What Are You Doing Here?

I saw it coming. Something felt off. My spirit knew that something wasn't right. I had the sense that I needed to be vigilant and prepared; that my shield of faith needed to be up because a fiery dart was coming. Then, it happened. Reckless wounding words came spilling out of the mouth of someone that was supposed to be a safe and trusted believer in Christ. I knew the enemy was prowling around like a lion trying to devour me. I knew that Satan wanted to use these words to attack my identity and cause fear and doubt in my mind. I saw it for what it was; it was a struggle not against flesh and blood, but of demonic forces that were attempting to use this person as a vessel to wound me. I didn't want it to take root in me. I knew the words were a lie; an expertly worded phrase that Satan knew would shatter my core if I allowed it. Of all the things I had worked so hard to overcome in my lifetime, these words carried the weight of a former version of myself; hitting at a known weak spot of insecurity that the devil continually tries to use to re-enslave me. Even with that shield of faith up, it still hit hard. I fought back with the sword of the Spirit. Just like Jesus declared, "It is written",  I boldly asserted to this person, "No, I do not receive this. This is not who I am. I am defined by Christ and I am a new creation." This weapon formed against me would not prosper and I would stand against this accusation/condemnation and be vindicated by the Lord (Isaiah 54:17)!

When I declared the truth of God's Word, I felt relief. I felt the power of God's truth silencing the lie in that moment. The discussion continued as I questioned this person as to why, especially knowing my current vulnerability and stressors in my life, they would say what they had said. In a way, I knew they "meant well". Though, this wasn't the first time their words/actions had me feeling beaten down and like they had been cunningly crafted by the enemy to inflict damage at a very "opportune time". Even with clarification (and even though I asked them to "take it back", which they did), the words were still echoing a bit like a resounding gong...and I was very aware of its potential to keep doing so. I knew the warfare was probably far from over. At any rate, I didn't want offense and bitterness to be part of it. I know how detrimental that is, so I made sure we parted ways with forgiveness and peace. Things resolved peacefully that day. Though, that is another thing that has been a struggle for me; feeling and believing that things really are "ok". 

I'm thankful for all the ways God has given me the gift of empathy. However, it's a LOT to deal with when you feel emotions so deeply (even the emotions of others). I've improved, but I am still trying to learn how to handle things without it overwhelming my mind and body. I was still feeling shocked, hurt, sad, and angry. The tears kept coming. I prayed and prayed; declaring that the enemy wasn't welcome to set up camp in my mind. I have been listening to the audio book by Louie Giglio, "Don't Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table: It's Time to Win the Battle of Your Mind...." I knew that this was exactly what the devil was trying to do. 

Over the next couple days of prayer, journaling, etc., I continued being intentional about focusing on the truth rather than the lies. Yet, I was still feeling a bit broken and knew I was teetering on the edge of a spiral and a visit to the "swamp of sadness". I prayed that God would give me a timely word of encouragement and affirmation. Just as He has always done before, He sent another person to "undo" the words by giving me new ones. I got an unexpected text from a precious friend of mine who said that when she saw my face, she was "filled with joy" and that I "leave a big impact on people." That, my friends, was God's voice speaking through her. Reckless words may have pierced like a sword, but those wise words brought healing (Proverbs 12:18). Also, like the next verse (19) states: "Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment." (NIV) 

A recent poem I wrote

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for Your enduring and eternal truth! Lies have no substance and will always unravel. That moment has passed, and I no longer live there. I will remember the things You have told me in Your Word and through the blessed words of other believers. Satan doesn't want me to believe that Your Spirit is in me or that Your fruit is there. He doesn't want me to remember that "joy" is one of those things that people experience and that they are impacted for good when they encounter You through me. He only wants to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). His attempt to derail me by showing up in another believer's careless words will not cause my identity to crumble or have me question my gifts and destiny. I know that the devil has been coming at me harder because he can see that my growth and purpose is building up to something. 

I would like to say that this story ends here, but it doesn't. Warfare never stops and we should NEVER take our spiritual armor off! The enemy came at me some more as he attempted to spin other words, thoughts, memories, and situations to make me believe that the initial blow had merit. Even though I knew what was happening, I ended up giving in and allowing myself to attend my own pity party instead. Despite that nudge to stop and reset, I resigned myself to the swamp even more. I was tired of fighting and resisting. It was too much work and I was exhausted with life. Why was I even still here? Why are things like this? Why do people hurt me and treat me the way that they do? Why, why, why.....? Dear God, just take me home to be with you. I don't belong here. Just let me go to sleep and not wake up since I have no right to "go to the wire".

At that, I dozed off on the couch where I was reclining at the time. In those early moments of slumber, God broke through into my mind and reminded me of someone else who had gotten himself stuck in that same thought spiral: Elijah. My eyes shot open and I was jolted awake. God had reset me! I went to 1 Kings 19 and read that chapter. Like Elijah, I had given in to the spirit of fear and it reminded me of how John Ramirez describes it in the book "Destroying Fear: Strategies to Overthrow the Enemy's Tactics and Walk in Total Freedom". He says:

This planted the seed of fear in Elijah, causing him to flee to Horeb. The fear that he allowed to enter his spirit eventually manifested as depression, then oppression and finally even thoughts of suicide.

John Ramirez also brilliantly points out: 

When we are crippled with fear, it crowds out His voice and His truths. When we are free from fear and worry, we are able to walk out our calling and purpose, the one our heavenly Father created us to fulfill. The enemy knows that when we are walking in our calling, we are dangerous to his mission. Therefore, he will do everything he can with the arsenal he has to prevent that from occurring. Fear is his strongest weapon, and he is not afraid to use it.

