it really has been a bit heavier. I'm sure it's not just me.

I guess I'm just still trying to "abide" and stay anchored in His love. I've needed that word; because who wants to abide (remain, stay) in the hard stuff? Enduring and weathering out the storm can only be accomplished through Christ (John 15:5, Philippians 4:13). I am SO GLAD that I have Jesus! His faithfulness and comfort is EVERYTHING! Every time I get into 1985 mode, I go to Him instead of that time machine. I tell Him what hurts, surrendering the emotions and brokenness, and I receive His presence and peace in the midst of the pain. Thanking, worshiping, and remembering who He is has been a vital key to emptying the grief from my heart (Philippians 4:6-7).

I don't know what brokenness you've been through this year. I don't know what has shattered you and left you picking up the pieces. But, I think the broken necklace illustrates some important things. First, we have to realize something is broken. Many times, we ignore warning signs (like I did with the faulty clasp). We not only fail in the preventative part, but sometimes we are in denial when things finally do breakdown. We are unaware and we don't see it; or sometimes we do see it and don't do anything about it. Secondly, once we do face it, we don't know how to deal with it. Do we pick up the pieces, discard it, and move on? Do we hold onto it; refusing to let go? Or, do we do a bit of both? It doesn't have to be "all or nothing." The one thing that is certain is that it happened and history cannot be changed. There is no "undo" button.

God has a bigger plan in mind for those broken pieces. He can and will redeem anything (and already did through Christ on the cross)! It won't look like what it did before, but it can look like something that honors and preserves the beautiful part of what was lost while still creating something new. Again, think about how the New Covenant didn't destroy the Old Covenant, but fulfilled it (Matthew 5:17). My necklace was destroyed, but its memories and purpose was not. If it hadn't broken again, I wouldn't be writing this blog right now. In that regard, I'm almost glad that it broke. I can also see possibilities for how it "might" be remade or repurposed (if I ever get around to it). Though, if all that ever comes of it is being another one of my unfinished ideas/projects, it's ok. I'm at peace with the journey that this cheap souvenir has been on. I've had it for probably close to 20 years...it really did have a good run and truly served a greater purpose than I ever would have thought when I got it in that little shop in Tennessee all those years ago.

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I pray that you'll trust Jesus with whatever pieces you need to put into His hands. Let go and forgive yourself of any shame or blame. Whether you could have prevented it or not doesn't matter now. What matters is the healing and restoration He wants to give you. Confess and surrender it all. Forgive yourself; and anyone else that may be involved. Invite God into your mess. He is near to you (Psalm 34:18). Ask Him to show you how He wants to heal and restore you for His glory. He'll give you His peace for your pieces! What better time for healing than Christmastime. Peace on Earth and peace in your heart! God bless you!  

Cross Walk

It is now October. This year has both simultaneously dragged on and flown by. As I've mentioned a lot already, there has been a lot of changes (both positive and negative) as well as grief; both personally and corporately. I cannot begin to list and explain them all. All I know is that my word for this year (Abide) seems laughable, ironic, and somewhat incompatible with the liminality that I've been experiencing this year. Everything seems very Twilight Zone-ish and the idea of "abiding" and remaining in such a weird in-between state makes me feel like it's harder to stay tethered to reality (because reality seems so much harder to grasp when I don't know how to make sense of or accept it). The last time I felt this disoriented and out-of-place was during the turbulence of 2010 - 2013 when I was getting divorced and having to adjust to a life and identity I didn't recognize.

Thankfully, at the heart of the word "abide", is the fact that it's not about abiding in my circumstances but abiding (remaining) in Christ; and Christ abiding in me. That is an anchor for my soul; the tether of all tethers that keeps me grounded. With a lot of intentional heart-work, I've been able to cope and adjust far better than I did fifteen years ago. Back then, I multiplied my pain by running to all the wrong things and away from Jesus. This time, I've done the opposite and can see the clear difference between how my current and former selves have chosen to endure and grow through changes, hardships, and grief. 

As I was reflecting about all this, I really sat deep in thought about how Jesus told us to deny ourselves and take up our crosses and follow Him. I know that none of us have all the answers to the "whys" of sufferings. Yet, as I absorbed Jesus' words, all the broken pieces seemed to come together like a mosaic; bringing the bigger and more beautiful picture together. 

