Three Little Goals; One Big Start!

We all have what is called a "rock bottom." Even when we hit it, sometimes it still takes a while for it to become real and for us to do anything about it. That's how I have felt this past year; like I have hit my all-time low and just couldn't/wouldn't do anything to truly get up off the ground (and plunged myself into deeper sub-levels instead). Though, there were times where I thought things were getting better, only to get worse again. Though, as I explained in my last blog, a large part of that is my own fault. Bad choices and the flesh leading the spirit instead of the other way around. I made a mess on top of a mess and compounded my issues.

I've heard Dr. Phil say that sometimes something starts for one reason and then continues for another. Things happen that may or may not be in your control, but the way you choose to react is ALWAYS within your control! There is a lot about my divorce that I couldn't control, but how I coped with it could have been a LOT better! I won't detail my pain and mistakes right now, but what I will say is that I have finally had enough! Stuff happens, but the snowball effect doesn't have to! I don't have to allow things that ARE within my control to get OUT of control! I need to choose to make positive choices and remember that serenity prayer about learning to change what you can, accept what you can't, and have the wisdom to know which is which.

The things that I "know" need to transition to the things that I "do". Those that love me most (and even my own self) has told me to take time for me, heal, and wise up. I have struggled to find the meaning in that because the "how" of healing hasn't come easily. Maybe it should have (God being the obvious answer) but I chose indifference because I felt that with or without God, it really didn't matter anymore. I felt that my life is, and always has been, a mess regardless if God was my focus or not. So, what does it matter? In my heart, I knew/know it DOES make a difference and I need to truly remember the fact that I was much better off WITH God than without.

It's time to "forgive" God; as well as forgive myself. It's time to value and respect myself again and make peace with myself more than anything else. I need to stop punishing myself with my self-destructive behavior. Therefore, I am going to list a few steps that I am going to take right now to start bettering myself. The "all or nothing" Melissa wants to fix absolutely everything and go all out changing absolutely every single thing I can think of, but I realize it's overwhelming and unrealistic. That kind of pressure is what causes me to be harsh on myself again (and predestines me to burnout and failure). So, I won't attempt to fix everything all at once and I will be patient with myself in whatever steps I take (and accomplish) as I keep taking more. One day at a time, Melissa! Well, better yet, one moment at a time!

There are three things that I am going to do this week....

1. I am going to start reading Brian "Head" Welch's devotional book, "Stronger", once again. I had started it, but never finished it. At the very least, it will start feeding the faith that has dwindled away to next to nothing. And maybe, I will re-read C.S. Lewis' short and helpful little book "A Grief Observed" again. POWERFUL little read that details his own grieving process and rebuilding faith after loss.

2. I am going to be self-aware and mindful. I will do my best to challenge my thoughts and behaviors as they arise and reject the negative ones. Another Dr. Phil saying is that we don't break habits, we replace them with new ones. I have to choose and practice new habits and behaviors if I want to replace the old ones. I will be patient and remind myself that I have a lot to work on and while I can't fix it all at once, I am making progress. Any time I choose to affirm myself, and choose truth over lies, that is a success! I will apply the scriptures (that are still rooted in my being) whenever they come to mind in the situations I run across (like the one about not letting unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. Confession: I have really developed a foul mouth that needs cleaned up!).

3. The kids and I will go to church on Sunday! I haven't been to church in months for various reasons (one being that I no longer feel that I have a church home). There is a church that I have always wanted to visit and that keeps coming to my mind every time I think about going back. I will finally go and check it out and see if maybe it would be a good fit/fresh start for us. If not, I will continue looking for a good fellowship of believers to get plugged in with.

I have so many other "changes" running through my head right now! I just want to keep going and going with "I'm going to start doing this...I'm going to stop doing that". That's what my "all or nothing" personality does! This is going to be hard to not start going absolutely crazy with trying to change so many things all at the same time. I have to remind myself to take it simple and slow...and I might actually change even more than I think without having to think TOO much! These three things are doable, and I will accomplish them this week!

I will remind myself of these goals the way Aslan told Jill in Narnia ("The Silver Chair")to keep reminding herself of the steps and signs she needed to remember to accomplish her mission. "Nothing else matters," he said. True that! This is priority number one and nothing else matters! I must remember my "mission" and concentrate on these goals! If I forget them, I will get distracted and off track just like she did in the story. I have to stay on track! I'll go over my goals out loud before I go to sleep; and even make myself identify and point out the things I did "right" that day.

THANK YOU to everyone who has been (and continues to be) in prayer for me! You love me more than I have loved myself! I appreciate it! I am getting there!! God bless you!

Getting Through the "Crazy Times"

I knew this week was going to be a turning point. It’s like all these months have been leading up to this; the moment when things truly become real and everything starts truly changing/beginning again.

It’s been eight months now since my life has been completely turned upside down. I’ve had to adjust to so many things (and am still adjusting). I don’t know how to articulate it all into something anyone can understand, because I don’t even know how to describe it to myself and have it make sense. So, I think I will skip sorting through the details and just basically say that this week truly feels like my new beginning. I thought my new start was when I moved out, but I guess there are lots of things that have to die/end before things really begin again.

