Finding Answers in the Wilderness

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; 
to search out a matter is the glory of kings. 
- Proverbs 25:2

"Did you find everything alright?" That's usually the question asked when you're checking out at a store and the associate is politely trying to make sure you have gotten everything you've come for. Usually, a person's answer is "yes," right? We go into a store with a list or a particular item in mind; and we don't leave until we have gotten what we've come for. Most of the time, we know where something is. We seek and find it right away. Other times, we're looking for something special that we wouldn't typically search for. It may take us longer to find it, but we're on a mission! Even if we don't find it at one store, we keep looking until we finally complete our quest. A seeker's mentality gets a finder's reward.

What about the non-material things? What about the treasure of wisdom that is worth far more than rubies (Job 18:18, Proverbs 8:11)? What about the things that aren't tangible; things you cannot buy, earn, or find in stores? How often do we go on an intentional and purposeful quest for that? How often do we find it when we look for it? 

I have been thinking about this concept because I "found" something that I was looking for. Over the years, I've learned to have that seekers mentality. I know that if I seek the Lord, I will find Him. If I desperately need answers, He will give them to me. That's what His Word says (Deuteronomy 4:29, Jeremiah 29:13, Proverbs 8:17, Matthew 7:7-8, Luke 11:9-10). The "catch" is being "all in". Being wholehearted and intentional. Just like shopping, you're on a mission; purposefully and intentionally looking for something (and not giving up until you've found it). It's also like when we were recently car shopping for my son. Of all the makes, models, mileages, prices, etc. you don't give up until you find the right one. There were moments where we almost settled for less, but a true seeker's heart will be paired with wisdom and discernment. Those are the things Holy Spirit uses to confirm to you that you've found what you're looking for. 

I've "found" a lot of treasure to start off the week! It began Monday morning as I was driving to work. I was feeling extra tired and weary; definitely not ready for a new week. I was praying and lamenting about how I was feeling; asking God, as always, for his provision, healing, and refreshment. I also wanted to know that I was seen and that things were going to be ok regarding Chris securing a new job this week. This is a whole separate story, but basically, I've been feeling that this week was going to be the end of our 40 days in the wilderness (July 8th was when he was let go, so that makes today, August 16th, the last day). I had recently read in Luke 4:1-15 about the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness and was struck by how it started and ended - FULL! Jesus was FULL of the Holy Spirit, and was LED by the Spirit into the wilderness. He was fasting; He ate nothing. HOW did he withstand 40 days of temptation? It was that FULLNESS of the Spirit that sustained Him. He had 40 days worth of attacks from Satan, but He overcame it! After those 40 days were over, He returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit; teaching and healing people. 

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. You'd think I'd already be content and super excited for the upcoming breakthrough/shift that is on the horizon after everything I've been reading, praying, and fasting through. However, I wanted and needed more confirmation and revelation. Jeremy Avila actually kicked that off a few days ago at Friday Worship Night with "You gotta getta word!" Watch this one! It also includes an amazing word from Roxy where she mentioned Abraham's "yes" to God. If you need a word from the Lord, GET ONE! He'll give it to you if you seek and ask for it! Seriously, go watch that; it'll help you get started (check this out too for more ideas; this series is also great about explaining how to see and experience God more). I didn't even know at the time how much it would factor in with what God would show me!

Over this past weekend, God was busy bringing the pieces together before I even fully asked for it (it's so cool how He does that; He really does know what we need before we even ask...which was something I read in my Bible plan today too!). Saturday night, he even woke me up from a nap with Hebrews 11:1 in my head. 

Naturally, awakening to a verse echoing in my mind prompted me to read Hebrews 11 in its entirety. It's a faith builder full of testimonies of so many in the Bible who walked by faith. Some didn't even see the full promise in their lifetime, but "welcomed it from a distance." The last verses say that together with US, they would be made perfect. 

The full impact of Hebrews 11 didn't come until I listened to Dutch Sheets' "Give Him 15" post. I thought I was listening to Monday's post, but I was actually listening to Friday's post that I had missed but intended to listen to later. In it, he was talking about God's timing and about....Abraham. I was awestruck and blessed, and then I heard "see you on Monday" and realized that I had listened to Friday's (and like I mentioned earlier, Abraham was mentioned at our Friday Worship Night). I couldn't wait to listen to Monday's post, but it would have to wait for my drive home.

In the meantime, I was also exploring two numbers that had popped up on Sunday. One was a total of $15.15 and the other $80 even. Neither one seemed like coincidences. When searching the Bible app, I found the treasure I was looking for in Proverbs 15:15 and Luke 1:80 : 

All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.

And the child grew and became strong in spirit; and he lived in the wilderness until he appeared publicly to Israel.

Once again, MORE treasure! Bible Hub has some insightful commentary notes on Proverbs 15:15. It explained how the oppressed/afflicted is a mental state. A cheerful heart and good attitude fuels a person and they can draw upon it and feast upon it. Likewise, someone that lives off of a bad mindset will feast off it and wallow in self-pity. It paired nicely with what I was seeking about the wilderness. Like Jesus, John the Baptist experienced growth, transformation, and power in the wilderness. When they both appeared and started their public ministries, they were FULL of the power of the Spirit. They had been feasting on and drawing their sustenance from the Spirit throughout their time in the wilderness. By contrast, the Israelites did the opposite when they were in the wilderness for 40 years. They had an oppressed and anxious mentality. Their mentality left them powerless instead of powerful. They feasted on negativity and scarcity; hoarding manna and quail to feed their flesh instead of feasting on the Spirit of God. I don't know about you, but I want my time in the wilderness to look less like theirs and more like Jesus and John's. I want to emerge victorious, transformed, refined, and empowered! 

To put the icing on the cake, Dutch's Monday post was about.....Hebrews 11. You can't make this stuff up lol! In it, he talked about agreeing with our brethren in prayer and the synergy of the ages (not just present prayers, but the prayers prayed by those that proceeded us). He describes those last two verses about being made perfect together like this:

The last two verses of Hebrews 11 give us the amazing answer; they did not receive the fulfillment of their promises because God wouldn’t allow them to be “complete” without us. That is incredible! We, today, are a continuation of these individuals’ callings and assignments. The Greek word translated “complete” also means “to finish; to mature; to reach the intended goal.” Think about the ramifications of this: without us, God can’t finish what He began through those saints; what He started through them cannot mature or reach its intended goal until we grab the baton and run our leg of the race. That is mind-blowing!

God gave these individuals promises, but He often didn’t give them timelines. He did not tell them He would bring the fulfillment into their lifetimes, although I’m sure most of them expected Him to do so. The eternal God, who transcends time, speaks promises that are sometimes more reflective of His nature and relationship with time than ours. At times, He makes promises to people, knowing full well He will deliver on those promises through their children, grandchildren, or spiritual descendants. I wonder what I may be finishing for some pastor or teacher from a few decades ago? Or perhaps for even some flag-waving patriot warrior?

