There Is No 1985

"The timeline skewed into this tangent creating an alternate 1985. Alternate to you, me, and Einstein; but reality for everyone else." - Doc Brown, "Back to the Future: Part II". 

I think this quote describe grief, mistakes, and regrets best. There are so many moments where life as we know it "skews" into a tangent and creates an alternate reality. The timeline changes and what you once knew to be "1985" is no longer 1985 to you anymore. Some people experience that foreign reality with you and know that something has changed. Nothing will be the same and you wish you had a time machine so you could go back and reset the timeline. Others go on with life as if nothing has happened.  

Grief has several stages: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. It's not a straight shot either. The shock takes a while to wear off and is an undercurrent for the next three for a while. Denial, anger, and bargaining take their turns; moment to moment and day by day. Sometimes, you almost think they're gone and that acceptance is right around the corner; waiting to greet you. Then, a trigger reminds you of the "alternate 1985" that you're living in; and you toggle through the stages some more. Grief truly is a process; and its timeline is one of the most endlessly varied ones there is. 

I think the "bargaining" stage is one of the hardest and cruelest things. It's where so many questions, "what ifs", and "if onlys" lurk. It's where the "time machine" lives. You revisit the past, imagine the scenarios that would have been if something were done differently, and start thinking about how that would make 1985 alright again. However, you know you can't change anything. The time machine needs to be left alone. You can't go back; and shouldn't even if you could. Time is in God's hands; not ours. Nothing can change a road not taken, a mistake made, or a person lost. About the only thing we can do with the time machine in our mind is go back to the best moments of life and think on all the good things (Philippians 4:8).

That's what I have tried to do in the midst of my own current grieving process. I gathered up my best moments and memories and was intent on making a blog post (but ended up making a video instead). This is the time machine I allow myself to use. It makes me feel like the "real 1985" still exists. Yet, it's sort of a danger because it makes me want to hold hands with denial more than I should. Grief sucks. It's hard.

It's the moments of knowing everything is in the past and can't be changed that the anger creeps up again. All the promises of the Bible that are embedded deeply in my heart start to feel like a lie. But, that's the twist (and we know where the "twisting" comes from); it's not a lie. I have to remember that there is a time for everything under the sun. It may be hard to understand the timing, but we can trust it (because we trust Him). Whenever something is hard and I wonder "why me?"; I have to ask "why Him?" I deserve to suffer; but Christ didn't. Yet, Jesus didn't spare Himself from suffering and death. He could have rescued Himself, but He didn't (well, not ultimately; though there were plenty of times He could have been taken out and wasn't...it's all according to the Father's timeline). He didn't spare His own cousin either (and poor John was sitting on death row wondering why because He knew and declared who Jesus was to all). Eventually, each one of us dies and faces judgment (Hebrews 9:27). With the exception of Enoch and Elijah, all will experience death (even Lazarus, who was raised from the dead by Jesus, still eventually died....again lol). Maybe we've had near misses in the past, and God has spared us from those near-death scenarios, but we won't get spared in this life every time. Our time will come; and we don't know when or how.

That point about John the Baptist (and many others in the Bible who weren't spared from suffering, tragedy, and death by our all-powerful God who could have stopped it if He wanted to) was brought up at Melissa Coy's memorial service. It's an important thing to remember because Jesus told us that we would have trouble, but that He has overcome it (John 16:33). I love it when the very things that God is telling/comforting me with show up in others too. That's the kind of perfect timing we all love! I was so glad that that was part of the message. It's assuring, affirming, and makes me feel confident that I'm hearing what Holy Spirit has been saying. It reminds me that there are no coincidences; God really is speaking and His truth is showing up in the hearts of so many at the same time! It's amazing and it makes any doubts fade into the background. We can trust the wisdom and timing of God; even when it doesn't make sense. We know that He has a plan and purpose for it all (Romans 8:28). 

The bottom line is this: there is no "1985". The timeline "skews" all the time. There's no normal; no baseline. The alterations are always happening; and they've been happening since the fall of man. The only TRUE and perfect timeline was before the fall; and that is why Jesus sacrificed His life for ours. Sin altered the timeline; but He reconciled it for good! He truly turned back time through His death and resurrection! Now, we wait for the day where it will be fully finalized and there will no more time at all; only eternity. Those who are in Christ are experiencing the joy of that right now; and this grief we're going through in missing them isn't like the grief of those who have no hope. However, those who died without putting their faith in Christ are experiencing eternal horror; and we truly mourn for their fate that cannot be changed. The finality of both should make us pause and think. It's truly the "Good News" for those who are already in His presence, but catastrophic for those who are not. Once we take our last breath here on Earth, our own personal timeline skews for one final time. This recent article about Ozzy Osbourne's death sums it up well; especially this part: 

Ozzy’s death is not about Ozzy

It’s about you.

