My Word for 2023: Enough

I don't know about you, but I don't think anything describes the start of 2023 quite like this blinking guy meme. Do you remember 2019 B.C. (before Covid) lol? 

For me, 2019 was an exciting wide-eyed time. The last half of the year was an especially bittersweet period of pruning, growth, and revelation. God had showed me during a sermon on October 13th how important writing/journaling was: "Let's get back to that. This is how you bring my Kingdom to Earth." 

He had also made it clear that I should always "be ready." I remember there was one time I had to scramble to find a paper and pen in my purse because I was so overcome with all the things He was bringing to my mind. He was like, "I told you to be ready!" Since then, I've always carried my notebook and pen with me so I can "be ready" any time He chooses to "download" something. Sometimes it's just for me, and sometimes they are things I feel compelled to blog, post on Facebook, or share in some way. In fact, "Your Heart is Where the House Is" is a post from that October 13th sermon, and it continues to be something I think about and revisit often. 

I felt reignited and reconnected with God in a deeper way because I knew He had brought me back to what He had marked and anointed me for. That statement was a commission and I knew it. I was excited to be stepping into my purpose and destiny. Like many others, I thought 2020 was going to be a year of clear vision and perspective. I think we all had high hopes for great things. It was supposed to be the year where I was finally going to get some important things accomplished for God (specifically a book that He had been nudging me for years to put out there).

Now, we've blinked and those three years are gone. Like everyone else, my family and I have had a lot of highs and lows from 2020 - 2022. I don't think very many of us like to remember 2020. In fact, I'm not even going to bother going there lol. The past two years haven't been much better either. It's not that everything has been all bad, but nothing has been the same since Covid and it's made things harder for everyone in so many ways. 

For me, 2022 has probably been the hardest of all. I knew it would be when I got the word "Refuge" as my word for the year. Yet, it was a comforting word at the same time, because I knew that God was assuring me that He is my safe place. I wouldn't have gotten through it otherwise. There's been a lot of hardships, heartbreaks, and way too many deaths/funerals. Though, on the plus side, we were also kept occupied by a lot of celebrations. I can't remember when I've been to so many birthday parties (including my own), bridal/baby showers, weddings, and graduation parties (including my own son's). It's been a very busy year and I'm so glad that I made it through all of that; plus all the holidays and work craziness of December. 

In anticipating and praying for my new word this year, I was really hoping for something that felt super positive, encouraging, and promising. It was on November 22nd, close to Thanksgiving, that I had been journaling about how weary I was from all the spiritual warfare. I was lamenting everything I was feeling; asking God where He was and to please answer me. I know He never leaves me, but sometimes things just feel like dead air. You just need something very fresh and obvious; something that just smacks you in the face to where you know God is saying, "I'm here and I care. I love you." 

As things continued to get busier at work (and harder in my life in general), writing became less frequent than it should have been. Though, on December 6th, I had one of those days where I was writing and was particularly inspired by the daily "Give Him 15" post by Dutch Sheets: The Power of Remembering. Do yourself a favor and check out that post! It will inspire you to reflect not only on what God has done in the history of His Word, but in your personal history (as Dutch described regarding King David). When we testify to what the Lord has done in the past, we are also calling it forth for Him to do it again (watch the video or read the post here for more). I can't tell you how many times these daily posts have been just what I needed and have aligned with what God was already speaking to me (my son and I watch these every day!). Here is just a portion of what I wrote down that day in my journal:  

What is my armor? What are my weapons? This is no time to lower my shield (faith). That is my defense. My offense is my sword (Word of God). I'm in the Word daily, yes. Yet, so many times I don't take the time to go deep or to open those doors and go down rabbit holes. I'm too busy being Cinderella to be Alice; too busy to be curious. Your Word is my greatest weapon; and to use it in prayer. I don't need to war in vain and in the flesh. Battles aren't against flesh and blood. We fight these spiritual battles with spiritual weapons. I really do need to weaponize my prayers with Your Word and praise. This worry and fretting and self-pity and wailing isn't doing anything. It's time to use the Word and to testify and remember!

Even with that revelation, I still couldn't seem to find my word in December. I was frustrated with myself. I felt like one of the many things getting in the way of finding and discerning it was the distraction of being sick. Early in the month, I had battled some kind of cold/sinus junk. I got over it, only to come down with a nastier version on the 16th (and for extra fun, I also had to deal with pink eye in both eyes). In fact, I'm STILL waiting on my ears to be unclogged so I can hear normally. I'm hoping that the prednisone I was given might finally do something. It isn't very easy to fast and pray when you're supposed to have something in your stomach to take medicine (and you're hoping to fuel yourself with decent food and vitamins to get your health and strength back). It has had me feeling weak and like a failure. I had some moments where I thought that I was possibly on the right track and that something "might" be my word, but it just didn't feel like the kind of "aha" like in years past. I didn't want to just grab and settle for something. I figured the best thing to do was just rest and wait. Even if things took longer or didn't become apparent before 2023 got here, I knew God's timing was perfect and not up to me. 

Enter December 31st...

We were at Chris' family Christmas gathering when his Mom presented me with a wrapped gift that looked like it had to be a picture frame. Chris was sitting beside me and she and Scott were in front of me, and it looked like he was getting his camera ready. I had no idea what this could be; I was excited and nervous at the same time. This was obviously something special if they wanted to record my reaction. I tore off the paper and what stared back at me left me speechless and in tears. It was me; kneeling with my sword and in my armor. My gosh, it was like when Alice looked through that keyhole and saw herself and realized she was dreaming. For me, it was a dream come true; and I couldn't believe I was staring at it and WASN'T dreaming! My word was within it somewhere; and I was ready to get curious and go down the rabbit hole like I had longed for! Get ready to dive in with me, folks! 

Aside from what I shared before, there have been many times where I (and people who have prophesied over me) have seen me in armor. In fact, I've had an image of me in gold armor. I'm in a battle stance; fierce with intense eyes and my sword drawn in front of me. My blue/green hair is flowing behind me and there's lightning flashing behind me. I've often thought to myself that if I had the money, I would commission a friend of mine (who is an AMAZING painter) to paint the image for me. Though, I have often debated whether to change the armor to silver (or white gold/platinum, beskar, whatever lol) because I have always preferred it over yellow gold. Yet, I figured gold was considered more precious and valuable, so that's why God had it in my mind that way. At any rate, it was one of those unspoken desires that I don't recall ever sharing with Kathy. There is NO WAY she could have given me the desire of my heart unless God had been the One to tell her (so explain THAT to me, all you non-believers!).