I went to Monday night prayer room feeling very "full". I wanted to "getta word" and He more than gave it to me! I entered the wilderness full, led by the Spirit for my/our own good, and I/we are going to leave it FULL; better than when we went in! I definitely feel like I/we will be leaving the wilderness this week and entering into a new season (or ministry?!) FULL of POWER! 

I couldn't help but share Hebrews 11 at prayer room through grateful tears. I also shared about how much the prayers of my grandmothers meant to me. I was told that my Great-Grandma Zerkel would often fall asleep praying for her family members. She would try to get through everyone's names, but sometimes didn't make it. I think about what she might have prayed for all of us and that she would go to sleep with our names and prayers on her lips. Maybe it was something as simple as blessing and keeping us. She always used to write that in birthday cards: "May the Lord bless you and keep you." Keep me? Am I going somewhere? What does that even mean? I never understood it. I didn't appreciate it until recent years when I thought about what that meant as she stuck that birthday wish and a crisp $1 bill in the card. She was a widow for most of her life. She didn't have much, but she loved and thought of us. That dollar bill, and those nighttime prayers, were priceless widow's mites. If a dollar was all she had, she'd at least make sure it was brand new. And those prayers? Still being answered today. He has blessed and "kept" me. I cannot be snatched from His hand (John 10:27-30, Romans 8:38-39).

 

Faith. Transformation. Prayers. POWER! The fullness and sustaining power of Holy Spirit is what gets us through our wilderness seasons. He leads us there to refine and prepare us for what comes after it. I'm ready to "getta word" for what's next as I leave the wilderness in the rear-view mirror!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! If you need need answers in your life, SEEK THE LORD....with ALL your heart! Go on that mission and don't stop until you've completed it and gotten what you came for! Don't waste time grumbling in the wilderness. Draw off the fullness of the Spirit and let it fuel and sustain you! Fast. Pray. Seek. You'll be transformed, renewed, and prepared for the purposes for which He's working all of this out for good (Romans 8:28). You'll emerge powerful and victorious; ready to advance His Kingdom in new ways! The faith and prayers prayed throughout the ages will continue on as we pass the torch to the next generation. May He "bless and keep" us all as we give what we have of ourselves to Him! We're creating a continued legacy; or choosing a new one if it wasn't passed down to us (just look at Rahab who was mentioned in that hall of faith!). God bless and keep you all!

Releasing Worry & Trusting God: Whatevers!

In my previous two posts, I've talked about releasing worry and trusting God. The first post was centered on faith; remembering "manna moments" from the Bible, and from every day life, which help us stand firm. Knowing who God is, what His Word says, and reflecting on His faithfulness is the foundation for maintaining and building even more faith to anchor us (especially in the hard times). Though, even with faith, there are still intense emotions that we experience in the midst of it. Faith doesn't mean we can't feel. Powerful emotions often rise up. When they do, we can lean into them in a healthy way to learn from and process those emotions. As we do so, we release them to God and find His comfort and healing.

In my life, I've worked to overcome my "all or nothing" mentality and strive for balance. I've realized that sometimes I stand so firm on faith that I try to stifle and suppress all emotions. Other times, I spend too much time leaning into my emotions that I get stuck in them and spiral out of control into a very depressed state. Both extremes battle brokenness from a different angle. Neither extreme is good for us, and it can be challenging to find that healthy balance. 

I don't know about you, but I sometimes reach the point where I completely burnout and breakdown. I feel completely broken and non-functional; and I struggle to snap out of it. Then, I feel guilty for falling into a dark depressing hole of self-pity; which just piles up on top of everything else that I feel bad about. I tell myself to get a grip, but I've already blown past all the "checkpoints" that I've previously set up for myself. I'm no longer interested in praying, talking to a friend, or encouraging/willing myself to function or think/do positive things. I feel numb, apathetic, and dangerously close to the edge. I've reached "whatever" mode; where I'm like, "It's whatever. I don't care anymore." 

This is why I'm so thankful for the Holy Spirit. I seriously have no idea how I would ever see the light at the end of the tunnel if I didn't have the Holy Spirit to give my whiny depressed flesh a pep talk. When I reach "whatever mode", that's when I start hearing this in my mind: 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:6-8

Do you see that? THOSE are the right kind of "whatevers". If I'm going to be in "whatever" mode, that's the good kind of "whatever" to dwell on. However, when I'm just too deep in that hole, I sometimes stay stuck longer than I should and neglect that first part of praying and giving thanks (which is very crucial!). Instead of being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2), I end up being like the paralytic John 5:1-15. Jesus is asking me, "Do you WANT to get well?" and all I have are excuses. That self-pity trap. It's awful! Yet, He STILL has mercy on me and tells me to get up and walk! Get UP and WALK! Sometimes, that's all I can do for a while. I get up and walk; taking one step in front of the other even if I don't feel like it. Then, He meets me in my every day walk and shakes things up! **PSST! Be sure to watch this episode of "The Chosen" where they bring this story to life. I cry every time for so many reasons!**

I had been trying to run through my list of "whatevers"; thinking on my "happy thoughts" and "manna moments" so I could start seeing the light again. I wasn't making as much effort as I could have, but I was still getting up and walking. I went to Sunday morning service and that's where Jesus gave me a boost of "whatever". It started when my son, Casey, commented on the coat that I was wearing. It was a coat that belonged to my grandmother and had her initials embroidered on it. He said it must have been a prized possession and that it was nice that I was honoring her. He made it sound a lot grander than what it was. I honestly don't know how much she valued the jacket, but it does have a lot of special meaning to me for many different reasons. So, when he said that, it felt like a warm ray of sunshine. His love and compassion is like a hug from Jesus Himself. Grandma always loved me that way too. When His love shines through people in that "whatever is pure" way, it lets a lot of light in. It brightens you up. And things only got brighter from there! We happened to sing "How Great Thou Art" and that both broke me and lifted me in the best way! I started writing it all out in my journal during worship. He downloaded so much into my heart; including several other songs that I added to my HeartSpeak playlist for this new month. I closed my eyes and I could remember my Grandma. I could see and hear her singing that hymn in church as I stood beside her. I thought about the legacy of faith in my family and how Casey is speaking Christ's love as she did; and he's speaking it because I taught him the language (the language I've learned through what's been passed down in my family). 

 

As broken and messed up as my life has been, I started thinking about all these gleams of life and light shining through. The mosaic of a stained glass window is beautiful, and when the light shines on the many pieces, it's even more glorious! In that moment, God was showing me that this is my story. No matter how bad or broken my past or present seems, He makes the broken things beautiful. Two verses came to mind. First, Colossians 1:17 which says that in Him, all things hold together. Then, John 1:5 which says "the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." I felt held together; even with all my broken pieces. I felt illuminated and that I could finally turn my eyes towards the light and see. I didn't want to sit in the darkness and look away anymore. I wanted to be "well." I wanted to allow His light to shine in my darkness and swallow me up instead. The darkness can never overcome light. Light always overcomes darkness. 