The news of his death is not a tabloid event. It is a trumpet blast to the living. The man who once stood on stage and howled at the moon is now silent. The crowd is gone. The lights are off. And he is face to face with eternity.

So ask yourself: if the curtain fell tonight, would you be ready?

Do not play games with your soul. Do not wait to become a better version of yourself. Do not pretend that God is still deciding what to do with you.

He already has.

He sent His Son.

He opened the door.

And He promised – if you will repent and believe, you will be saved.

Not improved. Not reformed. Saved.

You will still die, but death will lose its power. It will become a doorway, not a sentence. And when the trumpet sounds, and your body rises, you will see Him – Christ – and He will not be your Judge. He will be your Joy.

I don't know much about Ozzy or where his heart was at (I truly hope he got saved). But I do know that we have a very different story with another celebrity that just passed: Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster accepted Christ and was baptized. We don't have to wonder who he put his faith in. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Don't get stuck in the past. They're shadows of what has been. We live in the present, and that's the only time we truly have. The future isn't promised, so we have to make the best choices NOW while we still have "time". TODAY is the day of salvation. Once your timeline stops, that "skew" is the final decision. It will either skew up or down. Decide NOW which direction you want to go; because there are no time machines in Hell. Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve and follow the example of people like Melissa Coy who chose well. You can't alter the past, but you can still alter your future while there is still time to write it....so "make it a good one" by choosing to follow Jesus. Amen!

Welcomed Home to Heaven

This isn't the post I anticipated writing. No matter how bad things looked, I don't think any of us who were praying actually thought this would be the result. We prayed for and expected a miraculous healing. So many saw and prophesied it; and I do not believe it was wishful thinking. The faith of so many banded together to offer up powerful prayers. We all contended for it and we know that God is able (He's still good and nothing changes that). The stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance) have cycled through so many times and acceptance feels elusive. We wanted to see a testimony of miraculous healing and for it to happen on Earth as it is in heaven. 

However, God decided not to reveal His power and glory in that way. Instead, the Father decided to give Melissa Coy the ultimate reward of coming home into His arms today. For that reason, we can all rejoice and know that we don't grieve like those that have no hope. 

In times like these, I think about something that Chip Ingram said in his "The Real God" book/series (which I HIGHLY recommend). When talking about the wisdom of God, he shares this point from A.W. Tozer: 

All God's acts are done in perfect wisdom, first for His own glory, and then for the highest good of the greatest number for the longest time. And all His acts are as pure as they are wise, and as good as they are wise and pure. Not only could His acts not be better done: a better way to do them could not be imagined. An infinitely wise God must work in a manner not to be improved upon by finite creatures.

As true and comforting as that fact is, it's still hard. For me, and for all of us, it's difficult to accept that Melissa Coy's work here on Earth was considered finished and that she was called home so soon. One of the many things that I'm grateful for is the fact that she got to see her one and only child, Addison, reach adulthood and graduate this year. She was there for all those milestones in his life, but what about all the ones to come? It hurts me so much to think about all those future events that she won't be here for. I had prayed so much for a King Hezekiah moment of reversal where the Lord would heal her and give her more time. Though, like her husband Derek shared recently, nothing stopped her from being there for her family and for others while she was here. No matter what she had to sacrifice or persevere through, she did it; and did it willingly. She made every moment count and it brought her joy; even though she had to push through so much physical pain (I know all of this too well myself because we both had/have the back issues). She was strong, determined, and exuded God's love in all she did. Going through life henceforth without her presence is a horrible new reality; though the spirit of God that was with her is with us too. The work and fruit of the Spirit doesn't ever disappear; it stays and goes on. In that way, she'll always be here because all she did in His Name is still here and the Kingdom will always continue without end. 

Please, pray for Derek, Addison, and the rest of the family/friends/church family. God's wisdom is a hard thing to comprehend and see clearly in the midst of so much grief. Though, what I've come to understand after many personal losses in life, it will lead to a brighter path and we'll be transformed by that healing process into a better version of ourselves for the Kingdom if we choose to align with it. If we choose to embrace the ways that God wants to use it all for His good purposes (Romans 8:28), we will be refined by the fires instead of being destroyed by them (Isaiah 48:10, 1 Peter 1:3-9). Sometimes, the best people are taken so the ones left behind can become better ones. Unfortunately, sometimes we seem to grow more/become better versions of ourselves as a result of tragedy rather than victory. Again, God's wisdom. Melissa got a glorious welcome home to heaven where she is pain/care free. We still have to deal with ours (and the pain of missing her) but this is hers and heaven's gain. The Kingdom will continue to advance in the aftermath of all of this because God is still good and the fruit Holy Spirit produced in her life will have ripple effects forever!