With these things in mind, I re-read 1 Kings 19 (NIV). Elijah had just had a showdown with the prophets of Baal in the previous chapter. Of course, Satan and his minions don't handle defeat very well. Elijah was a huge ongoing threat to them. They used Jezebel to intimidate him, fill him with fear, and send him packing. After he LEFT his servant in Beersheba, he went into the wilderness. Ah, yes. Typical, isn't it? We reject fellowship and retreat into a wilderness of isolation; which is just what Satan wants. Elijah arrived at his own "swamp of sadness" (or, in his case, under a broom tree) and threw himself a pity party; full of the same kind of thoughts I was having. He also went to sleep. An angel of the Lord woke him up twice so he could eat and keep on going. Though, what REALLY got me was when the Lord asked him TWICE: 

What are you doing here, Elijah? (v. 9 & 13)

Both times, Elijah says:

I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too. (v. 10 & 14) 

Basically, he's complaining about the fact that he's tried to do the right thing for the Lord; even though the rest of the people hadn't and were trying to destroy him like they did with his fellow prophets. He's saying, "I did it right. They're doing it wrong. Woe is me! I'm all alone and everyone is out to get me!" It doesn't seem like he's really answering the Lord's question; which was more for his benefit than God's. The Lord knew what Elijah was doing there; he was giving up and running away because he was afraid. WHAT was Elijah DOING there (versus where he had come from)? He wasn't doing anything but wallowing in self-pity, depression, and fear. He wasn't living out his purpose to which he was called; he was running away from it. That is what God wanted him to realize and why he told Elijah to go back and to anoint Elisha. 

That is also what God wants ME to realize. "What are you doing here, Melissa?" Ugh, yes....what am I doing HERE in the swamp of sadness? Why did I give into fear and self-pity? Why did I run away from where I was supposed to be just to come "here"? It's a waste of time. I was right. I don't belong "here"...in the swamp of sadness. Yes, I belong to Christ (and one day will be with Him) but He is also with me NOW. My purpose is to serve where I'm at and to disciple others like Jesus commanded (Matthew 28:19-20). He's not going to take me out of here while I still have work to do for the Kingdom. I can't allow the enemy to distract me from my purpose and keep me running back to the swamp. I repent, Lord. Forgive me!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I hope that sharing all of this will help you like it helped me. What Satan tried to use against me, God turned around for His good purpose like He always does (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). It's now here on this blog for you (as well as for me whenever I need to re-read it for myself). I will continue renewing my mind with the Word and remembering things I've learned from other great books I've read as well (I highly recommend "Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts" by Jennie Allen, and "Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind" by Joyce Meyer). May we all continue to fight the good fight; keeping our armor on at all times and watching each others' backs as we lift each other up! God bless you!

Sounding Like Love

A couple days ago, the verse of the day in the You Version Bible app was Matthew 5:44. It was very timely. This is because I had just been challenged to pray in that very way the day prior. Though, it was for someone who really wasn't my enemy, but someone who was supposedly on the same side. I don' t know about you, but that seems even harder. For me, it's easier to pray for someone who is rude and hateful when they're unbelievers; rather than those who claim to be a believer. The Pharisees who have "clanging cymbal" attitudes (1 Corinthians 13:1-3) are supposed to "know" better. However, that's just it. They "know" a lot, but how well do they truly "know" HIM? At the same time, however, I very much know what it's like to live in that trap/bondage of legalism, criticism, and judgment. Therefore, I end up reminding myself that I should have MORE compassion when I encounter people that act like a past version of myself (or even a current version when I have moments of regression). I feel embarrassed when I remember my own "clanging cymbal" moments because I know that my "knowing" of Jesus is so much sweeter and deeper than it used to be.  

In another "timely" moment, I realized just how much all of that had been solidified even more. This week, I have finished reading "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom (and also watched the movie and documentary on Prime). I am so struck by so many different things. One of which is how Corrie's sister, Betsie, had a burning heart to evangelize to the Nazis and fellow prisoners; even in the midst of her own suffering. She believed that if someone could be taught to hate, they could also be taught to love. She, Corrie, and their family lived lives that truly sought to imitate Christ. It makes Paul's words really make sense. He talks about being imitators of God; and also of himself as he imitates Christ (Ephesians 5:1, 1 Corinthians 11:1). The Ten Boom family are real life examples of people who did this well. It inspires me to love genuinely; because it's vitally important if we are going to demonstrate the life-changing power of the Gospel and how His love transforms and saves us.

In the past two Sundays at church, the focus has been on the fruit of the Spirit. I want to produce good fruit; and the fruit of the Spirit is something that only Christ can produce. My word, "abide", is key to that production; because my sinful flesh can produce no good thing. So, I prayed for this person (and myself) that the fruit of the Spirit would be what grows in our hearts. I prayed for the ability to love and see the person as Jesus sees them; remembering that I too have been a blind Pharisee and not known it. Even still, I know how easy that trap is and know human pride never makes me immune and guiltless of it. This is why we need to forgive as we have been forgiven and remember that the measure we use is also measured to us as well (Luke 6:36-38). We can deceive ourselves like the rich young ruler with all the rules and good deeds, but there are ALWAYS going to be areas where we are lacking. For that, it requires honesty, surrender, repentance, and obedience to the will of Christ. 

I must choose to overcome evil with good and be kind; for love covers a multitude of sins. I must be a better imitation of the One to which I'm committed to conforming to. People MUST see more of Him and less of myself (John 3:30). I cannot allow the light in me to actually be darkness (Matthew 6:23). I don't want to just make a bunch of noise. I want to be a sweet, melodious, and beautiful sound! That can only happen if I'm filled and fueled by the love of Jesus. I want to be defined by what love is in 1 Corinthians 13; not by what it isn't.

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Pray, surrender, repent, and abide. May we be transformed every day by the renewing of our minds so we can love like Jesus. God bless you!

Cherry Coke Blessings

It's been quite the week. Yesterday, was "hump day'; and I'm sure glad that I got over it! At this point, it's been more of a "if you don't laugh, you'll cry" kind of week. It's been yet another chapter of "you can't make this stuff up." Yet, I can't help but feel full of genuine hope and thanksgiving as I realize that maybe I truly have grown and embraced "Hope" as I've leaned into my word for this year. It wasn't 'the word I had wanted or expected, but it was definitely the word that I needed' (a variation of a line from the most excellent movie "Slumberland"). 