Kathy said that it was after Thanksgiving when she saw this image on Facebook (which, amazingly, showed up in my own feed a few days ago on January 2nd!). She said God told her to paint this for me. She said she felt intimidated by it. In fact, when I unwrapped it, I asked her who painted it because (to my knowledge) she usually did things like florals. When she told me she had done it, I was all the more blown away and in tears. Not only did God tell her to paint this for me, but she stepped out in faith and obedience to do it. Out of love for Him, and for me, she took the time to do something she hadn't done before; because God thought of me and was using her to answer my prayers. She said "yes" to Him. She did a hard thing and took the time to do it; even though she said she was afraid of being able to do it well and didn't want to mess it up. She knew that it wasn't God giving her a spirit of fear; Satan does that. Instead, she tapped into the power, love, and self-discipline that God gives us to accomplish all things through Him. She said she knew I was such a prayer warrior and that this was me. Obviously, it has not be unnoticed by God either. He heard my prayers! He said, "Yes, I see you. I hear you. This is who you are! Remember!" 

I couldn't stop staring at it. In fact, every time I look at it, it just keeps speaking and speaking and speaking! Kathy said she felt Holy Spirit so mightily over it when it was done. There is just no doubt about it. He anointed her in her gift to do what He called her to do. Then, that gift ignited mine. What a beautiful domino effect! Who knows who will now be blessed as they read this! God multiplies! What a magnificent chain reaction! 

One of the many things that hit me when I stared at the picture was that this wasn't my active warrior pose. It communicated surrender, submission, servanthood, rest, and honor. I felt peace. I felt that it was me kneeling to my Commander; and He is pleased. I also felt like even when I feel like a weak and weary warrior, He is still my strength. I can never do it on my own. In my weakness, He is strong and His grace is sufficient for me. Because of Him, it's enough; because HE is enough. As it says in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

This verse is in the context of Paul talking about the thorn in his side. Sometimes, we suffer things that don't go away no matter how much we pray. It's hard for us to understand the whys when we suffer unpleasant afflictions or circumstances. In fact, a recent episode of "The Chosen" addressed this pretty well (watch this clip if you haven't seen it!). Nick Vujicic (the man born without arms and legs), also weighed in on this and explained it just as beautifully (click here for the segment; it's worth the watch if you've ever asked "why, God?"). Joni Eareckson Tada says the same thing.

"Enough." That word seemed to echo in the moment. I had been striving so hard and hadn't felt like I had found my word. Yet, in that moment, it seemed to appear; and not from "my" efforts. He did it. He's enough. He's made me enough. 

I looked on Bible Hub to dive into the verses more. The word for "sufficient" is "arkeó" which is "to assist, suffice." It's also used in John 14:8 when Philip asks Jesus to show them the Father and that it will be "enough." Jesus answered in verses 9-14: 

“Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

The whole chapter of John 14 is full of reassurance from Jesus not to be troubled; that He is with us and that He would send Holy Spirit to be with us. Peace is with us and we don't have to be afraid. He's got us. He's enough. We have it all because we have Him; and He gives us all His power and authority to do even greater works in His Name! 

Up until now, I hadn't had a moment to sit down and process all of this to be "sure" that "enough" is my word. I was pretty certain, but I was taking note of additional confirmations over the passing days so I could piece it all together and see the big picture. On January 1st, I saw these two images in my Facebook feed that included the word "enough" (and were just beyond perfect and fitting!). Then, of course, that warrior image that Kathy had first seen showed up in my own feed on the 2nd. Then, on January 5th, Matthew 6:34 was the verse of the day in the Bible app: "so don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Then, January 7th, my Bible reading was in Hebrews 11. Verse 35 really stood out: 

Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection.

This verse triggered a memory from last year when I went to a women's conference. Amazingly enough, this Bible story from 2 Samuel 21:10-14 is something that I also recently read in my Bible plan a little over a month ago. Rizpah's sons were killed and they didn't get a proper burial. She spent her days and nights shooing away the birds and wild animals from devouring them. At this women's conference, Eva Rodriguez was telling us that as mothers, we are warriors for our children and families. We have to chase away the birds and wild animals that are trying to devour them. It must have seemed crazy to everyone for Rizpah to spend all her time doing that because her sons were already dead. But, those were her children and she wanted to preserve and honor them even in death; and she got her wish. I found an article that talks about this story even more. Anyways, we have to be the ones to fight for our own kids, because no one else is going to do it. Even if it's all over (or seems like it's over), we need to chase away anything that tries to devour and take away what remains. As the verse in Hebrews says, we can see our dead raised to life again. I will contend for my children; always. My prayers will chase the birds and wild beasts away from my family. Even if it doesn't look like the battle is being won, I know that it will be. Christ is the resurrection and the life. I know what has been prophesied over my marriage and children. Satan cannot have them! I will war until I can war no more; because I am that prayer warrior and I'm not taking my armor of God off! The painting is on the wall in my living room so I (and everyone in my household) can see it every day and be reminded of my job. 

The final thing that tops it off is when I went back to my 2019 journal to look for the entry that I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Right before that entry were some notes before that. I hadn't put the date, but I assume it was from an Activ8 youth conference message because that's where I got the notebook from and first used it. There are a LOT of great notes written down, and among them are these: 

- A life spent for Jesus will be remembered and last for all eternity.

- "Who do you say that I am?" "Am I enough for you?" 

- Good things can distract from greater things. *I had put "book" in parentheses right beside this one*

- "Yes, Jesus, but..... status (scribe), convenience (bury my father), idols (family) 

- "if I had _____ I would be happy" -----> this is the idol detector.

- Heaven wouldn't be worth it if Jesus wasn't there. He is the price and reward. Is He all you want?          Is  He your treasure? Is He enough?

