Have you ever watched "Inside Out"? It's that animated movie where
you get an inside look into a little girl's head and you see how her
thoughts and feelings work. You even get to see how
some moments get turned into special "core memories"; a glowing, radiant ball that is
nestled forever into the heart of who she is and shapes who she's going
to be. It's an interesting movie because it makes you think about how a
person perceives and processes things.
Last Thursday, I
was honored and privileged to get to witness this beautiful process when
Paige showcased it to us at her student-led conference at school. In
her language arts class, she showed us the memoir she was supposed to
write. Chris, Casey, Gianna, Julie (Paige's biological mother), and I
all gathered around her and her computer so she could show us her memoir
and read it to us. When I saw the title, I was a little bit nervous and
thought it might be a bit of an awkward moment. However, it wasn't
awkward at all (at least not for me). I was very amazed and moved to the
point of choking back tears when I read/heard these words:
My memoir is about getting new siblings.
My life lesson is: Not all change is bad.
“Get
up, Paige!” called my dad. “We are meeting my girlfriend and her kids
today, remember?” Now, those are some words of instant terror. I had
already been worrying ALL NIGHT about what I was doing in the morning. I
was afraid to see what she was like, what the kids were like, and how
nice they were.
When we got to martin’s, we stopped at Starbucks
and got some snacks. Then we did some brief shopping. I could see that
her kids were very excited to meet me and the girl was very happy that
she might have a new sister. They seemed very nice, but H-Y-P-E-R!
Months
passed, and my dad finally decided that he was going to ask his
girlfriend to marry him. First, he asked me if I would like having her
as a stepmom. I said yes. So he asked her to marry him, and she said
yes.
On the day of the wedding everything went as planned, and
they said their loooong vows. (Let’s just say there were some VERY
profound words!) I had gotten to know Gianna and Casey, my step
siblings, pretty well now. Sometimes we would get in fights, which left
me feeling languor. Sometimes everything was calm and serene.
In
the years after my parents divorced, I definitely had a pessimistic
attitude. I had it set in my mind that no matter what, all change was
bad. I thought change could never make things better, that life was only
going to get worse. I realize now that I was wrong. My siblings have
been a blessing in my life. I no longer am alone with nobody to turn to,
like reaching out into the darkness to find that I have no hope. My
siblings know how it feels to go through a divorce. They are always
there when I need them, and I will always be there when they need me.
I
was absolutely BURSTING with joy inside! It added a whole new dimension
of perspective and emotions to my own core memories of those moments
that she described. Not only that, but it created a completely new core
memory inside of me that I will never forget and will treasure forever!
The whole moment was so affirming and encouraging! It was a tremendous
gift from God that I quickly realized was something that could only be
described as
the treasure in heaven that Jesus describes:
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But
store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do
not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:19-21.
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| Their first photo together! |
The
reason Paige's story meant so much to me was because (as anyone from or
in a blended family knows well) adjustments are hard and unpredictable.
You hope and pray that when your families merge together, everyone will
love each other and live happily ever after. You hope that you won't
have the complications that came up in the blended family that you grew
up in yourself. I won't go into details about all of that, but let's
just say it is a relief to know that Paige's perception of our blended
family is a good one. I absolutely love the fact that she has Casey and
Gianna for her siblings. My favorite part is getting to watch her and
Gianna grow up together and be best friends and sisters. I don't have
any biological sisters; and the one step-sister I once had was never
around. I've always had my brother Ryan, but I've never gotten to
experience the sisterhood that others have. It is truly a priceless gift
that God has given me with Paige and Gianna; I get to experience
sisterhood by observing theirs. I get to witness their games, their
fights, their laughter, and their bond every day. It truly thrills me
and their connection has been there since day one!
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| From our "MeliPaige" Day! |
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The
other thing that I adore about this moment is the assurance that Paige
loves and accepts me; that she is happy that Chris and I are together
and we're her new family. In my heart, I've always loved her as my own,
but I've always been concerned that it wouldn't be reciprocated.
