Priceless Pennies

A few days ago, the devotional on Our Daily Bread mentioned someone who always touches my heart: Jane Kristen Marczewski (aka Nightbirde). You may or may not recall this amazing, brave, faith-filled, talented woman whose golden buzzer moment on AGT is one of the most memorable ever. I'll never forget it. Everything about that audition made me weep (and it still does; even at this moment and every time I watch it). Even though she was frail, she radiated God's love, peace, joy, and hope. She declared the goodness of God and she famously told the judges, "You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy." She knew where her source of joy was. In her songs, blog, and poetry, she bore her heart in such a genuine way; and she glorified the Lord with her life. I often listen to "It's Ok" as well as her cover of "The Story I'll Tell". In it, she sings, "my God did not fail"; even while knowing that her cancer was likely going to take her life (which it did). She knew that God's wisdom is beyond our expectations and interpretations of what we think success is.

Even though I didn't know her personally, her impact on me has been deep. She inspires me and keeps me tethered to my faith when I feel like life is hard and I struggle to choose joy. I hear those songs, see her grin and her radiant glow, and know that that's what true worship looks like. She was a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) and a testament of His grace (amazingly, Jeremy Avila just talked about being a living sacrifice at our most recent Friday Worship Night). Like the apostle Paul, she knew that whether in death or life, it's all a win with Jesus: 

For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die. - Philippians 1:20 (NLT)

This year has been hard. There's been a lot of grief. Not only did we unexpectedly lose Melissa Coy to a cancer battle she didn't know she was fighting, but we also just lost Karrah Teruya to the one she's been bravely battling for years. I had literally just seen her at a Melissa's memorial. Like Nightbirde, she still had that radiance. I often told her she was a phoenix because of how she continued to rise from the ashes. Every time the medical community thought it was over for her, she kept proving them wrong. No one fought harder to live and make the most out of the time she was given than Karrah (she even got her master's degree!). She didn't take cancer lying down. She pushed back like the warrior she always was. It just makes my heart hurt all the more that these three amazing women are no longer with us; their loss leaves such a hole where they once shined so brightly. Though, I'm comforted in knowing that they are in their perfect and glorious heavenly home. Cancer didn't get the final word; the cross did!

On a more national and global scale, we've also seen the horrors of war, natural disasters, school shootings, and shocking videos this past week of people being killed in cold blood. The grief and heaviness is everywhere in my social media feeds. It hurts. 

Yesterday and today, I was having some tearful moments (regarding all of the above as well as other hurts and things I won't go into). I've let myself cry and try to let the ache out; especially knowing that today marks two months that Melissa unexpectedly went to heaven. I was feeling very drained physically, so that usually has me seeking out a big salad to nourish me. So, I went to Martin's for lunch today to visit the salad bar. Melissa and I had gone there for a lunch date in the past. I was thinking of her before I got out of my car and said, "I miss you, Missy....I miss you, Melissa." Then, out of the blue (and quite literally) a Martin's worker in the parking lot noticed me and started coming my way as if she knew me. She was drawn to me because of my blue hair and colorful attire. She showed me her purple hair wrapped up in a sequined scrunchie at the back of her hat (I have a similar one like it, actually). She was wearing colorful glasses and we just started chatting it up as if we were old friends. Her name tag said, "Missy". I asked if it was short for "Melissa" because that was my name. She said it was, and it made it all the nicer. I asked how I could pray for her and she said it was usually her that did the praying for people. "Me too," I said. I told her the blue hair thing gets me a lot of prayer opportunities. She handed me these cross pennies and told me that this was one of her things. 

I prayed and we parted ways for today. It felt like such an especially good and fitting blessing for this two month marker. Pennies for my thoughts; and the cross is right there within them. He anchors and sustains me; abiding and remaining there. My word for this year (abide) continuing to show me why there couldn't have been a more comforting and important word to hold onto for 2025. There have been a lot of heartbreaking things this year; a lot of painful changes and exits of various kinds. Through every loss, One always stays and never leaves: Jesus. That anchor for my soul, that hope, my Savior, has kept all the grief in check. With every crashing wave, I haven't drowned:  

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. - 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 (NIV)

 

He is FAITHFUL! GREAT is His faithfulness and His mercies that are NEW every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23)! Even when I struggle to greet a fresh day gifted to me, I give thanks and depend on Him to get me going.

