There Is No 1985

"The timeline skewed into this tangent creating an alternate 1985. Alternate to you, me, and Einstein; but reality for everyone else." - Doc Brown, "Back to the Future: Part II". 

I think this quote describe grief, mistakes, and regrets best. There are so many moments where life as we know it "skews" into a tangent and creates an alternate reality. The timeline changes and what you once knew to be "1985" is no longer 1985 to you anymore. Some people experience that foreign reality with you and know that something has changed. Nothing will be the same and you wish you had a time machine so you could go back and reset the timeline. Others go on with life as if nothing has happened.  

Grief has several stages: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. It's not a straight shot either. The shock takes a while to wear off and is an undercurrent for the next three for a while. Denial, anger, and bargaining take their turns; moment to moment and day by day. Sometimes, you almost think they're gone and that acceptance is right around the corner; waiting to greet you. Then, a trigger reminds you of the "alternate 1985" that you're living in; and you toggle through the stages some more. Grief truly is a process; and its timeline is one of the most endlessly varied ones there is. 

I think the "bargaining" stage is one of the hardest and cruelest things. It's where so many questions, "what ifs", and "if onlys" lurk. It's where the "time machine" lives. You revisit the past, imagine the scenarios that would have been if something were done differently, and start thinking about how that would make 1985 alright again. However, you know you can't change anything. The time machine needs to be left alone. You can't go back; and shouldn't even if you could. Time is in God's hands; not ours. Nothing can change a road not taken, a mistake made, or a person lost. About the only thing we can do with the time machine in our mind is go back to the best moments of life and think on all the good things (Philippians 4:8).

That's what I have tried to do in the midst of my own current grieving process. I gathered up my best moments and memories and was intent on making a blog post (but ended up making a video instead). This is the time machine I allow myself to use. It makes me feel like the "real 1985" still exists. Yet, it's sort of a danger because it makes me want to hold hands with denial more than I should. Grief sucks. It's hard.

It's the moments of knowing everything is in the past and can't be changed that the anger creeps up again. All the promises of the Bible that are embedded deeply in my heart start to feel like a lie. But, that's the twist (and we know where the "twisting" comes from); it's not a lie. I have to remember that there is a time for everything under the sun. It may be hard to understand the timing, but we can trust it (because we trust Him). Whenever something is hard and I wonder "why me?"; I have to ask "why Him?" I deserve to suffer; but Christ didn't. Yet, Jesus didn't spare Himself from suffering and death. He could have rescued Himself, but He didn't (well, not ultimately; though there were plenty of times He could have been taken out and wasn't...it's all according to the Father's timeline). He didn't spare His own cousin either (and poor John was sitting on death row wondering why because He knew and declared who Jesus was to all). Eventually, each one of us dies and faces judgment (Hebrews 9:27). With the exception of Enoch and Elijah, all will experience death (even Lazarus, who was raised from the dead by Jesus, still eventually died....again lol). Maybe we've had near misses in the past, and God has spared us from those near-death scenarios, but we won't get spared in this life every time. Our time will come; and we don't know when or how.

That point about John the Baptist (and many others in the Bible who weren't spared from suffering, tragedy, and death by our all-powerful God who could have stopped it if He wanted to) was brought up at Melissa Coy's memorial service. It's an important thing to remember because Jesus told us that we would have trouble, but that He has overcome it (John 16:33). I love it when the very things that God is telling/comforting me with show up in others too. That's the kind of perfect timing we all love! I was so glad that that was part of the message. It's assuring, affirming, and makes me feel confident that I'm hearing what Holy Spirit has been saying. It reminds me that there are no coincidences; God really is speaking and His truth is showing up in the hearts of so many at the same time! It's amazing and it makes any doubts fade into the background. We can trust the wisdom and timing of God; even when it doesn't make sense. We know that He has a plan and purpose for it all (Romans 8:28). 

