I knew this week was going to be a turning point. It’s like all these months have been leading up to this; the moment when things truly become real and everything starts truly changing/beginning again.
It’s been eight months now since my life has been completely turned upside down. I’ve had to adjust to so many things (and am still adjusting). I don’t know how to articulate it all into something anyone can understand, because I don’t even know how to describe it to myself and have it make sense. So, I think I will skip sorting through the details and just basically say that this week truly feels like my new beginning. I thought my new start was when I moved out, but I guess there are lots of things that have to die/end before things really begin again.
Monday was the “legal” death of my marriage; though it died long ago. Though, now, it finally comes with lots of long awaited provisions in order to help get my kids and I ready to truly be on our own. All this time, we’ve been living with my parents (and thank God for them!). Though, soon, I’m sure we’ll be able to transition to being in a place of our own.
Perhaps that’s the reason I haven’t fully “settled in” in all these months. Myself, and my parents, have been after me to organize/clean up my room. I have straightened up here and there, but it’s never been fully “complete”. So, today, I decided that that’s what I was going to do since I have the time and am off this whole week from work (someone forgot to schedule me, and rather than bring it to their attention, I took this as a sign that I needed the break - and I’m glad!). Amazingly, I discovered a deeper reason why I haven’t straightened things up. It’s more than mere lack of time, effort, and procrastination. It’s because when I look around and see everything getting in its place, I feel settled in. That brings up the feelings of “nothing is going to be the same again” which forces you to face the shock and denial that you’re living in. In my heart, I think I felt “why should I really put things away. It won’t be there long. I’m not staying here. This is just temporary. Don’t get comfortable. Don’t make this home.” The old part of me knew it was because it felt like this wasn’t really happening and that this was just temporary until my life resumed. The other part KNEW that this was just a transition and that I would soon start a new life in a new place at some point. So, it’s a very torn feeling to be living in a sort of purgatory between the life you left and the life you’re going to.
So, I’ve been crying quite a bit today as I’m facing the fact that soon, everything is going to change AGAIN. I’m truly going to be living as a single mom and learning for the first time what it’s like to live on my own without parents or a husband. The idea of it feels strange and lonely. I have no idea how to embrace that.
This whole past year has felt like a slow and painful death. However, I think I’m finally starting to feel like the worst is over and things are really turning a corner - hopefully. Spring is almost here, and that means new life. This is my new life coming into season. Grieving is still painful, but not as frequent as it was (mainly due to keeping myself busy and distracted - yeah, I know…I have to deal with it SOMETIME!). I still have a VERY long way to go, but I think I’m starting to wake up.
The final thing that sparked in me today was when I decided to put my iPod on shuffle. “Crazy Times” by Jars of Clay popped up. The words hit me like a fresh load of bricks:
You're cold that way
And that's why you say
The things that you say
You can't attract
The things that you lack
You're trying in vain
It seems it's always the crazy times
You find you'll wake up and realize
It takes more than your saline eyes
To make things right
You spiral down
You've broken your crown
You don't feel like a queen
You've seen the proof
But you're still crying wolf
You'll never believe
You try to climb a broken ladder
Grip the missing rungs
And fall down, down, down
Seems sometime ago you said
This wouldn't last
And now you sit here crying
Beside your bed
You feel left for dead
You kneel in the dark...
It takes more than your saline eyes
To make things right
This song took me back to my senior year of high school where I was in a severe state of depression and the music of Jars of Clay spoke to me in ways that helped so much. I see the parallel between then and now and how this song makes more sense to me than it ever did. A large part of me has gone cold, and it’s why I have been the way I am and acted the way I have for a while. I’m not myself, and I can’t expect to “attract the things I lack” and make myself better. I am not going to bring about positive/good things in my current state and with my admitted angry/prideful attitude that has caused me to be running in the opposite direction of where I should. In these “crazy times”, you eventually wake up and realize that you can’t save yourself. Your tears and whining aren’t going to make things right if you don’t have the attitude to do a 180 and just continue to complain about the pain and not do anything to yank yourself out of it. So many times, I have cried “God, please make the pain stop!” and have been furious that it hasn’t, even though a good portion of it has been brought on by my own actions. So, today, I felt inside: “No, YOU make it stop!” I CAN MAKE IT STOP! It’s within my power via my free-will. I can make different choices; the choices I need to in order to MAKE IT STOP! God can’t “stop” pain that I’m choosing! The only pain that He can stop is the pain that I surrender to be healed.
I’m knocked down and falling; not feeling “like a queen” or the child of God I was. Despite the prayers and advice and evidence all around that God is there for me (and always has been) I’ve “cried wolf” as if He hasn’t been. So, I climb my own incomplete and broken ladder, and keep falling. I‘ve kept thinking that eventually, I would give it up and quit being stupid…and that whatever “phase” I’m in won’t last long. I’ll snap out of it and rebound as I usually do. Yet, here I sit….crying (as I often do). I have yet to snap out of it. Nothing has hit me hard enough; or maybe it has but it has made ME hardened and more resistant. I’ve never been in a phase this severe or for this long. I know all that it takes is a decision to flip the switch, but I haven’t cared to do so. Why? I’m not sure. I WANT to care, but I don’t. So, that’s about the only prayer I pray right now: “I really don’t care, but I want to/should. Please, make me care again.” I think I’m almost done running and resisting - almost. I’m getting there. Patient and forgiving is He - if only I could be with myself!
Thank you to everyone who is praying for me and my crazy messed up life/state of mind. God bless you all, and thank you to all my REAL friends who have helped me through all of this and continue to be there for me! I appreciate those of you who haven’t abandoned, betrayed, or made things worse for me! I love you!!
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