I recently saw an ad in my feed for this ring. It really spoke to me and I decided that I really needed to buy it and wear it as a reminder (it's currently making it's way to me through the mail). Whether you know this about me or not, I don't have a problem being honest, real, and vulnerable. I know I've shared this before, but I've struggled with wanting to persevere (and sometimes, my promise to my friend Shane has been one of the last threads at the end of my rope when I've been at my most fragile points in life). Yet, I continue to endure. I'm pro-life, and that includes my own life too; no matter how hard it gets. Katherine Wolf says "if you have a pulse, you have a purpose". She, Joni Eareckson Tada, and Nick Vujicic are all shining examples of living on purpose WITH purpose. Faith should fuel every believer to keep their eyes on Jesus and keep going. It's not about us; it's about Him. Karrah lived that way. Missy lived that way. Nightbirde lived that way. I also choose to live that way until it's my turn to go home. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! If you are also struggling to process grief, I highly recommend Katherine Wolf's book "Suffer Strong". It's one that I will likely re-read (after I read the rest of her books as well). I'm also making my way through "It's Ok That You're Not Ok" by Megan Devine. "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis is also one that I have read a few times. Just know that grief isn't a "problem" that needs to be fixed, or something to be rushed through. Feel what you feel. The loss hurts much because you love much. Regardless of how personal or impersonal the connection was, that void is felt when what or whom you have lost is no longer there. You can't go back and change it, but you are not alone. Jesus never changes and never leaves. It makes me all the more grateful for this year's word.  As I continue to abide, I feel the joy and comfort in the fact that my Savior always stays and remains with me. He doesn't abandon me. I'm still here. He's still here. He knows. He cares. He holds me up. He is with me; and I'm remaining and abiding with Him too. Reach out to Him; He hears you! Stay connected with your family, your pastor, and church family/friends. Call someone. Get support/help. You will get through this! Don't give up! God bless you! 

 

There Is No 1985

"The timeline skewed into this tangent creating an alternate 1985. Alternate to you, me, and Einstein; but reality for everyone else." - Doc Brown, "Back to the Future: Part II". 

I think this quote describe grief, mistakes, and regrets best. There are so many moments where life as we know it "skews" into a tangent and creates an alternate reality. The timeline changes and what you once knew to be "1985" is no longer 1985 to you anymore. Some people experience that foreign reality with you and know that something has changed. Nothing will be the same and you wish you had a time machine so you could go back and reset the timeline. Others go on with life as if nothing has happened.  

Grief has several stages: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. It's not a straight shot either. The shock takes a while to wear off and is an undercurrent for the next three for a while. Denial, anger, and bargaining take their turns; moment to moment and day by day. Sometimes, you almost think they're gone and that acceptance is right around the corner; waiting to greet you. Then, a trigger reminds you of the "alternate 1985" that you're living in; and you toggle through the stages some more. Grief truly is a process; and its timeline is one of the most endlessly varied ones there is. 

I think the "bargaining" stage is one of the hardest and cruelest things. It's where so many questions, "what ifs", and "if onlys" lurk. It's where the "time machine" lives. You revisit the past, imagine the scenarios that would have been if something were done differently, and start thinking about how that would make 1985 alright again. However, you know you can't change anything. The time machine needs to be left alone. You can't go back; and shouldn't even if you could. Time is in God's hands; not ours. Nothing can change a road not taken, a mistake made, or a person lost. About the only thing we can do with the time machine in our mind is go back to the best moments of life and think on all the good things (Philippians 4:8).

That's what I have tried to do in the midst of my own current grieving process. I gathered up my best moments and memories and was intent on making a blog post (but ended up making a video instead). This is the time machine I allow myself to use. It makes me feel like the "real 1985" still exists. Yet, it's sort of a danger because it makes me want to hold hands with denial more than I should. Grief sucks. It's hard.