The bottom line is this: there is no "1985". The timeline "skews" all the time. There's no normal; no baseline. The alterations are always happening; and they've been happening since the fall of man. The only TRUE and perfect timeline was before the fall; and that is why Jesus sacrificed His life for ours. Sin altered the timeline; but He reconciled it for good! He truly turned back time through His death and resurrection! Now, we wait for the day where it will be fully finalized and there will no more time at all; only eternity. Those who are in Christ are experiencing the joy of that right now; and this grief we're going through in missing them isn't like the grief of those who have no hope. However, those who died without putting their faith in Christ are experiencing eternal horror; and we truly mourn for their fate that cannot be changed. The finality of both should make us pause and think. It's truly the "Good News" for those who are already in His presence, but catastrophic for those who are not. Once we take our last breath here on Earth, our own personal timeline skews for one final time. This recent article about Ozzy Osbourne's death sums it up well; especially this part: 

Ozzy’s death is not about Ozzy

It’s about you.

The news of his death is not a tabloid event. It is a trumpet blast to the living. The man who once stood on stage and howled at the moon is now silent. The crowd is gone. The lights are off. And he is face to face with eternity.

So ask yourself: if the curtain fell tonight, would you be ready?

Do not play games with your soul. Do not wait to become a better version of yourself. Do not pretend that God is still deciding what to do with you.

He already has.

He sent His Son.

He opened the door.

And He promised – if you will repent and believe, you will be saved.

Not improved. Not reformed. Saved.

You will still die, but death will lose its power. It will become a doorway, not a sentence. And when the trumpet sounds, and your body rises, you will see Him – Christ – and He will not be your Judge. He will be your Joy.

I don't know much about Ozzy or where his heart was at (I truly hope he got saved). But I do know that we have a very different story with another celebrity that just passed: Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster accepted Christ and was baptized. We don't have to wonder who he put his faith in. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Don't get stuck in the past. They're shadows of what has been. We live in the present, and that's the only time we truly have. The future isn't promised, so we have to make the best choices NOW while we still have "time". TODAY is the day of salvation. Once your timeline stops, that "skew" is the final decision. It will either skew up or down. Decide NOW which direction you want to go; because there are no time machines in Hell. Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve and follow the example of people like Melissa Coy who chose well. You can't alter the past, but you can still alter your future while there is still time to write it....so "make it a good one" by choosing to follow Jesus. Amen!

Remembering Grandpa (Oh, Cripe!)

This past week has been a blur. I feel like today has been a mirror of Monday and Tuesday when the grief was fresh and unprocessed. Being with my wonderful and loving family all week made me feel insulated from it all. All the love, prayers, fellowship, and other bright spots in the darkness, helped to create a safe place that made it easier to be "strong" and soldier through. However, now that I've come back home and am resuming my daily life, I feel more aware of the fact that my heart hurts. I feel like I just woke up from a very long dream and I'm trying to remember what has happened.

At my Grandpa's funeral, I sang "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey; which had been suggested by Gianna when I was considering song choices. Even now, I feel like it was a God-thing for Him to have stirred her to mention that song because I'm still repeating the lyrics to myself. All who grieve have to take it one day at a time; telling their hearts to beat again. We close our eyes, breathe, and try to leave the sadness in the shadows and step into the light of grace; because we don't live in the closed doors of yesterdays. Life is a continuing journey where we have to move forward and allow the pain, sorrows, and scars shape us rather than break us.

This blog post is as much for my grief-processing as it is for anyone that knew my Grandpa. It is a blessing to me that my family finds comfort in the ways that God enables me to put my heart on paper. Therefore, I'll share the words I submitted for pastor Clark Stoller to read at the funeral so that it's here for people to read. I had also made a brief slideshow of some of the pictures of him that I had (and my cousin, Nikky, made the longer one that was shown at the funeral home):

Ask anyone who knew my Grandpa, and they would likely say that he was a "character". I couldn't agree more and I don't think there's a better word to capture him than that. 

Grandpa was a son, brother, husband, father, and grandfather. All of these roles he did well and with that sense of humor that he was known for. We loved his funny and silly ways. Sometimes, you could just see the orneriness in his face during a conversation because you knew he was waiting for the opportunity to interject a goofy comment or something completely random and nonsensical. It was even funnier if Grandma was around because she would often reprimand him and say, "Wayne, cut that out!" However, that usually didn't dissuade him from misbehaving; or even making a silly face at her. That usually earned him the bonus comment of, "you're so childish."