First, there's the denial of self; the forsaking of our flesh and all of our pride and self-proclaimed wisdom. The decision to do so is an act of humility, admission, and surrender. It's a declaration of dependency on Christ. The choice to follow Jesus is twofold because He told us no one can serve two masters. Christ and the flesh go in two different directions; you can't follow them both. To follow one means to unfollow the other (Romans 8:12-14)

Next, there's the "take up your cross" part. It made me think about how individualized that is. We all have unique burdens and struggles to bear. My cross of suffering is a different one than someone else's. We all have hardships, traumas, losses, and sufferings, but the variances between us all are endlessly unique and nuanced. So, whatever that looks like for each of us, it really is "our cross to bear." We each carry our own, but we do have others believers to lean on and help us (Galatians 6:2-5). Even Jesus had an "inner circle". Peter, James, and John went "further in" with Jesus. Even as Jesus carried his literal cross, He had help from Simon of Cyrene. We don't have to (and shouldn't have to) go it alone. Pastor Roy recently had a great message about this! 

Now, here we are at that final part: "follow me." Follow Him? How? Where? At one point, He told His disciples that where He was going, they couldn't come (John 8:14-24, John 13:33-36). Do you know what's interesting about both of these scriptures? In John 8, He talks about them dying in their sins. In John 13, He urges them to love one another and that while they wouldn't be able to go where He was going now, they would later. His death and resurrection made the way possible for all of us to go where we could not come before! The sin that separated us before would separate us no longer! We will not die in our sins if our faith is in Him! And He knows those who love Him because they obey His commands; loving God and loving others. 

The big picture? Christ said the way to the Father is through Him (John 14:6). It is by grace that we are saved through faith (Ephesians 2:8). He is the Savior; not us or our works. We deny ourselves and admit that we cannot save ourselves and that His way, not ours, is the way we are going to follow (self-denial and surrender). Then, we armor up (Ephesians 6:10-18) and KEEP it on! That helmet of salvation is crucial! It's kind of like the Mandalorian; don't remove your helmet or allow it to be removed by others. Let the assurance of Christ's salvation guard your mind! "This is the way!" Now, use the rest of that armor on this journey to "where you are going". We are heaven bound, but we are not there yet. Until then, keep the breastplate of His righteousness on and your shield of faith up. Use it to deflect the fiery arrows of the enemy and strike down lies with the sword of the Spirit (Word of God). Keep the truth buckled around you and your feet always ready to walk in the Gospel of peace (and sharing it with others). Don't forget, we NEED others to share the Gospel with us as much as we do with them; we have nothing covering our backs aside from each other! 

The battle doesn't end until we take our last breath. We just have to keep fighting the good fight (1 Timothy 6:12). I know it's hard to carry that cross every day, but don't forget that it's HIS way that we are following! His yoke is easy and His burden is light; He will TEACH us (Matthew 11:28-30). We can cast our cares on Him because He cares for us (Psalm 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7). In THIS world, we WILL have trouble, but we can take heart because HE has overcome the world (John 16:33). Christ's own journey to the cross was no cakewalk either; why would ours be? From His birth to death, His life wasn't exempt from suffering. Think about all the hardship and chaos surrounding His conception, birth; and having to flee to Egypt afterwards. Think about all the persecution from the Pharisees and others which led to his arrest, torture, and execution. Even as He preached the Gospel and healed people, He didn't have a permanent place to rest His head. Our King never made His home in a palace or lived a life of creature comforts. He was born in a manager, slept wherever they were welcomed as they traveled, and was buried in a borrowed grave after suffering an excruciating and undeserved death on our behalf. 

Whatever burdens are nailed on our personal crosses that we carry have already been borne by our Savior. There's nothing He doesn't understand. He already suffered it all for us. Whatever we go through is to build our character and continue the journey of self-denial, picking up our cross, and following Him: 

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. - Romans 5:3-5

Over the years, it's become apparent to me that it's far too easy to say "why me" out of self-pity instead of "why me" out of curiosity. When wallowing gets chosen over worshiping, I'm making myself the focus instead of Him. I have learned that where I fix my gaze MATTERS more than anything! Whatever/whomever is the focal point, that's who is being followed. If I follow my own flesh, I'll go in circles and spiral out-of-control. When I fix my gaze on Him, He shows me the way out and keeps my feet on the right path. I remind myself to stay curious and pursue the "whys" in Him. Curiosity and seeking Him leads to the discovery of such wonderful treasures that can't be found in anyone or anything else! He shows me and teaches me the things I need to know. Though, sometimes there are things that seem unfair or don't seem to make sense. However, God told me a long time ago that sometimes I have to be ok with not knowing things. That's a hard one, because like most people, I like to know and have the answers. But, maybe some things are just too much for my finite brain to comprehend from an infinitely good, wise, and perfect God.

