How Desperate Are We?

 "Just receive." That was the godly wisdom that was given to me by at least two different individuals as I was sharing about my big breakthrough. I had come to the Holy Spirit conference this past weekend full of hope and expectation; and the Lord didn't disappoint. 

It started on Friday night with praise and worship. At one point, people were raising their hands to receive prayer, so I raised mine for healing. My physical pain has reached an intolerable level in my back. The degeneration, arthritis, and inflammation is starting to make walking a lot harder. My feet always feel like I've been standing on concrete all day and my right leg gets so tight to where no amount of stretching loosens anything. I'm 41, but feeling like 81; moving slower and with so much effort that it's exhausting. I've prayed and pleaded for healing, but knew that even Paul wasn't relieved of whatever thorn he had in his side. I've truly been trying to make peace with living with it until I'm either healed here or in heaven. I pray, take medicine and vitamins, wear my back brace, and endure every day knowing that His grace is sufficient for me. 

This is what I reiterated to the young man that prayed for me. He felt a lot of heat as he was praying, but I wasn't feeling it yet. I knew it took time, and even Steve Nicholson (the speaker for the weekend) walked by and assured him that he wasn't done yet. The young man, who was also named Steve, kept praying. I also prayed over him and encouraged him as well. I told him that I was still very hopeful and would keep waiting to see what the Lord was going to do over the weekend. 

When I went to bed that night, it was a rough sleep. I woke up frequently because my pain was really bad; especially in my feet. Tingly, pins and needles, fire, you name it. It was super uncomfortable. Usually, even with pain, I can get to sleep quickly and usually stay asleep for the most part. Still, I was hoping for something better the next morning. 

For the first session on Saturday morning, Steve Nicholson began his message/teaching. It reminded me of the John Wimber Signs and Wonders Conference  (check it out if you never have; it's worth it!). For someone as incredibly sensitive and empathic as I am, it is pretty much a certainty that when Holy Spirit is being talked about, I'm going to be overwhelmed by Him. Right on cue, Holy Spirit took over as Steve was talking about Him; even before he started officially inviting Him to come upon us all and he started looking for signs of Him moving in people. I was used to the uncontrollable twitches, shakes, heat, and racing heart (as well as the likelihood that I would fall down if I attempted to stand up). In fact, there was a moment this weekend where my Fit Bit buzzed me and said that it detected a high heart rate even though I appeared to be immobile. I had to laugh to myself. I wasn't moving, but Holy Spirit sure was! I was sitting down, but the Lord was the one that was active!

I don't know if I can recall a time where I felt so electric (especially my hands)! I've felt it before, but the intensity was off the charts! He asked those who were experiencing it to come forward. I was eager to do so, but knew I had to be careful because I knew I was going down. I made it to the front and sat down before my body gave out under the power. It was overwhelming; and he kept saying "more, Lord." I was like, "Oh, Lord, how can I possible handle any more?!" At one point, he called out "self doubt" and I felt myself tense up and release a couple times. Then, the unavoidable moment where I involuntarily screamed a couple times as this huge wave of intense emotion bubbled up like a volcano and the pressure just burst forth; and I felt myself go limp in the chair as I cried and people prayed over me. It's still hard not to feel a little embarrassed and that others will just see me as being loud and dramatic (but I promise you, this isn't by choice). Thankfully, there's always others that are allowing Holy Spirit to work in them too, and you hear all sorts of things. Steve frequently reminded everyone that they're happy sounds; sounds of freedom, healing, and release. He's right. Any time I've ever had a moment like this, it's been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

This is when God broke through to me in a mighty way. He told me I was storing pain in my body, and then showed me a vision of Christ on the cross. That's where all the sins went; on Him. The perfect lamb. The scapegoat. I realized that God was telling me that Christ already took on all the sins of the world. He carried them. That was His job, not mine. Not that I intentionally WANTED to hold onto mine or anyone else's sins, pains, or ailments in my body; I just hadn't realized that that's what I was doing or how to effectively empty myself of it. He was reminding me that I wasn't supposed to be carrying what He already had. He was telling me to GIVE back to Him what He already died for. He allows me to feel deep empathy and emotion; enabling me to love and have compassion for others. I needed to know how to only feel it for the moment rather than feel/carry it for way too long. Whatever I feel in my heart and my body, I need to give it back to Jesus so that He can bring the healing for it; both for me and to share with others.