It couldn't be any more clear to me! In 2019, my eyes were open. I was on the right track. Then, I blinked. We all blinked. Now, our eyes are open again. We have all had to learn what's most important. We have been awakening to the fact that we need Jesus more than anything else and that nothing else matters but Him. All the things that got put on the back burner (for me, it's been the book) should be on the back burner no longer. No more excuses; even if those excuses are "good things". I've done a lot of "good things" for Jesus in these past few years, but they weren't that ONE thing; the one thing that I knew I was truly supposed to do. If I continue to be busy, distracted, or brought down by all the thorns of this world, someone is going to miss out on their Alice moment. They won't get their activation, because I haven't done the ONE THING that I'm supposed to do that will show them who they are. I need to follow Kathy's example. I need to do the hard thing; the thing that I've been scared to screw up. The thing I've thought wouldn't be good enough because I have never done it before and don't know what I'm doing. All the people I have asked for help never have time to answer me. I thought I needed them to advise me because they have walked the path before and can show me how to do it. I've been waiting on them while God has been waiting on me. I've given Him all the excuses because I didn't want to mess things up. Yet, all this time, God was just trying to get me to see that it was just ME He was talking to. He picked me; not them. I'm just going to have to go for it. I don't know what I'm doing, and it will probably be messy and imperfect, but it will be "enough." He proved it to me with the painting. He's the perfect One. We just have to be the obedient one. His grace covers it all. It's enough and it accomplishes what He wants!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! May this truly be a blessed new year! Awakening and revival is on the horizon, and we all have our part to play in that! Like I read today in Hebrews 12:1-3 (and not coincidentally, it was one of the many verses mentioned in today's amazing message at church that stunningly echoed much of what I wrote here): 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Through off all distractions and sin! 2022 and these past few years are behind us! Start fresh, and start with Jesus! Let Him give you new strength! Like Bea said in her message, we need to be good disciples if we're going to succeed in discipling others as He commanded. May that dash in-between 2019 - 2023 be a bridge. I want 2023 to be where 2019 left off, but with the wisdom and growth that came in that dash. It's time to take our places! We are warriors and we can never stop fighting the good fight; especially since we know we've already won! We don't fight for victory, but FROM victory! Jesus already won it. He is enough. We are enough! He's got this and He's got us! God bless you!

Finding Answers in the Wilderness

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; 
to search out a matter is the glory of kings. 
- Proverbs 25:2

"Did you find everything alright?" That's usually the question asked when you're checking out at a store and the associate is politely trying to make sure you have gotten everything you've come for. Usually, a person's answer is "yes," right? We go into a store with a list or a particular item in mind; and we don't leave until we have gotten what we've come for. Most of the time, we know where something is. We seek and find it right away. Other times, we're looking for something special that we wouldn't typically search for. It may take us longer to find it, but we're on a mission! Even if we don't find it at one store, we keep looking until we finally complete our quest. A seeker's mentality gets a finder's reward.

What about the non-material things? What about the treasure of wisdom that is worth far more than rubies (Job 18:18, Proverbs 8:11)? What about the things that aren't tangible; things you cannot buy, earn, or find in stores? How often do we go on an intentional and purposeful quest for that? How often do we find it when we look for it? 

I have been thinking about this concept because I "found" something that I was looking for. Over the years, I've learned to have that seekers mentality. I know that if I seek the Lord, I will find Him. If I desperately need answers, He will give them to me. That's what His Word says (Deuteronomy 4:29, Jeremiah 29:13, Proverbs 8:17, Matthew 7:7-8, Luke 11:9-10). The "catch" is being "all in". Being wholehearted and intentional. Just like shopping, you're on a mission; purposefully and intentionally looking for something (and not giving up until you've found it). It's also like when we were recently car shopping for my son. Of all the makes, models, mileages, prices, etc. you don't give up until you find the right one. There were moments where we almost settled for less, but a true seeker's heart will be paired with wisdom and discernment. Those are the things Holy Spirit uses to confirm to you that you've found what you're looking for. 

I've "found" a lot of treasure to start off the week! It began Monday morning as I was driving to work. I was feeling extra tired and weary; definitely not ready for a new week. I was praying and lamenting about how I was feeling; asking God, as always, for his provision, healing, and refreshment. I also wanted to know that I was seen and that things were going to be ok regarding Chris securing a new job this week. This is a whole separate story, but basically, I've been feeling that this week was going to be the end of our 40 days in the wilderness (July 8th was when he was let go, so that makes today, August 16th, the last day). I had recently read in Luke 4:1-15 about the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness and was struck by how it started and ended - FULL! Jesus was FULL of the Holy Spirit, and was LED by the Spirit into the wilderness. He was fasting; He ate nothing. HOW did he withstand 40 days of temptation? It was that FULLNESS of the Spirit that sustained Him. He had 40 days worth of attacks from Satan, but He overcame it! After those 40 days were over, He returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit; teaching and healing people. 

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. You'd think I'd already be content and super excited for the upcoming breakthrough/shift that is on the horizon after everything I've been reading, praying, and fasting through. However, I wanted and needed more confirmation and revelation. Jeremy Avila actually kicked that off a few days ago at Friday Worship Night with "You gotta getta word!" Watch this one! It also includes an amazing word from Roxy where she mentioned Abraham's "yes" to God. If you need a word from the Lord, GET ONE! He'll give it to you if you seek and ask for it! Seriously, go watch that; it'll help you get started (check this out too for more ideas; this series is also great about explaining how to see and experience God more). I didn't even know at the time how much it would factor in with what God would show me!

Over this past weekend, God was busy bringing the pieces together before I even fully asked for it (it's so cool how He does that; He really does know what we need before we even ask...which was something I read in my Bible plan today too!). Saturday night, he even woke me up from a nap with Hebrews 11:1 in my head. 

Naturally, awakening to a verse echoing in my mind prompted me to read Hebrews 11 in its entirety. It's a faith builder full of testimonies of so many in the Bible who walked by faith. Some didn't even see the full promise in their lifetime, but "welcomed it from a distance." The last verses say that together with US, they would be made perfect. 

The full impact of Hebrews 11 didn't come until I listened to Dutch Sheets' "Give Him 15" post. I thought I was listening to Monday's post, but I was actually listening to Friday's post that I had missed but intended to listen to later. In it, he was talking about God's timing and about....Abraham. I was awestruck and blessed, and then I heard "see you on Monday" and realized that I had listened to Friday's (and like I mentioned earlier, Abraham was mentioned at our Friday Worship Night). I couldn't wait to listen to Monday's post, but it would have to wait for my drive home.

In the meantime, I was also exploring two numbers that had popped up on Sunday. One was a total of $15.15 and the other $80 even. Neither one seemed like coincidences. When searching the Bible app, I found the treasure I was looking for in Proverbs 15:15 and Luke 1:80 : 

All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.

And the child grew and became strong in spirit; and he lived in the wilderness until he appeared publicly to Israel.

Once again, MORE treasure! Bible Hub has some insightful commentary notes on Proverbs 15:15. It explained how the oppressed/afflicted is a mental state. A cheerful heart and good attitude fuels a person and they can draw upon it and feast upon it. Likewise, someone that lives off of a bad mindset will feast off it and wallow in self-pity. It paired nicely with what I was seeking about the wilderness. Like Jesus, John the Baptist experienced growth, transformation, and power in the wilderness. When they both appeared and started their public ministries, they were FULL of the power of the Spirit. They had been feasting on and drawing their sustenance from the Spirit throughout their time in the wilderness. By contrast, the Israelites did the opposite when they were in the wilderness for 40 years. They had an oppressed and anxious mentality. Their mentality left them powerless instead of powerful. They feasted on negativity and scarcity; hoarding manna and quail to feed their flesh instead of feasting on the Spirit of God. I don't know about you, but I want my time in the wilderness to look less like theirs and more like Jesus and John's. I want to emerge victorious, transformed, refined, and empowered! 