I've also come to the realization and acceptance of the fact that the war never stops. It's no wonder we are told to put our armor ON, but we're never told to take it off. It's hard, and I get weary of it. Though, do I really expect to not face hardships and suffering? Where does it say that we ever put our cross down? It may sound bleak to sort of say the suffering never ends, but it's true and not true at the same time. We're assured that no matter what thorn we have in our side, His grace is sufficient for us (2 Corinthians 12:6-9). To some degree, C3PO's lament of suffering being "our lot in life" is true. No one is exempt from it, but
we don't have to worry about it: 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7. 

This is how we deal with the suffering of the now until the time where there is no more. The old order of things have not passed away yet. Right now, we have to contend with a "time for everything". It's not ALL suffering any more than it's all pleasure either. Sometimes the cross is heavier and sometimes it feels lighter; but it's always with us and so is He (and so is the church). 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I'm still here for a reason, and so are you! Life is hard, but God is good; always. Forsake your flesh and surrender! Link arms with Jesus (and others) as you carry your cross, and follow Him all your days. You will get through this. You have crossed over from death into life (John 5:24). God bless you!

Priceless Pennies

A few days ago, the devotional on Our Daily Bread mentioned someone who always touches my heart: Jane Kristen Marczewski (aka Nightbirde). You may or may not recall this amazing, brave, faith-filled, talented woman whose golden buzzer moment on AGT is one of the most memorable ever. I'll never forget it. Everything about that audition made me weep (and it still does; even at this moment and every time I watch it). Even though she was frail, she radiated God's love, peace, joy, and hope. She declared the goodness of God and she famously told the judges, "You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy." She knew where her source of joy was. In her songs, blog, and poetry, she bore her heart in such a genuine way; and she glorified the Lord with her life. I often listen to "It's Ok" as well as her cover of "The Story I'll Tell". In it, she sings, "my God did not fail"; even while knowing that her cancer was likely going to take her life (which it did). She knew that God's wisdom is beyond our expectations and interpretations of what we think success is.

Even though I didn't know her personally, her impact on me has been deep. She inspires me and keeps me tethered to my faith when I feel like life is hard and I struggle to choose joy. I hear those songs, see her grin and her radiant glow, and know that that's what true worship looks like. She was a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) and a testament of His grace (amazingly, Jeremy Avila just talked about being a living sacrifice at our most recent Friday Worship Night). Like the apostle Paul, she knew that whether in death or life, it's all a win with Jesus: 

For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die. - Philippians 1:20 (NLT)

This year has been hard. There's been a lot of grief. Not only did we unexpectedly lose Melissa Coy to a cancer battle she didn't know she was fighting, but we also just lost Karrah Teruya to the one she's been bravely battling for years. I had literally just seen her at a Melissa's memorial. Like Nightbirde, she still had that radiance. I often told her she was a phoenix because of how she continued to rise from the ashes. Every time the medical community thought it was over for her, she kept proving them wrong. No one fought harder to live and make the most out of the time she was given than Karrah (she even got her master's degree!). She didn't take cancer lying down. She pushed back like the warrior she always was. It just makes my heart hurt all the more that these three amazing women are no longer with us; their loss leaves such a hole where they once shined so brightly. Though, I'm comforted in knowing that they are in their perfect and glorious heavenly home. Cancer didn't get the final word; the cross did!

On a more national and global scale, we've also seen the horrors of war, natural disasters, school shootings, and shocking videos this past week of people being killed in cold blood. The grief and heaviness is everywhere in my social media feeds. It hurts. 

