For me, 2019 was an exciting wide-eyed time. The last half of the year was an especially bittersweet period of pruning, growth, and revelation. God had showed me during a sermon on October 13th how important writing/journaling was: "Let's get back to that. This is how you bring my Kingdom to Earth."
He had also made it clear that I should always "be ready." I remember there was one time I had to scramble to find a paper and pen in my purse because I was so overcome with all the things He was bringing to my mind. He was like, "I told you to be ready!" Since then, I've always carried my notebook and pen with me so I can "be ready" any time He chooses to "download" something. Sometimes it's just for me, and sometimes they are things I feel compelled to blog, post on Facebook, or share in some way. In fact, "Your Heart is Where the House Is" is a post from that October 13th sermon, and it continues to be something I think about and revisit often.
I felt reignited and reconnected with God in a deeper way because I knew He had brought me back to what He had marked and anointed me for. That statement was a commission and I knew it. I was excited to be stepping into my purpose and destiny. Like many others, I thought 2020 was going to be a year of clear vision and perspective. I think we all had high hopes for great things. It was supposed to be the year where I was finally going to get some important things accomplished for God (specifically a book that He had been nudging me for years to put out there).
Now, we've blinked and those three years are gone. Like everyone else, my family and I have had a lot of highs and lows from 2020 - 2022. I don't think very many of us like to remember 2020. In fact, I'm not even going to bother going there lol. The past two years haven't been much better either. It's not that everything has been all bad, but nothing has been the same since Covid and it's made things harder for everyone in so many ways.
For me, 2022 has probably been the hardest of all. I knew it would be when I got the word "Refuge" as my word for the year. Yet, it was a comforting word at the same time, because I knew that God was assuring me that He is my safe place. I wouldn't have gotten through it otherwise. There's been a lot of hardships, heartbreaks, and way too many deaths/funerals. Though, on the plus side, we were also kept occupied by a lot of celebrations. I can't remember when I've been to so many birthday parties (including my own), bridal/baby showers, weddings, and graduation parties (including my own son's). It's been a very busy year and I'm so glad that I made it through all of that; plus all the holidays and work craziness of December.
In anticipating and praying for my new word this year, I was really hoping for something that felt super positive, encouraging, and promising. It was on November 22nd, close to Thanksgiving, that I had been journaling about how weary I was from all the spiritual warfare. I was lamenting everything I was feeling; asking God where He was and to please answer me. I know He never leaves me, but sometimes things just feel like dead air. You just need something very fresh and obvious; something that just smacks you in the face to where you know God is saying, "I'm here and I care. I love you."
As things continued to get busier at work (and harder in my life in general), writing became less frequent than it should have been. Though, on December 6th, I had one of those days where I was writing and was particularly inspired by the daily "Give Him 15" post by Dutch Sheets: The Power of Remembering. Do yourself a favor and check out that post! It will inspire you to reflect not only on what God has done in the history of His Word, but in your personal history (as Dutch described regarding King David). When we testify to what the Lord has done in the past, we are also calling it forth for Him to do it again (watch the video or read the post here for more). I can't tell you how many times these daily posts have been just what I needed and have aligned with what God was already speaking to me (my son and I watch these every day!). Here is just a portion of what I wrote down that day in my journal:
What is my armor? What are my weapons? This is no time to lower my shield (faith). That is my defense. My offense is my sword (Word of God). I'm in the Word daily, yes. Yet, so many times I don't take the time to go deep or to open those doors and go down rabbit holes. I'm too busy being Cinderella to be Alice; too busy to be curious. Your Word is my greatest weapon; and to use it in prayer. I don't need to war in vain and in the flesh. Battles aren't against flesh and blood. We fight these spiritual battles with spiritual weapons. I really do need to weaponize my prayers with Your Word and praise. This worry and fretting and self-pity and wailing isn't doing anything. It's time to use the Word and to testify and remember!