As I shared with a few people after the first session, I was encouraged to just keep receiving from Him; especially as I got more prayer for my back. It's hard sometimes, because I always want to be praying, engaging, and connecting. It really is important to just be still and wait. I started noticing that my feet weren't hurting anymore and I felt oddly taller. Some of the tightness in my leg was coming and going as well. My back was feeling downgraded in the pain level. In fact, I took off my back brace after that to experience the rest of the weekend without it. I haven't dared to be out and about without it since I first started wearing it last year, but I wanted to see if I could get a better gauge on where I was at. 

Saturday night, I couldn't stop smiling and felt like I was sleeping/resting in a truly "heavenly peace." I slept WAY BETTER than I had the night before! In fact, my husband's sleep on both nights mirrored mine; or, rather, I think I mirrored his that first night. I remembered just how often that happens and that it's probably some of the stuff I've unintentionally absorbed/stored. I prayed for and released/rebuked it. I even did the same with my high blood pressure and sleep apnea; because I didn't have either of those until Chris had it. I've also often prayed about generational health problems as well. I'll just have to keep giving it all back to Jesus and keep receiving the healing. 

I'm glad I had that personal moment, because it helped me as I prayed for and loved on so many other ladies later on. There was a lot I was able to share with them from the Lord, and I finally felt like I could experience all the various emotions around me without them "sticking" to me. I was able to have a chance to see if I could be rubber instead of glue; letting things bounce off and stick to the cross where it belonged after I felt whatever I was meant to feel in the moment and then release any sad or traumatic things that I was feeling around me. At one point, I and another woman that I was praying over, were breathing in that life-giving breath of God in sync with each other and feeling such peace and joy. That kind of symbiotic emotion is WONDERFUL to experience, embrace, remember, and hold onto forever! 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! All of this is but a fraction of all the amazing things I could share about this weekend. It was so rich in worship, fellowship, wonder, breakthrough, deliverance, and healing for everyone! But, I think I'll leave you with this sonnet that I wrote as I was journaling on August 1, 2022. It came to my mind during the final session as Steve was talking about coming to the end of ourselves and being desperate for Jesus. In America, we really don't know what it's like. Our persecuted brethren in other countries know. If we really want revival, breakthroughs, healings, miracles, and deliverance (both corporately and personally), we really need to be desperate for Holy Spirit. When we invite Him, expect Him, and make room for Him, He'll come. We have to get out of the way, and be ready to die to self. We have to relentlessly pursue Him; asking, seeking, and knocking without end! He will open that door for us to good things. Be desperate! Don't give up! I'm testifying to the fact that He answers our desperate cries: 

Embracing the Offensive God

Have you ever had a day that seemed like it had a "theme"; like it was an episode of a sitcom and you were trying to learn the overall lesson that was blanketed over it? That was my day yesterday and I felt like everything else that was not part of the dive into the rabbit hole just faded into the background like the typical clutter of ordinary days. 

The things that God revealed to my heart are so numerous that it's hard to even determine the origin of how I began my plunge into the depths. Though, I suppose it began as I was praying in the Spirit (as has been becoming my regular habit in the mornings). As I continued to do this on my commute to work, I remembered that I had just a few minutes left on the audio book that I had been listening to on the Hoopla app and decided to resume listening (by the way, this app is such a gift! You use your library card to check out free e-books and audio books!). 