Over the past couple days at church and prayer meeting, I've been inviting His light to keep shinning on me and in me. I've been going through my "whatevers"; my pre-made list of "happy thoughts" and memories that keep me anchored to truth and reminds me of all the warm sunshine that has (and continues) to light up my life. I will think about "such things". I will be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I will get up and walk because I WANT to be well. I'll be like King David in 2 Samuel 12:20. I'll grieve, but then I'll get up and move on. Like him, I'll take a shower, get dressed, and go worship the Lord. I'll even encourage myself, as he did in 1 Samuel 30:6, when I feel distressed. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). "Whatever" may come, I know that I can "whatever" myself for good or for bad, but it's the good "whatevers" that I want taking up space in my mind. I will think on such things; and such things will renew my mind, build my faith, and give me life!

 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I encourage you to make your own list of "whatevers". What things/memories are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy? What lights you up and always makes you smile? Make a list of them and put it in your pocket for a rainy day when you need sunshine. Get creative and make a memory board, collage, scrapbook, slideshow, etc. Showcase your "whatevers" so that you can access that burst of light and joy when you need it. Cherish the moments where God's love touched your heart through the hug, smile, or act of kindness from another. Think on such things. God bless you!

Remembering Grandpa (Oh, Cripe!)

This past week has been a blur. I feel like today has been a mirror of Monday and Tuesday when the grief was fresh and unprocessed. Being with my wonderful and loving family all week made me feel insulated from it all. All the love, prayers, fellowship, and other bright spots in the darkness, helped to create a safe place that made it easier to be "strong" and soldier through. However, now that I've come back home and am resuming my daily life, I feel more aware of the fact that my heart hurts. I feel like I just woke up from a very long dream and I'm trying to remember what has happened.

At my Grandpa's funeral, I sang "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey; which had been suggested by Gianna when I was considering song choices. Even now, I feel like it was a God-thing for Him to have stirred her to mention that song because I'm still repeating the lyrics to myself. All who grieve have to take it one day at a time; telling their hearts to beat again. We close our eyes, breathe, and try to leave the sadness in the shadows and step into the light of grace; because we don't live in the closed doors of yesterdays. Life is a continuing journey where we have to move forward and allow the pain, sorrows, and scars shape us rather than break us.

This blog post is as much for my grief-processing as it is for anyone that knew my Grandpa. It is a blessing to me that my family finds comfort in the ways that God enables me to put my heart on paper. Therefore, I'll share the words I submitted for pastor Clark Stoller to read at the funeral so that it's here for people to read. I had also made a brief slideshow of some of the pictures of him that I had (and my cousin, Nikky, made the longer one that was shown at the funeral home):

Ask anyone who knew my Grandpa, and they would likely say that he was a "character". I couldn't agree more and I don't think there's a better word to capture him than that. 

Grandpa was a son, brother, husband, father, and grandfather. All of these roles he did well and with that sense of humor that he was known for. We loved his funny and silly ways. Sometimes, you could just see the orneriness in his face during a conversation because you knew he was waiting for the opportunity to interject a goofy comment or something completely random and nonsensical. It was even funnier if Grandma was around because she would often reprimand him and say, "Wayne, cut that out!" However, that usually didn't dissuade him from misbehaving; or even making a silly face at her. That usually earned him the bonus comment of, "you're so childish."

I am at a loss for words when it comes to describing him beyond the "character" that everyone knew, because I don't think many people knew the character behind the character. He didn't usually exhibit any mushy emotions very well; though he didn't mind if people made a fuss over him. He often pretended to escape your affections and would give you an "oh, cripe!"... but he enjoyed every second of it. Grandma always told me that he was her "biggest baby"; and she usually said it with fondness. He loved attention from others; even though he didn't usually reciprocate it in the same ways. Yet, he was still so easy to love because he was entertaining and good company. In that way, he gave as much as he got.  

I'm thankful to have had him in my life as long as I have. I'm blessed to have tons of memories, pictures, and videos with him in it. When you have that, a character never dies. "Boy oh boy...." that humor and personality lives on! We all love him and will miss him so much,...for "criminey sakes". 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! My heart and prayers go out to those of you that might be reading this and are dealing with grief of your own. Don't go it alone! Stay connected with family, friends, and church family that will lift you up (and I also suggest this short and powerful book that I can never recommend often enough!). God bless you all!

Mining for Gold

This has been a difficult, painful, emotional, and draining kind of week (or two) in so many ways. There were a lot of surprising, frustrating, and unexpected things that have occurred that have been very disappointing, shocking, and blood boiling. Though, there have also been good things that have also happened because of the unexpected. It's all a picture of how God truly does work things out for good for those love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). 

I'm glad I took this day off of work to rest; not only because I knew that I would get home late from last night's Casting Crowns concert, but because of the need to hit the "pause" button. I've been reflecting on everything with a lot of tears and intense emotions, but then it caused me to ask myself a few questions: Is this the lens I want to see this through? Is this what I want to dwell on and remember?

 

No, it isn't. In the mines of this current time, there are nuggets of priceless and precious gold. The dirt and darkness are part of the experience, but not the focal point. The objective is always to persevere through the tough stuff; the rock and the hard places. You find the gold when you don't give up and use the Light to banish the darkness. Jesus always illuminates the way when you carry Him with you and before you. He is the One that makes it possible for you to see, move, and push forward. Without Him, you're stuck; you can't get to the other side of the tunnel (and you certainly won't find any sparkling treasure to excavate). 

My daughter, Gianna, praising Jesus.

I'm choosing to look at the "haves" rather than "have nots"; the gems and not the pebbles and rocks. Yesterday, for example, didn't go as planned (over an hour jammed in traffic, among other things). We missed the first half of the concert. However, it really is about quality over quantity. The part we got to enjoy was so deep and rich. Our hearts were still full and the girls and I were blessed to share it with my Aunt Jennie. Apparently, she had had a rough day at the "mine" too, so we were all refreshed together by what we DID get to enjoy. We still heard some of the most touching songs ever; LIVE! I still got to see the peace and joy on my girls' faces as they soaked in God's presence and worshiped Him. I also got to unexpectedly share it with a family member that I love, treasure, and don't get to connect with very often (though, Gianna hogged her to herself as much as possible... but who can blame her lol?). Aunt Jennie is so much like Grandma; inside and out. The familiar warmth of her smile, hugs, and laughter was salve to my soul and her positivity and encouragement help lift the sadness from my day. That's what Grandma was always good at; she sure was a good "miner". I know that both of us strive to be the same way; and that only comes from the faith in Christ that we all share. Priceless and precious indeed!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! If you've been having a tough time in the mines too, I encourage you to focus on the gems rather than the dirt and rocks. Christ is the light! In Him, there is no darkness (1 John 1:5). Read the first chapter of 1st John today and be encouraged! There is light! There is hope, joy, and redemption! There is Jesus! God bless you!

