The Broken Place

This past week has really been something; and I know that it hasn't just been me. I've seen a lot of hard things going on; both in the world and from friends and family. Stuff has just been difficult and heavy; though there have been some good things happening as well. My husband DID get that job that I mentioned in my last post and it's been going great! Praise God! Also, things have changed a lot in my job; which has been very bittersweet and messy with the hellos, goodbyes, and transitioning into the familiar but unfamiliar. It's all a bit stressful. It feels very awkward and weird to have the positive and negative all crash together at once  It's hard to process. The mood swings have been all over the place (perimenopause and chronic fatigue/pain doesn't help things either).

There's far too much to share and unpack, so I'll just get to the main point of this post. I wanted to share a poem that I wrote a couple days ago with the hope that it will bless others who are probably feeling the same way right now. Poetry seems to be the outlet that helps me the most. Reading it back continues to help and refresh me as well. All the ways that God gifts us to help others helps ourselves too. He gives good gifts to us (Matthew 7:11, Luke 11:13, James 1:17). 

This poem is called "The Broken Place" (and also echoes another poem called "Renewed Warrior" that I shared in a previous post). I just want you to know that being in that place is ok. It's ok not to be ok (listen to one of my go-to songs about that). Stuff hurts and we don't have to pretend it doesn't.  

Speaking of that, I think Kent Butcher did very well with talking about this stuff in his guest preaching at Vineyard a while back (MUST watch!). If we remember that God is a safe place to spill out all the good, bad, and ugly, we'll get through it all much better. Jesus suffered; and suffered FOR us. He knows. He knows it all. We can have our "Lieutenant Dan Moments" in a thunderstorm and know that God hears and cares. Jesus said that in this world, we would have trouble, but to take heart because He has overcome the world (John 16:33). Our perfect, flawless, and all-powerful Lord and Savior went through hardships when He was here in the body. He was tempted by satan and He was persecuted, plotted against, tortured, and killed by the very ones who are made in His image. How or why would we be exempt from suffering? He was not exempt. God didn't spare His own Son from hardship and suffering. Why act like all this that is happening to us is something strange? 

 

One thing we do know is that we don't suffer as the rest of the world suffers. For those in Christ, there is always hope and the assurance that it will all work out for good (Romans 8:28). The devil prowls around us like he prowled around Christ; waiting for "opportune times". He doesn't attack us any less because we are believers. He will attacks us just as much if not more. Yes, we keep our armor on and pray continually to rebuke evil and demolish strongholds (Ephesians 6:10-18, 2 Corinthians 10:4, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Yes, we have the same power in us that raised Christ from the grave (Ephesians 1:19-20). Yes, He is able (Ephesians 3:20). Yes, He heals and does the impossible (Isaiah 53:5, Matthew 19:26, Mark 10:27, Luke 18:27). However, that doesn't mean we are bulletproof. Satan will never stop coming at us. We still live in a fallen world and bad things do happen to "good" people. Though no one is truly "good"; even Christ said "why do you call me 'good'?" Remember, He who has overcome all things STILL had to suffer and go through the perils of all the evil that was done to Him...even though He could have stopped it (but then the scriptures could not have been fulfilled). If anyone didn't "deserve" the persecution, trials, and sufferings, it was Jesus. Yet, He didn't rescue Himself. He even rebuked a well-meaning Peter for saying that suffering and death shouldn't happen to Him. Jesus saw that the real enemy wasn't Peter, but satan (because we war not against flesh and blood). He addressed and rebuked the true enemy in that moment. Satan's only goal is to steal, kill, and destroy, but the Father's goal is to accomplish a greater purpose through all we walk through. It's especially true when we persevere and mature through much suffering; building our character and lacking nothing after suffering "a little while" (Romans 5:3-6, 1 Peter 5:10, James 1:2-4). "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:11.

 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Tonight's Friday Worship Night blessed me even more as Jeremy emphasized the wonderful grace that we get to walk in; the undeserved mercy and forgiveness that we do not (and could never) earn. Jesus paid it all. That's the Good News and always will be the Good News even when we get bad news (and there has been a lot of bad news lately; PLEASE pray and contend hard for the healing of my friend, Melissa Coy and the family of a former schoolmate of mine who is grieving the loss of her and her son in a tragic accident). Keep praising Him from whatever broken place you're in. He will restore you! God bless you!

The Abiding Place

Tomorrow, my husband is scheduled for a "final" interview at 10 AM. The definition of "final" wasn't clarified. We don't know if that means, "Last interview and then you're definitely hired" or "last interview and then we'll get back to you." As I mentioned a few days ago, it will be 9 months on the 9th that he has been without a job. In my mind, I think it would be fitting to get the "final" decision on Friday and have a new job be "birthed"; but God can do whatever He wants (and He will!) lol.

Weary are we of the endless cycle of interviews, waiting, ghostings, and rejections. My trust is in the faithfulness and goodness of God to provide (and He does and has all this time). In fact, in thinking about how tomorrow is May 7th (5/7), that syncs up with a few really good verses: 

For we live by faith, not by sight.  -  2 Corinthians 5:7

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? - Galatians 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7

Recently, I was thinking/feeling like things were so dark. I reminded myself that Jesus is there and is the light. I'm not wandering around blind; He holds me by my right hand (Isaiah 41:13). I thought, "Maybe it's only dark because I haven't opened my eyes. What do I need to open my eyes to so I can see?" I always get concerned that I'm missing something. I pray and ask all the time for an open mind, heart, ears, and eyes. I ask for wisdom, clarity, and revelation. The silence is deafening, but I get peace over and over again as I remember all the verses that continue to come up. I think about how my word this year is "abide" and even though that's hard, there is such a strength and anchoring to that word. I can walk by faith and not by sight because I know who holds my hand and leads. I'll run the good race and I won't let anything cut in, discourage me, or make me give up on the truth of God's promises. I'll give Him every care because He cares for me. 