I'm reminded of a few songs right now that bring comfort in this broken place. I think of a cover song by Nightbirde (an AGT golden buzzer contestant who loved Jesus and also tragically lost her battle with cancer). She declares "my God did not fail" as she sings "The Story I'll Tell". I listen to it quite often; as well as her original song "It's OK". Mandisa (whose family I still pray for regularly, because the sudden loss of her is still a big hurt as well) has a song called, "He is With You". Also, Ryan Stevenson's "Eye of the Storm" and "When We Fall Apart" (which is about how he lost his mother to cancer). All of these songs help get the ache out while simultaneously remembering the hope of Jesus and giving Him praise.

Grace and peace to you, my friends. I hope and pray that all of us will draw near to God and He will draw near to us; for He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (James 4:8, Jeremiah 29:12-14, Psalm 34:18). God doesn't waste the pain; the testimonies and spiritual growth that is bound to happen in all of us who are walking through this will yield good fruit in time. Melissa's blessed homecoming will very likely lead to the opportunity for more people to share in that eternity as God does whatever He plans to do in all our hearts and it spreads for good. Blessed testimonies, miracles, and salvations can and will begin from where her earthly journey ended. Love never fails. God IS love, and He does not fail. Amen!

The Broken Place

This past week has really been something; and I know that it hasn't just been me. I've seen a lot of hard things going on; both in the world and from friends and family. Stuff has just been difficult and heavy; though there have been some good things happening as well. My husband DID get that job that I mentioned in my last post and it's been going great! Praise God! Also, things have changed a lot in my job; which has been very bittersweet and messy with the hellos, goodbyes, and transitioning into the familiar but unfamiliar. It's all a bit stressful. It feels very awkward and weird to have the positive and negative all crash together at once  It's hard to process. The mood swings have been all over the place (perimenopause and chronic fatigue/pain doesn't help things either).

There's far too much to share and unpack, so I'll just get to the main point of this post. I wanted to share a poem that I wrote a couple days ago with the hope that it will bless others who are probably feeling the same way right now. Poetry seems to be the outlet that helps me the most. Reading it back continues to help and refresh me as well. All the ways that God gifts us to help others helps ourselves too. He gives good gifts to us (Matthew 7:11, Luke 11:13, James 1:17). 

This poem is called "The Broken Place" (and also echoes another poem called "Renewed Warrior" that I shared in a previous post). I just want you to know that being in that place is ok. It's ok not to be ok (listen to one of my go-to songs about that). Stuff hurts and we don't have to pretend it doesn't.  

Speaking of that, I think Kent Butcher did very well with talking about this stuff in his guest preaching at Vineyard a while back (MUST watch!). If we remember that God is a safe place to spill out all the good, bad, and ugly, we'll get through it all much better. Jesus suffered; and suffered FOR us. He knows. He knows it all. We can have our "Lieutenant Dan Moments" in a thunderstorm and know that God hears and cares. Jesus said that in this world, we would have trouble, but to take heart because He has overcome the world (John 16:33). Our perfect, flawless, and all-powerful Lord and Savior went through hardships when He was here in the body. He was tempted by satan and He was persecuted, plotted against, tortured, and killed by the very ones who are made in His image. How or why would we be exempt from suffering? He was not exempt. God didn't spare His own Son from hardship and suffering. Why act like all this that is happening to us is something strange? 

 

One thing we do know is that we don't suffer as the rest of the world suffers. For those in Christ, there is always hope and the assurance that it will all work out for good (Romans 8:28). The devil prowls around us like he prowled around Christ; waiting for "opportune times". He doesn't attack us any less because we are believers. He will attacks us just as much if not more. Yes, we keep our armor on and pray continually to rebuke evil and demolish strongholds (Ephesians 6:10-18, 2 Corinthians 10:4, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Yes, we have the same power in us that raised Christ from the grave (Ephesians 1:19-20). Yes, He is able (Ephesians 3:20). Yes, He heals and does the impossible (Isaiah 53:5, Matthew 19:26, Mark 10:27, Luke 18:27). However, that doesn't mean we are bulletproof. Satan will never stop coming at us. We still live in a fallen world and bad things do happen to "good" people. Though no one is truly "good"; even Christ said "why do you call me 'good'?" Remember, He who has overcome all things STILL had to suffer and go through the perils of all the evil that was done to Him...even though He could have stopped it (but then the scriptures could not have been fulfilled). If anyone didn't "deserve" the persecution, trials, and sufferings, it was Jesus. Yet, He didn't rescue Himself. He even rebuked a well-meaning Peter for saying that suffering and death shouldn't happen to Him. Jesus saw that the real enemy wasn't Peter, but satan (because we war not against flesh and blood). He addressed and rebuked the true enemy in that moment. Satan's only goal is to steal, kill, and destroy, but the Father's goal is to accomplish a greater purpose through all we walk through. It's especially true when we persevere and mature through much suffering; building our character and lacking nothing after suffering "a little while" (Romans 5:3-6, 1 Peter 5:10, James 1:2-4). "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:11.

