Remembering Grandma

Today, our family and friends said good-bye to Kate (Grandma) Sauers. As much as we miss her, and already feel the void, we are happy that she is home with Jesus.

Grandma's brothers, Jim & Jerry, shared a few words at the funeral. Uncle Jim made a point of strongly emphasizing her faith and the fact that she was a prayer warrior. My Grandma, and her siblings, had gotten this trait from their mother; my great-grandmother, Marie Zerkel. Faith is the strongest thread our family has. It's what binds us together and makes us all as caring and close as we are!

Uncle Jerry shared with us a few stories of Grandma; many of which were humorous and showed everyone a side of her that we sometimes forget. He made us all laugh when he joked about her lead foot and how she must be a distant relative of a race car driver. He also mentioned her love of sports; particularly IU and Notre Dame. It immediately reminded me of the time my Dad, brother, and I were in the beauty shop where she cut hair and we were all watching the Colts game. We were glued to the TV and she had paused with her comb and shears that she had been using to cut my brother's hair. The Colts either made a touchdown or did something really awesome, because I remember Grandma throwing up her arms and yelling "YAAAAHOOOO!!" It totally shocked me and makes me smile/laugh even still! She was rather excited and animated lol!

I also shared from my heart as well. Here is what I read:

It hasn't even been a week since Grandma went home. Yet, it already feels like the whole world has changed now that she's not in it. Everything about her was so unlike anyone else. She always made everything better and as close to perfect as possible. Even yesterday, I was looking at all the food that had been carried in for us to eat. I thought about what Grandma might have made and how we all would have praised her for how tasty it was. No one makes food like Grandma. Everything she made was delicious; even if she insisted that it was somehow flawed. She was a perfectionist, and no matter how perfect her work always was to us (or how much she went above and beyond to make it that way) she always made a point of telling us how she could have made it even better. She always had those interesting cooking tips and tricks. Though, as the saying goes, she was often imitated but never duplicated. It doesn't matter how well you can follow Grandma's way; it's never going to be as perfect as when she did it.

Food wasn't the only thing she had tips for. I remember watching her pack a suitcase. She handled each item with care and was placing tissue paper in-between everything. She told me this was to keep the clothes from wrinkling. She always did things I would never have thought to do and they all seemed to be such smart and sensible ideas for making the most of things and saving time. I told her that she needed to write a book for me that was filled with little things like that; as well as her recipes and special things that she did that I would never think to do on my own. Of course, she always downplayed these things as not being all that special. Maybe she didn't really get that the bigger picture was that we wanted to keep all those tiny little details (that she paid so much attention to) going on for as long as possible.

Extending her memory is as important to us as it was for her to extend the life out of everything. There wasn't much that she didn't save for a later use or for a keepsake. After all, how would she make a instrument case for my flute if she hadn't saved the extra material that she had leftover from making my peach bridesmaid's dress for my Dad's wedding? While all my other fellow flutists were buying flute cases from a gal that was selling them, Grandma was making me one that was unlike any of theirs. It was denim; and the lining inside was that peach satin. Of course, Grandma added "extras." She added a star on the outside, as well as a pocket, and my initials were in gold glitter. Priceless! Of course, that was always Grandma's way; from hems to haircuts, she could do it all! She was always there to make, mend, and create things; for special events, or just because. Whether it's a dress, blanket, curtains, birthday cakes, or whatever else that needed taken care of, she was there to make sure it got made or fixed.

