Treasured In the Heart and in Heaven!

Have you ever watched "Inside Out"? It's that animated movie where you get an inside look into a little girl's head and you see how her thoughts and feelings work. You even get to see how some moments get turned into special "core memories"; a glowing, radiant ball that is nestled forever into the heart of who she is and shapes who she's going to be. It's an interesting movie because it makes you think about how a person perceives and processes things. 

 

Last Thursday, I was honored and privileged to get to witness this beautiful process when Paige showcased it to us at her student-led conference at school. In her language arts class, she showed us the memoir she was supposed to write. Chris, Casey, Gianna, Julie (Paige's biological mother), and I all gathered around her and her computer so she could show us her memoir and read it to us. When I saw the title, I was a little bit nervous and thought it might be a bit of an awkward moment. However, it wasn't awkward at all (at least not for me). I was very amazed and moved to the point of choking back tears when I read/heard these words:

My memoir is about getting new siblings.
My life lesson is: Not all change is bad.

“Get up, Paige!” called my dad. “We are meeting my girlfriend and her kids today, remember?” Now, those are some words of instant terror. I had already been worrying ALL NIGHT about what I was doing in the morning. I was afraid to see what she was like, what the kids were like, and how nice they were.

When we got to martin’s, we stopped at Starbucks and got some snacks. Then we did some brief shopping. I could see that her kids were very excited to meet me and the girl was very happy that she might have a new sister. They seemed very nice, but H-Y-P-E-R!

Months passed, and my dad finally decided that he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. First, he asked me if I would like having her as a stepmom. I said yes. So he asked her to marry him, and she said yes.

On the day of the wedding everything went as planned, and they said their loooong vows. (Let’s just say there were some VERY profound words!) I had gotten to know Gianna and Casey, my step siblings, pretty well now. Sometimes we would get in fights, which left me feeling languor. Sometimes everything was calm and serene.

In the years after my parents divorced, I definitely had a pessimistic attitude. I had it set in my mind that no matter what, all change was bad. I thought change could never make things better, that life was only going to get worse. I realize now that I was wrong. My siblings have been a blessing in my life. I no longer am alone with nobody to turn to, like reaching out into the darkness to find that I have no hope. My siblings know how it feels to go through a divorce. They are always there when I need them, and I will always be there when they need me.

I was absolutely BURSTING with joy inside! It added a whole new dimension of perspective and emotions to my own core memories of those moments that she described. Not only that, but it created a completely new core memory inside of me that I will never forget and will treasure forever! The whole moment was so affirming and encouraging! It was a tremendous gift from God that I quickly realized was something that could only be described as the treasure in heaven that Jesus describes: 

 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:19-21.

Their first photo together!

The reason Paige's story meant so much to me was because (as anyone from or in a blended family knows well) adjustments are hard and unpredictable. You hope and pray that when your families merge together, everyone will love each other and live happily ever after. You hope that you won't have the complications that came up in the blended family that you grew up in yourself. I won't go into details about all of that, but let's just say it is a relief to know that Paige's perception of our blended family is a good one. I absolutely love the fact that she has Casey and Gianna for her siblings. My favorite part is getting to watch her and Gianna grow up together and be best friends and sisters. I don't have any biological sisters; and the one step-sister I once had was never around. I've always had my brother Ryan, but I've never gotten to experience the sisterhood that others have. It is truly a priceless gift that God has given me with Paige and Gianna; I get to experience sisterhood by observing theirs. I get to witness their games, their fights, their laughter, and their bond every day. It truly thrills me and their connection has been there since day one!

From our "MeliPaige" Day!