It's the moments of knowing everything is in the past and can't be changed that the anger creeps up again. All the promises of the Bible that are embedded deeply in my heart start to feel like a lie. But, that's the twist (and we know where the "twisting" comes from); it's not a lie. I have to remember that there is a time for everything under the sun. It may be hard to understand the timing, but we can trust it (because we trust Him). Whenever something is hard and I wonder "why me?"; I have to ask "why Him?" I deserve to suffer; but Christ didn't. Yet, Jesus didn't spare Himself from suffering and death. He could have rescued Himself, but He didn't (well, not ultimately; though there were plenty of times He could have been taken out and wasn't...it's all according to the Father's timeline). He didn't spare His own cousin either (and poor John was sitting on death row wondering why because He knew and declared who Jesus was to all). Eventually, each one of us dies and faces judgment (Hebrews 9:27). With the exception of Enoch and Elijah, all will experience death (even Lazarus, who was raised from the dead by Jesus, still eventually died....again lol). Maybe we've had near misses in the past, and God has spared us from those near-death scenarios, but we won't get spared in this life every time. Our time will come; and we don't know when or how.

That point about John the Baptist (and many others in the Bible who weren't spared from suffering, tragedy, and death by our all-powerful God who could have stopped it if He wanted to) was brought up at Melissa Coy's memorial service. It's an important thing to remember because Jesus told us that we would have trouble, but that He has overcome it (John 16:33). I love it when the very things that God is telling/comforting me with show up in others too. That's the kind of perfect timing we all love! I was so glad that that was part of the message. It's assuring, affirming, and makes me feel confident that I'm hearing what Holy Spirit has been saying. It reminds me that there are no coincidences; God really is speaking and His truth is showing up in the hearts of so many at the same time! It's amazing and it makes any doubts fade into the background. We can trust the wisdom and timing of God; even when it doesn't make sense. We know that He has a plan and purpose for it all (Romans 8:28). 

The bottom line is this: there is no "1985". The timeline "skews" all the time. There's no normal; no baseline. The alterations are always happening; and they've been happening since the fall of man. The only TRUE and perfect timeline was before the fall; and that is why Jesus sacrificed His life for ours. Sin altered the timeline; but He reconciled it for good! He truly turned back time through His death and resurrection! Now, we wait for the day where it will be fully finalized and there will no more time at all; only eternity. Those who are in Christ are experiencing the joy of that right now; and this grief we're going through in missing them isn't like the grief of those who have no hope. However, those who died without putting their faith in Christ are experiencing eternal horror; and we truly mourn for their fate that cannot be changed. The finality of both should make us pause and think. It's truly the "Good News" for those who are already in His presence, but catastrophic for those who are not. Once we take our last breath here on Earth, our own personal timeline skews for one final time. This recent article about Ozzy Osbourne's death sums it up well; especially this part: 

Ozzy’s death is not about Ozzy

It’s about you.

The news of his death is not a tabloid event. It is a trumpet blast to the living. The man who once stood on stage and howled at the moon is now silent. The crowd is gone. The lights are off. And he is face to face with eternity.

So ask yourself: if the curtain fell tonight, would you be ready?

Do not play games with your soul. Do not wait to become a better version of yourself. Do not pretend that God is still deciding what to do with you.

He already has.

He sent His Son.

He opened the door.

And He promised – if you will repent and believe, you will be saved.

Not improved. Not reformed. Saved.

You will still die, but death will lose its power. It will become a doorway, not a sentence. And when the trumpet sounds, and your body rises, you will see Him – Christ – and He will not be your Judge. He will be your Joy.

I don't know much about Ozzy or where his heart was at (I truly hope he got saved). But I do know that we have a very different story with another celebrity that just passed: Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster accepted Christ and was baptized. We don't have to wonder who he put his faith in. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Don't get stuck in the past. They're shadows of what has been. We live in the present, and that's the only time we truly have. The future isn't promised, so we have to make the best choices NOW while we still have "time". TODAY is the day of salvation. Once your timeline stops, that "skew" is the final decision. It will either skew up or down. Decide NOW which direction you want to go; because there are no time machines in Hell. Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve and follow the example of people like Melissa Coy who chose well. You can't alter the past, but you can still alter your future while there is still time to write it....so "make it a good one" by choosing to follow Jesus. Amen!

Welcomed Home to Heaven

This isn't the post I anticipated writing. No matter how bad things looked, I don't think any of us who were praying actually thought this would be the result. We prayed for and expected a miraculous healing. So many saw and prophesied it; and I do not believe it was wishful thinking. The faith of so many banded together to offer up powerful prayers. We all contended for it and we know that God is able (He's still good and nothing changes that). The stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance) have cycled through so many times and acceptance feels elusive. We wanted to see a testimony of miraculous healing and for it to happen on Earth as it is in heaven. 