I am at a loss for words when it comes to describing him beyond the "character" that everyone knew, because I don't think many people knew the character behind the character. He didn't usually exhibit any mushy emotions very well; though he didn't mind if people made a fuss over him. He often pretended to escape your affections and would give you an "oh, cripe!"... but he enjoyed every second of it. Grandma always told me that he was her "biggest baby"; and she usually said it with fondness. He loved attention from others; even though he didn't usually reciprocate it in the same ways. Yet, he was still so easy to love because he was entertaining and good company. In that way, he gave as much as he got.  

I'm thankful to have had him in my life as long as I have. I'm blessed to have tons of memories, pictures, and videos with him in it. When you have that, a character never dies. "Boy oh boy...." that humor and personality lives on! We all love him and will miss him so much,...for "criminey sakes". 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! My heart and prayers go out to those of you that might be reading this and are dealing with grief of your own. Don't go it alone! Stay connected with family, friends, and church family that will lift you up (and I also suggest this short and powerful book that I can never recommend often enough!). God bless you all!

My Beautiful Aunt Linda

Today, we laid my Aunt Linda's earthly body to rest after a beautiful memorial service. As grieved as we all are, I know we all have peace. Just as the angels had declared that Jesus wasn't in the tomb, but had risen, we know that Linda has been raised to life. It's a beautiful comfort to know that she is with our risen Savior!

I snapped this at our Christmas get-together in 2009. 

The following words are the things that the Holy Spirit put on my heart to share at the service today. It was my honor and joy to be able to minister these words to others just as they were ministered to me when He had me typing and crying up a storm: 

As I have attempted to recall to mind the memories of my Aunt Linda, I realized that I didn't have the kind of memories everyone else would be sharing. Many of us who are gathered here have lived with her or near her while most of my interactions with her has been through family get-togethers and social media. I don't really recall many moments of one-on-one quality time. However, there are two prominent memories that stick out in my mind that I believe can speak for anyone who knew her no matter how much or how little they got to interact with her.

My first memory is of when I was a young child and I was told that she was going to have a baby. I remember that there was a strong emphasis on what a big deal this was. Every baby is a miracle, but her baby was that much more of a miracle child. If anyone ever had a mother's glow, it was her. The mere mention of her son, Zach, would immediately put the biggest smile on her face. She had once told me about how her co-workers had gotten her a doll that was made to look just like him. She adored that gift because it reminded her of her most precious real-life gift; her living "doll" with his Daddy's bright blue eyes. She truly treasured her husband, son, and family. Sometimes, people don't cherish their loved ones enough or as deeply as they should; but she did.

My other memory is about my necklace. It's a cheap two dollar necklace that I bought at a souvenir place while on vacation many years ago. It became a favorite of mine that I wore quite a bit. One day, it accidentally got broken. There were beads everywhere and I reacted with the kind of shock and sadness that Pocahontas did in that Disney movie scene where her mother's necklace was broken to bits. I hoped that maybe I would figure out how to fix it...if I ever had the time and know-how to do it. Realistically speaking, I knew I would probably never get around to fixing it myself. I can't remember how the subject came up (or if someone had just mentioned that Aunt Linda had the jewelry making skills to repair it) but she was more than happy to take a look at it and see what she could do with it. I don't recall how long she had it, but just like her mom (my Grandma) she was able to eventually get it done and get it back to me. Like Grandma, she apologized that she didn't get it finished sooner and tried to explain how it probably wasn't "quite right" or good enough. Again, just like with Grandma, I could never quite figure out what the supposed flaw was because it looked like new to me. I didn't care about any so-called imperfections or how long it took. All I knew is that I was loved because time was taken out for me and my problem. Aunt Linda was just like Grandma (and even looked so much like her too). They both had such willing hearts to love and serve others; always making sure things got done. They happily invested in their family and friends. Love, laughter, service, faith, and joy was a natural part of who they were and is why they are both so beloved and missed. 