It seemed like a cruel thing to happen that after all those years of lending her faithful and helping hands, one was taken away from her. I can't imagine how discouraging it must have been to not be able to use your hands for all the things you used to do; including all the simple every-day things that we take for granted. Yet, I don't think any of us heard her complain about it much. She persevered with her faith and always had an incredible will to survive. No matter what challenges she faced in life (even at the very end) she never gave up. She wanted to keep being there for everyone the way she always had; no matter how much she had slowed down. Though, I suppose that was what it took for her to finally take a break and let us do for HER for a change. Although we could never repay her for everything she has done for us, we were always more than willing to try. Even now, she continues to give so much to us as we remember everything that made her who she was and how all of it flowed from her heart of faith. Her faith gave life to her and she shared that life with us. Our reward is the fruits of her labor and the impact that she will forever have on us; as well as the bonus of being with her again if we cling fast to the faith that she so cherished. She is now receiving her reward in heaven right now; where everything is new, perfect, and lasts forever. I can only imagine how she might object to not doing enough, just as Jesus would be assuring her that she did. Can't you just hear him say, "Kate, your work was done unto me. Therefore, it was perfect. It's absolutely good enough and the results will last forever. Now, you can finally rest after a life well spent. Well done, good and faithful servant. Welcome home!"

We miss you, Grandma!! We hope you're enjoying heaven! No one will ever be able to take your place here, but we'll do our best to carry on in your absence. We love you and thank you for all you have done and all that you are! You have fully blessed us with a multitude of beautiful memories and remembrances. You have left your mark on all of us, and the world! You'll never be forgotten! Amen.

These memories are only but a few of the MANY I have of her; both growing up and in recent years. My more recent ones are of how she thought to give me birthday money back in July (and particularly since it was my 30th, she wanted to make sure she did something). As always, she was thinking of others rather than herself. There she was, taking the time to think of me and sacrificially give me something when she was so under the weather. I used that money when I went down to Indy for Sarah's bachelorette party and we all got pedicures. In fact, that nail polish is still on my toes almost two months later. Yes, it's chipping and some of it is barely there....but I think of her when I see those purple sparkles and I just don't want to take it off yet. At the very least, I think I'll have to find that same OPI nail polish so that I can redo them often and think of her every time.

My other really fresh memory is of her helping me out so much with the kids (particularly Gianna) when the kids and I moved back home two years ago. Gianna started pre-school, and Grandma helped pick her up during the times my Dad or I were still at work and couldn't make it. I always hated to ask, but she was always more than willing. She always said how much she enjoyed picking up Gianna and that she loved having that time with her. Of course, Gianna somehow managed to get Grandma to buy her milkshakes from McDonald's, but it made Grandma all too happy to spoil her little sweetie with a treat. It made me think of all the times she took us grand-kids through the drive-thru for a happy meal or some kind of special treat. Yep, if Grandma wasn't making us some of her yummy food, she was giving us our next favorite: fast food!

Grandma was always spoiling us! She never thought she did all that much for us, but she did! I remember how she told me about an occasion where she bought new shoes for my cousin, Veronica, because hers were so worn out. Her sister, Valerie, wanted new shoes too. Grandma told her that hers were still good and that she really didn't need any. However, those tearful, pleading, Precious Moment eyes of  hers melted Grandma's heart easily and little Ta-Ta got some new shoes too. ;) I believe Grandma also bought me a pair of shoes too after my Mom, brother and I had to stay with her a while when our house was being de-fumigated (skunk got in the crawl space. It was horrible lol!). Not only did she get me new shoes (since my other pair had absorbed some of the smell) but she laundered so much of our things and picked me up from school (despite my mother telling me not to call Grandma to come and get me) when I discovered that yet something else I was wearing wasn't quite free from the smell. Someone would notice it during first period study hall (but thankfully, no one ever knew it was me or I would have never lived it down lol!) and I would quietly find a way to say I was sick, excuse myself, and go to the office to call Grandma to rescue me lol! 

As kind and generous as Grandma was, my cousins and I also knew that Grandma's wrath wasn't something you ever wanted lol. We often laugh about how she would get after us for being too rowdy in the basement, or disobeying safety orders by climbing the trees or wandering through the corn fields. As much as Grandma loved us, she wasn't opposed to getting out the yardstick if we really pressed our luck! I remember how Veronica and I unrolled a bunch of toilet paper once. We got caught, yelled at, and watched as Grandma carefully rolled it back up so it wouldn't be wasted lol. I also remember how she nursed my bloody nose after my cousin Katie took a toy vehicle and hit me with it (to which Grandma yelled, "Wayne, take her to bed!" I'm sorry, Katie, but I will never be able to forget how you were kicking and crying in mid-air as Grandpa held you by the arms out in front of him lol!). Grandma told me the correct way to make it stop was by pinching and holding my head down. I had always held it back, but despite my objections and skepticism, we did it Grandma's way (and of course, it worked much better).