 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Tonight's Friday Worship Night blessed me even more as Jeremy emphasized the wonderful grace that we get to walk in; the undeserved mercy and forgiveness that we do not (and could never) earn. Jesus paid it all. That's the Good News and always will be the Good News even when we get bad news (and there has been a lot of bad news lately; PLEASE pray and contend hard for the healing of my friend, Melissa Coy and the family of a former schoolmate of mine who is grieving the loss of her and her son in a tragic accident). Keep praising Him from whatever broken place you're in. He will restore you! God bless you!

The Abiding Place

Tomorrow, my husband is scheduled for a "final" interview at 10 AM. The definition of "final" wasn't clarified. We don't know if that means, "Last interview and then you're definitely hired" or "last interview and then we'll get back to you." As I mentioned a few days ago, it will be 9 months on the 9th that he has been without a job. In my mind, I think it would be fitting to get the "final" decision on Friday and have a new job be "birthed"; but God can do whatever He wants (and He will!) lol.

Weary are we of the endless cycle of interviews, waiting, ghostings, and rejections. My trust is in the faithfulness and goodness of God to provide (and He does and has all this time). In fact, in thinking about how tomorrow is May 7th (5/7), that syncs up with a few really good verses: 

For we live by faith, not by sight.  -  2 Corinthians 5:7

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? - Galatians 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7

Recently, I was thinking/feeling like things were so dark. I reminded myself that Jesus is there and is the light. I'm not wandering around blind; He holds me by my right hand (Isaiah 41:13). I thought, "Maybe it's only dark because I haven't opened my eyes. What do I need to open my eyes to so I can see?" I always get concerned that I'm missing something. I pray and ask all the time for an open mind, heart, ears, and eyes. I ask for wisdom, clarity, and revelation. The silence is deafening, but I get peace over and over again as I remember all the verses that continue to come up. I think about how my word this year is "abide" and even though that's hard, there is such a strength and anchoring to that word. I can walk by faith and not by sight because I know who holds my hand and leads. I'll run the good race and I won't let anything cut in, discourage me, or make me give up on the truth of God's promises. I'll give Him every care because He cares for me. 

Friends, I'm asking you to pray with me as we go into tomorrow's "final"! I'm just going to have to pray more diligently in the Spirit because I don't know what to pray anymore (Romans 8:26, Ephesians 6:18). I don't want doubts and past disappointments to strip my prayers of effectiveness. Prayers not prayed in faith fall flat (James 1:6). I trust the Spirit to pray and ask for the right things, so that will be my main focus. What do I know about the "right" job? Only He knows if this is the right one or not or if there is something "else" in mind; the "else" that I do not know, see, and have no idea about. 

I'm just in the "abiding" place; trying to bear "the weight as I wait". I'm abiding in who He is; and He is IN me and WITH me. That one thing is enough. It's the "work" of God to believe in the One He has sent (John 6:29). When I don't know what to "do", I just do the one thing: believe. I stay. I abide. That "works". When the Father just tells you "stay here...wait a minute", that minute can be a really long one; for us, not for Him. He is not bound by time like we are; and oh how slowly that time seems to pass. Wait and wait like an impatient toddler. But the Father's commands are good and when He says something, you can bank on it. 

"Abba, how long are you going to make me wait here?" Funny, isn't it? All the while He is working, but He has never turned His back and never left (Joshua 1:5). He's doing it all at the same time; doing all the behind the scenes things AND waiting WITH you while He is doing it. God is God. When He brings whatever it is I've been waiting for, it will be immeasurably more than what I have been able to ask for or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). I want to be right where He put me when it's time to say, "Here it is, my child. It's ready." Maybe that's when my eyes will be open to see as I hold my hands and hold the surprise He just placed in my waiting palms. What's more frustrating than being a parent and not having your kid ready when it's time lol? It's not like HE doesn't know, but what a patient Shepherd He is with these sheepish children of His. To Adam, "Where are you?" (Genesis 3:9). "What are you doing here, Elijah?" (1 Kings 19:9). To Peter, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:31). "Melissa, didn't I tell you that you are worth more than many sparrows?" (Matthew 10:31, Luke 12:7). When the time is right (both in the now and in the ultimate end of time), are we going to be where He put us when He wants to give us what we've waited for? Position me where you want to, Lord. I want to be right where I'm supposed to be. I want to obey your instructions; even if it's hard, I don't understand, and the wait is long. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Thank you for your support and prayers! The one good thing of many in this season is all the wonderful things I've been able to create/post/share. The things He speaks to me to help me through all this frustration, pain, and grief is hopefully a help to others as well. Keep abiding! The new wine and wine-skins will come! God bless you all!