I feel that these two memories summarize the Linda we all knew. We all love and miss her because she poured so much life into everyone around her. Since the day she gave back to me my remade necklace, I've never seen it as the cheap two dollar souvenir that it started out as. Every time I have put it on, it's felt like that Disney moment where Pocahontas also got her necklace back. What was so precious had been made precious and new once more, but it was more than that. Immeasurable new value had been added to it because someone cared enough to put the time into re-making it. That's what love does; it rebuilds, restores, renews, and heals. What was once broken is restored and what once was shattered is I made whole and new again. That's what I think of when I wear my necklace: "My Aunt Linda fixed this for me." That's

My re-made necklace

who she was. She modeled the healing grace of our Savior, Jesus Christ. She walked in love and poured it into everyone and everything around her. It pained us all to see life being drained and robbed from her after everything she did to pour life into everyone else. Our comfort is this; she has been remade! In heaven, she has been healed and made new. The body that had been broken is now restored, and what cancer had shattered is made whole and new again. Jesus fixed everything; right on time (His time) and without any flaws. She, her mom, grandma, Sherryl, and all of our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who have gone before us are eternally healed and whole. We will also experience this same joy if Christ is the Lord and Savior of our hearts. Until then, we must continue the legacy of faith and love the way they did. In this way, we will truly celebrate and honor their lives by paying forward all that they have poured into our lives.

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I'm including her memorial video at the bottom. Also, here's a link to one of Aunt Linda's favorite songs: I Can Only Imagine (I can't wait for the movie!!). The one thing I'm imagining right now is Aunt Linda and Grandma being with Jesus in heaven. In three days, it will be the 5th anniversary of Grandma's passing. It's so strange and beautiful that they both went to heaven during the same month, at around the same time, and because of the same reason. I hope and pray that everyone who reads this will get to experience this eternal paradise. The only way is through Jesus. If you haven't accepted Him as your Lord and Savior yet, don't wait another day! You never know when it will be your last! 

Once Upon A Time (S1, Ep2): The Thing You Love Most

Henry watched as the clock started working again at 8:15 once Emma decided to stay. Others notice it too as they are going about their day the next morning; including Regina. She heard the clock chime as she was confronting Henry about his Fairy Tale book that she had been looking through; some of the pages were missing. Though, she considered it no more a threat than Emma; until she notices that Emma's car is still in town. She pays her a visit at the hotel; bringing her a basket of apples from her tree as a parting gift for her drive home. Emma says that she's decided to stay for a while to make sure Henry is ok. Being threatened by Regina has made her all the more determined to stay. Regina assures her that he's fine and has been in therapy. "Don't underestimate me Ms. Swan," Regina says."You have no idea what I'm capable of."

Later, Henry is walking with Emma on his way to school and tells him that their mission is to break the curse and he code names the mission "Operation Cobra". He says that time has been frozen until she got there and that everyone has forgotten who they are and are walking around in a haze. He shows her the missing pages from the book (that show her as the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming) and says that his Mom should never see them and know who she is. Emma talks to Henry's teacher, Mary Margaret, as he goes into school and learns that Henry believes her to be Snow White. She asks her where she can find Henry's therapist and she goes to see Archie.

Emma talks to Archie about Henry and his Fairy Tale obsession. Archie voluntarily gives Henry's file to Emma so she can read about things for herself. He urges her to be careful about labeling him as "crazy" or "destroying his belief system" because it's how he deals with things. He calls Regina when Emma leaves and says that he gave her the file. Later, Graham (the sheriff), shows up at Emma's door with charges that she demanded Henry's files from Archie and took them by force when he refused. He arrests her and takes her back to jail. However, Henry brings Mary Margaret with him to bail her out after he learns from his Mom what happened. Emma promptly decides to go to Regina's and pay her back for the frame job by cutting off a part of her prized apple tree. She says if she comes after her again, she'll come after the rest of the tree and tells her the same thing Regina told her earlier: "You have no idea what I am capable of."