I've just recently finished listening to the Lysa TerKeurst audiobook "It's Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered". Like most, I've had many disappointments of varying degrees in my lifetime; and quite a few in this last part of the year (including the past few days and weeks). One of the things in the book that stood out to me is how she said we are "between two gardens". Perfection only existed in Eden before the fall of man; and until we have perfection fully restored at Christ's coming, we live in the "in-between" where nothing is perfect. Thanks be to God for the choice Christ made in another garden, the Garden of Gethsemane, to make reconciliation and restoration possible! He chose to say "yes" to the cup of suffering that He knew was before Him. Because of what Christ has done, we have Salvation and Hope in our hearts! Eternity is set within us (Ecclesiastes 3:11, 2 Corinthians 1:21-22). We are not perfect, but we have Emmanuel...God with us (Matthew 1:23). HE is perfect and is the blessed focus that we ponder and cherish even more during Christmastime. He never leaves us (Deuteronomy 31:6-8, Joshua 1:5). How truly marvelous it is that we, fragile clay jars that we are, are a home for Holy Spirit (2 Corinthians 4:7). Holy Spirit is WITH us and IN us; the deposit guaranteeing what is to come (2 Corinthians 1:22, 2 Corinthians 5:5, Ephesians 1:14). He had redeemed us and called us by name and says,"You are MINE!" (Isaiah 43:1).

Faith comes by hearing the Word of God (Romans 10:17). Remembering, reading, and declaring these scriptures gives me so much peace, confidence, assurance, security, and yes.....HOPE! HE never disappoints! All that He is (and ever will be) is more than we can ever ask for or imagine (Ephesians 3:19-21). Even if things don't look like how we want or expect them to right now, we have the assurance that He is working everything out for us and that we won't be put to shame (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28, Psalm 34:5). That promise is not only for this in-between, but for eternity. We aren't going to get to heaven and be like, "this is it?" It won't be like being promised an incredible Willy Wonka Experience only to be duped and gaslighted. It won't be a long awaited series finale only to end in an unbelievable disappointment. No. Our Hope is an anchor for our souls (Hebrews 6:19). Chip Ingram describes the Biblical definition of "hope" as "a solid done deal". It's not an "if", it's a "when".

This true and solid hope is the kind of definition and picture that I need; especially right now in the midst of so much "hope deferred" that makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). The perils of "in-between" living can make us forget that real hope is beyond the temporal things. We have to look beyond the failures and disappointments and find the redemption that lies in the imperfections. Like I mentioned before, I have had a lot of examples of that recently. My most recent list consists of a freaky and crazy Nipsco power outage that resulted in a lot of fried electronics in our house (yet, thankfully, we aren't dealing with a burned down home like some others are right now). Our furnace is out, my son's TV and classic N64 is toast, and so are a few small countertop coffee appliances. And, we just discovered this morning that my beloved Yamaha piano from Sweetwater won't turn on (not gonna lie, I am crying over this one). Oh, and the saga of our van continues with even more things amiss every time we think it's "fixed." My husband is also still trying to find a new job and just found out today that the one he was "hoping" for is not going to happen. Then, there are the typical stresses and annoyances that I've been dealing with at work during our busiest time of the year. I literally feel like I'm living out scenes from "Office Space" as I do the same kinds of "TPS" tasks over and over again. Add to that the minor petty annoyances that just seem to add insult to injury. I had used my much hard-earned Dunkin' reward for my free large coffee yesterday only to have that drink taste like warm cough syrup (a taste that we've become very familiar with this past month due to whatever hacking-cough plague we've contracted and can't fully get rid of). Oh, and that delicious blueberry muffin that I also ordered on the app? Yeah, not available after all; and the substitute chocolate chip muffin just wasn't as good (and this kind of thing happens a LOT at this location). But, I smile and accept the replacement every time because I know what it's like to work in customer service. I never want to be "that" customer. I gulped down my hard earned cough-syrupy coffee with my not-so-good (and not blueberry) muffin. Though, it was my second attempt at redeeming a reward on a restaurant app that prompted me to write this post.

I went to Domino's yesterday because I had a promo for a free 5 cheese mac & cheese with a 10 dollar minimum purchase (it's not REALLY "mac" and cheese, by the way lol. It's penne; NOT macaroni....but that's another misunderstanding and somewhat disappointment lol). Not only was it not even close to the hype I've seen advertised, but that Caesar salad that I ordered? Yeah, didn't have it when I got there lol. "We only have the garden salad. Is that ok?" Hmmm....let me think. No, it's not lol. However, I accepted the garden salad and gave the employee a big smile and said "sure". Then, something else unexpectedly happened. After he had already given me my 20 oz. bottle of Cherry Coke that I ordered, he gave me a 2 liter of it as well. He said it was just a little "I'm sorry" kind of gesture. I thanked him and accepted it. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). Sometimes, that love even comes in a 2 liter bottle of Cherry Coke. We don't overcome evil with evil; we overcome it with good (Romans 12:21).....and sometimes a little soda lol.

God really is faithful! The Cherry Coke blessings have been abundant! A friend of ours lent us a bunch of space heaters when my husband had called to see if he happened to have the part to our burned out furnace that we needed. The furnace itself is actually going to be temporarily fixed when the part we ordered gets here, but we're getting a new furnace due to the great timing and generosity of another friend who has one to give (and install) for us at a later date. Yeah, you read that right! A new furnace was something we were going to ultimately need in the near future anyways (and the one we have isn't actually adequate for the size of our house) so we feel really blessed that we are going to have what we DO need. The parts for the van are also things that are fixable and not too expensive (and Uncle Frank continues to be a blessing in helping us fix it!). And, with the exception of the N64 (and possibly my piano), we have spares of the other things that got burned out. I'm just glad it wasn't something like the washer, dryer, fridge, etc. We're going to order a new power supply for the piano (and pray that that's all it is). The office stuff? Yeah, I'll get through it (and I got caught up on those "TPS" reports yesterday lol). 

December 2013

Brokenness, messed up orders, and fried appliances aren't ideal, but there is restoration, replacement, and kindness that covers all those little things; AND the big things too. In fact, today marks 11 years of Chris and I being together. For many reasons I won't get into, we shouldn't have been able to make it together this far....but GOD! CHRIST covers ALL things big and small; and His blood goes a lot further than just a gift of soda sugary love! A bottle of soda may make me smile and feel a little better (and a bit more "seen") in the moment. Bigger than that, though, the love of Jesus ALWAYS makes me feel secure, loved, known, and truly hopeful and assured. He's my bread of life. He provides for us; and I trust Him to also give Chris the best job at the right time just like He did the past four times. What He did before, He WILL do again. That's my Hope, because my Hope is in Him and not people. God's promises are "a solid done deal" that I can bank on. He keeps telling me, "Don't worry, little sparrow." I won't. His hand of favor is on me and my family. I know this and I trust Him. The blood of Jesus cannot fail me and it covers my "in-between" life.