What Are You Doing Here?

I saw it coming. Something felt off. My spirit knew that something wasn't right. I had the sense that I needed to be vigilant and prepared; that my shield of faith needed to be up because a fiery dart was coming. Then, it happened. Reckless wounding words came spilling out of the mouth of someone that was supposed to be a safe and trusted believer in Christ. I knew the enemy was prowling around like a lion trying to devour me. I knew that Satan wanted to use these words to attack my identity and cause fear and doubt in my mind. I saw it for what it was; it was a struggle not against flesh and blood, but of demonic forces that were attempting to use this person as a vessel to wound me. I didn't want it to take root in me. I knew the words were a lie; an expertly worded phrase that Satan knew would shatter my core if I allowed it. Of all the things I had worked so hard to overcome in my lifetime, these words carried the weight of a former version of myself; hitting at a known weak spot of insecurity that the devil continually tries to use to re-enslave me. Even with that shield of faith up, it still hit hard. I fought back with the sword of the Spirit. Just like Jesus declared, "It is written",  I boldly asserted to this person, "No, I do not receive this. This is not who I am. I am defined by Christ and I am a new creation." This weapon formed against me would not prosper and I would stand against this accusation/condemnation and be vindicated by the Lord (Isaiah 54:17)!

When I declared the truth of God's Word, I felt relief. I felt the power of God's truth silencing the lie in that moment. The discussion continued as I questioned this person as to why, especially knowing my current vulnerability and stressors in my life, they would say what they had said. In a way, I knew they "meant well". Though, this wasn't the first time their words/actions had me feeling beaten down and like they had been cunningly crafted by the enemy to inflict damage at a very "opportune time". Even with clarification (and even though I asked them to "take it back", which they did), the words were still echoing a bit like a resounding gong...and I was very aware of its potential to keep doing so. I knew the warfare was probably far from over. At any rate, I didn't want offense and bitterness to be part of it. I know how detrimental that is, so I made sure we parted ways with forgiveness and peace. Things resolved peacefully that day. Though, that is another thing that has been a struggle for me; feeling and believing that things really are "ok". 

I'm thankful for all the ways God has given me the gift of empathy. However, it's a LOT to deal with when you feel emotions so deeply (even the emotions of others). I've improved, but I am still trying to learn how to handle things without it overwhelming my mind and body. I was still feeling shocked, hurt, sad, and angry. The tears kept coming. I prayed and prayed; declaring that the enemy wasn't welcome to set up camp in my mind. I have been listening to the audio book by Louie Giglio, "Don't Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table: It's Time to Win the Battle of Your Mind...." I knew that this was exactly what the devil was trying to do. 

Over the next couple days of prayer, journaling, etc., I continued being intentional about focusing on the truth rather than the lies. Yet, I was still feeling a bit broken and knew I was teetering on the edge of a spiral and a visit to the "swamp of sadness". I prayed that God would give me a timely word of encouragement and affirmation. Just as He has always done before, He sent another person to "undo" the words by giving me new ones. I got an unexpected text from a precious friend of mine who said that when she saw my face, she was "filled with joy" and that I "leave a big impact on people." That, my friends, was God's voice speaking through her. Reckless words may have pierced like a sword, but those wise words brought healing (Proverbs 12:18). Also, like the next verse (19) states: "Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment." (NIV) 

A recent poem I wrote

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for Your enduring and eternal truth! Lies have no substance and will always unravel. That moment has passed, and I no longer live there. I will remember the things You have told me in Your Word and through the blessed words of other believers. Satan doesn't want me to believe that Your Spirit is in me or that Your fruit is there. He doesn't want me to remember that "joy" is one of those things that people experience and that they are impacted for good when they encounter You through me. He only wants to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). His attempt to derail me by showing up in another believer's careless words will not cause my identity to crumble or have me question my gifts and destiny. I know that the devil has been coming at me harder because he can see that my growth and purpose is building up to something. 