Yesterday and today, I was having some tearful moments (regarding all of the above as well as other hurts and things I won't go into). I've let myself cry and try to let the ache out; especially knowing that today marks two months that Melissa unexpectedly went to heaven. I was feeling very drained physically, so that usually has me seeking out a big salad to nourish me. So, I went to Martin's for lunch today to visit the salad bar. Melissa and I had gone there for a lunch date in the past. I was thinking of her before I got out of my car and said, "I miss you, Missy....I miss you, Melissa." Then, out of the blue (and quite literally) a Martin's worker in the parking lot noticed me and started coming my way as if she knew me. She was drawn to me because of my blue hair and colorful attire. She showed me her purple hair wrapped up in a sequined scrunchie at the back of her hat (I have a similar one like it, actually). She was wearing colorful glasses and we just started chatting it up as if we were old friends. Her name tag said, "Missy". I asked if it was short for "Melissa" because that was my name. She said it was, and it made it all the nicer. I asked how I could pray for her and she said it was usually her that did the praying for people. "Me too," I said. I told her the blue hair thing gets me a lot of prayer opportunities. She handed me these cross pennies and told me that this was one of her things. 

I prayed and we parted ways for today. It felt like such an especially good and fitting blessing for this two month marker. Pennies for my thoughts; and the cross is right there within them. He anchors and sustains me; abiding and remaining there. My word for this year (abide) continuing to show me why there couldn't have been a more comforting and important word to hold onto for 2025. There have been a lot of heartbreaking things this year; a lot of painful changes and exits of various kinds. Through every loss, One always stays and never leaves: Jesus. That anchor for my soul, that hope, my Savior, has kept all the grief in check. With every crashing wave, I haven't drowned:  

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. - 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 (NIV)

 

He is FAITHFUL! GREAT is His faithfulness and His mercies that are NEW every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23)! Even when I struggle to greet a fresh day gifted to me, I give thanks and depend on Him to get me going.

I recently saw an ad in my feed for this ring. It really spoke to me and I decided that I really needed to buy it and wear it as a reminder (it's currently making it's way to me through the mail). Whether you know this about me or not, I don't have a problem being honest, real, and vulnerable. I know I've shared this before, but I've struggled with wanting to persevere (and sometimes, my promise to my friend Shane has been one of the last threads at the end of my rope when I've been at my most fragile points in life). Yet, I continue to endure. I'm pro-life, and that includes my own life too; no matter how hard it gets. Katherine Wolf says "if you have a pulse, you have a purpose". She, Joni Eareckson Tada, and Nick Vujicic are all shining examples of living on purpose WITH purpose. Faith should fuel every believer to keep their eyes on Jesus and keep going. It's not about us; it's about Him. Karrah lived that way. Missy lived that way. Nightbirde lived that way. I also choose to live that way until it's my turn to go home. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! If you are also struggling to process grief, I highly recommend Katherine Wolf's book "Suffer Strong". It's one that I will likely re-read (after I read the rest of her books as well). I'm also making my way through "It's Ok That You're Not Ok" by Megan Devine. "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis is also one that I have read a few times. Just know that grief isn't a "problem" that needs to be fixed, or something to be rushed through. Feel what you feel. The loss hurts much because you love much. Regardless of how personal or impersonal the connection was, that void is felt when what or whom you have lost is no longer there. You can't go back and change it, but you are not alone. Jesus never changes and never leaves. It makes me all the more grateful for this year's word.  As I continue to abide, I feel the joy and comfort in the fact that my Savior always stays and remains with me. He doesn't abandon me. I'm still here. He's still here. He knows. He cares. He holds me up. He is with me; and I'm remaining and abiding with Him too. Reach out to Him; He hears you! Stay connected with your family, your pastor, and church family/friends. Call someone. Get support/help. You will get through this! Don't give up! God bless you! 

 

There Is No 1985

"The timeline skewed into this tangent creating an alternate 1985. Alternate to you, me, and Einstein; but reality for everyone else." - Doc Brown, "Back to the Future: Part II". 

I think this quote describe grief, mistakes, and regrets best. There are so many moments where life as we know it "skews" into a tangent and creates an alternate reality. The timeline changes and what you once knew to be "1985" is no longer 1985 to you anymore. Some people experience that foreign reality with you and know that something has changed. Nothing will be the same and you wish you had a time machine so you could go back and reset the timeline. Others go on with life as if nothing has happened.  

Grief has several stages: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. It's not a straight shot either. The shock takes a while to wear off and is an undercurrent for the next three for a while. Denial, anger, and bargaining take their turns; moment to moment and day by day. Sometimes, you almost think they're gone and that acceptance is right around the corner; waiting to greet you. Then, a trigger reminds you of the "alternate 1985" that you're living in; and you toggle through the stages some more. Grief truly is a process; and its timeline is one of the most endlessly varied ones there is. 