Monday was the “legal” death of my marriage; though it died long ago. Though, now, it finally comes with lots of long awaited provisions in order to help get my kids and I ready to truly be on our own. All this time, we’ve been living with my parents (and thank God for them!). Though, soon, I’m sure we’ll be able to transition to being in a place of our own.

Perhaps that’s the reason I haven’t fully “settled in” in all these months. Myself, and my parents, have been after me to organize/clean up my room. I have straightened up here and there, but it’s never been fully “complete”. So, today, I decided that that’s what I was going to do since I have the time and am off this whole week from work (someone forgot to schedule me, and rather than bring it to their attention, I took this as a sign that I needed the break - and I’m glad!). Amazingly, I discovered a deeper reason why I haven’t straightened things up. It’s more than mere lack of time, effort, and procrastination. It’s because when I look around and see everything getting in its place, I feel settled in. That brings up the feelings of “nothing is going to be the same again” which forces you to face the shock and denial that you’re living in. In my heart, I think I felt “why should I really put things away. It won’t be there long. I’m not staying here. This is just temporary. Don’t get comfortable. Don’t make this home.” The old part of me knew it was because it felt like this wasn’t really happening and that this was just temporary until my life resumed. The other part KNEW that this was just a transition and that I would soon start a new life in a new place at some point. So, it’s a very torn feeling to be living in a sort of purgatory between the life you left and the life you’re going to.

So, I’ve been crying quite a bit today as I’m facing the fact that soon, everything is going to change AGAIN. I’m truly going to be living as a single mom and learning for the first time what it’s like to live on my own without parents or a husband. The idea of it feels strange and lonely. I have no idea how to embrace that.

This whole past year has felt like a slow and painful death. However, I think I’m finally starting to feel like the worst is over and things are really turning a corner - hopefully. Spring is almost here, and that means new life. This is my new life coming into season. Grieving is still painful, but not as frequent as it was (mainly due to keeping myself busy and distracted - yeah, I know…I have to deal with it SOMETIME!). I still have a VERY long way to go, but I think I’m starting to wake up.

The final thing that sparked in me today was when I decided to put my iPod on shuffle. “Crazy Times” by Jars of Clay popped up. The words hit me like a fresh load of bricks:

You're cold that way
And that's why you say
The things that you say
You can't attract
The things that you lack
You're trying in vain

It seems it's always the crazy times
You find you'll wake up and realize
It takes more than your saline eyes
To make things right

You spiral down
You've broken your crown
You don't feel like a queen
You've seen the proof
But you're still crying wolf
You'll never believe

You try to climb a broken ladder
Grip the missing rungs
And fall down, down, down
Seems sometime ago you said
This wouldn't last
And now you sit here crying

Beside your bed
You feel left for dead
You kneel in the dark...

It takes more than your saline eyes
To make things right


This song took me back to my senior year of high school where I was in a severe state of depression and the music of Jars of Clay spoke to me in ways that helped so much. I see the parallel between then and now and how this song makes more sense to me than it ever did. A large part of me has gone cold, and it’s why I have been the way I am and acted the way I have for a while. I’m not myself, and I can’t expect to “attract the things I lack” and make myself better. I am not going to bring about positive/good things in my current state and with my admitted angry/prideful attitude that has caused me to be running in the opposite direction of where I should. In these “crazy times”, you eventually wake up and realize that you can’t save yourself. Your tears and whining aren’t going to make things right if you don’t have the attitude to do a 180 and just continue to complain about the pain and not do anything to yank yourself out of it. So many times, I have cried “God, please make the pain stop!” and have been furious that it hasn’t, even though a good portion of it has been brought on by my own actions. So, today, I felt inside: “No, YOU make it stop!” I CAN MAKE IT STOP! It’s within my power via my free-will. I can make different choices; the choices I need to in order to MAKE IT STOP! God can’t “stop” pain that I’m choosing! The only pain that He can stop is the pain that I surrender to be healed.

I’m knocked down and falling; not feeling “like a queen” or the child of God I was. Despite the prayers and advice and evidence all around that God is there for me (and always has been) I’ve “cried wolf” as if He hasn’t been. So, I climb my own incomplete and broken ladder, and keep falling. I‘ve kept thinking that eventually, I would give it up and quit being stupid…and that whatever “phase” I’m in won’t last long. I’ll snap out of it and rebound as I usually do. Yet, here I sit….crying  (as I often do). I have yet to snap out of it. Nothing has hit me hard enough; or maybe it has but it has made ME hardened and more resistant. I’ve never been in a phase this severe or for this long. I know all that it takes is a decision to flip the switch, but I haven’t cared to do so. Why? I’m not sure. I WANT to care, but I don’t. So, that’s about the only prayer I pray right now: “I really don’t care, but I want to/should. Please, make me care again.” I think I’m almost done running and resisting - almost. I’m getting there. Patient and forgiving is He - if only I could be with myself!