She also wasn't afraid to get after Grandpa. We all know how ornery HE is! ;) I'm sure this will be one of the odd things that we (and Grandpa) will miss quite a bit. Who can forget how she would roll her eyes at him, or get after him for being goofy?! One of my favorite phrases was, "Wayne, cut that out!" Grandpa and Grandma may have acted like Frank and Marie Barone from "Everybody Loves Raymond" sometimes, but we all know they care about each other deep down. They have been together over 60 years and poor Grandpa is taking the loss much harder than any of us ever thought he would. Please, keep him in your prayers (and that he will finally see to it that he will welcome Christ into his heart so that he can be with Grandma like he wishes).

I still have many more memories that I would love to share, but I'll stop. Feel free to comment and add your own stories if you'd like! If there's one thing Grandma did best, it was smiling and laughing (ohmigosh, I'm soooo going to miss that big smile and that special laugh of hers!). She always made me laugh; especially when she would squeeze my knee as a kid and make me giggle. "There's that wooden leg!" She would say lol. Anyways, you know how much Grandma loved sharing stories; and sharing every detail...right down to the year, day, and even day of the week (and sometimes the hour) that it happened lol!! God bless you all as we remember Grandma! Thank you for your love and prayers!! 

Remember Me Not?

One's memory is a very complex and precious gift. Over a lifetime, we store away so many different memories and experiences that make us who we are. Some of them are memories that we want to cherish forever and never forget. They are the moments that made us say, "I wish this would never end." Then, there are the memories we would rather not remember. They are the memories that are connected with some kind of negative experience that is laced with sadness, pain, humiliation, or something with an unpleasant undertone.

Have you ever wished you could forget (or even completely erase) a memory; maybe even a cluster of them? Have you ever wished that your recollection of an event, or a person, could totally vanish from your mind? I know I have! I doubt there is a single person out there that hasn't felt that way at one time or another. We all have people and things that we would like to forget. Wiping out the memories would mean wiping out whatever pain was caused.

That is the concept behind the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." Joel and Clementine (played by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) have apparently had a rough relationship. Clementine elects to have her memories of Joel erased. When he finds out about this, he elects to do the same. However, in his dream-like state during the procedure, he decides he doesn't want to let her go. He realizes that his decision was a hasty mistake and that even though it may hurt to deal with the memories, there are a lot of things he doesn't want to forget. Whether they were good or bad memories, they impacted him in some way that helped shape his life for the better. So, he tries everything he can to thwart the process and preserve what he can before the memories are gone.

Even though the procedure apparently worked on both of them, there seems to be a mysterious void that they can't explain. I suppose that that feeling of awkwardness and uncertainty would be maddening. I think we all have those moments where we feel like we should remember something or someone and can't. It's a very odd feeling when you feel like there is some kind of missing piece, but you don't know what it is. It's even worse if it's staring you in the face and you don't realize it (or realize it too late).

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, so I won't delve into it any further. All I will say is that you simply HAVE TO watch this movie! It's amazing, deep, thought provoking, and has a few surprises in it! It definitely has a lot of food for thought!

The thoughts I'm chewing on are probably the things that most people will be thinking to themselves after watching it. If erasing memories were a possibility, would I want to do it? Who or what would I want to erase? Is it even a wise idea in the first place? Who would I be and how would I be different if I did? I'll bet it would cause more problems than the ones I would think I was getting rid of (or hoping to avoid).

Wouldn't it be frustrating to not remember what made you who you are? It's hard enough to understand why we think, feel, and act the way we do. Imagine how much harder it would be to figure yourself out if you were missing some discarded pieces that would have given you insight into what molded you into who you are now!