I would like to say that this story ends here, but it doesn't. Warfare never stops and we should NEVER take our spiritual armor off! The enemy came at me some more as he attempted to spin other words, thoughts, memories, and situations to make me believe that the initial blow had merit. Even though I knew what was happening, I ended up giving in and allowing myself to attend my own pity party instead. Despite that nudge to stop and reset, I resigned myself to the swamp even more. I was tired of fighting and resisting. It was too much work and I was exhausted with life. Why was I even still here? Why are things like this? Why do people hurt me and treat me the way that they do? Why, why, why.....? Dear God, just take me home to be with you. I don't belong here. Just let me go to sleep and not wake up since I have no right to "go to the wire".

At that, I dozed off on the couch where I was reclining at the time. In those early moments of slumber, God broke through into my mind and reminded me of someone else who had gotten himself stuck in that same thought spiral: Elijah. My eyes shot open and I was jolted awake. God had reset me! I went to 1 Kings 19 and read that chapter. Like Elijah, I had given in to the spirit of fear and it reminded me of how John Ramirez describes it in the book "Destroying Fear: Strategies to Overthrow the Enemy's Tactics and Walk in Total Freedom". He says:

This planted the seed of fear in Elijah, causing him to flee to Horeb. The fear that he allowed to enter his spirit eventually manifested as depression, then oppression and finally even thoughts of suicide.

John Ramirez also brilliantly points out: 

When we are crippled with fear, it crowds out His voice and His truths. When we are free from fear and worry, we are able to walk out our calling and purpose, the one our heavenly Father created us to fulfill. The enemy knows that when we are walking in our calling, we are dangerous to his mission. Therefore, he will do everything he can with the arsenal he has to prevent that from occurring. Fear is his strongest weapon, and he is not afraid to use it.

With these things in mind, I re-read 1 Kings 19 (NIV). Elijah had just had a showdown with the prophets of Baal in the previous chapter. Of course, Satan and his minions don't handle defeat very well. Elijah was a huge ongoing threat to them. They used Jezebel to intimidate him, fill him with fear, and send him packing. After he LEFT his servant in Beersheba, he went into the wilderness. Ah, yes. Typical, isn't it? We reject fellowship and retreat into a wilderness of isolation; which is just what Satan wants. Elijah arrived at his own "swamp of sadness" (or, in his case, under a broom tree) and threw himself a pity party; full of the same kind of thoughts I was having. He also went to sleep. An angel of the Lord woke him up twice so he could eat and keep on going. Though, what REALLY got me was when the Lord asked him TWICE: 

What are you doing here, Elijah? (v. 9 & 13)

Both times, Elijah says:

I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too. (v. 10 & 14) 

Basically, he's complaining about the fact that he's tried to do the right thing for the Lord; even though the rest of the people hadn't and were trying to destroy him like they did with his fellow prophets. He's saying, "I did it right. They're doing it wrong. Woe is me! I'm all alone and everyone is out to get me!" It doesn't seem like he's really answering the Lord's question; which was more for his benefit than God's. The Lord knew what Elijah was doing there; he was giving up and running away because he was afraid. WHAT was Elijah DOING there (versus where he had come from)? He wasn't doing anything but wallowing in self-pity, depression, and fear. He wasn't living out his purpose to which he was called; he was running away from it. That is what God wanted him to realize and why he told Elijah to go back and to anoint Elisha. 

That is also what God wants ME to realize. "What are you doing here, Melissa?" Ugh, yes....what am I doing HERE in the swamp of sadness? Why did I give into fear and self-pity? Why did I run away from where I was supposed to be just to come "here"? It's a waste of time. I was right. I don't belong "here"...in the swamp of sadness. Yes, I belong to Christ (and one day will be with Him) but He is also with me NOW. My purpose is to serve where I'm at and to disciple others like Jesus commanded (Matthew 28:19-20). He's not going to take me out of here while I still have work to do for the Kingdom. I can't allow the enemy to distract me from my purpose and keep me running back to the swamp. I repent, Lord. Forgive me!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I hope that sharing all of this will help you like it helped me. What Satan tried to use against me, God turned around for His good purpose like He always does (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). It's now here on this blog for you (as well as for me whenever I need to re-read it for myself). I will continue renewing my mind with the Word and remembering things I've learned from other great books I've read as well (I highly recommend "Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts" by Jennie Allen, and "Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind" by Joyce Meyer). May we all continue to fight the good fight; keeping our armor on at all times and watching each others' backs as we lift each other up! God bless you!