I think the "bargaining" stage is one of the hardest and cruelest things. It's where so many questions, "what ifs", and "if onlys" lurk. It's where the "time machine" lives. You revisit the past, imagine the scenarios that would have been if something were done differently, and start thinking about how that would make 1985 alright again. However, you know you can't change anything. The time machine needs to be left alone. You can't go back; and shouldn't even if you could. Time is in God's hands; not ours. Nothing can change a road not taken, a mistake made, or a person lost. About the only thing we can do with the time machine in our mind is go back to the best moments of life and think on all the good things (Philippians 4:8).

That's what I have tried to do in the midst of my own current grieving process. I gathered up my best moments and memories and was intent on making a blog post (but ended up making a video instead). This is the time machine I allow myself to use. It makes me feel like the "real 1985" still exists. Yet, it's sort of a danger because it makes me want to hold hands with denial more than I should. Grief sucks. It's hard.

It's the moments of knowing everything is in the past and can't be changed that the anger creeps up again. All the promises of the Bible that are embedded deeply in my heart start to feel like a lie. But, that's the twist (and we know where the "twisting" comes from); it's not a lie. I have to remember that there is a time for everything under the sun. It may be hard to understand the timing, but we can trust it (because we trust Him). Whenever something is hard and I wonder "why me?"; I have to ask "why Him?" I deserve to suffer; but Christ didn't. Yet, Jesus didn't spare Himself from suffering and death. He could have rescued Himself, but He didn't (well, not ultimately; though there were plenty of times He could have been taken out and wasn't...it's all according to the Father's timeline). He didn't spare His own cousin either (and poor John was sitting on death row wondering why because He knew and declared who Jesus was to all). Eventually, each one of us dies and faces judgment (Hebrews 9:27). With the exception of Enoch and Elijah, all will experience death (even Lazarus, who was raised from the dead by Jesus, still eventually died....again lol). Maybe we've had near misses in the past, and God has spared us from those near-death scenarios, but we won't get spared in this life every time. Our time will come; and we don't know when or how.

That point about John the Baptist (and many others in the Bible who weren't spared from suffering, tragedy, and death by our all-powerful God who could have stopped it if He wanted to) was brought up at Melissa Coy's memorial service. It's an important thing to remember because Jesus told us that we would have trouble, but that He has overcome it (John 16:33). I love it when the very things that God is telling/comforting me with show up in others too. That's the kind of perfect timing we all love! I was so glad that that was part of the message. It's assuring, affirming, and makes me feel confident that I'm hearing what Holy Spirit has been saying. It reminds me that there are no coincidences; God really is speaking and His truth is showing up in the hearts of so many at the same time! It's amazing and it makes any doubts fade into the background. We can trust the wisdom and timing of God; even when it doesn't make sense. We know that He has a plan and purpose for it all (Romans 8:28). 

The bottom line is this: there is no "1985". The timeline "skews" all the time. There's no normal; no baseline. The alterations are always happening; and they've been happening since the fall of man. The only TRUE and perfect timeline was before the fall; and that is why Jesus sacrificed His life for ours. Sin altered the timeline; but He reconciled it for good! He truly turned back time through His death and resurrection! Now, we wait for the day where it will be fully finalized and there will no more time at all; only eternity. Those who are in Christ are experiencing the joy of that right now; and this grief we're going through in missing them isn't like the grief of those who have no hope. However, those who died without putting their faith in Christ are experiencing eternal horror; and we truly mourn for their fate that cannot be changed. The finality of both should make us pause and think. It's truly the "Good News" for those who are already in His presence, but catastrophic for those who are not. Once we take our last breath here on Earth, our own personal timeline skews for one final time. This recent article about Ozzy Osbourne's death sums it up well; especially this part: 

Ozzy’s death is not about Ozzy

It’s about you.

The news of his death is not a tabloid event. It is a trumpet blast to the living. The man who once stood on stage and howled at the moon is now silent. The crowd is gone. The lights are off. And he is face to face with eternity.

So ask yourself: if the curtain fell tonight, would you be ready?

Do not play games with your soul. Do not wait to become a better version of yourself. Do not pretend that God is still deciding what to do with you.

He already has.

He sent His Son.