Grace and peace to you, my friends! There is peace that transcends all understanding as we bring all our prayers and petitions to God with THANKSGIVING (Philippians 4:5-7). Praise Him! Emmanuel is WITH you; ALWAYS! Stay anchored and remember that you are worth more than many sparrows (Matthew 10:31, Luke 12:7). God bless you!

Releasing Worry & Trusting God: Leaning In

Last month, when I posted "Releasing Worry & Trusting God: Manna Moments", I had no idea how much I was going to need it for myself! I have revisited it a few times; and not just because I was planning on making a "part two" post. My intent was to go deeper by exploring how to have faith when things are REALLY hard and not looking like it's going to work out the way we think. Trouble and conflict will always be present in life; and people and circumstances will frequently fail to meet our expectations. So, I was going to focus even more on the faith aspect of things by talking about people like Joseph, Job, and even Jesus. They all persevered through hardships because they knew and trusted the Lord as well as His purpose and timing. However, I was reminded (through my own current hardships) that focusing only on the faith aspect overlooks a very important part: the emotions in our heart. We can absorb the truth, change our mindset, and soak in His promises and white-knuckle it through the hard stuff, but if we don't address the heart, it's incomplete.

So, what do you do when your faith and emotions seem so entangled? What do you do in the MOMENT when things are fresh, raw, real, and overwhelming? How do you have faith when you're sold into slavery and eventually end up in prison for something you didn't do (Joseph)? How do you not fall apart when your family and livelihood gets wiped out and you're afflicted with physical turmoil too (Job)? How do you embrace being "strong and courageous" (Joshua) when you have to rise up to a monumental task or you're on the run from someone who wants to kill you (David)? How do you deal with sitting inside a prison wondering if Jesus really is the Messiah you thought He was (John the Baptist)? How do you cope when things don't look or feel very good and Romans 8:28 doesn't appear to be "working out for good" the way everyone tells you it will? 

Having faith doesn't mean that we can't feel. In fact, acknowledging and dealing with our deep feelings of fear, worry, sadness, etc. is what helps us build our faith even more when we face it and allow Christ to bring healing and wholeness. When we bury unpleasant and perceived negative emotions and trauma, we end up building up walls of protection and reacting out of an unhealthy and broken place.

The irony of all this is obviously timely. We haven't told many up until now, but my husband lost his job again; third time in two years. So, now my "part two" comes from the fresh experiences and perspective of an insider rather than a hindsighter or sideliner (if those even count as words).

On March 31st, I was at work and saw that Chris was calling my phone; and somehow, I knew in my gut what he was going to say. Yet, when he told me, I was calm. Maybe that was the initial grief stage of shock/denial, but I felt relieved. No more toxic workplace or dangerous and gas guzzling long commutes! I also felt confident that this recycled experience was old hash and we'd be fine. I knew that greater opportunities and blessings were ahead, so I was determined to be positive and full of faith. Yet, I knew my emotions would eventually catch up and I didn't want to deceive myself into thinking that they wouldn't. I know how grief works and that there would be more stages to come (anger, bargaining, acceptance). Those stages can also skip around and cycle. Yet, no matter how much you try to prepare yourself for an emotional roller coaster, it's never as easy as you tell yourself it will be. In fact, I think I've made it harder on myself by trying NOT to feel; even though I recently read a book about embracing emotions and processing/healing them through Christ. So, I suppressed my feelings as much as possible; because guilt would nag at me if I felt anything negative. I felt that leaning in to learn would lead to me giving in and sinking in (my all-or-nothing mentality rearing its head, of course). So, I would just pray and make myself re-read Psalm 34; concentrating on my word for the year (refuge) and remind myself that I already knew this year was going to be hard. "No shadow of shame is going to darken our faces....He's close to the broken hearted....He's going to rescue us....He's our Refuge." Those were/are the things I kept coming back to and soaking in. I also read Psalm 86 & 91  and thought about the things I learned in Chip Ingram's series "Finding God When You Need Him Most" that I listened to a few years ago. I was determined not to sink into a "swamp of sadness" like that foolish horse in "The Neverending Story" (which is the image that frequently comes to mind every time I think I'm starting to give into a quicksand of depression and despair). I even went back and re-read my "Manna Moments" post a few times; feeling encouraged and guilty at the same time as I "ye of little faith" finger pointed at myself for feeling even a smidge of fear, worry, or grief.

It wasn't until the Good Friday production of "The Passion" that I had a fresh revelation. Over every rehearsal and performance since I've been involved with 3:16 Community Theatre,  I've been ministered to and transformed in some way. It certainly was good medicine for me to be immersed in these performances these past couple weeks. Much like a recent Facebook post I shared, the REAL Jesus showed up through Jesse (the actor that played Jesus this year) and ministered to my heart! At one point, I was in the process of walking around "Jerusalem" before the show and felt so heavy-hearted because Chris and I had just learned that day that the job he was certain he was going to get wasn't meant to be. I kept telling myself that I needed to snap out of it and remember to "walk on the water" and keep my eyes on Jesus. I started praying in the Spirit; giving thanks, praising, and reciting parts of the Psalms to encourage myself. I just didn't have time for a fresh cycle of grief! I needed to "Paul and Silas" my way out of this with some chain loosening and wall shaking praise and prayers! But, if you're like me, even when you press that "emotion override" button to walk in faith, it can still feel awkward and fake because you still feel the hurt. That's when I felt God saying, "It's going to be ok, Melissa." I teared up and asked, "When?" Then, I heard that word, "Soon." I thought of that part in "The Chosen" (S2, Ep2) where Jesus says, "Ah, there's that word. Soon. It's the most imprecise thing in the world. What is soon? A few hours? A few days? Years? A hundred years? A thousand years? Ask my father in heaven how long a thousand years is. Then, talk to me about 'soon'."