The other thing that I adore about this moment is the assurance that Paige loves and accepts me; that she is happy that Chris and I are together and we're her new family. In my heart, I've always loved her as my own, but I've always been concerned that it wouldn't be reciprocated. Everyone knows that things can be tough when it comes to the relationship aspects. In my own experience growing up, I was always afraid that in my effort to love and bond with a new step-parent or step-sibling, it would be upsetting to the other biological parent. I won't go into details, but I'll just say that when a parent or step-parent makes it difficult or confusing for a child to bond with someone (whether intentionally or unintentionally) it causes a lot of problems and takes years to sort out. Sometimes, it leaves a lot of unnecessary wounds and scars to deal with and makes healing very hard; creating other "core memories" that you wish you didn't have. That's why I've always hoped that the family that we have won't have the kind of pain and problems that Chris and I had in the families we grew up in. I've always felt that WE have done a good job. I don't worry about our bonds in this family (as far as what we can personally control in our household). It's what happens when the kids aren't IN this household that can be troubling. I don't want any of the kids to feel the way I did; that they have to hide their life or their emotions from the other parents because the other parent is too uncomfortable. I don't want them to ever feel stuck in the middle, but I know that it happens. I hate it. It hurts me and it hurts them, but we can't can't change or control the feelings and actions of the other parents involved. We can only keep doing our best and assure them that no matter what, there is always going to be safety, love, acceptance, and kindness reigning in our household. We want them to love the other parent and create beautiful memories with them just like they do with us! Our greatest hope is that the other parents encourage the kids to do the same with us so that they have the best childhoods possible and that they have no hurt relationships and rifts with anyone in the future. Doing the opposite is actually pretty self-sabotaging because you end up poisoning the child against yourself in an effort to poison them against someone else. It's really hard on the kids and causes them a lot of confusion and sadness. I hope that there will be a day where parents everywhere will make a better effort to have peace; for the kids' sake. 

Our Family; Est. July 5, 2014

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I have greatly enjoyed sharing this moment with you because this is what life is truly made of! NO ONE can take away this core memory from her (or from me). It cannot be changed. It cannot be bought. It cannot be stolen. It's forever sealed in our hearts and in heaven where no one can alter, taint, sabotage, or take it from us! It's priceless! All the money in the world cannot create the memories and emotions that it gives us; which is great because most of us aren't rich and would have nothing good if these things were dependent on affordability. Thankfully, true riches are definitely made up of the stuff that money can't buy! These treasures are created with love and character. Each and every day, we invest those things in our children and it's obviously having great returns!! :) When our children are old and gray, this will be the stuff that means the most to them; the things that they'll tell their children and grandchildren about. The older I get, the more I hold onto these real treasures. I don't have much of the "stuff" that was bought for me; the clothes, toys, and whatever. All those things were fun at the time, but they're gone. They've been sold in a garage sale, packed away in storage, or thrown away. What I have is, "Remember that one time where Dad said...." or "remember when Ryan did ______ and it was so funny?" It's the quality time, wise words, hugs, kind gestures, and laughter that lasts forever! Doing life together (just as God intended) will give you the kind of hope and joy that Paige so rightly identified as a blessing in her life. May your own lives be overflowing with memories that touch you to your core!! God bless you!

Remember Me Not?

One's memory is a very complex and precious gift. Over a lifetime, we store away so many different memories and experiences that make us who we are. Some of them are memories that we want to cherish forever and never forget. They are the moments that made us say, "I wish this would never end." Then, there are the memories we would rather not remember. They are the memories that are connected with some kind of negative experience that is laced with sadness, pain, humiliation, or something with an unpleasant undertone.

Have you ever wished you could forget (or even completely erase) a memory; maybe even a cluster of them? Have you ever wished that your recollection of an event, or a person, could totally vanish from your mind? I know I have! I doubt there is a single person out there that hasn't felt that way at one time or another. We all have people and things that we would like to forget. Wiping out the memories would mean wiping out whatever pain was caused.

That is the concept behind the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." Joel and Clementine (played by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) have apparently had a rough relationship. Clementine elects to have her memories of Joel erased. When he finds out about this, he elects to do the same. However, in his dream-like state during the procedure, he decides he doesn't want to let her go. He realizes that his decision was a hasty mistake and that even though it may hurt to deal with the memories, there are a lot of things he doesn't want to forget. Whether they were good or bad memories, they impacted him in some way that helped shape his life for the better. So, he tries everything he can to thwart the process and preserve what he can before the memories are gone.

Even though the procedure apparently worked on both of them, there seems to be a mysterious void that they can't explain. I suppose that that feeling of awkwardness and uncertainty would be maddening. I think we all have those moments where we feel like we should remember something or someone and can't. It's a very odd feeling when you feel like there is some kind of missing piece, but you don't know what it is. It's even worse if it's staring you in the face and you don't realize it (or realize it too late).

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, so I won't delve into it any further. All I will say is that you simply HAVE TO watch this movie! It's amazing, deep, thought provoking, and has a few surprises in it! It definitely has a lot of food for thought!