He opened the door.

And He promised – if you will repent and believe, you will be saved.

Not improved. Not reformed. Saved.

You will still die, but death will lose its power. It will become a doorway, not a sentence. And when the trumpet sounds, and your body rises, you will see Him – Christ – and He will not be your Judge. He will be your Joy.

I don't know much about Ozzy or where his heart was at (I truly hope he got saved). But I do know that we have a very different story with another celebrity that just passed: Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster accepted Christ and was baptized. We don't have to wonder who he put his faith in. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Don't get stuck in the past. They're shadows of what has been. We live in the present, and that's the only time we truly have. The future isn't promised, so we have to make the best choices NOW while we still have "time". TODAY is the day of salvation. Once your timeline stops, that "skew" is the final decision. It will either skew up or down. Decide NOW which direction you want to go; because there are no time machines in Hell. Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve and follow the example of people like Melissa Coy who chose well. You can't alter the past, but you can still alter your future while there is still time to write it....so "make it a good one" by choosing to follow Jesus. Amen!

Welcomed Home to Heaven

This isn't the post I anticipated writing. No matter how bad things looked, I don't think any of us who were praying actually thought this would be the result. We prayed for and expected a miraculous healing. So many saw and prophesied it; and I do not believe it was wishful thinking. The faith of so many banded together to offer up powerful prayers. We all contended for it and we know that God is able (He's still good and nothing changes that). The stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance) have cycled through so many times and acceptance feels elusive. We wanted to see a testimony of miraculous healing and for it to happen on Earth as it is in heaven. 

However, God decided not to reveal His power and glory in that way. Instead, the Father decided to give Melissa Coy the ultimate reward of coming home into His arms today. For that reason, we can all rejoice and know that we don't grieve like those that have no hope. 

In times like these, I think about something that Chip Ingram said in his "The Real God" book/series (which I HIGHLY recommend). When talking about the wisdom of God, he shares this point from A.W. Tozer: 

All God's acts are done in perfect wisdom, first for His own glory, and then for the highest good of the greatest number for the longest time. And all His acts are as pure as they are wise, and as good as they are wise and pure. Not only could His acts not be better done: a better way to do them could not be imagined. An infinitely wise God must work in a manner not to be improved upon by finite creatures.

As true and comforting as that fact is, it's still hard. For me, and for all of us, it's difficult to accept that Melissa Coy's work here on Earth was considered finished and that she was called home so soon. One of the many things that I'm grateful for is the fact that she got to see her one and only child, Addison, reach adulthood and graduate this year. She was there for all those milestones in his life, but what about all the ones to come? It hurts me so much to think about all those future events that she won't be here for. I had prayed so much for a King Hezekiah moment of reversal where the Lord would heal her and give her more time. Though, like her husband Derek shared recently, nothing stopped her from being there for her family and for others while she was here. No matter what she had to sacrifice or persevere through, she did it; and did it willingly. She made every moment count and it brought her joy; even though she had to push through so much physical pain (I know all of this too well myself because we both had/have the back issues). She was strong, determined, and exuded God's love in all she did. Going through life henceforth without her presence is a horrible new reality; though the spirit of God that was with her is with us too. The work and fruit of the Spirit doesn't ever disappear; it stays and goes on. In that way, she'll always be here because all she did in His Name is still here and the Kingdom will always continue without end. 

Please, pray for Derek, Addison, and the rest of the family/friends/church family. God's wisdom is a hard thing to comprehend and see clearly in the midst of so much grief. Though, what I've come to understand after many personal losses in life, it will lead to a brighter path and we'll be transformed by that healing process into a better version of ourselves for the Kingdom if we choose to align with it. If we choose to embrace the ways that God wants to use it all for His good purposes (Romans 8:28), we will be refined by the fires instead of being destroyed by them (Isaiah 48:10, 1 Peter 1:3-9). Sometimes, the best people are taken so the ones left behind can become better ones. Unfortunately, sometimes we seem to grow more/become better versions of ourselves as a result of tragedy rather than victory. Again, God's wisdom. Melissa got a glorious welcome home to heaven where she is pain/care free. We still have to deal with ours (and the pain of missing her) but this is hers and heaven's gain. The Kingdom will continue to advance in the aftermath of all of this because God is still good and the fruit Holy Spirit produced in her life will have ripple effects forever!