My Beautiful Aunt Linda

Today, we laid my Aunt Linda's earthly body to rest after a beautiful memorial service. As grieved as we all are, I know we all have peace. Just as the angels had declared that Jesus wasn't in the tomb, but had risen, we know that Linda has been raised to life. It's a beautiful comfort to know that she is with our risen Savior!

I snapped this at our Christmas get-together in 2009. 

The following words are the things that the Holy Spirit put on my heart to share at the service today. It was my honor and joy to be able to minister these words to others just as they were ministered to me when He had me typing and crying up a storm: 

As I have attempted to recall to mind the memories of my Aunt Linda, I realized that I didn't have the kind of memories everyone else would be sharing. Many of us who are gathered here have lived with her or near her while most of my interactions with her has been through family get-togethers and social media. I don't really recall many moments of one-on-one quality time. However, there are two prominent memories that stick out in my mind that I believe can speak for anyone who knew her no matter how much or how little they got to interact with her.

My first memory is of when I was a young child and I was told that she was going to have a baby. I remember that there was a strong emphasis on what a big deal this was. Every baby is a miracle, but her baby was that much more of a miracle child. If anyone ever had a mother's glow, it was her. The mere mention of her son, Zach, would immediately put the biggest smile on her face. She had once told me about how her co-workers had gotten her a doll that was made to look just like him. She adored that gift because it reminded her of her most precious real-life gift; her living "doll" with his Daddy's bright blue eyes. She truly treasured her husband, son, and family. Sometimes, people don't cherish their loved ones enough or as deeply as they should; but she did.

My other memory is about my necklace. It's a cheap two dollar necklace that I bought at a souvenir place while on vacation many years ago. It became a favorite of mine that I wore quite a bit. One day, it accidentally got broken. There were beads everywhere and I reacted with the kind of shock and sadness that Pocahontas did in that Disney movie scene where her mother's necklace was broken to bits. I hoped that maybe I would figure out how to fix it...if I ever had the time and know-how to do it. Realistically speaking, I knew I would probably never get around to fixing it myself. I can't remember how the subject came up (or if someone had just mentioned that Aunt Linda had the jewelry making skills to repair it) but she was more than happy to take a look at it and see what she could do with it. I don't recall how long she had it, but just like her mom (my Grandma) she was able to eventually get it done and get it back to me. Like Grandma, she apologized that she didn't get it finished sooner and tried to explain how it probably wasn't "quite right" or good enough. Again, just like with Grandma, I could never quite figure out what the supposed flaw was because it looked like new to me. I didn't care about any so-called imperfections or how long it took. All I knew is that I was loved because time was taken out for me and my problem. Aunt Linda was just like Grandma (and even looked so much like her too). They both had such willing hearts to love and serve others; always making sure things got done. They happily invested in their family and friends. Love, laughter, service, faith, and joy was a natural part of who they were and is why they are both so beloved and missed. 

I feel that these two memories summarize the Linda we all knew. We all love and miss her because she poured so much life into everyone around her. Since the day she gave back to me my remade necklace, I've never seen it as the cheap two dollar souvenir that it started out as. Every time I have put it on, it's felt like that Disney moment where Pocahontas also got her necklace back. What was so precious had been made precious and new once more, but it was more than that. Immeasurable new value had been added to it because someone cared enough to put the time into re-making it. That's what love does; it rebuilds, restores, renews, and heals. What was once broken is restored and what once was shattered is I made whole and new again. That's what I think of when I wear my necklace: "My Aunt Linda fixed this for me." That's

My re-made necklace

who she was. She modeled the healing grace of our Savior, Jesus Christ. She walked in love and poured it into everyone and everything around her. It pained us all to see life being drained and robbed from her after everything she did to pour life into everyone else. Our comfort is this; she has been remade! In heaven, she has been healed and made new. The body that had been broken is now restored, and what cancer had shattered is made whole and new again. Jesus fixed everything; right on time (His time) and without any flaws. She, her mom, grandma, Sherryl, and all of our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who have gone before us are eternally healed and whole. We will also experience this same joy if Christ is the Lord and Savior of our hearts. Until then, we must continue the legacy of faith and love the way they did. In this way, we will truly celebrate and honor their lives by paying forward all that they have poured into our lives.

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I'm including her memorial video at the bottom. Also, here's a link to one of Aunt Linda's favorite songs: I Can Only Imagine (I can't wait for the movie!!). The one thing I'm imagining right now is Aunt Linda and Grandma being with Jesus in heaven. In three days, it will be the 5th anniversary of Grandma's passing. It's so strange and beautiful that they both went to heaven during the same month, at around the same time, and because of the same reason. I hope and pray that everyone who reads this will get to experience this eternal paradise. The only way is through Jesus. If you haven't accepted Him as your Lord and Savior yet, don't wait another day! You never know when it will be your last! 

Treasured In the Heart and in Heaven!

Have you ever watched "Inside Out"? It's that animated movie where you get an inside look into a little girl's head and you see how her thoughts and feelings work. You even get to see how some moments get turned into special "core memories"; a glowing, radiant ball that is nestled forever into the heart of who she is and shapes who she's going to be. It's an interesting movie because it makes you think about how a person perceives and processes things. 

 

Last Thursday, I was honored and privileged to get to witness this beautiful process when Paige showcased it to us at her student-led conference at school. In her language arts class, she showed us the memoir she was supposed to write. Chris, Casey, Gianna, Julie (Paige's biological mother), and I all gathered around her and her computer so she could show us her memoir and read it to us. When I saw the title, I was a little bit nervous and thought it might be a bit of an awkward moment. However, it wasn't awkward at all (at least not for me). I was very amazed and moved to the point of choking back tears when I read/heard these words:

My memoir is about getting new siblings.
My life lesson is: Not all change is bad.

“Get up, Paige!” called my dad. “We are meeting my girlfriend and her kids today, remember?” Now, those are some words of instant terror. I had already been worrying ALL NIGHT about what I was doing in the morning. I was afraid to see what she was like, what the kids were like, and how nice they were.

When we got to martin’s, we stopped at Starbucks and got some snacks. Then we did some brief shopping. I could see that her kids were very excited to meet me and the girl was very happy that she might have a new sister. They seemed very nice, but H-Y-P-E-R!

Months passed, and my dad finally decided that he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. First, he asked me if I would like having her as a stepmom. I said yes. So he asked her to marry him, and she said yes.

On the day of the wedding everything went as planned, and they said their loooong vows. (Let’s just say there were some VERY profound words!) I had gotten to know Gianna and Casey, my step siblings, pretty well now. Sometimes we would get in fights, which left me feeling languor. Sometimes everything was calm and serene.