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me and my crazy messed up life/state of mind. God bless you all, and thank you to all my REAL friends who have helped me through all of this and continue to be there for me! I appreciate those of you who haven’t abandoned, betrayed, or made things worse for me! I love you!!

Living the Dream

“Are you living the dream?” This was the somewhat perplexing question that a co-worker (Bob) asked me one day. It’s been a while, but I believe my first reaction to this question (which he asks frequently) was, “are you?” He said yes. This was surprising to me because who would ever guess that his job as a Walmart cashier would be anyone’s dream come true?! I laughed because even though working in the jewelry department at Walmart is nice, it’s not truly what I would define as “living the dream”. I do love the fact that I work in a department where I’m surrounded by things that glitter and sparkle (what girl wouldn’t?!) but it’s not the dream I thought I would be living. Oh, it’s a “dream” alright, but not my ideal (and more often than not, it’s more like a nightmare). However, just to clarify, I mean my life in general and not namely or specifically my new job. I have had so many life-altering changes thrust at me all at once. It’s been overwhelming to say the least!! Even as predictable as my certain future started becoming, it was still beyond any measure of preparation. Foreseeable and pending as something may be, it’s still hard to prepare for those mysterious certainties; even when they are foreshadowed. Warning bells serve their purpose; but there truly is no “ready.” It’s hard to weather a hurricane; even if you have withstood severe storms. Forces of nature are a lot heavier than every-day downpours!

Divorce and single-parenthood is my new reality; one that still hasn’t fully sunken in yet. My world is a pile of shattered dreams right now. Everything I ever wanted (and had) has been stripped away and replaced with something totally foreign. I had thought that I was living in a dream come true, but time began revealing that there would be no happy ending. Well, at least not for THAT dream! As an old classmate of mine pointed out, the dream isn’t dead; it just changed (thanks, Chris!). Things are different. There can be a new dream (and a better dream!). The one good thing about rebuilding is that you can restore and improve upon that which was shattered and make it grander than before!

Therefore, my goal is to have the kind of attitude Bob has. He views his job as a blessing and in doing so, he truly does “live the dream.” He mentioned the fact that there are lots out there that would love to live our dream right now. He said that there were hundreds of people filling out applications in order to live the dream of having a job. It reminds me to be thankful (especially because I’m full-time - which is not something you find at Walmart very often!). That, my friends, is what you would call a silver lining to the dark clouds of life!

Metaphorically speaking, things aren’t always ideal. Life is a series of dreams. No one has good dreams all the time. Some of them are strange, unpleasant, and even terrifying. All are different types having different effects. Some we remember, and others we dismiss and/or forget as quickly as they came. The one thing that is certain is that no “dream” lasts forever. They cycle and change (and so do we). As pitifully low as my faith has been, I know that it always rebounds. Therefore, I say with a budding resurge of confidence that Romans 8:28 remains true because God keeps His promises. So, I look forward to the fact that everything will work out for good because He has a plan and purpose for me and will use every element (both good and bad) of my life to develop my character and rebuild and restore me as He did Joseph, Job, and so many others. My faith in that promise will grow as my trust in that truth deepens and solidifies more securely in my heart. It may be difficult and horrible for a while (as several of my fellow sufferers have told me) but it will get better….someday. None of us know when (and sometimes we have to wait longer than we would like) but we all have hope.

As I think about all I have to hope for, I am reminded of a few stellar moments from the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun” (which my dear friend, Adam, recommended that I watch) in which the character vents her “what ifs”. She wonders if there will ever be someone to cook for in her kitchen, live in the bedrooms, or if there will ever be a wedding in her beautiful yard. A guy tells her there was a train track that was built nearby before a train was even able to run on it. Yet, it was a statement of faith that someday, there would be (and there was). And, in the end, their were people she cooked for, a friend and her baby to live in her home, and a wedding she had in her yard for a couple who were like family to her. Her wishes all came true; even if not in the way she originally thought. She was also blessed with a new love of her life. A friend had told her it would happen when she wasn’t looking; kind of like how she, herself, would wake up covered in ladybugs after exhausting herself for hours looking for them when she was younger.

That movie spoke of faith, patience, and being content where you’re at while you believe for better days to come; even if, like the character, I can hardly see beyond the pain of my divorce. I really related with how she said that the surprising fact is, divorce doesn’t kill you. One thinks that it would (and it should) because it’s so sudden and painful like that of a head on collision or a shot to the heart. However, you don’t die; you survive. It almost seems like torture, but you learn to live again. That is all I can hope for. And, like Scarlett O’Hara, I won’t let anything lick me! I will survive and overcome!

My aim now is to just keep “living the dream” each day; and be grateful for where I am at as I wait for better dreams to come true. There is lots to be thankful for; including the fact that I got to spend my favorite holiday with my family today (and drama-free this year!). This truly has been a blessed day! I have been blissfully happy as I relished each and every moment (and morsel lol) today with my loving family! I am truly thankful and blessed to have my kids, my family, and all my true blue friends and co-workers that have helped me go on living! Praise God for all of you!!

Grace and peace to all of you as you live your dreams!! God bless you all and God bless this awesome country of ours that we are fortunate enough to live in!