Everyone knows that things can be tough when it comes to the
relationship aspects. In my own experience growing up, I was always
afraid that in my effort to love and bond with a new step-parent or
step-sibling, it would be upsetting to the other biological parent. I
won't go into details, but I'll just say that when a parent or
step-parent makes it difficult or confusing for a child to bond with
someone (whether intentionally or unintentionally) it causes a lot of
problems and takes years to sort out. Sometimes, it leaves a lot of
unnecessary wounds and scars to deal with and makes healing very hard;
creating other "core memories" that you wish you didn't have. That's why
I've always hoped that the family that we have won't have the kind of
pain and problems that Chris and I had in the families we grew up in.
I've always felt that WE have done a good job. I don't worry about our
bonds in this family (as far as what we can personally control in our
household). It's what happens when the kids aren't IN this household
that can be troubling. I don't want any of the kids to feel the way I
did; that they have to hide their life or their emotions from the other
parents because the other parent is too uncomfortable. I don't want them
to ever feel stuck in the middle, but I know that it happens. I hate
it. It hurts me and it hurts them, but we can't can't change or control
the feelings and actions of the other parents involved. We can only keep
doing our best and assure them that no matter what, there is always
going to be safety, love, acceptance, and kindness reigning in our
household. We want them to love the other parent and create beautiful
memories with them just like they do with us! Our greatest hope is that
the other parents encourage the kids to do the same with us so that they
have the best childhoods possible and that they have no hurt
relationships and rifts with anyone in the future. Doing the opposite is
actually pretty self-sabotaging because you end up poisoning the child
against yourself in an effort to poison them against someone else. It's
really hard on the kids and causes them a lot of confusion and sadness. I
hope that there will be a day where parents everywhere will make a
better effort to have peace; for the kids' sake.
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| Our Family; Est. July 5, 2014 |
Grace
and peace to you, my friends! I have greatly enjoyed sharing this
moment with you because this is what life is truly made of! NO ONE can
take away this core memory from her (or from me). It cannot be changed.
It cannot be bought. It cannot be stolen. It's forever sealed in our
hearts and in heaven where no one can alter, taint, sabotage, or take it
from us! It's priceless! All the money in the world cannot create the
memories and emotions that it gives us; which is great because most of
us aren't rich and would have nothing good if these things were
dependent on affordability. Thankfully, true riches are definitely made
up of the stuff that money can't buy! These treasures are created with
love and character. Each and every day, we invest those things in our
children and it's obviously having great returns!! :) When our children
are old and gray, this will be the stuff that means the most to them;
the things that they'll tell their children and grandchildren about. The
older I get, the more I hold onto these real treasures. I don't have
much of the "stuff" that was bought for me; the clothes, toys, and
whatever. All those things were fun at the time, but they're gone.
They've been sold in a garage sale, packed away in storage, or thrown
away. What I have is, "Remember that one time where Dad said...." or
"remember when Ryan did ______ and it was so funny?" It's the quality
time, wise words, hugs, kind gestures, and laughter that lasts forever!
Doing life together (just as God intended) will give you the kind of
hope and joy that Paige so rightly identified as a blessing in her life.
May your own lives be overflowing with memories that touch you to your
core!! God bless you!
My
other memory is about my necklace. It's a cheap two dollar necklace that I
bought at a souvenir place while on vacation many years ago. It became a
favorite of mine that I wore quite a bit. One day, it accidentally got broken.
There were beads everywhere and I reacted with the kind of shock and sadness
that Pocahontas did in that Disney movie scene where her mother's necklace was
broken to bits. I hoped that maybe I would figure out how to fix it...if I ever
had the time and know-how to do it. Realistically speaking, I knew I would
probably never get around to fixing it myself. I can't remember how the subject
came up (or if someone had just mentioned that Aunt Linda had the jewelry
making skills to repair it) but she was more than happy to take a look at it
and see what she could do with it. I don't recall how long she had it, but just
like her mom (my Grandma) she was able to eventually get it done and get it
back to me. Like Grandma, she apologized that she didn't get it finished sooner
and tried to explain how it probably wasn't "quite right" or good
enough. Again, just like with Grandma, I could never quite figure out what the
supposed flaw was because it looked like new to me. I didn't care about any
so-called imperfections or how long it took. All I knew is that I was loved
because time was taken out for me and my problem. Aunt Linda was just like
Grandma (and even looked so much like her too). They both had such willing
hearts to love and serve others; always making sure things got done. They
happily invested in their family and friends. Love, laughter, service, faith,
and joy was a natural part of who they were and is why they are both so beloved
and missed. 