In the years after my parents divorced, I definitely had a pessimistic attitude. I had it set in my mind that no matter what, all change was bad. I thought change could never make things better, that life was only going to get worse. I realize now that I was wrong. My siblings have been a blessing in my life. I no longer am alone with nobody to turn to, like reaching out into the darkness to find that I have no hope. My siblings know how it feels to go through a divorce. They are always there when I need them, and I will always be there when they need me.

I was absolutely BURSTING with joy inside! It added a whole new dimension of perspective and emotions to my own core memories of those moments that she described. Not only that, but it created a completely new core memory inside of me that I will never forget and will treasure forever! The whole moment was so affirming and encouraging! It was a tremendous gift from God that I quickly realized was something that could only be described as the treasure in heaven that Jesus describes: 

 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:19-21.

Their first photo together!

The reason Paige's story meant so much to me was because (as anyone from or in a blended family knows well) adjustments are hard and unpredictable. You hope and pray that when your families merge together, everyone will love each other and live happily ever after. You hope that you won't have the complications that came up in the blended family that you grew up in yourself. I won't go into details about all of that, but let's just say it is a relief to know that Paige's perception of our blended family is a good one. I absolutely love the fact that she has Casey and Gianna for her siblings. My favorite part is getting to watch her and Gianna grow up together and be best friends and sisters. I don't have any biological sisters; and the one step-sister I once had was never around. I've always had my brother Ryan, but I've never gotten to experience the sisterhood that others have. It is truly a priceless gift that God has given me with Paige and Gianna; I get to experience sisterhood by observing theirs. I get to witness their games, their fights, their laughter, and their bond every day. It truly thrills me and their connection has been there since day one!

From our "MeliPaige" Day!

The other thing that I adore about this moment is the assurance that Paige loves and accepts me; that she is happy that Chris and I are together and we're her new family. In my heart, I've always loved her as my own, but I've always been concerned that it wouldn't be reciprocated. Everyone knows that things can be tough when it comes to the relationship aspects. In my own experience growing up, I was always afraid that in my effort to love and bond with a new step-parent or step-sibling, it would be upsetting to the other biological parent. I won't go into details, but I'll just say that when a parent or step-parent makes it difficult or confusing for a child to bond with someone (whether intentionally or unintentionally) it causes a lot of problems and takes years to sort out. Sometimes, it leaves a lot of unnecessary wounds and scars to deal with and makes healing very hard; creating other "core memories" that you wish you didn't have. That's why I've always hoped that the family that we have won't have the kind of pain and problems that Chris and I had in the families we grew up in. I've always felt that WE have done a good job. I don't worry about our bonds in this family (as far as what we can personally control in our household). It's what happens when the kids aren't IN this household that can be troubling. I don't want any of the kids to feel the way I did; that they have to hide their life or their emotions from the other parents because the other parent is too uncomfortable. I don't want them to ever feel stuck in the middle, but I know that it happens. I hate it. It hurts me and it hurts them, but we can't can't change or control the feelings and actions of the other parents involved. We can only keep doing our best and assure them that no matter what, there is always going to be safety, love, acceptance, and kindness reigning in our household. We want them to love the other parent and create beautiful memories with them just like they do with us! Our greatest hope is that the other parents encourage the kids to do the same with us so that they have the best childhoods possible and that they have no hurt relationships and rifts with anyone in the future. Doing the opposite is actually pretty self-sabotaging because you end up poisoning the child against yourself in an effort to poison them against someone else. It's really hard on the kids and causes them a lot of confusion and sadness. I hope that there will be a day where parents everywhere will make a better effort to have peace; for the kids' sake. 

Our Family; Est. July 5, 2014

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I have greatly enjoyed sharing this moment with you because this is what life is truly made of! NO ONE can take away this core memory from her (or from me). It cannot be changed. It cannot be bought. It cannot be stolen. It's forever sealed in our hearts and in heaven where no one can alter, taint, sabotage, or take it from us! It's priceless! All the money in the world cannot create the memories and emotions that it gives us; which is great because most of us aren't rich and would have nothing good if these things were dependent on affordability. Thankfully, true riches are definitely made up of the stuff that money can't buy! These treasures are created with love and character. Each and every day, we invest those things in our children and it's obviously having great returns!! :) When our children are old and gray, this will be the stuff that means the most to them; the things that they'll tell their children and grandchildren about. The older I get, the more I hold onto these real treasures. I don't have much of the "stuff" that was bought for me; the clothes, toys, and whatever. All those things were fun at the time, but they're gone. They've been sold in a garage sale, packed away in storage, or thrown away. What I have is, "Remember that one time where Dad said...." or "remember when Ryan did ______ and it was so funny?" It's the quality time, wise words, hugs, kind gestures, and laughter that lasts forever! Doing life together (just as God intended) will give you the kind of hope and joy that Paige so rightly identified as a blessing in her life. May your own lives be overflowing with memories that touch you to your core!! God bless you!

Bucks for Babies

Tonight, I posted on my Facebook and Twitter about the Walk for Life that is this Saturday (please share my post and tweets on your own social media!!). I'm DESPERATE to get the word out at the last minute to help reach that $60,000 goal for Heartline Pregnancy Center. I am sad to say that at this point, they still haven't even met half of their goal.

I truly do not understand how or why this is so hard. Life is the most basic thing that there is. There are many causes out there to fight for, but it all comes down to just one.....life/quality of life, and survival of the human race. If we don't make this our priority, nothing else matters. If we don't fight for our own lives and the lives of others, what's left? Nothing!

Please, read my post about all that I'm willing to do (and the goals I have laid out) for this walk for life. Or, just simply click here to go to my fundraising page to pledge/donate. Then, share this post with as many people as possible....PLEASE! Email it, Facebook it, tweet it, etc. Please, DO SOMETHING!


Grace and peace to you, my friends. I am fighting hard and it's killing me inside because I feel like I'm pouring myself into something so vitally important and no one cares. It's like sounding an alarm that no one hears or warning people and yet they are unmoved and unchanged. I have to know that there are still people out there that care and are willing to stand with me and with the women and children that need us. Will you be that person? Share this post and share whatever you can spare to donate....even if it's just a buck, they all add up! Bucks for babies; and the kind that SAVES their lives and not profits off of them! God bless you!

How You Can Be A Real Life Superhero

By now, you have probably seen at least one of the many videos that have been released; the videos which have thoroughly exposed Planned Parenthood for their unlawful, unethical, brutal, and barbaric practices of butchering and selling aborted babies for profit. Even if you haven't seen them (and I don't fully recommend that you do - it's horrific!) I would venture to say that MOST of us have enough humanity to recognize that this extermination of our own human race needs to stop! The abortion toll far exceeds even the death toll of the Holocaust and yet this is STILL going on....and it's "legal"!!