As I thought about how long our "soon" would be, I wondered what I was supposed to do with all the emotions that I didn't know how to get rid of. I walked around and started thinking about Jesse and how he would grieve in the garden that night while we would sing, "Could you not tarry with me one hour? Could you not watch and pray while I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders....". It made me think of Dutch Sheets post about Jesus in Gethsemane; describing His agony and grief as He anticipated what needed to be done for us and how painful it would be. He had the weight of the world on His shoulders. He grieved deeply, but could (and did) say, "not my will, but yours be done."  Jesus experienced and expressed those difficult emotions and hurt to God AND still had faith at the same time. Faith and emotions can coexist! Much like when we're told that we can "be angry and sin not" (Ephesians 4:26). We are allowed to feel what we feel; it's just how we respond and heal that matters. .  

I wanted to kick myself for being so dull! How many times have I been the one to weep with people and encourage them to grieve; telling them to give themselves permission to do so? Yet, I had forgotten to give MYSELF permission to grieve because somehow I got it in my head that grief and faith couldn't exist together! I had to tell myself, "You're not weak because you hurt and mourn. Being strong doesn't mean you can't be broken. Brokenness DOES make me stronger."

Later that night, I mentioned my moment to my Chris. I said, "It's ok to hurt and to grieve. Faith doesn't mean we don't feel. Jesus grieved in agony in the garden...grieving in ours doesn't mean we don't have faith....I don't know what our 'soon' looks like, but I know our God and I know us. I know that I love you and am proud of you and that that remains true." It reminds me of the songs I've added to my HeartSpeak playlist this month. I know I can be confident that we can continue to be "Broken Together". We'll "Be Held", and find healing on the other side of "When We Fall Apart." 

THAT is the difference between "leaning in" and "sinking in". As a counselor friend of mine once said, "When we're broken, we're teachable." Brokenness really does teach us, grow us, refine us, and bring us fresh revelation and renewal. How often do we truly attain it any other way? How much stronger do we actually BECOME when we ARE broken and our exposed weaknesses have a chance to mend (IF we surrender to the One who can heal us)? We have a much greater opportunity to gain wisdom and understanding when we are going THROUGH pain and hardship because we're more open and vulnerable. Think about it. How open and teachable are we when we're in a state of self-perceived strength and wholeness? Our pride can get the better of us! We're at the peak of the mountaintop basking in victory and glory; forgetting that we were once in the valley and the struggle we went through to get to our highest points. Trouble in the valley seems so far removed when we feel on top of the world. But, that strength came at a cost. We had to go THROUGH the pain and hardship. "Through" being that key word. We walk THROUGH the valley; we don't pitch a tent and live there. He walks WITH us (and maybe some supportive brothers and sisters walk alongside us as well). THROUGH it, we acquire a new perspective that we might not have ever gained otherwise. If we are willing to sustain the pressing and crushing, that new wine will come! We can do ALL things THROUGH Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). Yes, listening to and leaning into that brokenness is hard, but it's far less painful in the long run. If we allow ourselves to feel and listen to the pain and emotions, as if they're dashboard lights on our souls, we can understand and let Jesus fix what's going on underneath the hood. Then, we can move forward IN and WITH faith after Jesus has met us in our pain and helped us release it and heal. 

I think the problem with leaning in (at least for me), is that I frequently become overly cautious about unpleasant emotions. I want to avoid getting stuck in a deep well of sadness and self-pity. Therefore, it causes me to toughen up too much and put on that strong brave face; often resulting in avoiding and suppressing the pain. I should probably keep these two verses in mind: 

 

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.                                                                                                                         -Proverbs 14:13. 

Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us.                                                                                                                                       - Ecclesiastes 7:3.

 

Ignoring and suppressing emotions doesn't make them go away. That grief is still hidden behind that "brave face" and will leak out in other ways.This is NOT GOOD, and I KNOW that. In fact, I already learned and blogged this two years ago, so how could I have forgotten this so quickly; and ESPECIALLY after just READING a book about healing emotions?! My gosh, I really am a sheep; having to learn things over and over again. However, my Shepherd is so loving and patient. Growth and learning is a lifetime process. In this world, we will have trouble (John 16:33). Trouble happens over and over again; it has no end in this fallen world. So, we keep on learning and being tested; and hopefully, we find that we have "leveled up" and are gaining more XP (experience points, in case you don't speak gamer lol). For those of us in Christ, our hope is in that second part of John 16:33. We can take heart because Jesus has overcome the world and He doesn't waste our pain! It really can and does refine us! He really does work it out for good like Romans 8:28 says because of that important second part of that verse as well: for those that are CALLED according to HIS purpose! Yes, WE are CALLED to a purpose; HIS purpose. A purpose and plan beyond our pain and circumstances. He's always working it out for that Kingdom plan. But, in that moment where our faith and emotions seem messy and intermingled, it is OK to just be still and know that He's God; and that's enough. He'll sit with us in our pain and we'll just "be" and grieve for a bit.  

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Whatever we're facing, He'll heal and deliver us from it for His purpose and glory. Be still and know that He's God! Let your brokenness make you teachable! Allow Christ to help you discover the gems that are hidden in your pain and are waiting to be unearthed! Grief and tears aren't a waste of your time. Your tears are precious to Him and He collects them all (Psalm 56:8). Never forget that you are worth more than many sparrows (Matthew 10:31, Luke 12:7). Lean into the pain, but not too much to where you slip into despair. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (James 4:8). Stay anchored in your faith with prayer and praise; it will shake and break chains/strongholds and set you free (and do the same for others as well who witness your testimony). Paul and Silas can attest to that! God bless you!

****

Experiencing God When You Get a Raw Deal 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xM-tTs0q8Y 

Experiencing God in Times of Crisis

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04Z_WCWII_Q  

Experiencing God When You Feel Like a Nobody, Going Nowhere

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9XEyZgX_fM 

 Experiencing God When You’re Troubled and Depressed

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O4xYD1lfB4 

Experiencing God When You are Gripped by Fear

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MY7hES1oOOA 

Experiencing God When You’ve Blown it Big Time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQTMbNeGBLo 

Experiencing God in Times of Confusion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nykRgLfqkpQ

My Word for 2022: Refuge

This is the third year that I've sought a "word". My past two words ("Isaiah 40" and "Come"), have been amazing! It has been a blessing to have this kind of reminder and anchor throughout the year. "Come" has really been fitting for me in 2021 as I've stepped forward into the things God has been inviting me into. There has been so much growth and blessings!