To give you a little background, this book is "Jesus and the Disinherited" by Howard Thurman. This book was recommended by Ashley Siri; who recently shared about it in her message at church. It's unlike anything I expected. In fact, I don't think I knew what to expect at all. There is so much to unpack and contemplate in such a short book! I don't know how he got so many layers into it, but I think I'm going to have to go through it again (probably in e-book or physical book form) because the depth of the content is so stirring that you have to slow down. I had no idea what I was diving into; only that the title and subject matter was enough to draw me in. I'll try to untangle some of the web of wisdom from it, but I don't know if I can yet. I found myself thinking so much about what was said that I couldn't catch up to the next thing that was being described. 

As I went into work, my mind and heart was once again turning over the things I had heard; which seemed to be parallel with what I was already meditating on from this past week. If I were to attempt to summarize it in one word, I guess all I can really say is that maybe it all boils down to this one thing: offense. 

Offense comes in many forms and is experienced on all sorts of levels. When we are offended, we typically feel threatened and/or attacked. These threats and attacks are seen through the lenses of our culture, wounding, experiences, faith background, gender, skin color, you name it! All the facets that make up our identity contribute to how we see, experience, and perceive things. Howard Thurman did an excellent job of presenting the perspectives from all the various angles and stirs up the empathy and curiosity needed to stop, think, and truly take the time to understand. I wonder if he ever could have imagined the kind of "cancel culture" that currently exists which is all based around offense? If more people would read this book, we might actually stop this madness and begin the process of healing and unifying together! It just might help us tear down the walls of pride and protection that get built up as a result of the pain, anger, and unforgiveness that offense ushers in.

It's no coincidence that one of the many stories that he mentioned was a story that I was wanting to revisit and go deeper into ever since last weekend. It's the story in Matthew 15:21-28 where the Canaanite woman pursues Jesus for her daughter's healing. Fady, one of the IHOP students that I met last weekend, was talking about it with me as we were discussing persistence and contention for Casey's healing to come for his ears. He mentioned that on the surface, Jesus' encounter with the woman seemed so cold and offensive (I'm not going to go into all my deep digging, but here's a helpful explanation to get you started), but that we have to learn to embrace the "offensive God"; being relentless in our belief and pursuit of Him. No matter no matter how hard it is, we need to know and believe that He is GOOD! We'll receive our reward; just like the Canaanite woman and the persistent widow. We must keep contending!

This is EXACTLY the kind of thing that Howard Thurman goes to great lengths to explain in the book because we have to reconcile the offenses if we're to embrace Jesus and others. Breakthrough and healing can't come otherwise! It can be a hard thing; just read John 6:60-71! This is the part where many disciples desert Jesus. He outright asked "Does this offend you?" and asked His apostles if they too wanted to leave. Peter says, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” 

Oh, if we all could respond like Peter! Lord, we BELIEVE and KNOW who you are! There is no other that we can run to! If we cannot accept your words, which are words of eternal life, what words can we accept?! If your words offend us to the point where we become prideful, hardened, and unaccepting, we are bankrupt! Help us to work through every offense; whether it's offense at you or others. Help us to USE our offenses to run diagnostics on our soul so that we can discover our wounds and ask you to heal them (wow, it just dawned on me that this stuff is what we learned about in Vine school regarding healing prayer)!

As I continued to explore the depths of "offense", verse 71 jumped out at me because it mentioned Judas. So, I started exploring Judas. I found that it was after one of Jesus' anointings at Bethany (oh man, there's another side trail I won't go into but wow....check this out!) that Judas went to the Pharisees to discuss handing over Jesus. Why? It was more than just his selfishness and love of money. Judas, like the Pharisees, was offended at Jesus. His teachings, healings, and His display of mercy and compassion (even to "sinners"), were offensive to them. The hate and offenses that they had in their heart for "that" kind of woman, or for a tax collector, a gentile, a Roman, etc....was just too much to contend with. They could not accept it and rather than open their hardened hearts to the words of life and make it a WAY of life, their pride and hatred determined that it was too hard to embrace. 