I'm reminded of a few songs right now that bring comfort in this broken place. I think of a cover song by Nightbirde (an AGT golden buzzer contestant who loved Jesus and also tragically lost her battle with cancer). She declares "my God did not fail" as she sings "The Story I'll Tell". I listen to it quite often; as well as her original song "It's OK". Mandisa (whose family I still pray for regularly, because the sudden loss of her is still a big hurt as well) has a song called, "He is With You". Also, Ryan Stevenson's "Eye of the Storm" and "When We Fall Apart" (which is about how he lost his mother to cancer). All of these songs help get the ache out while simultaneously remembering the hope of Jesus and giving Him praise.

Grace and peace to you, my friends. I hope and pray that all of us will draw near to God and He will draw near to us; for He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (James 4:8, Jeremiah 29:12-14, Psalm 34:18). God doesn't waste the pain; the testimonies and spiritual growth that is bound to happen in all of us who are walking through this will yield good fruit in time. Melissa's blessed homecoming will very likely lead to the opportunity for more people to share in that eternity as God does whatever He plans to do in all our hearts and it spreads for good. Blessed testimonies, miracles, and salvations can and will begin from where her earthly journey ended. Love never fails. God IS love, and He does not fail. Amen!

The Broken Place

This past week has really been something; and I know that it hasn't just been me. I've seen a lot of hard things going on; both in the world and from friends and family. Stuff has just been difficult and heavy; though there have been some good things happening as well. My husband DID get that job that I mentioned in my last post and it's been going great! Praise God! Also, things have changed a lot in my job; which has been very bittersweet and messy with the hellos, goodbyes, and transitioning into the familiar but unfamiliar. It's all a bit stressful. It feels very awkward and weird to have the positive and negative all crash together at once  It's hard to process. The mood swings have been all over the place (perimenopause and chronic fatigue/pain doesn't help things either).

There's far too much to share and unpack, so I'll just get to the main point of this post. I wanted to share a poem that I wrote a couple days ago with the hope that it will bless others who are probably feeling the same way right now. Poetry seems to be the outlet that helps me the most. Reading it back continues to help and refresh me as well. All the ways that God gifts us to help others helps ourselves too. He gives good gifts to us (Matthew 7:11, Luke 11:13, James 1:17). 

This poem is called "The Broken Place" (and also echoes another poem called "Renewed Warrior" that I shared in a previous post). I just want you to know that being in that place is ok. It's ok not to be ok (listen to one of my go-to songs about that). Stuff hurts and we don't have to pretend it doesn't.  

Speaking of that, I think Kent Butcher did very well with talking about this stuff in his guest preaching at Vineyard a while back (MUST watch!). If we remember that God is a safe place to spill out all the good, bad, and ugly, we'll get through it all much better. Jesus suffered; and suffered FOR us. He knows. He knows it all. We can have our "Lieutenant Dan Moments" in a thunderstorm and know that God hears and cares. Jesus said that in this world, we would have trouble, but to take heart because He has overcome the world (John 16:33). Our perfect, flawless, and all-powerful Lord and Savior went through hardships when He was here in the body. He was tempted by satan and He was persecuted, plotted against, tortured, and killed by the very ones who are made in His image. How or why would we be exempt from suffering? He was not exempt. God didn't spare His own Son from hardship and suffering. Why act like all this that is happening to us is something strange? 

 

One thing we do know is that we don't suffer as the rest of the world suffers. For those in Christ, there is always hope and the assurance that it will all work out for good (Romans 8:28). The devil prowls around us like he prowled around Christ; waiting for "opportune times". He doesn't attack us any less because we are believers. He will attacks us just as much if not more. Yes, we keep our armor on and pray continually to rebuke evil and demolish strongholds (Ephesians 6:10-18, 2 Corinthians 10:4, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Yes, we have the same power in us that raised Christ from the grave (Ephesians 1:19-20). Yes, He is able (Ephesians 3:20). Yes, He heals and does the impossible (Isaiah 53:5, Matthew 19:26, Mark 10:27, Luke 18:27). However, that doesn't mean we are bulletproof. Satan will never stop coming at us. We still live in a fallen world and bad things do happen to "good" people. Though no one is truly "good"; even Christ said "why do you call me 'good'?" Remember, He who has overcome all things STILL had to suffer and go through the perils of all the evil that was done to Him...even though He could have stopped it (but then the scriptures could not have been fulfilled). If anyone didn't "deserve" the persecution, trials, and sufferings, it was Jesus. Yet, He didn't rescue Himself. He even rebuked a well-meaning Peter for saying that suffering and death shouldn't happen to Him. Jesus saw that the real enemy wasn't Peter, but satan (because we war not against flesh and blood). He addressed and rebuked the true enemy in that moment. Satan's only goal is to steal, kill, and destroy, but the Father's goal is to accomplish a greater purpose through all we walk through. It's especially true when we persevere and mature through much suffering; building our character and lacking nothing after suffering "a little while" (Romans 5:3-6, 1 Peter 5:10, James 1:2-4). "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:11.