However, God decided not to reveal His power and glory in that way. Instead, the Father decided to give Melissa Coy the ultimate reward of coming home into His arms today. For that reason, we can all rejoice and know that we don't grieve like those that have no hope. 

In times like these, I think about something that Chip Ingram said in his "The Real God" book/series (which I HIGHLY recommend). When talking about the wisdom of God, he shares this point from A.W. Tozer: 

All God's acts are done in perfect wisdom, first for His own glory, and then for the highest good of the greatest number for the longest time. And all His acts are as pure as they are wise, and as good as they are wise and pure. Not only could His acts not be better done: a better way to do them could not be imagined. An infinitely wise God must work in a manner not to be improved upon by finite creatures.

As true and comforting as that fact is, it's still hard. For me, and for all of us, it's difficult to accept that Melissa Coy's work here on Earth was considered finished and that she was called home so soon. One of the many things that I'm grateful for is the fact that she got to see her one and only child, Addison, reach adulthood and graduate this year. She was there for all those milestones in his life, but what about all the ones to come? It hurts me so much to think about all those future events that she won't be here for. I had prayed so much for a King Hezekiah moment of reversal where the Lord would heal her and give her more time. Though, like her husband Derek shared recently, nothing stopped her from being there for her family and for others while she was here. No matter what she had to sacrifice or persevere through, she did it; and did it willingly. She made every moment count and it brought her joy; even though she had to push through so much physical pain (I know all of this too well myself because we both had/have the back issues). She was strong, determined, and exuded God's love in all she did. Going through life henceforth without her presence is a horrible new reality; though the spirit of God that was with her is with us too. The work and fruit of the Spirit doesn't ever disappear; it stays and goes on. In that way, she'll always be here because all she did in His Name is still here and the Kingdom will always continue without end. 

Please, pray for Derek, Addison, and the rest of the family/friends/church family. God's wisdom is a hard thing to comprehend and see clearly in the midst of so much grief. Though, what I've come to understand after many personal losses in life, it will lead to a brighter path and we'll be transformed by that healing process into a better version of ourselves for the Kingdom if we choose to align with it. If we choose to embrace the ways that God wants to use it all for His good purposes (Romans 8:28), we will be refined by the fires instead of being destroyed by them (Isaiah 48:10, 1 Peter 1:3-9). Sometimes, the best people are taken so the ones left behind can become better ones. Unfortunately, sometimes we seem to grow more/become better versions of ourselves as a result of tragedy rather than victory. Again, God's wisdom. Melissa got a glorious welcome home to heaven where she is pain/care free. We still have to deal with ours (and the pain of missing her) but this is hers and heaven's gain. The Kingdom will continue to advance in the aftermath of all of this because God is still good and the fruit Holy Spirit produced in her life will have ripple effects forever!

I'm reminded of a few songs right now that bring comfort in this broken place. I think of a cover song by Nightbirde (an AGT golden buzzer contestant who loved Jesus and also tragically lost her battle with cancer). She declares "my God did not fail" as she sings "The Story I'll Tell". I listen to it quite often; as well as her original song "It's OK". Mandisa (whose family I still pray for regularly, because the sudden loss of her is still a big hurt as well) has a song called, "He is With You". Also, Ryan Stevenson's "Eye of the Storm" and "When We Fall Apart" (which is about how he lost his mother to cancer). All of these songs help get the ache out while simultaneously remembering the hope of Jesus and giving Him praise.

Grace and peace to you, my friends. I hope and pray that all of us will draw near to God and He will draw near to us; for He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (James 4:8, Jeremiah 29:12-14, Psalm 34:18). God doesn't waste the pain; the testimonies and spiritual growth that is bound to happen in all of us who are walking through this will yield good fruit in time. Melissa's blessed homecoming will very likely lead to the opportunity for more people to share in that eternity as God does whatever He plans to do in all our hearts and it spreads for good. Blessed testimonies, miracles, and salvations can and will begin from where her earthly journey ended. Love never fails. God IS love, and He does not fail. Amen!