As I kept digging in and praying over all of this, I brought my "offenses" to Jesus about Casey's healing. I know that he/we have to contend for it; and that realization is "offensive." Fady was also the one that talked about the story of the blind man, which contains the verse that God pointed out to me when Casey was a baby and we found out he couldn't hear: 

Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. - John 9:3. 

I have always believed that God's glory would be displayed in Casey. Up until recently, I thought that that was all that it meant (God definitely displays His glory through Casey in many ways!). It's not that I didn't want or ask for Casey to be healed and for THAT kind of glory to be displayed, but I had embraced Job's words of "shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" Now, I have regrets regarding how infrequently we contended for healing in 18 years and how hard we have to contend for it now. Yet, I know God's timing and wisdom is infinitely greater than anything I can understand. God's grace covers all of this! I believe in who He is and His words of life and healing over Casey; and that it will happen for HIS glory and benefit when HE decides it's the most beneficial. I release the offense of not seeing it "yet" and believe that I WILL see it at some point. 

After releasing so much to the Lord, I felt like He was telling me to get my notebook from my purse. I write in it when He gives me insight. There is also a note tucked inside it. It's a page of prophetic words that were given to me by a very precious and dear friend of mine. I have read this note many times, and I felt Him saying "read it again." It wasn't until I reached the last part of it that I just stopped and started tearing up: "....walk out your calling - you are doing it! - even if it feels like it's slow & steady. Rest in the ordinary - in the gradual unfolding - He's got you!"  

Whoomp, there it is, folks!! Yet another confirmation that God is going to heal Casey's ears because these are the words that Casey heard himself! I don't know WHY it has to be "slow & steady" or WHEN it will happen, but it WILL! Waiting is hard because we don't know how long we are waiting (ask Abraham and Sarah!). Dear Lord, help me with this "gradual unfolding" and this "slow & steady" pace! It's like our outgoing Vineyard leader, Phil Strout, has said: we live in a "microwave culture" but with God, it's a "crockpot Kingdom."

It only gets more intense from here, folks! After that moment, I was due for an appointment to take Casey's hearing aids to the audiologist for repairs because they recently stopped functioning. Well, most specifically, the hearing aid for his "good ear" is acting up again; and we were JUST at the audiologist on April 1st and everything was fine! I thought maybe it was a sign; that God is taking them away because He won't be needing them (I sure hope so!). Of course, as of this moment, that isn't the case; still waiting for him to not need them to hear. In the meantime, Casey has to rely on lip-reading and sign language to communicate (which makes everything harder for him, his teachers, and all of us who interact with him). If there's anything I'm still struggling with, it's that. It's bad enough that Casey isn't healed yet, but to be without his hearing aids on top of it? Though, I just got a call before posting this that I can pick them up already and that they're good to go (thank you, Jesus!). 

When I left the audiologist yesterday, I started playing the remainder of the book on my Hoopla app while driving to the pharmacy drive-thru at Meijer. As I pulled up, I saw a blind man with his seeing eye dog. I know this man, so I stopped to talk with him and congratulate him on his new friend. As we were conversing, I asked him how long he'd been blind. He said his whole life; since like 18 months and that he couldn't see at all. He said his eyes were like glass. I told him I would love to pray for him and that I had a hearing impaired son whom I am currently contending for for healing. Then, he said the most heartbreaking thing ever: "I don't have the faith for that....I don't share your faith...I have seen too much, like with that girl running down those three kids at the bus stop, that I don't think anyone is in charge." He apologized a couple different times and said that was just how he felt. I just never would have thought this about him. He wasn't even angry when he said it and I have observed nothing but a kind spirit from this guy in all the time I've known him. I never would have guessed that this was where his heart was. I told him that I have seen the opposite; that even at my lowest when I was going through my divorce and feeling numb, God brought me back. I told him I had experienced so much that I knew He had to be real. "I'm sorry. I just don't share your faith," he said. I was at a loss for words, but one of the last things I said before we parted ways was that I hoped God would meet him where he was at. 