Sounding Like Love

A couple days ago, the verse of the day in the You Version Bible app was Matthew 5:44. It was very timely. This is because I had just been challenged to pray in that very way the day prior. Though, it was for someone who really wasn't my enemy, but someone who was supposedly on the same side. I don' t know about you, but that seems even harder. For me, it's easier to pray for someone who is rude and hateful when they're unbelievers; rather than those who claim to be a believer. The Pharisees who have "clanging cymbal" attitudes (1 Corinthians 13:1-3) are supposed to "know" better. However, that's just it. They "know" a lot, but how well do they truly "know" HIM? At the same time, however, I very much know what it's like to live in that trap/bondage of legalism, criticism, and judgment. Therefore, I end up reminding myself that I should have MORE compassion when I encounter people that act like a past version of myself (or even a current version when I have moments of regression). I feel embarrassed when I remember my own "clanging cymbal" moments because I know that my "knowing" of Jesus is so much sweeter and deeper than it used to be.  

In another "timely" moment, I realized just how much all of that had been solidified even more. This week, I have finished reading "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom (and also watched the movie and documentary on Prime). I am so struck by so many different things. One of which is how Corrie's sister, Betsie, had a burning heart to evangelize to the Nazis and fellow prisoners; even in the midst of her own suffering. She believed that if someone could be taught to hate, they could also be taught to love. She, Corrie, and their family lived lives that truly sought to imitate Christ. It makes Paul's words really make sense. He talks about being imitators of God; and also of himself as he imitates Christ (Ephesians 5:1, 1 Corinthians 11:1). The Ten Boom family are real life examples of people who did this well. It inspires me to love genuinely; because it's vitally important if we are going to demonstrate the life-changing power of the Gospel and how His love transforms and saves us.

In the past two Sundays at church, the focus has been on the fruit of the Spirit. I want to produce good fruit; and the fruit of the Spirit is something that only Christ can produce. My word, "abide", is key to that production; because my sinful flesh can produce no good thing. So, I prayed for this person (and myself) that the fruit of the Spirit would be what grows in our hearts. I prayed for the ability to love and see the person as Jesus sees them; remembering that I too have been a blind Pharisee and not known it. Even still, I know how easy that trap is and know human pride never makes me immune and guiltless of it. This is why we need to forgive as we have been forgiven and remember that the measure we use is also measured to us as well (Luke 6:36-38). We can deceive ourselves like the rich young ruler with all the rules and good deeds, but there are ALWAYS going to be areas where we are lacking. For that, it requires honesty, surrender, repentance, and obedience to the will of Christ. 

I must choose to overcome evil with good and be kind; for love covers a multitude of sins. I must be a better imitation of the One to which I'm committed to conforming to. People MUST see more of Him and less of myself (John 3:30). I cannot allow the light in me to actually be darkness (Matthew 6:23). I don't want to just make a bunch of noise. I want to be a sweet, melodious, and beautiful sound! That can only happen if I'm filled and fueled by the love of Jesus. I want to be defined by what love is in 1 Corinthians 13; not by what it isn't.

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Pray, surrender, repent, and abide. May we be transformed every day by the renewing of our minds so we can love like Jesus. God bless you!

My Word for 2025: Abide

In my previous post, I shared about how I had grown in hope (which was my word for 2024) and persevered through a very difficult second half of the year. But, even then, I had no idea that just two days later, I'd be hit hard again. In the early morning hours of December 31st, I was hit with the most horrendous sickness I've had in a long time. Norovirus got a hold of me and I had to stay home (and in the bathroom) almost constantly. When I wasn't on the porcelain throne, and heaving into a bowl at the same time, I was attempting to rest and stay hydrated (which was very difficult; especially with the fever and body aches). I was a good deal better on New Year's Day, but I had slept through midnight and well into the day. Not exactly the ideal picture of getting started fresh in the new year. I felt like I had crawled my way across the finish line of 2024 and dragged myself into 2025. Yet, I am so extremely thankful! I'm here! I made it! Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!

As usual, I started seeking my new word for the coming year. On the day after Christmas, I began praying and asking for it to be revealed. The very first thing that came to my mind was the song "Oceans". So, I started listening to it to see what stood out. I felt drenched with peace and assurance as I worshiped and wept. The the words "deep" and "trust" seemed to rise up within me. I thought that maybe, my word was going to be "deeper", and I was prepared and very happy to embrace it. I want more of Him; always. I do want to grow and go deeper. The sweet friendship, fellowship, and intimacy I have with Jesus becomes more rich and precious with each passing year of life that He gives me. 