For this year, I really wasn't sure how to begin discovering my new word. Though, I knew I could trust the fact that if I sought and pursued the Lord, I would find it (Isaiah 55:6, Matthew 7:7-8, Luke 11:9-10). In my mind, that blank drawing board felt a little daunting. Yet, I had to remind myself that it wasn't up to me to manufacture anything or pull something out of thin air. Even so, I still initially tried to grab at a word that I "thought" might fit, but it didn't fully resonate or feel legit. It clearly wasn't what God had in mind (another lesson learned from that Christine Caine video I re-watched recently). God took me in the direction that He wanted; just like He always does. Prayer, fasting, journaling, singing/worshiping, and having my five senses alert and aware is what makes it possible for me to hear from God through all the noise of life. You really do just have to be "be still" and "wait on the Lord". You'll find Him (and He'll find YOU) in your daily business and choose seemingly random and sudden moments to pop up and stand out.

The first sudden "pop up" came when I was listening to an audio book during my work commute. The book is "Uninvited: Living Loved when You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely" by Lysa Terkeurst. This book has been an amazing read for me for so many reasons; and I HIGHLY and strongly recommend it if you've ever struggled with the things in that title (and who hasn't?!). Not coincidentally, the content has echoed a good portion of that Christine Caine video. Though, this fact alone wasn't the BIG "pop up". It was when the narrator started reciting verses from Psalm 34. Every time I heard her say "Psalm 34" I felt that sacred pause within me. "Wait! Psalm 34? Why does this feel particularly significant?" I knew there had to be a reason and I couldn't wait to read it in its entirety and find out why!

When I read it, the familiarity triggered me again. I felt that I had journaled this a few months ago. That's where my precious and priceless blue notebook comes in (see side post about how vital my notebooks have become to me). I leafed backwards in time to the page dated May 20, 2021. Right there on the page, I had written "Psalm 34"! WOW! I was amazed; but also could have sworn that it was a different Psalm (and that it possibly started or ended with a "7"). It didn't sound like the Psalm I remembered reading at that time. The Psalm had perfectly spoken to my heart regarding the events that were about to unfold the next day. Oh, well. It said Psalm 34 so I took my own word for it. Had I actually READ my notes/paraphrases following that "Psalm 34" that I wrote down, I would have realized why...but more on that later.

So, now I had my two signs; that initial mention that stood out to me, and my own mention from a few months before. I figured that this was likely where I was supposed to focus, but I like to go for "3" to be sure. Wouldn't you know, I got my third as I was scrolling through my feed and saw that one of my brothers in Christ posted something. Within that post, he shared a verse....it and it came from Psalm 34 (verse 18, to be specific). Hallelujah!

Of course, the work wasn't complete yet. I was wondering whether I was going to get a single word from it, or if it was going to be like when I got "Isaiah 40" (which I also pulled some sub-words from). I sensed it would be one word. So, I just kept reading it and walking through the process. The one thing that I knew was that I loved this Psalm! I felt seen, loved, protected, safe, and secure in Christ. It is VERY comforting and EXACTLY what I've been needing! I even found a Psalm 34 song from the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir on YouTube to add to my "HeartSpeak" playlists that I make each month.

My next "pop up" came as I was listening to the book again. It happened when she said the word "refuge." My spirit paused within me again and I was like, "Is this it? Is this my word?" The word DOES show up within the Psalm and basically sums it up. Once again, I wanted to be sure, so I waited for another "pop up". It came in one of the typical "pop up" ways that I've been getting used to. When I see a number that strikes me as unusual or significant, I look it up in the Bible app to see what chapters and verses correspond with it; and there's always a verse that tends to stand out. The number can be anything from the time on a clock, a total on a receipt, an amount in my bank account, etc. This time, the number came from $17.77. When I saw it, I knew I'd have to look up 17:7 in the Bible app. I'm telling you, sometimes it feels like a Bob Barker "The Price is Right" moment where he's teasing the contestant right before the big reveal of something to see if it's there and then they win. I was anticipating this win; feeling strongly that within these 17:7's, the word "refuge" would appear.

As I scrolled down the list, I came to Psalm 17:7 which read:

Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways. By your mighty power you rescue those who seek refuge from their enemies.

*Cue the game show "dings" for the big winner!*

Whoomp, there it is!! I was jumping up and down in my mind as the word lit up in huge neon lights and the canons of streamers and confetti exploded!!!

As a bonus prize, these two verses spoke straight to my heart as well:

But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence - Jeremiah 17:7.

Then at last the people will look to their Creator and turn their eyes to the Holy One of Israel. - Isaiah 17:7.

"Well, that's a wrap!" I thought. However (in addition to diving into the concordance on Bible Hub) there was one more hidden "Easter egg" so to speak. While revisiting my blue notebook entry again, I was just in awe of how Psalm 34 was right there; but it still seemed weird. I started reading my notes and realized it wasn't describing Psalm 34! I typed in some of the words in my Bible app and saw that what I was describing was Psalm 37!! By golly, I remembered right! It DID have a 7 in it (whoa, what's with all these 7's lol?). I don't know why the Melissa in May wrote down Psalm 34 when she clearly meant to write down Psalm 37 (and I had even posted about its significance at the time), but GOD knew!! HE KNEW! What an AMAZING example of how He works everything out for good for those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). I made a mistake when I wrote down the wrong number, but He turned it into the RIGHT number at the RIGHT TIME for HIS purpose! What a wonderful and simple way to show me how redeemable and transformable I am in His hands! He really does take my mess and make things new and beautiful!

As blessed as this word is, and all the comfort and security it brings me, I feel there is a bigger reason for it. However, I won't taint this post with doom and gloom with some of the things that I'm sensing in my spirit. I'm going to cling to this word and marinate in Psalm 34. I don't want to get ahead of things or anticipate things that are unclear or may not even be a possibility. However, I know that I need to be prepared, vigilant, and prayed up for whatever may come. Jesus said there would be trouble; it's inevitable. BUT, He has overcome it all and there's no reason to worry (John 16:33). Even if what I sense does come to pass, no amount of preparation or premature grieving will help it or stop it. He is MY refuge! He's my safe place; my security, protection, and provision. All my hope, faith, and trust is in Him; always. He has already gotten me through many dark times. He'll never abandon me and He'll always walk through the fire WITH me to the other side! He's demonstrated His faithfulness over and over again to me. I believe Him. I trust Him!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! May His blessings and favor be poured out on you and your family in the coming year! May His hand of protection be on you and His angels surround you! God bless you always!