To put the icing on the cake, Dutch's Monday post was about.....Hebrews 11. You can't make this stuff up lol! In it, he talked about agreeing with our brethren in prayer and the synergy of the ages (not just present prayers, but the prayers prayed by those that proceeded us). He describes those last two verses about being made perfect together like this:

The last two verses of Hebrews 11 give us the amazing answer; they did not receive the fulfillment of their promises because God wouldn’t allow them to be “complete” without us. That is incredible! We, today, are a continuation of these individuals’ callings and assignments. The Greek word translated “complete” also means “to finish; to mature; to reach the intended goal.” Think about the ramifications of this: without us, God can’t finish what He began through those saints; what He started through them cannot mature or reach its intended goal until we grab the baton and run our leg of the race. That is mind-blowing!

God gave these individuals promises, but He often didn’t give them timelines. He did not tell them He would bring the fulfillment into their lifetimes, although I’m sure most of them expected Him to do so. The eternal God, who transcends time, speaks promises that are sometimes more reflective of His nature and relationship with time than ours. At times, He makes promises to people, knowing full well He will deliver on those promises through their children, grandchildren, or spiritual descendants. I wonder what I may be finishing for some pastor or teacher from a few decades ago? Or perhaps for even some flag-waving patriot warrior?

I went to Monday night prayer room feeling very "full". I wanted to "getta word" and He more than gave it to me! I entered the wilderness full, led by the Spirit for my/our own good, and I/we are going to leave it FULL; better than when we went in! I definitely feel like I/we will be leaving the wilderness this week and entering into a new season (or ministry?!) FULL of POWER! 

I couldn't help but share Hebrews 11 at prayer room through grateful tears. I also shared about how much the prayers of my grandmothers meant to me. I was told that my Great-Grandma Zerkel would often fall asleep praying for her family members. She would try to get through everyone's names, but sometimes didn't make it. I think about what she might have prayed for all of us and that she would go to sleep with our names and prayers on her lips. Maybe it was something as simple as blessing and keeping us. She always used to write that in birthday cards: "May the Lord bless you and keep you." Keep me? Am I going somewhere? What does that even mean? I never understood it. I didn't appreciate it until recent years when I thought about what that meant as she stuck that birthday wish and a crisp $1 bill in the card. She was a widow for most of her life. She didn't have much, but she loved and thought of us. That dollar bill, and those nighttime prayers, were priceless widow's mites. If a dollar was all she had, she'd at least make sure it was brand new. And those prayers? Still being answered today. He has blessed and "kept" me. I cannot be snatched from His hand (John 10:27-30, Romans 8:38-39).

 

Faith. Transformation. Prayers. POWER! The fullness and sustaining power of Holy Spirit is what gets us through our wilderness seasons. He leads us there to refine and prepare us for what comes after it. I'm ready to "getta word" for what's next as I leave the wilderness in the rear-view mirror!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! If you need need answers in your life, SEEK THE LORD....with ALL your heart! Go on that mission and don't stop until you've completed it and gotten what you came for! Don't waste time grumbling in the wilderness. Draw off the fullness of the Spirit and let it fuel and sustain you! Fast. Pray. Seek. You'll be transformed, renewed, and prepared for the purposes for which He's working all of this out for good (Romans 8:28). You'll emerge powerful and victorious; ready to advance His Kingdom in new ways! The faith and prayers prayed throughout the ages will continue on as we pass the torch to the next generation. May He "bless and keep" us all as we give what we have of ourselves to Him! We're creating a continued legacy; or choosing a new one if it wasn't passed down to us (just look at Rahab who was mentioned in that hall of faith!). God bless and keep you all!

Releasing Worry & Trusting God: Leaning In

Last month, when I posted "Releasing Worry & Trusting God: Manna Moments", I had no idea how much I was going to need it for myself! I have revisited it a few times; and not just because I was planning on making a "part two" post. My intent was to go deeper by exploring how to have faith when things are REALLY hard and not looking like it's going to work out the way we think. Trouble and conflict will always be present in life; and people and circumstances will frequently fail to meet our expectations. So, I was going to focus even more on the faith aspect of things by talking about people like Joseph, Job, and even Jesus. They all persevered through hardships because they knew and trusted the Lord as well as His purpose and timing. However, I was reminded (through my own current hardships) that focusing only on the faith aspect overlooks a very important part: the emotions in our heart. We can absorb the truth, change our mindset, and soak in His promises and white-knuckle it through the hard stuff, but if we don't address the heart, it's incomplete.

So, what do you do when your faith and emotions seem so entangled? What do you do in the MOMENT when things are fresh, raw, real, and overwhelming? How do you have faith when you're sold into slavery and eventually end up in prison for something you didn't do (Joseph)? How do you not fall apart when your family and livelihood gets wiped out and you're afflicted with physical turmoil too (Job)? How do you embrace being "strong and courageous" (Joshua) when you have to rise up to a monumental task or you're on the run from someone who wants to kill you (David)? How do you deal with sitting inside a prison wondering if Jesus really is the Messiah you thought He was (John the Baptist)? How do you cope when things don't look or feel very good and Romans 8:28 doesn't appear to be "working out for good" the way everyone tells you it will? 

Having faith doesn't mean that we can't feel. In fact, acknowledging and dealing with our deep feelings of fear, worry, sadness, etc. is what helps us build our faith even more when we face it and allow Christ to bring healing and wholeness. When we bury unpleasant and perceived negative emotions and trauma, we end up building up walls of protection and reacting out of an unhealthy and broken place.

The irony of all this is obviously timely. We haven't told many up until now, but my husband lost his job again; third time in two years. So, now my "part two" comes from the fresh experiences and perspective of an insider rather than a hindsighter or sideliner (if those even count as words).