After I picked up my prescription and started the drive home, I prayed out loud: "Lord, he may not have the faith for it, but I do. Open his eyes, in the name of Jesus." I felt the Lord say, "I can't." Wait, what? "I can't. He's blind." Uh, yeah...obviously! Then, I remembered the book I was listening to and all I had learned that day. He's BLIND! He's blind like the Pharisees! Until his spiritual eyes see first, he can't comprehend the things of God or have the faith to accept and receive healing for his physical eyes:

And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. - 2 Corinthians 4:3-4. 

Later on in the evening, I was telling my husband about this encounter; that I first needed to pray for the veil to be lifted and this man's spiritual eyes to be opened first (not coincidentally, I recently read all about this in "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets). What we both have seen in life has been very different. He cannot see what I see because he doesn't have the lens of faith. I told Chris, "He has to have an encounter with Jesus first before He can see...." That's when I heard my own words and I stopped. That's what Victor had told me the night we were all praying for Casey! It's not like Casey doesn't already know and encounter Jesus, but this is obviously going to be something bigger and more powerful than anything he's ever experienced. It also dawned on me as I was praying this morning that just like the blind man has to "see" Jesus, Casey needs to "hear" Him. Casey often takes the voice of God literally; saying that he doesn't think he can hear Him because God's voice is a gentle whisper and "still small voice" and he says "I can't hear that because He's too quiet." I've been trying to encourage Casey to listen for God's voice with his heart/mind, but he's having a hard time comprehending what that means. Maybe that's the encounter and revelation we need to be praying for; that Casey will understand how to hear God's voice with his spiritual ears so the healing can come for his physical ears! We all know that this breakthrough is close and Gianna has shared with me a vision she had about him getting healed. I started to type it out here, but then felt like I wasn't supposed to publicly reveal the details. I'll hold onto it for now. All I know is that Jesus is the unveiler, revealer, and healer! We'll keep contending and pressing in, but it's all up to HIM! He does the work. He determines, the when, where, and how of it. 

One more thing that happened as I cried and prayed on my way to work was when I was asking God WHY He would even tell us about Casey being healed when it hasn't happened yet. Why even let us know it was coming and have us impatiently waiting for it? Why not just surprise us with it? I know He can do whatever and whenever; and I have learned to expect it. That's when He reminded me that up until a few months ago, Casey did not. He didn't think miracles like this still happened today. He thought it was only "back then" and he didn't have the faith for it anymore than the blind man does for his. God had to create that expectation for him and tell him it was coming. It was for Casey's sake, not mine, that we had to be told that it is on the way. Last Fall, we thought Casey was losing hearing and started going after his healing. Casey started taking it seriously and he had many powerful experiences with the Holy Spirit since then where we've been praying for him and he felt the presence of God. How kind of God to prep Casey; knowing that with his autism, it is helpful for him to have an awareness of what to expect. He had to lift that veil and show him that healing IS possible and still happens! Ever since then, he has been believing and asking for it! As a mom, it's hard to step back, but this is primarily between Casey and the Lord. These are his ears and his testimony. I want it so badly for him, but Fady's testimony of how his mom stepped back and let go (regarding his sister's healing) has been speaking to me too. As soon as she let go, God did His work in his sister. Alright, Lord, he's all yours! Work it out with him. You're in charge of this!

I feel so incredibly blessed by all the Lord showed me. Praying and digging into His Word really does bring about answers! Another book that I need to read or listen to again is "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. That's probably the most insightful book I've ever read regarding overcoming offense and learning to forgive! I strongly encourage you to check it out if you've read this long post of mine and find yourself wanting to know more! ;) My thanks to everyone who has been with Casey on this journey and those that have ministered to me as well. We're going to see a victory! Contend with me for Casey's healing and pray for that encounter that is going to bring it and for him to have his spiritual ears fully opened! Thank you, and amen!