Embracing the Offensive God

Have you ever had a day that seemed like it had a "theme"; like it was an episode of a sitcom and you were trying to learn the overall lesson that was blanketed over it? That was my day yesterday and I felt like everything else that was not part of the dive into the rabbit hole just faded into the background like the typical clutter of ordinary days. 

The things that God revealed to my heart are so numerous that it's hard to even determine the origin of how I began my plunge into the depths. Though, I suppose it began as I was praying in the Spirit (as has been becoming my regular habit in the mornings). As I continued to do this on my commute to work, I remembered that I had just a few minutes left on the audio book that I had been listening to on the Hoopla app and decided to resume listening (by the way, this app is such a gift! You use your library card to check out free e-books and audio books!). 

To give you a little background, this book is "Jesus and the Disinherited" by Howard Thurman. This book was recommended by Ashley Siri; who recently shared about it in her message at church. It's unlike anything I expected. In fact, I don't think I knew what to expect at all. There is so much to unpack and contemplate in such a short book! I don't know how he got so many layers into it, but I think I'm going to have to go through it again (probably in e-book or physical book form) because the depth of the content is so stirring that you have to slow down. I had no idea what I was diving into; only that the title and subject matter was enough to draw me in. I'll try to untangle some of the web of wisdom from it, but I don't know if I can yet. I found myself thinking so much about what was said that I couldn't catch up to the next thing that was being described. 

As I went into work, my mind and heart was once again turning over the things I had heard; which seemed to be parallel with what I was already meditating on from this past week. If I were to attempt to summarize it in one word, I guess all I can really say is that maybe it all boils down to this one thing: offense. 

Offense comes in many forms and is experienced on all sorts of levels. When we are offended, we typically feel threatened and/or attacked. These threats and attacks are seen through the lenses of our culture, wounding, experiences, faith background, gender, skin color, you name it! All the facets that make up our identity contribute to how we see, experience, and perceive things. Howard Thurman did an excellent job of presenting the perspectives from all the various angles and stirs up the empathy and curiosity needed to stop, think, and truly take the time to understand. I wonder if he ever could have imagined the kind of "cancel culture" that currently exists which is all based around offense? If more people would read this book, we might actually stop this madness and begin the process of healing and unifying together! It just might help us tear down the walls of pride and protection that get built up as a result of the pain, anger, and unforgiveness that offense ushers in.

It's no coincidence that one of the many stories that he mentioned was a story that I was wanting to revisit and go deeper into ever since last weekend. It's the story in Matthew 15:21-28 where the Canaanite woman pursues Jesus for her daughter's healing. Fady, one of the IHOP students that I met last weekend, was talking about it with me as we were discussing persistence and contention for Casey's healing to come for his ears. He mentioned that on the surface, Jesus' encounter with the woman seemed so cold and offensive (I'm not going to go into all my deep digging, but here's a helpful explanation to get you started), but that we have to learn to embrace the "offensive God"; being relentless in our belief and pursuit of Him. No matter no matter how hard it is, we need to know and believe that He is GOOD! We'll receive our reward; just like the Canaanite woman and the persistent widow. We must keep contending!

This is EXACTLY the kind of thing that Howard Thurman goes to great lengths to explain in the book because we have to reconcile the offenses if we're to embrace Jesus and others. Breakthrough and healing can't come otherwise! It can be a hard thing; just read John 6:60-71! This is the part where many disciples desert Jesus. He outright asked "Does this offend you?" and asked His apostles if they too wanted to leave. Peter says, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” 

Oh, if we all could respond like Peter! Lord, we BELIEVE and KNOW who you are! There is no other that we can run to! If we cannot accept your words, which are words of eternal life, what words can we accept?! If your words offend us to the point where we become prideful, hardened, and unaccepting, we are bankrupt! Help us to work through every offense; whether it's offense at you or others. Help us to USE our offenses to run diagnostics on our soul so that we can discover our wounds and ask you to heal them (wow, it just dawned on me that this stuff is what we learned about in Vine school regarding healing prayer)!

As I continued to explore the depths of "offense", verse 71 jumped out at me because it mentioned Judas. So, I started exploring Judas. I found that it was after one of Jesus' anointings at Bethany (oh man, there's another side trail I won't go into but wow....check this out!) that Judas went to the Pharisees to discuss handing over Jesus. Why? It was more than just his selfishness and love of money. Judas, like the Pharisees, was offended at Jesus. His teachings, healings, and His display of mercy and compassion (even to "sinners"), were offensive to them. The hate and offenses that they had in their heart for "that" kind of woman, or for a tax collector, a gentile, a Roman, etc....was just too much to contend with. They could not accept it and rather than open their hardened hearts to the words of life and make it a WAY of life, their pride and hatred determined that it was too hard to embrace. 

As I kept digging in and praying over all of this, I brought my "offenses" to Jesus about Casey's healing. I know that he/we have to contend for it; and that realization is "offensive." Fady was also the one that talked about the story of the blind man, which contains the verse that God pointed out to me when Casey was a baby and we found out he couldn't hear: 

Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. - John 9:3. 

I have always believed that God's glory would be displayed in Casey. Up until recently, I thought that that was all that it meant (God definitely displays His glory through Casey in many ways!). It's not that I didn't want or ask for Casey to be healed and for THAT kind of glory to be displayed, but I had embraced Job's words of "shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" Now, I have regrets regarding how infrequently we contended for healing in 18 years and how hard we have to contend for it now. Yet, I know God's timing and wisdom is infinitely greater than anything I can understand. God's grace covers all of this! I believe in who He is and His words of life and healing over Casey; and that it will happen for HIS glory and benefit when HE decides it's the most beneficial. I release the offense of not seeing it "yet" and believe that I WILL see it at some point. 

After releasing so much to the Lord, I felt like He was telling me to get my notebook from my purse. I write in it when He gives me insight. There is also a note tucked inside it. It's a page of prophetic words that were given to me by a very precious and dear friend of mine. I have read this note many times, and I felt Him saying "read it again." It wasn't until I reached the last part of it that I just stopped and started tearing up: "....walk out your calling - you are doing it! - even if it feels like it's slow & steady. Rest in the ordinary - in the gradual unfolding - He's got you!"  