"But, what can I do about it?" you might ask. Well, as I was just reminded when I watched the movie War Room today, PRAYER should always be our first response and is our most powerful weapon to defeat evil! Our number one enemy is Satan and his primary goal is to kill and destroy (John 10:10, 1 Peter 5:8). However, there is good news! God has already defeated Satan and is greater than ANYTHING he can conjure up against us (John 16:33, 1 John 4:4, Isaiah 54:17). We must pray, repent, and ask for God's forgiveness and healing for our sins and the sins of our nation. He will hear us when we humbly come and submit to Him (2 Chronicles 7:14, James 4:7). Suit up in your armor, warriors (Ephesians 6:10-20)! Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)!

Secondly, as you pray, listen to how God stirs your heart. Maybe God will prompt you to volunteer for a crisis pregnancy center. Perhaps he'll lead you to join in on a walk for life and/or donate what you can to make centers and services available for vulnerable women who need help choosing life for themselves and their babies. Additionally, you can share this and other pro-life posts to spread the word to others on your social media (in addition to sharing in person). You can even prayerfully support those who are standing up for life and vote for the kinds of people that will value human life.

The list of possibilities for making a difference are endless! Allow God to lead your heart. REFUSE to look the other way and pretend you didn't know. Edmund Burke said, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." We cannot afford to be apathetic and dull our consciences!

Please, stand with me in this fight! Better yet, WALK with me! My family and I are doing the walk for life again this year and I have started a team for our church. I encourage fellow members of our congregation to join our team! Even if you're not a part of the Vineyard church, you are still welcome to join us (or you can even start a team for your own church/group or walk/run on your own). We have until October 10th (which is the day of the walk/5k) to build our team and raise funds. Also, there is a "superhero" theme so IF you want to dress up (which you all know I DO!) you can do that as well! They are awarding prizes for best costumes! ;)

If walking and fundraising isn't your thing, could you at least help me raise at least $500.00 for Heartline Pregnancy Center? If everyone that is reading this would donate something, I would more than meet my goal. For some reason, you all are shy about commenting, but the stats show that these posts are getting views so I KNOW there are readers. ;) All you need to do is click here to donate. You can choose to donate immediately or you can select the option to be billed later (you'll get something in the mail to collect your pledge after the walk/5k is over). 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Thank you for reading this post! My hope is that at the very least, more people will be praying and doing whatever they can to support ministries like these. If you don't want to pledge to my local pregnancy center, I hope you will at least help with the one where you are! These caring and loving environments where women can receive real help makes the difference between life and death. Our collective prayers and donations ensure that there will be people there to pray for them, give them pregnancy tests and ultrasounds, counseling, adoption services, and so many other types of assistance! We need to give women a real choice and a chance to choose life; but we can't if death camps like Planned Parenthood is all that's available to them. We HAVE TO keep our CPCs fully funded and continually available (and in abundance!). Let's be the heroes, everyone! Together, we can rescue more women and children! Thank you in advance for caring and helping me reach my minimum goal! God bless you!

Why Did This Have to Happen NOW?

"WHY did this have to happen NOW?" That was the question I was asking myself when I injured my back last Saturday. The timing couldn't have been more wrong (not like there is ever a good time or reason to injure your back). It was so stupid! All I was trying to do was get something out of the dishwasher and SNAP.....just like that. I was so dizzy and nauseous that I thought I was going to pass out. I broke out in a sweat as I struggled to straighten up the best I could and go sit down so I wouldn't FALL down. 

The pain was intense; unlike anything I ever felt before. I used ice and pain reliever and everything I could to try and help myself feel better. It just wasn't doing much. I know I didn't help matters any by continuing on with the plan to go to a charity event that I had committed to, but I did it anyways. I rested up on Sunday and finally got to a chiropractor on Monday. Now, it's Tuesday and I'm happily aligned but still rather sore. I still have much to do this week and am doing the best I can to push through it as I still think about that aggravating question in my mind of "why did this have to happen now?" 

I know I'm not the only one that asks that question. I also know that there are those that are asking it that have bigger problems than a hurt back. Those people would be the ones that I NEED the strong will and a strong back for; the women and babies who I WILL be walking and raising money for this Saturday. As of right now, I have raised $135.00 of my $500.00 minimum goal. I have less than three days to raise at least $365.00 more. The money raised will go to help women who are scared and wondering why a pregnancy had to happen to them now and are terrified about what to do next. Your gift of ANY AMOUNT (if all you have is a dollar, we'll take it!) will help provide pregnancy tests, limited obstetrical ultrasound, adoption information as well as parenting support, baby supplies, and so much more! Click here to visit my family's funding page (yep, my husband and children are walking with me too!) and make your donation! Or, contact me with how much you would like to pledge and you will be sent a collection form in the mail to send in your donation to Heartline Pregnancy Center.

If you haven't read the poem that I wrote a few years ago called "Hearing Their Hearts' Cry", take a moment to read it and prayerfully consider your donation amount. Also, you might remember the testimony of a friend of mine, Saundra, who had an abortion. It was a traumatic and regrettable experience for her. Read her short testimony below and let's help ensure that women get the help they need and won't have to go through this alone: 

Memories of a sunny fall day in early October, sitting in a crowded room of young mothers... How do you force a smile on your face and push down the knots forming in your stomach, knowing that very soon you will walk back out into sunlight with an empty womb, childless. It seemed easy enough for several of the young women, but for me personally I knew it was a death sentence I was carrying out.

As my name and several others were called, we shuffled into a room with a projector to watch 'the movie' that showed us the procedure we would be going through. I got so queasy, I had to leave the room, almost passing out in the hallway. Not once did a counselor say anything about options, and I desperately wanted someone, anyone to talk me out of what I was about to do. Undress, put the gown on, lay on the cold metal table... this will only take a few minutes...that was such a surreal feeling, just going through the motions and struggling to not lose it, not to cry. I remember looking into the nurses face while the extraction was going on, and wishing there was something she could have done to make it easier, but death is death, there is nothing easy about it. I wonder now how many babies she saw die before her heart began to harden to what she was seeing...

Afterwards you are sent to the bathroom to clean up, lay down for a while if you need to compose yourself, and then of course there are cookies and juice to help build up your strength from the loss of fluids. Some of the young women bounced around chatting, relieved and ready to get on with life, and others like myself lingered. I didn't want to walk out those doors, didn't want to live. I didn't think I could ever bring myself to look at a mother and her child without feeling tremendous guilt and pain. I did leave eventually, and then I kept the traumatic events to myself for 6 years, until I married. For 3 years in my marriage, I lived under the lie that God was punishing me, and that I would never have another child because I had so carelessly ended the life of my first born. It didn't matter that the pregnancy came from a traumatic incident on a college campus. It didn't matter that the one adult I came to very quickly advised me to just get rid of 'the problem' because I would lose a full scholarship and risk anger and being cut off from my family. In my mind and heart I didn't deserve another chance, and was headed for hell, condemned for life.