Even with that revelation, I still couldn't seem to find my word in December. I was frustrated with myself. I felt like one of the many things getting in the way of finding and discerning it was the distraction of being sick. Early in the month, I had battled some kind of cold/sinus junk. I got over it, only to come down with a nastier version on the 16th (and for extra fun, I also had to deal with pink eye in both eyes). In fact, I'm STILL waiting on my ears to be unclogged so I can hear normally. I'm hoping that the prednisone I was given might finally do something. It isn't very easy to fast and pray when you're supposed to have something in your stomach to take medicine (and you're hoping to fuel yourself with decent food and vitamins to get your health and strength back). It has had me feeling weak and like a failure. I had some moments where I thought that I was possibly on the right track and that something "might" be my word, but it just didn't feel like the kind of "aha" like in years past. I didn't want to just grab and settle for something. I figured the best thing to do was just rest and wait. Even if things took longer or didn't become apparent before 2023 got here, I knew God's timing was perfect and not up to me.
Enter December 31st...
We were at Chris' family Christmas gathering when his Mom presented me with a wrapped gift that looked like it had to be a picture frame. Chris was sitting beside me and she and Scott were in front of me, and it looked like he was getting his camera ready. I had no idea what this could be; I was excited and nervous at the same time. This was obviously something special if they wanted to record my reaction. I tore off the paper and what stared back at me left me speechless and in tears. It was me; kneeling with my sword and in my armor. My gosh, it was like when Alice looked through that keyhole and saw herself and realized she was dreaming. For me, it was a dream come true; and I couldn't believe I was staring at it and WASN'T dreaming! My word was within it somewhere; and I was ready to get curious and go down the rabbit hole like I had longed for! Get ready to dive in with me, folks!
Aside from what I shared before, there have been many times where I (and people who have prophesied over me) have seen me in armor. In fact, I've had an image of me in gold armor. I'm in a battle stance; fierce with intense eyes and my sword drawn in front of me. My blue/green hair is flowing behind me and there's lightning flashing behind me. I've often thought to myself that if I had the money, I would commission a friend of mine (who is an AMAZING painter) to paint the image for me. Though, I have often debated whether to change the armor to silver (or white gold/platinum, beskar, whatever lol) because I have always preferred it over yellow gold. Yet, I figured gold was considered more precious and valuable, so that's why God had it in my mind that way. At any rate, it was one of those unspoken desires that I don't recall ever sharing with Kathy. There is NO WAY she could have given me the desire of my heart unless God had been the One to tell her (so explain THAT to me, all you non-believers!).power, love, and self-discipline that God gives us to accomplish all things through Him. She said she knew I was such a prayer warrior and that this was me. Obviously, it has not be unnoticed by God either. He heard my prayers! He said, "Yes, I see you. I hear you. This is who you are! Remember!"
One of the many things that hit me when I stared at the picture was that this wasn't my active warrior pose. It communicated surrender, submission, servanthood, rest, and honor. I felt peace. I felt that it was me kneeling to my Commander; and He is pleased. I also felt like even when I feel like a weak and weary warrior, He is still my strength. I can never do it on my own. In my weakness, He is strong and His grace is sufficient for me. Because of Him, it's enough; because HE is enough. As it says in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
This verse is in the context of Paul talking about the thorn in his side. Sometimes, we suffer things that don't go away no matter how much we pray. It's hard for us to understand the whys when we suffer unpleasant afflictions or circumstances. In fact, a recent episode of "The Chosen" addressed this pretty well (watch this clip if you haven't seen it!). Nick Vujicic (the man born without arms and legs), also weighed in on this and explained it just as beautifully (click here for the segment; it's worth the watch if you've ever asked "why, God?"). Joni Eareckson Tada says the same thing.
"Enough." That word seemed to echo in the moment. I had been striving so hard and hadn't felt like I had found my word. Yet, in that moment, it seemed to appear; and not from "my" efforts. He did it. He's enough. He's made me enough.
I looked on Bible Hub to dive into the verses more. The word for "sufficient" is "arkeó" which is "to assist, suffice." It's also used in John 14:8 when Philip asks Jesus to show them the Father and that it will be "enough." Jesus answered in verses 9-14:
“Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
The whole chapter of John 14 is full of reassurance from Jesus not to be troubled; that He is with us and that He would send Holy Spirit to be with us. Peace is with us and we don't have to be afraid. He's got us. He's enough. We have it all because we have Him; and He gives us all His power and authority to do even greater works in His Name!
Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection.