On March 31st, I was at work and saw that Chris was calling my phone; and somehow, I knew in my gut what he was going to say. Yet, when he told me, I was calm. Maybe that was the initial grief stage of shock/denial, but I felt relieved. No more toxic workplace or dangerous and gas guzzling long commutes! I also felt confident that this recycled experience was old hash and we'd be fine. I knew that greater opportunities and blessings were ahead, so I was determined to be positive and full of faith. Yet, I knew my emotions would eventually catch up and I didn't want to deceive myself into thinking that they wouldn't. I know how grief works and that there would be more stages to come (anger, bargaining, acceptance). Those stages can also skip around and cycle. Yet, no matter how much you try to prepare yourself for an emotional roller coaster, it's never as easy as you tell yourself it will be. In fact, I think I've made it harder on myself by trying NOT to feel; even though I recently read a book about embracing emotions and processing/healing them through Christ. So, I suppressed my feelings as much as possible; because guilt would nag at me if I felt anything negative. I felt that leaning in to learn would lead to me giving in and sinking in (my all-or-nothing mentality rearing its head, of course). So, I would just pray and make myself re-read Psalm 34; concentrating on my word for the year (refuge) and remind myself that I already knew this year was going to be hard. "No shadow of shame is going to darken our faces....He's close to the broken hearted....He's going to rescue us....He's our Refuge." Those were/are the things I kept coming back to and soaking in. I also read Psalm 86 & 91  and thought about the things I learned in Chip Ingram's series "Finding God When You Need Him Most" that I listened to a few years ago. I was determined not to sink into a "swamp of sadness" like that foolish horse in "The Neverending Story" (which is the image that frequently comes to mind every time I think I'm starting to give into a quicksand of depression and despair). I even went back and re-read my "Manna Moments" post a few times; feeling encouraged and guilty at the same time as I "ye of little faith" finger pointed at myself for feeling even a smidge of fear, worry, or grief.

It wasn't until the Good Friday production of "The Passion" that I had a fresh revelation. Over every rehearsal and performance since I've been involved with 3:16 Community Theatre,  I've been ministered to and transformed in some way. It certainly was good medicine for me to be immersed in these performances these past couple weeks. Much like a recent Facebook post I shared, the REAL Jesus showed up through Jesse (the actor that played Jesus this year) and ministered to my heart! At one point, I was in the process of walking around "Jerusalem" before the show and felt so heavy-hearted because Chris and I had just learned that day that the job he was certain he was going to get wasn't meant to be. I kept telling myself that I needed to snap out of it and remember to "walk on the water" and keep my eyes on Jesus. I started praying in the Spirit; giving thanks, praising, and reciting parts of the Psalms to encourage myself. I just didn't have time for a fresh cycle of grief! I needed to "Paul and Silas" my way out of this with some chain loosening and wall shaking praise and prayers! But, if you're like me, even when you press that "emotion override" button to walk in faith, it can still feel awkward and fake because you still feel the hurt. That's when I felt God saying, "It's going to be ok, Melissa." I teared up and asked, "When?" Then, I heard that word, "Soon." I thought of that part in "The Chosen" (S2, Ep2) where Jesus says, "Ah, there's that word. Soon. It's the most imprecise thing in the world. What is soon? A few hours? A few days? Years? A hundred years? A thousand years? Ask my father in heaven how long a thousand years is. Then, talk to me about 'soon'."

As I thought about how long our "soon" would be, I wondered what I was supposed to do with all the emotions that I didn't know how to get rid of. I walked around and started thinking about Jesse and how he would grieve in the garden that night while we would sing, "Could you not tarry with me one hour? Could you not watch and pray while I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders....". It made me think of Dutch Sheets post about Jesus in Gethsemane; describing His agony and grief as He anticipated what needed to be done for us and how painful it would be. He had the weight of the world on His shoulders. He grieved deeply, but could (and did) say, "not my will, but yours be done."  Jesus experienced and expressed those difficult emotions and hurt to God AND still had faith at the same time. Faith and emotions can coexist! Much like when we're told that we can "be angry and sin not" (Ephesians 4:26). We are allowed to feel what we feel; it's just how we respond and heal that matters. .  

I wanted to kick myself for being so dull! How many times have I been the one to weep with people and encourage them to grieve; telling them to give themselves permission to do so? Yet, I had forgotten to give MYSELF permission to grieve because somehow I got it in my head that grief and faith couldn't exist together! I had to tell myself, "You're not weak because you hurt and mourn. Being strong doesn't mean you can't be broken. Brokenness DOES make me stronger."

Later that night, I mentioned my moment to my Chris. I said, "It's ok to hurt and to grieve. Faith doesn't mean we don't feel. Jesus grieved in agony in the garden...grieving in ours doesn't mean we don't have faith....I don't know what our 'soon' looks like, but I know our God and I know us. I know that I love you and am proud of you and that that remains true." It reminds me of the songs I've added to my HeartSpeak playlist this month. I know I can be confident that we can continue to be "Broken Together". We'll "Be Held", and find healing on the other side of "When We Fall Apart." 

THAT is the difference between "leaning in" and "sinking in". As a counselor friend of mine once said, "When we're broken, we're teachable." Brokenness really does teach us, grow us, refine us, and bring us fresh revelation and renewal. How often do we truly attain it any other way? How much stronger do we actually BECOME when we ARE broken and our exposed weaknesses have a chance to mend (IF we surrender to the One who can heal us)? We have a much greater opportunity to gain wisdom and understanding when we are going THROUGH pain and hardship because we're more open and vulnerable. Think about it. How open and teachable are we when we're in a state of self-perceived strength and wholeness? Our pride can get the better of us! We're at the peak of the mountaintop basking in victory and glory; forgetting that we were once in the valley and the struggle we went through to get to our highest points. Trouble in the valley seems so far removed when we feel on top of the world. But, that strength came at a cost. We had to go THROUGH the pain and hardship. "Through" being that key word. We walk THROUGH the valley; we don't pitch a tent and live there. He walks WITH us (and maybe some supportive brothers and sisters walk alongside us as well). THROUGH it, we acquire a new perspective that we might not have ever gained otherwise. If we are willing to sustain the pressing and crushing, that new wine will come! We can do ALL things THROUGH Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). Yes, listening to and leaning into that brokenness is hard, but it's far less painful in the long run. If we allow ourselves to feel and listen to the pain and emotions, as if they're dashboard lights on our souls, we can understand and let Jesus fix what's going on underneath the hood. Then, we can move forward IN and WITH faith after Jesus has met us in our pain and helped us release it and heal. 

I think the problem with leaning in (at least for me), is that I frequently become overly cautious about unpleasant emotions. I want to avoid getting stuck in a deep well of sadness and self-pity. Therefore, it causes me to toughen up too much and put on that strong brave face; often resulting in avoiding and suppressing the pain. I should probably keep these two verses in mind: 

 

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.                                                                                                                         -Proverbs 14:13. 

Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us.                                                                                                                                       - Ecclesiastes 7:3.