I thank God for a group of women, who were powerful intercessors and LOVING pro lifers who chose to hate the sin and love the sinner. Because they cared about the life of the mother as well as the child, I was able to repent and find healing. Isn't that what all pro lifers should be doing? Loving the mother as much as the unborn child? Maybe if you can win the heart of the mother, she will consider other options before she chooses abortion? Maybe we should be praying for the hearts of women who are broken, fallen, all over the world so that maybe they won't have to make these choices? May God bless you all as you endeavor to serve Him with your whole heart!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Please, donate something....anything! Unplanned pregnancies...they are happening RIGHT NOW. The reasons and whys are varied and often very tragic. We may not be able to offer answers, but we can offer help and hope.....NOW! Please, let's protect the innocent and be the reason that a woman chooses life; for herself and for her baby. God bless you!

And the Moral of the Story is.....

If ever there was an "I wanna punch Bob Barker" kind of day, this was one of them. I've blogged about that feeling before. Even the tamest of people have their Happy Gilmore type moments where they want to start swinging fists or golf clubs. Today wasn't the worst of the worst, but it definitely ranks up there among the "terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad," days. Now, it's time to do one of the constructive things I had blogged about doing in order to cope with this kind of day....blog about it (for my therapy as well as for your entertainment lol).

6:30 ish a.m. : I hear frantic turning of the bathroom doorknob. My husband is trying to talk through the door and is asking me to get a screwdriver. He manages to get the doorknob off and free himself in time to get to work and for me to shower and get ready for a busy day. Something inside tells me that this is only the beginning of a chain of events that are going to happen during the day, but we roll our eyes and laugh it off.

9:00 a.m.: The three children and I arrive at Paige's dental appointment in Elkhart after about an hour drive. Not being the biological parent puts me in a somewhat awkward position to where I can't really fill out any forms completely or sign anything. It bothers me, but in this case, legality counts more than the fact that she's my daughter in my heart. She gets treatment regardless and has to have a return visit for fillings.

10:00 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.: We kill some time shopping before lunch and our next appointment. The kids are mostly behaving, but my diva can always be counted upon for some drama. My phone also decided to misbehave as well; all day it was running oddly and slowly. It also went dead a lot because I had to use it so much for GPS (since I was driving all over creation). The bright spot was, we were all getting to go eat at Panera Bread. Paige loved it; it was her first time there (if my phone hadn't been dead again, I would have taken a picture to commemorate it). We were sitting in a spot where we could see my car from the window and we noticed some young girls stopping to stare at it and look at it as if they were in a used car lot. I was confused but thought maybe they were just being nosy or admiring my Infusion 413.com bumper sticker (yes, very wishful thinking lol). I think Gianna pointed out that I had a paper underneath my wiper blade. I thought it had to be a solicitation because it couldn't be a ticket; I hadn't done anything wrong.

We had finished eating when one of the gawkers finally entered the eatery. I spoke up and asked if there was a reason why she was staring at my car. She looked stunned and embarrassed and then admitted that she had hit it. I jumped right up and we went outside to survey the damage. She had hit my already damaged driver's end from where a pole jumped out behind me when I was backing up about a month ago (true story). Hard to tell what her damage really was other than the obvious paint scrape (my Dad had gorilla glued my tail light back together as best as he could and pounded the small dent out lol). It was about that time that the girl's mom showed up to ask what should be done next. The girl had parked her car somewhere else so I told her to bring it back to where my car was so the police could see it because the best thing to do would be to call and file a report. The note under my wiper was from a good Samaritan who left me a license plate number of the car in case it turned out to be a hit and run (thankfully, it didn't have to come to that). We waited a while and the policeman finally got there, took our information, and we parted ways. I was still relatively ok by this point because I had just been laughing everything off and figuring that since the damage was cosmetic, insurance money would actually be a blessing and could be used for something else. No big deal. Oh yeah, and I discovered my favorite sunglasses were broken (they might be able to be superglued, though).

1:30 - 5:30 p.m. - Arrived at the dental clinic for the appointment for the other two. I had originally cancelled it because when we discovered that all three children had ironically been scheduled for appointments the same day, there obviously had to be a rescheduling. However, I found out that my kids' dental clinic had another location which was conveniently close to Paige's dentist as well. So, let's get it all done and over with right? I had rescheduled the appointments for 2:00 and went in to register. The lady said the appointments were somehow made for the 24th. I almost became unglued, but after explaining the day thus far to the receptionist, she assured me that non-appointments can be accommodated and that they could probably still be seen. So, after all the waiting and paperwork, it finally got done (Casey has two cavities and Gianna, the one who usually acts the most rotten, had none. Ironic, isn't it lol?). I also managed to call my insurance agent and fill him in on what happened before my phone died again. In the midst of it all, Paige's flip flops managed to fall apart. Awesome.

5:30 - 7:00 ish p.m.: Determined to get our last item of business done before finally making it home, we proceeded to drive to Warsaw so I could get to the BMV before they close and get my new license done. That's what you do when you move and get married, right? You get your name and address changed with Social Security, the BMV, and all that stuff. I had already gotten my Social Security card, so this was the next step and I had everything I believed (and was told) I needed. I got to the BMV at 6:10; after we had made a stop at Dollar General for some cheap flip flops for Paige and a light snack to tide them over until dinner at home. We waited 20 minutes and I presented my request and information to the BMV worker to get my new license. Apparently, it wasn't good enough. Despite presenting my marriage license and USPS change of address papers to them, I guess I was a little short on my "proof".

Yep, this is the part where everything stopped being funny.....

I was thinking about the announcer in Happy Gilmore saying: "Here comes the putter throw!!!" I was trying really hard not to be the kind of BMV customer that everyone dreads and makes fun of; the one that screams, cries, or goes ballistic (or a mixture of it all). I listened as the BMV guy explained that he doesn't make the rules, just enforces them. I heard it, but I still couldn't believe it and scrambled through my bottomless purse (and even went out to my car) to find something, ANYTHING that he could possibly use as "proof" that I live at my new address. Alas, I had nothing that had my name and new address printed on a piece of mail that was good enough for them to accept. He asked me why I even needed to do it now and that I had 60 days. What a stupid question! I got a little annoyed and was like, 'um, because that's what you do when your name and address changes...' Good gosh, I just wanna "get r done" and over with so my identity information is correct! DUH! However, I had to leave the BMV frustrated and agitated....but who doesn't?

I was trying to refocus and maintain composure. Angry tears were boiling up, but I tried hard not to let them give way as I started up the car. Yeah, the tank is nearly empty too; I can't imagine how I've used so much gas today. Looks like I need to take care of that....THEN I can go home. That was easy enough, until I left the gas station to head home and was met by "road closed" signs. I tried to circumvent them in order to still go the way I had planned, but ran into endless one ways and dead ends. I finally just had to backtrack and go a completely different way.

7:30 ish p.m. - now: We finally get home. I'm tired and agitated and my stomach hurts....AND I had to endure that annoying and overplayed "Happy" song on the way home because I found it while channel surfing and the kids love that song (which is the last song anyone wants to hear; especially when they are NOT happy). *Clap, clap, clap...."because I'm happy.".... as I pull into the garage.* Ugh. I opted to take a shower and relax as Chris willingly took the reins and followed through on taking the kids swimming at the neighbor's (even though it was late in the evening and the idea was almost ditched, but the kids had been waiting to go all day....and they'd earned it!).