Emma returns to the hotel and Granny informs her that she received a call that reminded her that there was a city ordinance "no felons rule" that prevented her from staying there. Emma begins gathering her things while Regina is busy gathering the apples strewn about the yard and telling Graham that she wants Emma arrested for what she's done to city property. He confronts her about the set up and she denies it while threatening to take away the sheriff position that she gave to him in the first place. He says that he could arrest her again, but that the two of them will just keep going back and forth and that the one who would ultimately get hurt is Henry; no matter how much she insists that all of this is to protect him. Regina calls Emma over to her house to talk and make "peace." Henry overhears Emma expressing her concerns to Regina about his inability to distinguish fantasy from reality and that it's "crazy." Henry runs off and Emma realizes that once again, she's been set up.

Emma goes to Mary Margaret's to pay her back the bail money. Mary Margaret can see that she's distressed and invites her in to talk. Emma says that she thinks she should leave, but Mary Margaret says that that's the very reason why she should stay. She knows that she cares about Henry and asks her "who will protect Henry if you won't?" Emma decides to go find Henry at  his therapy session with Archie and she explains to him that she doesn't think he's crazy, but that the curse is. She says it's a lot to believe in, but there are a lot of crazy things out there so maybe it is true. Regardless, she tells him that she told his Mom what she needed to hear and that one has to trick the evil queen into thinking that they are non-believers and throw her off the trail. She agrees with him that the pages he showed her are dangerous and she throws them into the fire. Henry brightens up and tells her that he knows she is here to help him. She assures him that nothing will stop her from that.

Meanwhile, Mr. Gold comes to see Regina as she is surveying her apple tree once again. He tells her that he just seen Emma and Henry strolling around together and that if she had a problem with Ms. Swan, she should have come to him for help. She said she wasn't in the business of making deals with him anymore and he asks about which deal she was referring to. He then mentions the fact that he had arranged for her to have Henry and then complimented her on her name choice, "However did you pick it?" She questions him as to whether he wanted Ms. Swan to come to town and insinuates that finding Henry was no accident. Mr. Gold plays innocent and excuses himself; but not before saying "please" and taking a bite of one of her apples.

Looking back into the Fairy Tale World, we are shown what happened in the time leading up to the curse. Regina had made her vow of destruction; and planned to accomplish it through a dark curse. Though, she traded it away for Maleficent's sleeping curse (which failed) and needs to get it back. The mirror, and her father, warn her that Maleficent is not going to be happy to see her. The Queen remarks, "Since when do I care about anyone else's happiness but mine?" She decides to go and see Maleficent anyways and get her curse back. Maleficent reminds her that the curse is no longer hers and that it can't bring her loved one back from the dead and to consider the comfort of a pet, like the pony she has, instead. "The only comfort for me is Snow White's suffering," Regina says. Maleficent continues to withhold it from her and says it's a monstrosity and that whomever created it makes even the two of them look "moral". At last, Regina can wait no longer and she overpowers Maleficent with her magic; playing on the fact that Maleficent would save her pet when caught in the warpath of the magic. "Love is weakness, Maleficent. I thought you knew that," Regina says. Maleficent waits for Regina to take her life, but she tells her that she's her only friend and spares her. Maleficent pleads with her not to use the curse: "There are lines even we shouldn't cross. All power comes with a price. Enacting it will take a terrible toll. It will leave an emptiness inside you; a void you will never be able to fill." Regina takes it and says, "So be it."

Regina needs the locks of hair from the "darkest souls" and summons some fellow villainous creatures to give her what she needs. The only other thing she has to add is the heart of something she treasures; which she has the heart of her prized steed. However, it proves not to be effective. Her father says it's for the best, and that "Revenge is a dark and lonely road. Once you go down it, there is no heading back." Regina claims she has nothing to go back to and decides that she will have to go see Rumplestiltskin; the one who gave her the curse. She tells him that it's not working. He says she sounds as worried as Snow and Charming who are fearful of it. He tells her that nothing can stop it except for their unborn child and warns the queen that "no matter how powerful, all curses can be broken" and that "their child is the key." Regina demands to know what she did wrong, and of course Rumplestiltskin insists on a deal first. He demands comfort and a good life in the land that follows and that if he should ever come to her for any reason, she has to heed his every request and do whatever he says, "so long as I say 'please'". She tells him he won't remember anything anyways and agrees. He proceeds to tell her that the heart of a steed isn't even close to good enough. "This is the curse to end all curses" he says. "Great power requires great sacrifice." He tells her the heart must come from something far more precious..."the heart of the thing you love most." She insists what she loved most died because of Snow White. "Is there no one else you truly love?" he asks. "This curse isn't gonna be easy. Vengeance never is, dearie. You have to ask yourself a simple question: how far are you willing to go?" Regina tells him that she is willing to go "as far as it takes."