I continued to pray over the next several days; keeping my spiritual senses open to receive and discern. I noticed that I kept seeing John 15:5 (one of my favorite verses) appear in various places. It caused me to consider that maybe my word would be "abide" or maybe "abide deeper" or something like that. I like to look up numbers that pop up in my daily happenings too; seeing if they correspond with a Bible verse or concordance entry that resonates with my spirit. I visited room number 4116 when I needed to see a family member in the hospital recently. Though, nothing I looked up seemed to really stand out. It wasn't until I noticed that "abide" in John 15:5 is the same word in 1 John 4:16 (technically, it's "abiding"). That seemed to really resonate in my spirit, but of course I asked for more confirmation. I continued to pray and long for more of His comfort and presence, there were two songs that came to mind: MercyMe's "Here With Me" and Newsboys "Presence (My Heart's Desire)". 

As I worshiped and bawled once again, I felt the peace, joy, and comfort come as the words of that second song welled up within me: 

Oh Father, come and let Your spirit abide
I long for Your presence
This is my heart's desire

I knew I probably had my word now. However, I asked for more clarity; just in case I had manufactured it in any way. As usual, I just wanted to be more sure. God is so gracious. He answers the seeking heart. Much like with previous words, He usually gives me a VERY obvious (and humorous) sign that it's for real. Other than the song, I don't know that I really said the word out loud in a way that Facebook "heard" me, but in any case, it showed up when I was scrolling again. This time, it was in a very convenient ad for a Christian T-shirt. When I saw it, I pretty much saw Will Smith in my mind presenting it like this lol. "Alright, alright....there's my word!" Facebook got me good....because I actually did end up buying the shirt (and the site offered a "mystery shirt" for 50% off that I was too curious to say "no" to, so we'll see what other shirt ends up coming with it!). The ad also continued to show up in my feed repeatedly; reminding me to finally get around to writing this blog post.  

Now, I'm just enjoying my new word. We probably don't hear it as much as we used to (unless you're my husband and you like to say "the dude abides" because of that ridiculous movie). The first time I recall hearing the word was in the hymn "Abide With Me". As with most hymns I grew up on, it makes me think of my Grandmother singing it as I stood beside her in the church pew. When you "abide" you stay, remain, dwell, and endure. "Abide" is a strong word; a "deep" word, for sure. It's steadfast, certain, and secure. The hymn itself conveys the kind of "abide" that says, "Lord, STAY with me. Don't leave me." Indeed. He will. He will never leave or forsake us; He is with us ALWAYS (Deuteronomy 31:6, Matthew 28:20). Though, we hardly have to beg God to be faithful to stay with us. WE are the ones that need to learn how to "abide". He'll stay with us, but we need to learn to stay with HIM; abiding and remaining in Him and His love. I am very much comforted by the fact that the only "dude" that I need to be concerned about "abiding" is my friend, Jesus. He's always going to be there and He always has been. I pray that I will be faithful to abide as well; staying firm to the end. 

As I contemplate my word for this year, it makes me wonder what all it will apply to beyond just the spiritual sense. Something that has been spoken over me a lot in recent years has been that I'm 'right where I'm supposed to be'. Some changes happen and you have no say in it, but there are other times where you pray and wonder if it's time to make a voluntary change in one area or another. So, it has me thinking if this is another way of telling me that I need to "abide" where I'm at; that it's still not the right time to change things up. I won't go into all the various rabbit holes here, but many know that the obvious one is regarding my job. I have enjoyed many years of working with the best team ever, but that is going to change this Summer when my bosses retire. The rest of us who remain have been waiting and wondering about whether we should "abide" or not; or if the absence of these two wonderful people (who are like parents to me) is going to be too much to handle without them. I keep saying that I won't move unless God tells me to, but a big part of me really longs to go when they go for so many reasons. Yet, the idea of leaving is also almost unfathomable as well. There are just too many pros and cons to sort through. If the Lord really wants me to stay and continue to "abide" at my job of 10 years, I will. But, if "abide" doesn't apply to this situation, I'll also step into whatever it is He has in store for me. A big part of me has been feeling like my time there is winding down and that I have learned and grown in the ways I've needed to and that the Lord is about to use all of those lessons to start something completely new in my life that I'll finally be ready for. I don't know for sure. 

The one thing that I DO know is that I want to keep growing. I want to be FRUITFUL and that comes from abiding. Pastor Roy's message today was just too perfect! He started talking about the fruit of the Spirit; which is one of my favorite things to study. It made me so happy because it only amplifies this beautiful word that the Lord gave me and makes me all the more eager to meditate on it and grow! 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I pray that we will all have a blessed 2025! I believe we have a lot to look forward to! Give Him 15 has also been very encouraging and has resonated with my spirit a lot (Dutch has been talking about revival and reformation intensifying). Keep praying, persevering, and abiding in Christ! God bless you!