A Milton Moment

During and after the Holy Spirit conference a couple weeks ago, I believed I was on my way to experiencing full healing and restoration in my body. My pain was decreasing and I have been praying and waiting for God to finish what He started. I have also prayed for others (as usual) and have seen amazing healing occur. Yet, here I am....still in a lot of pain and feeling every bit as terrible as before the conference. 

This morning, I was listening to a message by Chip Ingram. He was describing how much God loves us and how unconditional and unfailing His love is. That fact has always been the ultimate comfort and encouragement to me; knowing that He is the only one who totally and completely loves me. He always has and always will. He never leaves or forsakes. He's perfect and His love for me is perfect and unconditional. No one and nothing can love me like that except for Him. Everyone and everyone else will fail and let me down at some point, but He cannot and will not. 

However, I have to confess that I'm struggling right now. The degree of physical pain that I'm in (especially after feeling that I was finally getting healed) is a tremendous frustration to me. The anger and tears have been boiling over. I've told the Lord time and again that like Job, I'm not going to turn away from Him. I'll endure everything and still declare His goodness. Yet, at the same time, I can't comprehend how I can tear shingles off of a roof, grab the hem of His garment, or scream "Son of David, have mercy on me!" and still not be granted healing. My pursuit is desperate. I'm asking, seeking, and persistently knocking/beating on the door waiting for Him to answer. A Father knows how to give good gifts to His children. I wouldn't withhold healing from my own children; why is He withholding from me? I have learned to deal with and accept the loneliness and rejection from fellow broken humans. God is not broken; He is perfect and good and that's my hope and anchor. So, then, what is the hold up? Everything He says in His Word about who He is and how He loves me is true and I declare His Word out loud in prayer. Why, then, am I being overlooked? If it's going to be a lifelong thorn in my side like Paul's, why tease me with incremental or temporary relief? 

Right now, I feel like the Milton of God's children; desperately waiting my turn to have my cake and eat it too....only my turn never truly comes. Everyone else gets theirs (and I help everyone else and make sure that they get a piece) but I end up standing there empty handed; waiting and wondering. Everyone else can walk away and forget that I'm standing there like a fool while they enjoy their portions, but God is supposed to see me and say, "I didn't forget you. The last is first, you know. I saved the best piece for you." I'm still standing here; telling myself that it doesn't matter how long I have to wait around feeling like an idiot. I just need to smile and carry-on (and not burn the place down). 

Today has already been full of timely reminders. My friend, Earl, stopped by to pray for me (God always sends him to love, pray, and speak life to me just when I need it). Also, the "Give Him 15" post from Dutch Sheets today was a reminder to remember and be refreshed by powerful memories of moments we've had with God. That's why I've continued to wear my Holy Spirit Conference bracelet every day. I know what I felt and experienced and I know and trust who God is. I continue to invite Holy Spirit to come wash over me just as He did a couple weeks ago. I'm practicing the things I've learned that He's revealed to me. I'm holding onto the promises and declaring the truth; focusing on renewing my mind and thinking on all the "whatevers". He gives me my daily bread every day and I keep focusing on that; one day and one moment at a time. I'm still here and I will continue to endure. I'm hurting really badly; and I cry out to Him day and night. I'm still waiting with hands lifted up in worship and waiting to receive. I don't know what's going on or how long it's going to take, but I recently received a vision of an IV drip. I'm hooked up to Him. That medicine, healing, and power is flowing in; even if little by little. He's moving through my veins. I know it and I believe it. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Thank you for reading. One of the last sessions from that conference was about telling people when you're struggling and under attack so people can pray for you. I'm asking for that right now. One of the other things I wrote down from that session was: "Great things happen in exile...will you stay faithful in the wilderness?" Yes, I will. I've been to the wilderness many times before and can now recognize it more easily and deal with it much better. My body may continue to die all around me, but I'm still being renewed every day (2 Corinthians 4:16). I continue to say "It is Well with My Soul." God bless you all!