It all boils down to pain. That's the only reason someone would want to forget something is because of heartache. Yet, forgetting or erasing something doesn't mean that it never happened. History can never be blotted out or rewritten. It happened. Period. And what is the purpose of history; any kind of history? It's to learn from it. More often than not, the hardest (but most valuable) lessons were the ones that came with a lot of pain. Was it unpleasant? Sure. Will it be worth it? Always. Even as I write that, I feel that I am lecturing myself. These past couple of years have been the most painful ones of my life and every day that I wake up, I have to remember that it's all real and that no amount of sleep can erase it. The reality of things plays out in my dreams at night sometimes. The sad part is, one can't just dismiss it as "just a dream" when it's just as real when you wake up. It's terrible when you feel that you can't escape a nightmare. Though, even if I could be like Joel or Clementine, it wouldn't change anything. My life would still be how it is, even if I couldn't remember how I got to this point. The only difference would be not remembering WHY I felt the way I felt; and it still wouldn't change anything in my personal history. The other downside would be the inability to learn from my experiences; both triumphs and failures. It would likely impair my ability to make better choices in the future and lead me to repeating my mistakes, creating fresh pain and regrets, and wishing I could erase all of that too.

The two verses that jumped out in my mind as I soaked in everything from the movie were these:

Jesus told them another parable: The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.  The owner’s servants came to him and said, "Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?" "An enemy did this," he replied. The servants asked him, "Do you want us to go and pull them up?" "No," he answered, "because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn." - Matthew 13:24-30

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

In our lives, there are going to be lots of weeds. It's unavoidable; whether the weeds appear on their own, or they have extra "help" from an enemy. However, there is good seed as well. If we focus on the weeds, we are going to uproot the wheat. There's a silver lining to every cloud, right? A bad apple doesn't have to spoil the whole bunch. You don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water. Is this one old saying too many? Ever stop to think why there are old sayings (and why they continue on)? It's because someone somewhere learned a good lesson; and that lesson is being passed on. If we are wise, we'll learn from our mistakes; as well as the mistakes of others. THAT'S how we'll avoid the pain that we'll later wish we could forget!

NEVER FORGET that everything works out for good. That's His promise. There is a purpose that we have all been called to. The weeds and the wheat will both be there throughout our journey. Gleam what grain you can and don't let the weeds get you down. Don't dwell on them; toss them out when the time comes and feast on the harvest of good things! Grace and peace to all of you!!

The Depth Behind "Rolling in the Deep"

"Rolling in the Deep" is probably Adele's most popular and well-known song; as well as popular and well-known in general. Most can probably sing and recite the lyrics easily. Whether it's because people connect with it (or simply because they've heard it so much) there are many reasons why it's as beloved as it is. Though, like many songs, many probably sing it without really considering the depth or the weight of the words. 

Adele's music and lyrics have always resonated strongly with me. I ponder the meaning behind each song and relate to each one in some way. The songs she writes are the result of the experiences she has had (most of them involving tragedy in a relationship). It's no mystery as to why I can personalize her songs in a way that fits my own unique circumstances. "Rolling in the Deep" is one that I have heard and sung countless times. Though, I have some fresh insight and understanding into the words. 

Like everyone else, I have seen my share of loss in relationships; whether we're talking friendships or romantic connections. Each loss has varied in degree. Some were no big deal while others were absolutely unbearable (and haunt me even still). Without going into detail, I'll just say that something triggered "Rolling in the Deep" in my mind. I really started thinking about each word and how it did (or didn't) apply to current and past situations. It has been so long since I have bothered to blog anything, but this seemed like some powerful insights that needed to be shared. Someone out there besides me needs to read this: 

"There's a fire starting in my heart; reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark...." This describes the moment where you know there's a fire inside that is reaching it's hottest point to where it's undeniable. It burns so hot and so bright that it brings you out of the dark (denial) you've been in. You wake up and say, "finally I can see you crystal clear." The truth is as clear as day and brings out a lot of those fiery emotions; whether good or bad. There's usually a lot of rage directed at the person who wronged you: "go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare. See how I'll leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do!" The feeling of anger (and sometimes revenge) cries out at the injustices that might have occurred. Betray me and I'll betray you. Take from me and I'll take you down with me; and if you don't think I will, you're underestimating me. 