 

Ignoring and suppressing emotions doesn't make them go away. That grief is still hidden behind that "brave face" and will leak out in other ways.This is NOT GOOD, and I KNOW that. In fact, I already learned and blogged this two years ago, so how could I have forgotten this so quickly; and ESPECIALLY after just READING a book about healing emotions?! My gosh, I really am a sheep; having to learn things over and over again. However, my Shepherd is so loving and patient. Growth and learning is a lifetime process. In this world, we will have trouble (John 16:33). Trouble happens over and over again; it has no end in this fallen world. So, we keep on learning and being tested; and hopefully, we find that we have "leveled up" and are gaining more XP (experience points, in case you don't speak gamer lol). For those of us in Christ, our hope is in that second part of John 16:33. We can take heart because Jesus has overcome the world and He doesn't waste our pain! It really can and does refine us! He really does work it out for good like Romans 8:28 says because of that important second part of that verse as well: for those that are CALLED according to HIS purpose! Yes, WE are CALLED to a purpose; HIS purpose. A purpose and plan beyond our pain and circumstances. He's always working it out for that Kingdom plan. But, in that moment where our faith and emotions seem messy and intermingled, it is OK to just be still and know that He's God; and that's enough. He'll sit with us in our pain and we'll just "be" and grieve for a bit.  

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Whatever we're facing, He'll heal and deliver us from it for His purpose and glory. Be still and know that He's God! Let your brokenness make you teachable! Allow Christ to help you discover the gems that are hidden in your pain and are waiting to be unearthed! Grief and tears aren't a waste of your time. Your tears are precious to Him and He collects them all (Psalm 56:8). Never forget that you are worth more than many sparrows (Matthew 10:31, Luke 12:7). Lean into the pain, but not too much to where you slip into despair. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (James 4:8). Stay anchored in your faith with prayer and praise; it will shake and break chains/strongholds and set you free (and do the same for others as well who witness your testimony). Paul and Silas can attest to that! God bless you!

****

Experiencing God When You Get a Raw Deal 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xM-tTs0q8Y 

Experiencing God in Times of Crisis

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04Z_WCWII_Q  

Experiencing God When You Feel Like a Nobody, Going Nowhere

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9XEyZgX_fM 

 Experiencing God When You’re Troubled and Depressed

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O4xYD1lfB4 

Experiencing God When You are Gripped by Fear

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MY7hES1oOOA 

Experiencing God When You’ve Blown it Big Time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQTMbNeGBLo 

Experiencing God in Times of Confusion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nykRgLfqkpQ

Releasing Worry & Trusting God: Manna Moments

Have you ever heard (or said), "Well, it's not just going to fall out of the sky?!" It's an expression that reminds us that what we want/need isn't necessarily going to be easy and just fall into our laps. While it's true that we can't expect idleness and laziness to yield good fruit, we often forget that working, worrying, and striving too hard isn't how we should expect to get our needs met either. No matter what it is that we are hoping for (everything from material needs to answered prayers), we should be counting on God as the provider of those needs.

Our God is the God who rained down manna from heaven (Exodus 16:4). Yeah, FOOD rained down from the SKY! HE DID THAT! He is the One to whom we also pray "give us this day our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11) and who IS the "bread of life." As He said in John 6:32-35:

I tell you the truth, Moses didn’t give you bread from heaven. My Father did. And now he offers you the true bread from heaven. The true bread of God is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.

The SAME GOD who made sure that the widow's flour and oil did not run empty (1 Kings 17:8-16), will provide a gas tank, food cupboards, and a checkbook that doesn't run empty! The SAME GOD who took a few loaves and fish and fed THOUSANDS (Matthew 14:13-21, Matthew 15:32-39, Mark 6:30-56, Luke 9:10-17, John 6:1-14), is the SAME GOD that works miracles for us today! He WILL provide for you; miraculously multiplying blessings with baskets leftover! We don't have to complain, worry, and hoard like the Israelites did with their manna. We must break off this "scarcity complex" and TRUST the One who will ALWAYS give us enough!

Notice what story follows the feeding of thousands of people in Matthew 14, Mark 6, and John 6; walking on water! Let's take a moment to think about this part in Mark 6:52: 

For they still didn’t understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. Their hearts were too hard to take it in.

Are we too of so little faith? Are our hearts so hardened by all the miracles we have witnessed in our own lives that we cannot walk on the water? Have we not been provided for thus far? Are we not still here to live, breathe, and bask in His blessings every day? In the "bread of life" verse mentioned before, that moment comes right after the feeding of thousands and walking on water. John 6:22-29 says:

The next day the crowd that had stayed on the far shore saw that the disciples had taken the only boat, and they realized Jesus had not gone with them. Several boats from Tiberias landed near the place where the Lord had blessed the bread and the people had eaten. So when the crowd saw that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there, they got into the boats and went across to Capernaum to look for him. They found him on the other side of the lake and asked, “Rabbi, when did you get here?” Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, you want to be with me because I fed you, not because you understood the miraculous signs. But don’t be so concerned about perishable things like food. Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that the Son of Man can give you. For God the Father has given me the seal of his approval.” They replied, “We want to perform God’s works, too. What should we do?” Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.”

 Finally, remember Jesus' words in Matthew 6:19-34. He starts off by talking about treasure, your eyes being the lamp of the body, and not serving two masters. That's a lot to unpack in those verses alone, but then he follows it up with "that is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life...." We see, value, and serve the wrong things so very often; worrying about all the things that he goes on to talk about (food, drink, clothing, etc.) and that all of that worrying won't add a day to our lives! "Look at the birds....look at the lilies of the field..." He says. As we scroll through our social media feeds, we see that "these things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers" (v.32); but WHY should it dominate OURS when WE who believe KNOW who is taking care of us? Jesus said the Father already KNOWS our needs and that we are to live righteously and seek the Kingdom of God first above all else. Then, He will GIVE US all that we need (v. 33). “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." (v. 34).

I encourage you, brothers and sisters:

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. - 1 Peter 5:7. 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7.

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Reflect on your own "manna moments" in your life. Trust His faithfulness! Remember how He has always provided for you and brought you through! Count your blessings and name them one by one (as the old song goes). PRAY about EVERYTHING! Declare it over the things (like your gas tank) that you're worried about running empty. Stop complaining and start praying! He'll fill you up and make things last! Don't let worry dominate your thoughts! That flour and oil will last! Trust Him! You are worth more than many sparrows! Never forget that Christ is over all things and gives US all power, authority, and victory through His finished work on the cross (watch this Dutch Sheets "Give Him 15" video...I'm quoting my favorite part below). "ASAH" and God bless you:

When Jesus said “It is finished” (John 19.30) at the end of His time on the Cross, He did not quietly whisper those words, as is often thought. It was actually one word, and He shouted it! (Matthew 27:50) Nor was Christ referring to His death, as many think. Jesus shouted the word tetelestai if He chose to use the Greek word John gives us. However, He spoke both Greek and Hebrew, and was quoting from Psalm 22:31 when He made this announcement. If He actually used the Hebrew word from that verse, it would still have only been one word, asah. Either word would have been a declaration that Christ had finished the assignment given Him. The Greek word actually meant “to pay a debt in full.” The Hebrew word is also the word for “creating” something. Perhaps Jesus was announcing the new creation!