The thoughts I'm chewing on are probably the things that most people will be thinking to themselves after watching it. If erasing memories were a possibility, would I want to do it? Who or what would I want to erase? Is it even a wise idea in the first place? Who would I be and how would I be different if I did? I'll bet it would cause more problems than the ones I would think I was getting rid of (or hoping to avoid).

Wouldn't it be frustrating to not remember what made you who you are? It's hard enough to understand why we think, feel, and act the way we do. Imagine how much harder it would be to figure yourself out if you were missing some discarded pieces that would have given you insight into what molded you into who you are now!

It all boils down to pain. That's the only reason someone would want to forget something is because of heartache. Yet, forgetting or erasing something doesn't mean that it never happened. History can never be blotted out or rewritten. It happened. Period. And what is the purpose of history; any kind of history? It's to learn from it. More often than not, the hardest (but most valuable) lessons were the ones that came with a lot of pain. Was it unpleasant? Sure. Will it be worth it? Always. Even as I write that, I feel that I am lecturing myself. These past couple of years have been the most painful ones of my life and every day that I wake up, I have to remember that it's all real and that no amount of sleep can erase it. The reality of things plays out in my dreams at night sometimes. The sad part is, one can't just dismiss it as "just a dream" when it's just as real when you wake up. It's terrible when you feel that you can't escape a nightmare. Though, even if I could be like Joel or Clementine, it wouldn't change anything. My life would still be how it is, even if I couldn't remember how I got to this point. The only difference would be not remembering WHY I felt the way I felt; and it still wouldn't change anything in my personal history. The other downside would be the inability to learn from my experiences; both triumphs and failures. It would likely impair my ability to make better choices in the future and lead me to repeating my mistakes, creating fresh pain and regrets, and wishing I could erase all of that too.

The two verses that jumped out in my mind as I soaked in everything from the movie were these:

Jesus told them another parable: The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.  The owner’s servants came to him and said, "Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?" "An enemy did this," he replied. The servants asked him, "Do you want us to go and pull them up?" "No," he answered, "because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn." - Matthew 13:24-30

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

In our lives, there are going to be lots of weeds. It's unavoidable; whether the weeds appear on their own, or they have extra "help" from an enemy. However, there is good seed as well. If we focus on the weeds, we are going to uproot the wheat. There's a silver lining to every cloud, right? A bad apple doesn't have to spoil the whole bunch. You don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water. Is this one old saying too many? Ever stop to think why there are old sayings (and why they continue on)? It's because someone somewhere learned a good lesson; and that lesson is being passed on. If we are wise, we'll learn from our mistakes; as well as the mistakes of others. THAT'S how we'll avoid the pain that we'll later wish we could forget!

NEVER FORGET that everything works out for good. That's His promise. There is a purpose that we have all been called to. The weeds and the wheat will both be there throughout our journey. Gleam what grain you can and don't let the weeds get you down. Don't dwell on them; toss them out when the time comes and feast on the harvest of good things! Grace and peace to all of you!!

Squeaky Prayers

It's funny what comes to your mind sometimes. The brain is so full of memories and whether by trigger or pure randomness, sometimes you end up thinking about the darnedest things! Exactly WHY your brain picks and chooses to remember seemingly meaningless things can be a mystery, but it can sometimes be thought provoking and/or entertaining. 

Such is the case with a particular memory of something I would have never considered significant (though it is somewhat humorous) that comes to my mind every now and then quite randomly. Maybe I remember it because it sort of turned into a running joke (and if you know me, you KNOW how I love running jokes - and I usually don't forget those!). At the time, though, it really wasn't supposed to be funny because it involves a prayer request. 

Let me set the stage for you. It's in my home town and in my home church. It was during "Kid's Klub"; which was a weekly after-school VBS type of thing. We had a time where we all got together for prayer. We always took requests and, of course, you sometimes heard some very sweet and innocent requests for things that you tried not to snicker about. It was hard not to laugh when some of the younger kids would ask for prayer about something you might think was silly (or when an older kid made a strange and inappropriate prayer request for someone or something that didn't exist - and everyone knew it except the adult in charge and couldn't figure out why we were trying not to laugh). 