Regina tells her father what she has to do and he realizes that that means his death. He tells her that she doesn't have to do it and to move past it. Regina insists that Snow's very existence mocks her, is eating her alive, and that Snow must be punished. Her father says, "If the price is a hole that will never be filled, why do it? Stop worrying about Snow White and start over. We can have a new life." Regina claims that all her power and everything she built will be gone. Her father tells her that "power is seductive, but so is love. You can have that again." Regina sobs and says she just wants to be happy. Her father assures her that she can be and that they can find it together, but that the choice is hers. Regina thinks for a moment, "I can be happy; just not here. I'm sorry." Sadly, she does the unthinkable and he falls to the ground.

Regina once again tries to reenact the curse and this time, she apparently succeeds. She then puts a rose on her father's grave with the name "Henry" on it.

*****

I mentioned in the previous blog that I wasn't intending to make these entries that long. Though, for the benefit of those who haven't seen the episodes, I've decided to keep on recapping them as best as I can. If you've already seen them (and want to skip the details) just read the stuff that I post here at the end.

The theme in this episode is obviously "revenge." As anyone with any experience knows, revenge definitely isn't as simple and sweet as one hopes it will be. It takes from you more than anything you hope it will give. True satisfaction and relief (from the pain that caused the need for revenge) is found in the healing power of forgiveness. However, this is something that a lot of people (like the Queen) do not understand. Happiness isn't brought about by causing other people to suffer. Attempting to make other people "pay" for the wrongs they have done never achieves the results we desire. It never fills that "void" and it only creates a thirst for more that is never satisfied. The cycle of pain only continues and more layers of pain and suffering are added. Things continue to spiral out of control until, ultimately, you destroy yourself (and often other casualties around you that you never intended). Indeed, there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed. Revenge will take its toll and come at a terrible price. While seeking to make others pay, we will be the ones that end up paying. That is why God urges us to forgive, love our enemies, and overcome evil with good; allowing God to avenge us and deal out justice (Matthew 5:42-44, Luke 6:27-35, Romans 12:19-21).

Hate is a powerful and destructive force. I think just about anyone can concur with that. However, the ones that call good "evil" and evil "good" are the most dangerous kind (Isaiah 5:20-21). It's a scary thing when those that act out of spite think they are acting out in love. In an effort to protect what's "ours" and avenge, we forget what the essence of love truly is. In 1 Corinthians 13, love is described as a virtuous thing; full of patience and kindness. TRUE LOVE protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and is unfailing. What love does NOT do is envy, boast, or delight in evil. It's not prideful, dishonoring, selfish, angry, or unforgiving. Therefore, it should be clear which way is better. One path is full of life, promise, and fulfillment. The other, a dark road that poisons the heart and is full of death and destruction. Is it any wonder that vengeance doesn't ever make one feel any better?

Like the quote from Rumplestiltskin, "Great power requires great sacrifice." That applies to either path. To truly love unselfishly and unconditionally is a powerful thing that does require great sacrifice (like Jesus' sacrifice for us on the cross). Likewise, sacrifices are made in the quest for vengeance as well; which are usually far more unpleasant and aren't worth whatever "power" they may bring. To love or to hate; which truly profits more? A clear head and a good heart are needed to tell the difference. Think (and pray) before you choose/act; for one's words and actions have the power to hurt or heal. They are truly life and death decisions.

Grace and peace to all of you! May God grant us all the wisdom and virtue to make good choices that enhance and enrich our lives; not destroy them. God bless you!