Whoomp, there it is, folks!! Yet another confirmation that God is going to heal Casey's ears because these are the words that Casey heard himself! I don't know WHY it has to be "slow & steady" or WHEN it will happen, but it WILL! Waiting is hard because we don't know how long we are waiting (ask Abraham and Sarah!). Dear Lord, help me with this "gradual unfolding" and this "slow & steady" pace! It's like our outgoing Vineyard leader, Phil Strout, has said: we live in a "microwave culture" but with God, it's a "crockpot Kingdom."

It only gets more intense from here, folks! After that moment, I was due for an appointment to take Casey's hearing aids to the audiologist for repairs because they recently stopped functioning. Well, most specifically, the hearing aid for his "good ear" is acting up again; and we were JUST at the audiologist on April 1st and everything was fine! I thought maybe it was a sign; that God is taking them away because He won't be needing them (I sure hope so!). Of course, as of this moment, that isn't the case; still waiting for him to not need them to hear. In the meantime, Casey has to rely on lip-reading and sign language to communicate (which makes everything harder for him, his teachers, and all of us who interact with him). If there's anything I'm still struggling with, it's that. It's bad enough that Casey isn't healed yet, but to be without his hearing aids on top of it? Though, I just got a call before posting this that I can pick them up already and that they're good to go (thank you, Jesus!). 

When I left the audiologist yesterday, I started playing the remainder of the book on my Hoopla app while driving to the pharmacy drive-thru at Meijer. As I pulled up, I saw a blind man with his seeing eye dog. I know this man, so I stopped to talk with him and congratulate him on his new friend. As we were conversing, I asked him how long he'd been blind. He said his whole life; since like 18 months and that he couldn't see at all. He said his eyes were like glass. I told him I would love to pray for him and that I had a hearing impaired son whom I am currently contending for for healing. Then, he said the most heartbreaking thing ever: "I don't have the faith for that....I don't share your faith...I have seen too much, like with that girl running down those three kids at the bus stop, that I don't think anyone is in charge." He apologized a couple different times and said that was just how he felt. I just never would have thought this about him. He wasn't even angry when he said it and I have observed nothing but a kind spirit from this guy in all the time I've known him. I never would have guessed that this was where his heart was. I told him that I have seen the opposite; that even at my lowest when I was going through my divorce and feeling numb, God brought me back. I told him I had experienced so much that I knew He had to be real. "I'm sorry. I just don't share your faith," he said. I was at a loss for words, but one of the last things I said before we parted ways was that I hoped God would meet him where he was at. 

After I picked up my prescription and started the drive home, I prayed out loud: "Lord, he may not have the faith for it, but I do. Open his eyes, in the name of Jesus." I felt the Lord say, "I can't." Wait, what? "I can't. He's blind." Uh, yeah...obviously! Then, I remembered the book I was listening to and all I had learned that day. He's BLIND! He's blind like the Pharisees! Until his spiritual eyes see first, he can't comprehend the things of God or have the faith to accept and receive healing for his physical eyes:

And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. - 2 Corinthians 4:3-4. 

Later on in the evening, I was telling my husband about this encounter; that I first needed to pray for the veil to be lifted and this man's spiritual eyes to be opened first (not coincidentally, I recently read all about this in "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets). What we both have seen in life has been very different. He cannot see what I see because he doesn't have the lens of faith. I told Chris, "He has to have an encounter with Jesus first before He can see...." That's when I heard my own words and I stopped. That's what Victor had told me the night we were all praying for Casey! It's not like Casey doesn't already know and encounter Jesus, but this is obviously going to be something bigger and more powerful than anything he's ever experienced. It also dawned on me as I was praying this morning that just like the blind man has to "see" Jesus, Casey needs to "hear" Him. Casey often takes the voice of God literally; saying that he doesn't think he can hear Him because God's voice is a gentle whisper and "still small voice" and he says "I can't hear that because He's too quiet." I've been trying to encourage Casey to listen for God's voice with his heart/mind, but he's having a hard time comprehending what that means. Maybe that's the encounter and revelation we need to be praying for; that Casey will understand how to hear God's voice with his spiritual ears so the healing can come for his physical ears! We all know that this breakthrough is close and Gianna has shared with me a vision she had about him getting healed. I started to type it out here, but then felt like I wasn't supposed to publicly reveal the details. I'll hold onto it for now. All I know is that Jesus is the unveiler, revealer, and healer! We'll keep contending and pressing in, but it's all up to HIM! He does the work. He determines, the when, where, and how of it. 

One more thing that happened as I cried and prayed on my way to work was when I was asking God WHY He would even tell us about Casey being healed when it hasn't happened yet. Why even let us know it was coming and have us impatiently waiting for it? Why not just surprise us with it? I know He can do whatever and whenever; and I have learned to expect it. That's when He reminded me that up until a few months ago, Casey did not. He didn't think miracles like this still happened today. He thought it was only "back then" and he didn't have the faith for it anymore than the blind man does for his. God had to create that expectation for him and tell him it was coming. It was for Casey's sake, not mine, that we had to be told that it is on the way. Last Fall, we thought Casey was losing hearing and started going after his healing. Casey started taking it seriously and he had many powerful experiences with the Holy Spirit since then where we've been praying for him and he felt the presence of God. How kind of God to prep Casey; knowing that with his autism, it is helpful for him to have an awareness of what to expect. He had to lift that veil and show him that healing IS possible and still happens! Ever since then, he has been believing and asking for it! As a mom, it's hard to step back, but this is primarily between Casey and the Lord. These are his ears and his testimony. I want it so badly for him, but Fady's testimony of how his mom stepped back and let go (regarding his sister's healing) has been speaking to me too. As soon as she let go, God did His work in his sister. Alright, Lord, he's all yours! Work it out with him. You're in charge of this!

I feel so incredibly blessed by all the Lord showed me. Praying and digging into His Word really does bring about answers! Another book that I need to read or listen to again is "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. That's probably the most insightful book I've ever read regarding overcoming offense and learning to forgive! I strongly encourage you to check it out if you've read this long post of mine and find yourself wanting to know more! ;) My thanks to everyone who has been with Casey on this journey and those that have ministered to me as well. We're going to see a victory! Contend with me for Casey's healing and pray for that encounter that is going to bring it and for him to have his spiritual ears fully opened! Thank you, and amen!