I am now deep in thought about "the moral of the story" as I wind up this blog. Chris, Ben, and the kids returned from the pool, got their showers, and we read our devotion and prayed before they went to bed. I prayed with a heart of relief and thanks; because no matter how "bad" things may seem, God is still good and just (and there are others going through FAR worse). Each day is a day He has made and I can still rejoice and be glad in it. There are always silver linings.This day was just one of the many ridiculously catastrophic and screwy days we have had since we got married just over two weeks ago. I can't even begin to list and describe the physical, verbal, emotional, mental, and financial attacks we have been assaulted with. However, as Christians, we aren't ignorant of the fact that in this world, we will have trouble (John 16:33). Chris and I fully expected that our marriage vows would be tested quickly and we are happy to find that no matter what stresses we have had, our love and faith have grown even more. We are holding tight to our vows as well as our belief in the second part of the previously mentioned verse in which Jesus assures us that HE has overcome the world! As long as our promises and His promises endure, we WILL continue to persevere. Romans 8:28 assures us that ALL THINGS will work together for GOOD for us because we love the Lord and are called according to His purposes.

Grace and peace to you, my friends! We all have bad days. I know that there has to be someone out there who is reading, nodding, and even laughing along with me/us today. We got to find the humor and purpose in things. After all, this day really wasn't all bad. There were plenty of funny moments and good times today. I enjoyed spending the day with all three of the kids and am happy as pie to finally be home! I am now going to enjoy some "comic relief" TV time with Ben and my husband. Soon, my knight in shinning armor will be going with me to the BMV to provide "proof" that I dwell in his castle so that the fire-breathing government will be satisfied and will granteth me my new title lol. It's all going to be ok. I don't always know how, but it will because God always makes it possible! Amen! God bless you all!

Living the Dream

“Are you living the dream?” This was the somewhat perplexing question that a co-worker (Bob) asked me one day. It’s been a while, but I believe my first reaction to this question (which he asks frequently) was, “are you?” He said yes. This was surprising to me because who would ever guess that his job as a Walmart cashier would be anyone’s dream come true?! I laughed because even though working in the jewelry department at Walmart is nice, it’s not truly what I would define as “living the dream”. I do love the fact that I work in a department where I’m surrounded by things that glitter and sparkle (what girl wouldn’t?!) but it’s not the dream I thought I would be living. Oh, it’s a “dream” alright, but not my ideal (and more often than not, it’s more like a nightmare). However, just to clarify, I mean my life in general and not namely or specifically my new job. I have had so many life-altering changes thrust at me all at once. It’s been overwhelming to say the least!! Even as predictable as my certain future started becoming, it was still beyond any measure of preparation. Foreseeable and pending as something may be, it’s still hard to prepare for those mysterious certainties; even when they are foreshadowed. Warning bells serve their purpose; but there truly is no “ready.” It’s hard to weather a hurricane; even if you have withstood severe storms. Forces of nature are a lot heavier than every-day downpours!

Divorce and single-parenthood is my new reality; one that still hasn’t fully sunken in yet. My world is a pile of shattered dreams right now. Everything I ever wanted (and had) has been stripped away and replaced with something totally foreign. I had thought that I was living in a dream come true, but time began revealing that there would be no happy ending. Well, at least not for THAT dream! As an old classmate of mine pointed out, the dream isn’t dead; it just changed (thanks, Chris!). Things are different. There can be a new dream (and a better dream!). The one good thing about rebuilding is that you can restore and improve upon that which was shattered and make it grander than before!

Therefore, my goal is to have the kind of attitude Bob has. He views his job as a blessing and in doing so, he truly does “live the dream.” He mentioned the fact that there are lots out there that would love to live our dream right now. He said that there were hundreds of people filling out applications in order to live the dream of having a job. It reminds me to be thankful (especially because I’m full-time - which is not something you find at Walmart very often!). That, my friends, is what you would call a silver lining to the dark clouds of life!

Metaphorically speaking, things aren’t always ideal. Life is a series of dreams. No one has good dreams all the time. Some of them are strange, unpleasant, and even terrifying. All are different types having different effects. Some we remember, and others we dismiss and/or forget as quickly as they came. The one thing that is certain is that no “dream” lasts forever. They cycle and change (and so do we). As pitifully low as my faith has been, I know that it always rebounds. Therefore, I say with a budding resurge of confidence that Romans 8:28 remains true because God keeps His promises. So, I look forward to the fact that everything will work out for good because He has a plan and purpose for me and will use every element (both good and bad) of my life to develop my character and rebuild and restore me as He did Joseph, Job, and so many others. My faith in that promise will grow as my trust in that truth deepens and solidifies more securely in my heart. It may be difficult and horrible for a while (as several of my fellow sufferers have told me) but it will get better….someday. None of us know when (and sometimes we have to wait longer than we would like) but we all have hope.

As I think about all I have to hope for, I am reminded of a few stellar moments from the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun” (which my dear friend, Adam, recommended that I watch) in which the character vents her “what ifs”. She wonders if there will ever be someone to cook for in her kitchen, live in the bedrooms, or if there will ever be a wedding in her beautiful yard. A guy tells her there was a train track that was built nearby before a train was even able to run on it. Yet, it was a statement of faith that someday, there would be (and there was). And, in the end, their were people she cooked for, a friend and her baby to live in her home, and a wedding she had in her yard for a couple who were like family to her. Her wishes all came true; even if not in the way she originally thought. She was also blessed with a new love of her life. A friend had told her it would happen when she wasn’t looking; kind of like how she, herself, would wake up covered in ladybugs after exhausting herself for hours looking for them when she was younger.

That movie spoke of faith, patience, and being content where you’re at while you believe for better days to come; even if, like the character, I can hardly see beyond the pain of my divorce. I really related with how she said that the surprising fact is, divorce doesn’t kill you. One thinks that it would (and it should) because it’s so sudden and painful like that of a head on collision or a shot to the heart. However, you don’t die; you survive. It almost seems like torture, but you learn to live again. That is all I can hope for. And, like Scarlett O’Hara, I won’t let anything lick me! I will survive and overcome!

My aim now is to just keep “living the dream” each day; and be grateful for where I am at as I wait for better dreams to come true. There is lots to be thankful for; including the fact that I got to spend my favorite holiday with my family today (and drama-free this year!). This truly has been a blessed day! I have been blissfully happy as I relished each and every moment (and morsel lol) today with my loving family! I am truly thankful and blessed to have my kids, my family, and all my true blue friends and co-workers that have helped me go on living! Praise God for all of you!!

Grace and peace to all of you as you live your dreams!! God bless you all and God bless this awesome country of ours that we are fortunate enough to live in!