Priceless Pennies

A few days ago, the devotional on Our Daily Bread mentioned someone who always touches my heart: Jane Kristen Marczewski (aka Nightbirde). You may or may not recall this amazing, brave, faith-filled, talented woman whose golden buzzer moment on AGT is one of the most memorable ever. I'll never forget it. Everything about that audition made me weep (and it still does; even at this moment and every time I watch it). Even though she was frail, she radiated God's love, peace, joy, and hope. She declared the goodness of God and she famously told the judges, "You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy." She knew where her source of joy was. In her songs, blog, and poetry, she bore her heart in such a genuine way; and she glorified the Lord with her life. I often listen to "It's Ok" as well as her cover of "The Story I'll Tell". In it, she sings, "my God did not fail"; even while knowing that her cancer was likely going to take her life (which it did). She knew that God's wisdom is beyond our expectations and interpretations of what we think success is.

Even though I didn't know her personally, her impact on me has been deep. She inspires me and keeps me tethered to my faith when I feel like life is hard and I struggle to choose joy. I hear those songs, see her grin and her radiant glow, and know that that's what true worship looks like. She was a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) and a testament of His grace (amazingly, Jeremy Avila just talked about being a living sacrifice at our most recent Friday Worship Night). Like the apostle Paul, she knew that whether in death or life, it's all a win with Jesus: 

For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die. - Philippians 1:20 (NLT)

This year has been hard. There's been a lot of grief. Not only did we unexpectedly lose Melissa Coy to a cancer battle she didn't know she was fighting, but we also just lost Karrah Teruya to the one she's been bravely battling for years. I had literally just seen her at a Melissa's memorial. Like Nightbirde, she still had that radiance. I often told her she was a phoenix because of how she continued to rise from the ashes. Every time the medical community thought it was over for her, she kept proving them wrong. No one fought harder to live and make the most out of the time she was given than Karrah (she even got her master's degree!). She didn't take cancer lying down. She pushed back like the warrior she always was. It just makes my heart hurt all the more that these three amazing women are no longer with us; their loss leaves such a hole where they once shined so brightly. Though, I'm comforted in knowing that they are in their perfect and glorious heavenly home. Cancer didn't get the final word; the cross did!

On a more national and global scale, we've also seen the horrors of war, natural disasters, school shootings, and shocking videos this past week of people being killed in cold blood. The grief and heaviness is everywhere in my social media feeds. It hurts. 

Yesterday and today, I was having some tearful moments (regarding all of the above as well as other hurts and things I won't go into). I've let myself cry and try to let the ache out; especially knowing that today marks two months that Melissa unexpectedly went to heaven. I was feeling very drained physically, so that usually has me seeking out a big salad to nourish me. So, I went to Martin's for lunch today to visit the salad bar. Melissa and I had gone there for a lunch date in the past. I was thinking of her before I got out of my car and said, "I miss you, Missy....I miss you, Melissa." Then, out of the blue (and quite literally) a Martin's worker in the parking lot noticed me and started coming my way as if she knew me. She was drawn to me because of my blue hair and colorful attire. She showed me her purple hair wrapped up in a sequined scrunchie at the back of her hat (I have a similar one like it, actually). She was wearing colorful glasses and we just started chatting it up as if we were old friends. Her name tag said, "Missy". I asked if it was short for "Melissa" because that was my name. She said it was, and it made it all the nicer. I asked how I could pray for her and she said it was usually her that did the praying for people. "Me too," I said. I told her the blue hair thing gets me a lot of prayer opportunities. She handed me these cross pennies and told me that this was one of her things. 

I prayed and we parted ways for today. It felt like such an especially good and fitting blessing for this two month marker. Pennies for my thoughts; and the cross is right there within them. He anchors and sustains me; abiding and remaining there. My word for this year (abide) continuing to show me why there couldn't have been a more comforting and important word to hold onto for 2025. There have been a lot of heartbreaking things this year; a lot of painful changes and exits of various kinds. Through every loss, One always stays and never leaves: Jesus. That anchor for my soul, that hope, my Savior, has kept all the grief in check. With every crashing wave, I haven't drowned:  

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. - 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 (NIV)

 

He is FAITHFUL! GREAT is His faithfulness and His mercies that are NEW every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23)! Even when I struggle to greet a fresh day gifted to me, I give thanks and depend on Him to get me going.

I recently saw an ad in my feed for this ring. It really spoke to me and I decided that I really needed to buy it and wear it as a reminder (it's currently making it's way to me through the mail). Whether you know this about me or not, I don't have a problem being honest, real, and vulnerable. I know I've shared this before, but I've struggled with wanting to persevere (and sometimes, my promise to my friend Shane has been one of the last threads at the end of my rope when I've been at my most fragile points in life). Yet, I continue to endure. I'm pro-life, and that includes my own life too; no matter how hard it gets. Katherine Wolf says "if you have a pulse, you have a purpose". She, Joni Eareckson Tada, and Nick Vujicic are all shining examples of living on purpose WITH purpose. Faith should fuel every believer to keep their eyes on Jesus and keep going. It's not about us; it's about Him. Karrah lived that way. Missy lived that way. Nightbirde lived that way. I also choose to live that way until it's my turn to go home. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! If you are also struggling to process grief, I highly recommend Katherine Wolf's book "Suffer Strong". It's one that I will likely re-read (after I read the rest of her books as well). I'm also making my way through "It's Ok That You're Not Ok" by Megan Devine. "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis is also one that I have read a few times. Just know that grief isn't a "problem" that needs to be fixed, or something to be rushed through. Feel what you feel. The loss hurts much because you love much. Regardless of how personal or impersonal the connection was, that void is felt when what or whom you have lost is no longer there. You can't go back and change it, but you are not alone. Jesus never changes and never leaves. It makes me all the more grateful for this year's word.  As I continue to abide, I feel the joy and comfort in the fact that my Savior always stays and remains with me. He doesn't abandon me. I'm still here. He's still here. He knows. He cares. He holds me up. He is with me; and I'm remaining and abiding with Him too. Reach out to Him; He hears you! Stay connected with your family, your pastor, and church family/friends. Call someone. Get support/help. You will get through this! Don't give up! God bless you!