This verse triggered a memory from last year when I went to a women's conference. Amazingly enough, this Bible story from 2 Samuel 21:10-14 is something that I also recently read in my Bible plan a little over a month ago. Rizpah's sons were killed and they didn't get a proper burial. She spent her days and nights shooing away the birds and wild animals from devouring them. At this women's conference, Eva Rodriguez was telling us that as mothers, we are warriors for our children and families. We have to chase away the birds and wild animals that are trying to devour them. It must have seemed crazy to everyone for Rizpah to spend all her time doing that because her sons were already dead. But, those were her children and she wanted to preserve and honor them even in death; and she got her wish. I found an article that talks about this story even more. Anyways, we have to be the ones to fight for our own kids, because no one else is going to do it. Even if it's all over (or seems like it's over), we need to chase away anything that tries to devour and take away what remains. As the verse in Hebrews says, we can see our dead raised to life again. I will contend for my children; always. My prayers will chase the birds and wild beasts away from my family. Even if it doesn't look like the battle is being won, I know that it will be. Christ is the resurrection and the life. I know what has been prophesied over my marriage and children. Satan cannot have them! I will war until I can war no more; because I am that prayer warrior and I'm not taking my armor of God off! The painting is on the wall in my living room so I (and everyone in my household) can see it every day and be reminded of my job.
The final thing that tops it off is when I went back to my 2019 journal to look for the entry that I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Right before that entry were some notes before that. I hadn't put the date, but I assume it was from an Activ8 youth conference message because that's where I got the notebook from and first used it. There are a LOT of great notes written down, and among them are these:
- A life spent for Jesus will be remembered and last for all eternity.
- "Who do you say that I am?" "Am I enough for you?"
- Good things can distract from greater things. *I had put "book" in parentheses right beside this one*
- "Yes, Jesus, but..... status (scribe), convenience (bury my father), idols (family)
- "if I had _____ I would be happy" -----> this is the idol detector.
- Heaven wouldn't be worth it if Jesus wasn't there. He is the price and reward. Is He all you want? Is He your treasure? Is He enough?
It couldn't be any more clear to me! In 2019, my eyes were open. I was on the right track. Then, I blinked. We all blinked. Now, our eyes are open again. We have all had to learn what's most important. We have been awakening to the fact that we need Jesus more than anything else and that nothing else matters but Him. All the things that got put on the back burner (for me, it's been the book) should be on the back burner no longer. No more excuses; even if those excuses are "good things". I've done a lot of "good things" for Jesus in these past few years, but they weren't that ONE thing; the one thing that I knew I was truly supposed to do. If I continue to be busy, distracted, or brought down by all the thorns of this world, someone is going to miss out on their Alice moment. They won't get their activation, because I haven't done the ONE THING that I'm supposed to do that will show them who they are. I need to follow Kathy's example. I need to do the hard thing; the thing that I've been scared to screw up. The thing I've thought wouldn't be good enough because I have never done it before and don't know what I'm doing. All the people I have asked for help never have time to answer me. I thought I needed them to advise me because they have walked the path before and can show me how to do it. I've been waiting on them while God has been waiting on me. I've given Him all the excuses because I didn't want to mess things up. Yet, all this time, God was just trying to get me to see that it was just ME He was talking to. He picked me; not them. I'm just going to have to go for it. I don't know what I'm doing, and it will probably be messy and imperfect, but it will be "enough." He proved it to me with the painting. He's the perfect One. We just have to be the obedient one. His grace covers it all. It's enough and it accomplishes what He wants!
Grace and peace to you, my friends! May this truly be a blessed new year! Awakening and revival is on the horizon, and we all have our part to play in that! Like I read today in Hebrews 12:1-3 (and not coincidentally, it was one of the many verses mentioned in today's amazing message at church that stunningly echoed much of what I wrote here):
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.Through off all distractions and sin! 2022 and these past few years are behind us! Start fresh, and start with Jesus! Let Him give you new strength! Like Bea said in her message, we need to be good disciples if we're going to succeed in discipling others as He commanded. May that dash in-between 2019 - 2023 be a bridge. I want 2023 to be where 2019 left off, but with the wisdom and growth that came in that dash. It's time to take our places! We are warriors and we can never stop fighting the good fight; especially since we know we've already won! We don't fight for victory, but FROM victory! Jesus already won it. He is enough. We are enough! He's got this and He's got us! God bless you!