Imagine, then, a sweet little girl who had apparently lost her cat. I can't remember her name, but when called upon to share her request, it was: "that Squeaker comes back." She was always dead serious about it too! So, we prayed for Squeaker to come back....over and over again....week after week...for a long time! Eventually, enough time had passed that it became obvious that Squeaker probably wasn't coming back. Yet, this little girl (or some other little kid that knew Squeaker) would bring it up. In fact, I know there were several of us that were always just WAITING for her or someone to make that request! It almost didn't seem like prayer time without it! Yet, we would always try hard not to laugh as we would whisper to each other, "It's pretty obvious Squeaker isn't going to come back!" or something a little more harsh like, "Squeaker is probably dead!". You can see, then, where I'm getting at with the running joke! Squeaker finally quit being brought up as a legitimate prayer request, but every now and then, just for laughs, one of us couldn't resist saying it (but could never request it without laughing a little). I commend Karen and the other adults for not kicking some of us out. Well, actually, I think they did eventually; us older kids anyways. Sometimes, we just couldn't refrain from being obnoxious.....yes, including me - I'm sorry to admit! Oh yes, I'm sure you're shocked (well, some of you might be lol). Anyways, that's another story! ;) 

I guess, for some reason, I am intrigued by Squeaker; the cat I never knew but that became so infamous! Clearly, he was a special cat or he wouldn't have been missed and prayed for so much. To my knowledge, he never did "come back" and I don't think anyone knows what fate befell poor Squeaker (but if any of you do, please let me know!). There are just so many unanswered questions, isn't there? 

Squeaker remains that strange and funny memory that sometimes gets me to thinking about other "squeakers". All of us have had prayers that have seemingly gone unanswered; whether they were "big" prayers or "little" prayers that maybe we thought didn't matter much. We pray for our "squeakers" and that our prayers will be answered in the way that we want. Yet, it doesn't always work that way. The free-wills of others, and God's will, are in the mix too and so things don't always work in concordance with our own will. Perhaps our "squeakers" don't want to come back; or maybe they can't/shouldn't. Maybe we need to let go of them. Maybe there's a good reason why we don't get an answer (or maybe we do but it's not the answer we had hoped for). It's complicated. Though, we are assured that God will work it all out for good (Romans 8:28) and that His ways are better and higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9). 

This is the first time in a while that I felt strongly about posting a blog like this. As you may have noticed, I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. However, I felt that this was something I had to share. God meant this blog for someone. In fact, it's probably more for me than anything. For a while, I have felt that my prayers (in what I feel is my pathetic prayer life anyways) have all been "squeaker" prayers. I'm having a hard time seeing answers and I often wonder if there ever comes a time where you stop bringing up certain things and just let them go. Yet, we are told to be persistent in prayer. I can't help but wonder, however, if God ever chuckles at some of my prayers the way we laughed about Squeaker. Though, I'm sure the only thing God laughs at is the fact that we would think that anything is too big or small for Him for us to mention. He's Lord of it all; and He cares SO DEEPLY (1 Peter 5:7). No matter how many times we mention the same people, things, or situations, He doesn't tire of listening to us. I think we just get tired of praying and the waiting that follows (guilty here!). There is so much uncertainty because we aren't in control and so we desperately want a resolution and so we ask for those prayers to "come back" to us; to be answered the way we think they should. How often, however, do we truly know what we are asking for? He knows us better than we know ourselves! Dear Jesus, help us to trust you!

Here's one prayer that I hope isn't a "squeaker" one and that is: I pray that our desire (particularly my own) comes back; our desire to keep praying no matter what. To P.U.S.H.: "Pray until something happens" (whatever "happens" looks like). I hope and pray that the nagging doubts of the enemy that say our prayers are nothing but a squeak in God's ear would be gone in Jesus name! Satan loves being able to convince us that praying doesn't matter and that God doesn't hear us and is tired of listening - but that's not true! He delights in us (Psalm 149:4), but even Jesus knew that it wasn't about having it our own way but God's (Matthew 26:39). HIS way should be our delight (Psalm 119:174). If it is, we are sure to see the desires of our heart granted (Psalm 37:4). 

Grace and peace to all of you!! God bless you all as you continue to pray! Remember, nothing is too big or too small for God! If he cares about every sparrow (and Squeaker) how much MORE does He care for you?! Much. VERY much (Matthew 10:28-31)!!