We do know that when Christ made this declaration, the ground shook, rocks split and people were raised from the dead (Matthew 27:50-53). His words rent the heavens, shook the earth, and broke the power of death. Now He wants to speak through you. Declare His finished work over your situation. Decree His victory over the nations. Read Psalm 2 out loud over America, Ukraine, the Middle East. Shout “asah” over unsaved family members, your sick body, your checkbook. Release the roar!

Embracing the Offensive God

Have you ever had a day that seemed like it had a "theme"; like it was an episode of a sitcom and you were trying to learn the overall lesson that was blanketed over it? That was my day yesterday and I felt like everything else that was not part of the dive into the rabbit hole just faded into the background like the typical clutter of ordinary days. 

The things that God revealed to my heart are so numerous that it's hard to even determine the origin of how I began my plunge into the depths. Though, I suppose it began as I was praying in the Spirit (as has been becoming my regular habit in the mornings). As I continued to do this on my commute to work, I remembered that I had just a few minutes left on the audio book that I had been listening to on the Hoopla app and decided to resume listening (by the way, this app is such a gift! You use your library card to check out free e-books and audio books!). 

To give you a little background, this book is "Jesus and the Disinherited" by Howard Thurman. This book was recommended by Ashley Siri; who recently shared about it in her message at church. It's unlike anything I expected. In fact, I don't think I knew what to expect at all. There is so much to unpack and contemplate in such a short book! I don't know how he got so many layers into it, but I think I'm going to have to go through it again (probably in e-book or physical book form) because the depth of the content is so stirring that you have to slow down. I had no idea what I was diving into; only that the title and subject matter was enough to draw me in. I'll try to untangle some of the web of wisdom from it, but I don't know if I can yet. I found myself thinking so much about what was said that I couldn't catch up to the next thing that was being described. 

As I went into work, my mind and heart was once again turning over the things I had heard; which seemed to be parallel with what I was already meditating on from this past week. If I were to attempt to summarize it in one word, I guess all I can really say is that maybe it all boils down to this one thing: offense. 

Offense comes in many forms and is experienced on all sorts of levels. When we are offended, we typically feel threatened and/or attacked. These threats and attacks are seen through the lenses of our culture, wounding, experiences, faith background, gender, skin color, you name it! All the facets that make up our identity contribute to how we see, experience, and perceive things. Howard Thurman did an excellent job of presenting the perspectives from all the various angles and stirs up the empathy and curiosity needed to stop, think, and truly take the time to understand. I wonder if he ever could have imagined the kind of "cancel culture" that currently exists which is all based around offense? If more people would read this book, we might actually stop this madness and begin the process of healing and unifying together! It just might help us tear down the walls of pride and protection that get built up as a result of the pain, anger, and unforgiveness that offense ushers in.

It's no coincidence that one of the many stories that he mentioned was a story that I was wanting to revisit and go deeper into ever since last weekend. It's the story in Matthew 15:21-28 where the Canaanite woman pursues Jesus for her daughter's healing. Fady, one of the IHOP students that I met last weekend, was talking about it with me as we were discussing persistence and contention for Casey's healing to come for his ears. He mentioned that on the surface, Jesus' encounter with the woman seemed so cold and offensive (I'm not going to go into all my deep digging, but here's a helpful explanation to get you started), but that we have to learn to embrace the "offensive God"; being relentless in our belief and pursuit of Him. No matter no matter how hard it is, we need to know and believe that He is GOOD! We'll receive our reward; just like the Canaanite woman and the persistent widow. We must keep contending!

This is EXACTLY the kind of thing that Howard Thurman goes to great lengths to explain in the book because we have to reconcile the offenses if we're to embrace Jesus and others. Breakthrough and healing can't come otherwise! It can be a hard thing; just read John 6:60-71! This is the part where many disciples desert Jesus. He outright asked "Does this offend you?" and asked His apostles if they too wanted to leave. Peter says, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” 

Oh, if we all could respond like Peter! Lord, we BELIEVE and KNOW who you are! There is no other that we can run to! If we cannot accept your words, which are words of eternal life, what words can we accept?! If your words offend us to the point where we become prideful, hardened, and unaccepting, we are bankrupt! Help us to work through every offense; whether it's offense at you or others. Help us to USE our offenses to run diagnostics on our soul so that we can discover our wounds and ask you to heal them (wow, it just dawned on me that this stuff is what we learned about in Vine school regarding healing prayer)!

As I continued to explore the depths of "offense", verse 71 jumped out at me because it mentioned Judas. So, I started exploring Judas. I found that it was after one of Jesus' anointings at Bethany (oh man, there's another side trail I won't go into but wow....check this out!) that Judas went to the Pharisees to discuss handing over Jesus. Why? It was more than just his selfishness and love of money. Judas, like the Pharisees, was offended at Jesus. His teachings, healings, and His display of mercy and compassion (even to "sinners"), were offensive to them. The hate and offenses that they had in their heart for "that" kind of woman, or for a tax collector, a gentile, a Roman, etc....was just too much to contend with. They could not accept it and rather than open their hardened hearts to the words of life and make it a WAY of life, their pride and hatred determined that it was too hard to embrace. 

As I kept digging in and praying over all of this, I brought my "offenses" to Jesus about Casey's healing. I know that he/we have to contend for it; and that realization is "offensive." Fady was also the one that talked about the story of the blind man, which contains the verse that God pointed out to me when Casey was a baby and we found out he couldn't hear: 

Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. - John 9:3. 

I have always believed that God's glory would be displayed in Casey. Up until recently, I thought that that was all that it meant (God definitely displays His glory through Casey in many ways!). It's not that I didn't want or ask for Casey to be healed and for THAT kind of glory to be displayed, but I had embraced Job's words of "shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" Now, I have regrets regarding how infrequently we contended for healing in 18 years and how hard we have to contend for it now. Yet, I know God's timing and wisdom is infinitely greater than anything I can understand. God's grace covers all of this! I believe in who He is and His words of life and healing over Casey; and that it will happen for HIS glory and benefit when HE decides it's the most beneficial. I release the offense of not seeing it "yet" and believe that I WILL see it at some point. 