There are usually many more emotions that follow. There are stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Those stages are clearly evident in the lyrics as she goes from getting out of denial to being angry. Then comes the bargaining and depression as she reflects on the hurt: "The scars of your love remind me of us they keep me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love they leave me breathless I can't help feeling...We could have had it all, rolling in the deep. You had my heart inside of your hand, and you played it to the beat." What once were memories become scars of what was. You can't believe it and it takes your breath away. You play the "what if" game of what was and what could have been. You could have had it all; rolling in the depths of what you shared. Your heart was in their hands and they played you. 

The grief stages continue to cycle and more anger surfaces: "Baby, I have no story to be told; but I heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn! Think of me in the depths of your despair. Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared." Often times, that hurt turns into hate and you long to make a person's "head burn" (or ears burn, as the saying goes). You talk about them to your friends and maybe even gossip and spread rumors. Sometimes, we leave our own role out of it and only focus on what "they" did wrong; and hope with all our hearts that they will hurt a lot more. We hope they're tortured by our memory as we strive not to be tortured by theirs. We shake our fists and say: "You're gonna wish you'd never met me. Tears are gonna fall; rolling in the deep." We may wish we had never met them too, but our hurt has us wishing even more that they regret what they've done because if not, they soon will as we make it miserable for them. May the tears fall as they think about all they had and could have had! 

Then, comes the sort of "acceptance" part: "Throw your soul through every open door. Count your blessings to find what you look for. Turn my sorrow into treasured gold. You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow." This, by far, is the most positive and healing element of the whole process; the anticipated result of the journey of pain. It's the point where you let go and wish them well. You hope that they put their heart into the next "open door" that they come across; counting their blessings in every good and bad experience. Eventually, they'll find what they're looking for (as will you, if you do the same). The sorrow that turns into treasured gold are those precious nuggets of wisdom that you mine from each painful experience. It's not all for nothing. If they (as well as you) can gleam something from all the mess, you realize it is not a waste if you can learn from their (and YOUR) mistakes. You have to sift through a lot of filth to find the gems. Then, you finally realize that the greatest "revenge" doesn't come from creating MORE pain. The "sweeter" revenge is forgiveness and finding peace; and finding out that they have found the same. That's how they "pay you back in kind" if they (and you) have shown remorse for the wrongs committed. The rewards are reaped indeed (Psalm 126:4-6, James 3:18). Consequences will also be reaped should you continue to ignore the gold and sow trouble (Job 4:7-9, Proverbs 22:8, Galatians 6:7-8). 

This song has been such a good lesson and illustration for me; for not only the recent incidence but for past ones as well. Yet, my big heart has always been a double-edged sword. My willingness to give the benefit of the doubt (and see the best in people despite some obvious faults and/or "deal breakers") often blinds me from accepting the reality of who people are. I am no Oprah fan, but this is probably one of the truest things I've ever heard her say: "When people show you who they really are, believe them."  Accept it and then deal with it accordingly. Yes, people can and do change, but it's THEIR choice. The only one you can change and make decisions for is "you." Make a decision to stay away from those that are divisive, toxic, and even dangerous. Sometimes it means saying good-bye when you realize that no matter what you do, they will never do what it takes to make their own right choices and they cause nothing but trouble (Titus 3:9-11). 

We all hope to find those rare and "deep" people that we can count on. Those that truly are, hold them close! Cut out the "shallow" ones from your life and learn to treasure every good and bad experience and turn it into an opportunity! May you all roll in the depths of God's love, wisdom, grace, and forgiveness! Grace and peace to all of you!