 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Tonight's Friday Worship Night blessed me even more as Jeremy emphasized the wonderful grace that we get to walk in; the undeserved mercy and forgiveness that we do not (and could never) earn. Jesus paid it all. That's the Good News and always will be the Good News even when we get bad news (and there has been a lot of bad news lately; PLEASE pray and contend hard for the healing of my friend, Melissa Coy and the family of a former schoolmate of mine who is grieving the loss of her and her son in a tragic accident). Keep praising Him from whatever broken place you're in. He will restore you! God bless you!

Remembering Grandpa (Oh, Cripe!)

This past week has been a blur. I feel like today has been a mirror of Monday and Tuesday when the grief was fresh and unprocessed. Being with my wonderful and loving family all week made me feel insulated from it all. All the love, prayers, fellowship, and other bright spots in the darkness, helped to create a safe place that made it easier to be "strong" and soldier through. However, now that I've come back home and am resuming my daily life, I feel more aware of the fact that my heart hurts. I feel like I just woke up from a very long dream and I'm trying to remember what has happened.

At my Grandpa's funeral, I sang "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey; which had been suggested by Gianna when I was considering song choices. Even now, I feel like it was a God-thing for Him to have stirred her to mention that song because I'm still repeating the lyrics to myself. All who grieve have to take it one day at a time; telling their hearts to beat again. We close our eyes, breathe, and try to leave the sadness in the shadows and step into the light of grace; because we don't live in the closed doors of yesterdays. Life is a continuing journey where we have to move forward and allow the pain, sorrows, and scars shape us rather than break us.

This blog post is as much for my grief-processing as it is for anyone that knew my Grandpa. It is a blessing to me that my family finds comfort in the ways that God enables me to put my heart on paper. Therefore, I'll share the words I submitted for pastor Clark Stoller to read at the funeral so that it's here for people to read. I had also made a brief slideshow of some of the pictures of him that I had (and my cousin, Nikky, made the longer one that was shown at the funeral home):

Ask anyone who knew my Grandpa, and they would likely say that he was a "character". I couldn't agree more and I don't think there's a better word to capture him than that. 

Grandpa was a son, brother, husband, father, and grandfather. All of these roles he did well and with that sense of humor that he was known for. We loved his funny and silly ways. Sometimes, you could just see the orneriness in his face during a conversation because you knew he was waiting for the opportunity to interject a goofy comment or something completely random and nonsensical. It was even funnier if Grandma was around because she would often reprimand him and say, "Wayne, cut that out!" However, that usually didn't dissuade him from misbehaving; or even making a silly face at her. That usually earned him the bonus comment of, "you're so childish."

I am at a loss for words when it comes to describing him beyond the "character" that everyone knew, because I don't think many people knew the character behind the character. He didn't usually exhibit any mushy emotions very well; though he didn't mind if people made a fuss over him. He often pretended to escape your affections and would give you an "oh, cripe!"... but he enjoyed every second of it. Grandma always told me that he was her "biggest baby"; and she usually said it with fondness. He loved attention from others; even though he didn't usually reciprocate it in the same ways. Yet, he was still so easy to love because he was entertaining and good company. In that way, he gave as much as he got.  

I'm thankful to have had him in my life as long as I have. I'm blessed to have tons of memories, pictures, and videos with him in it. When you have that, a character never dies. "Boy oh boy...." that humor and personality lives on! We all love him and will miss him so much,...for "criminey sakes". 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! My heart and prayers go out to those of you that might be reading this and are dealing with grief of your own. Don't go it alone! Stay connected with family, friends, and church family that will lift you up (and I also suggest this short and powerful book that I can never recommend often enough!). God bless you all!