After releasing so much to the Lord, I felt like He was telling me to get my notebook from my purse. I write in it when He gives me insight. There is also a note tucked inside it. It's a page of prophetic words that were given to me by a very precious and dear friend of mine. I have read this note many times, and I felt Him saying "read it again." It wasn't until I reached the last part of it that I just stopped and started tearing up: "....walk out your calling - you are doing it! - even if it feels like it's slow & steady. Rest in the ordinary - in the gradual unfolding - He's got you!"  

Whoomp, there it is, folks!! Yet another confirmation that God is going to heal Casey's ears because these are the words that Casey heard himself! I don't know WHY it has to be "slow & steady" or WHEN it will happen, but it WILL! Waiting is hard because we don't know how long we are waiting (ask Abraham and Sarah!). Dear Lord, help me with this "gradual unfolding" and this "slow & steady" pace! It's like our outgoing Vineyard leader, Phil Strout, has said: we live in a "microwave culture" but with God, it's a "crockpot Kingdom."

It only gets more intense from here, folks! After that moment, I was due for an appointment to take Casey's hearing aids to the audiologist for repairs because they recently stopped functioning. Well, most specifically, the hearing aid for his "good ear" is acting up again; and we were JUST at the audiologist on April 1st and everything was fine! I thought maybe it was a sign; that God is taking them away because He won't be needing them (I sure hope so!). Of course, as of this moment, that isn't the case; still waiting for him to not need them to hear. In the meantime, Casey has to rely on lip-reading and sign language to communicate (which makes everything harder for him, his teachers, and all of us who interact with him). If there's anything I'm still struggling with, it's that. It's bad enough that Casey isn't healed yet, but to be without his hearing aids on top of it? Though, I just got a call before posting this that I can pick them up already and that they're good to go (thank you, Jesus!). 

When I left the audiologist yesterday, I started playing the remainder of the book on my Hoopla app while driving to the pharmacy drive-thru at Meijer. As I pulled up, I saw a blind man with his seeing eye dog. I know this man, so I stopped to talk with him and congratulate him on his new friend. As we were conversing, I asked him how long he'd been blind. He said his whole life; since like 18 months and that he couldn't see at all. He said his eyes were like glass. I told him I would love to pray for him and that I had a hearing impaired son whom I am currently contending for for healing. Then, he said the most heartbreaking thing ever: "I don't have the faith for that....I don't share your faith...I have seen too much, like with that girl running down those three kids at the bus stop, that I don't think anyone is in charge." He apologized a couple different times and said that was just how he felt. I just never would have thought this about him. He wasn't even angry when he said it and I have observed nothing but a kind spirit from this guy in all the time I've known him. I never would have guessed that this was where his heart was. I told him that I have seen the opposite; that even at my lowest when I was going through my divorce and feeling numb, God brought me back. I told him I had experienced so much that I knew He had to be real. "I'm sorry. I just don't share your faith," he said. I was at a loss for words, but one of the last things I said before we parted ways was that I hoped God would meet him where he was at. 

After I picked up my prescription and started the drive home, I prayed out loud: "Lord, he may not have the faith for it, but I do. Open his eyes, in the name of Jesus." I felt the Lord say, "I can't." Wait, what? "I can't. He's blind." Uh, yeah...obviously! Then, I remembered the book I was listening to and all I had learned that day. He's BLIND! He's blind like the Pharisees! Until his spiritual eyes see first, he can't comprehend the things of God or have the faith to accept and receive healing for his physical eyes:

And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. - 2 Corinthians 4:3-4. 

Later on in the evening, I was telling my husband about this encounter; that I first needed to pray for the veil to be lifted and this man's spiritual eyes to be opened first (not coincidentally, I recently read all about this in "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets). What we both have seen in life has been very different. He cannot see what I see because he doesn't have the lens of faith. I told Chris, "He has to have an encounter with Jesus first before He can see...." That's when I heard my own words and I stopped. That's what Victor had told me the night we were all praying for Casey! It's not like Casey doesn't already know and encounter Jesus, but this is obviously going to be something bigger and more powerful than anything he's ever experienced. It also dawned on me as I was praying this morning that just like the blind man has to "see" Jesus, Casey needs to "hear" Him. Casey often takes the voice of God literally; saying that he doesn't think he can hear Him because God's voice is a gentle whisper and "still small voice" and he says "I can't hear that because He's too quiet." I've been trying to encourage Casey to listen for God's voice with his heart/mind, but he's having a hard time comprehending what that means. Maybe that's the encounter and revelation we need to be praying for; that Casey will understand how to hear God's voice with his spiritual ears so the healing can come for his physical ears! We all know that this breakthrough is close and Gianna has shared with me a vision she had about him getting healed. I started to type it out here, but then felt like I wasn't supposed to publicly reveal the details. I'll hold onto it for now. All I know is that Jesus is the unveiler, revealer, and healer! We'll keep contending and pressing in, but it's all up to HIM! He does the work. He determines, the when, where, and how of it. 

One more thing that happened as I cried and prayed on my way to work was when I was asking God WHY He would even tell us about Casey being healed when it hasn't happened yet. Why even let us know it was coming and have us impatiently waiting for it? Why not just surprise us with it? I know He can do whatever and whenever; and I have learned to expect it. That's when He reminded me that up until a few months ago, Casey did not. He didn't think miracles like this still happened today. He thought it was only "back then" and he didn't have the faith for it anymore than the blind man does for his. God had to create that expectation for him and tell him it was coming. It was for Casey's sake, not mine, that we had to be told that it is on the way. Last Fall, we thought Casey was losing hearing and started going after his healing. Casey started taking it seriously and he had many powerful experiences with the Holy Spirit since then where we've been praying for him and he felt the presence of God. How kind of God to prep Casey; knowing that with his autism, it is helpful for him to have an awareness of what to expect. He had to lift that veil and show him that healing IS possible and still happens! Ever since then, he has been believing and asking for it! As a mom, it's hard to step back, but this is primarily between Casey and the Lord. These are his ears and his testimony. I want it so badly for him, but Fady's testimony of how his mom stepped back and let go (regarding his sister's healing) has been speaking to me too. As soon as she let go, God did His work in his sister. Alright, Lord, he's all yours! Work it out with him. You're in charge of this!

I feel so incredibly blessed by all the Lord showed me. Praying and digging into His Word really does bring about answers! Another book that I need to read or listen to again is "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. That's probably the most insightful book I've ever read regarding overcoming offense and learning to forgive! I strongly encourage you to check it out if you've read this long post of mine and find yourself wanting to know more! ;) My thanks to everyone who has been with Casey on this journey and those that have ministered to me as well. We're going to see a victory! Contend with me for Casey's healing and pray for that encounter that is going to bring it and for him to have his spiritual ears fully opened! Thank you, and amen!