Friends, I'm asking you to pray with me as we go into tomorrow's "final"! I'm just going to have to pray more diligently in the Spirit because I don't know what to pray anymore (Romans 8:26, Ephesians 6:18). I don't want doubts and past disappointments to strip my prayers of effectiveness. Prayers not prayed in faith fall flat (James 1:6). I trust the Spirit to pray and ask for the right things, so that will be my main focus. What do I know about the "right" job? Only He knows if this is the right one or not or if there is something "else" in mind; the "else" that I do not know, see, and have no idea about. 

I'm just in the "abiding" place; trying to bear "the weight as I wait". I'm abiding in who He is; and He is IN me and WITH me. That one thing is enough. It's the "work" of God to believe in the One He has sent (John 6:29). When I don't know what to "do", I just do the one thing: believe. I stay. I abide. That "works". When the Father just tells you "stay here...wait a minute", that minute can be a really long one; for us, not for Him. He is not bound by time like we are; and oh how slowly that time seems to pass. Wait and wait like an impatient toddler. But the Father's commands are good and when He says something, you can bank on it. 

"Abba, how long are you going to make me wait here?" Funny, isn't it? All the while He is working, but He has never turned His back and never left (Joshua 1:5). He's doing it all at the same time; doing all the behind the scenes things AND waiting WITH you while He is doing it. God is God. When He brings whatever it is I've been waiting for, it will be immeasurably more than what I have been able to ask for or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). I want to be right where He put me when it's time to say, "Here it is, my child. It's ready." Maybe that's when my eyes will be open to see as I hold my hands and hold the surprise He just placed in my waiting palms. What's more frustrating than being a parent and not having your kid ready when it's time lol? It's not like HE doesn't know, but what a patient Shepherd He is with these sheepish children of His. To Adam, "Where are you?" (Genesis 3:9). "What are you doing here, Elijah?" (1 Kings 19:9). To Peter, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:31). "Melissa, didn't I tell you that you are worth more than many sparrows?" (Matthew 10:31, Luke 12:7). When the time is right (both in the now and in the ultimate end of time), are we going to be where He put us when He wants to give us what we've waited for? Position me where you want to, Lord. I want to be right where I'm supposed to be. I want to obey your instructions; even if it's hard, I don't understand, and the wait is long. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Thank you for your support and prayers! The one good thing of many in this season is all the wonderful things I've been able to create/post/share. The things He speaks to me to help me through all this frustration, pain, and grief is hopefully a help to others as well. Keep abiding! The new wine and wine-skins will come! God bless you all!

What Are You Doing Here?

I saw it coming. Something felt off. My spirit knew that something wasn't right. I had the sense that I needed to be vigilant and prepared; that my shield of faith needed to be up because a fiery dart was coming. Then, it happened. Reckless wounding words came spilling out of the mouth of someone that was supposed to be a safe and trusted believer in Christ. I knew the enemy was prowling around like a lion trying to devour me. I knew that Satan wanted to use these words to attack my identity and cause fear and doubt in my mind. I saw it for what it was; it was a struggle not against flesh and blood, but of demonic forces that were attempting to use this person as a vessel to wound me. I didn't want it to take root in me. I knew the words were a lie; an expertly worded phrase that Satan knew would shatter my core if I allowed it. Of all the things I had worked so hard to overcome in my lifetime, these words carried the weight of a former version of myself; hitting at a known weak spot of insecurity that the devil continually tries to use to re-enslave me. Even with that shield of faith up, it still hit hard. I fought back with the sword of the Spirit. Just like Jesus declared, "It is written",  I boldly asserted to this person, "No, I do not receive this. This is not who I am. I am defined by Christ and I am a new creation." This weapon formed against me would not prosper and I would stand against this accusation/condemnation and be vindicated by the Lord (Isaiah 54:17)!

When I declared the truth of God's Word, I felt relief. I felt the power of God's truth silencing the lie in that moment. The discussion continued as I questioned this person as to why, especially knowing my current vulnerability and stressors in my life, they would say what they had said. In a way, I knew they "meant well". Though, this wasn't the first time their words/actions had me feeling beaten down and like they had been cunningly crafted by the enemy to inflict damage at a very "opportune time". Even with clarification (and even though I asked them to "take it back", which they did), the words were still echoing a bit like a resounding gong...and I was very aware of its potential to keep doing so. I knew the warfare was probably far from over. At any rate, I didn't want offense and bitterness to be part of it. I know how detrimental that is, so I made sure we parted ways with forgiveness and peace. Things resolved peacefully that day. Though, that is another thing that has been a struggle for me; feeling and believing that things really are "ok". 

I'm thankful for all the ways God has given me the gift of empathy. However, it's a LOT to deal with when you feel emotions so deeply (even the emotions of others). I've improved, but I am still trying to learn how to handle things without it overwhelming my mind and body. I was still feeling shocked, hurt, sad, and angry. The tears kept coming. I prayed and prayed; declaring that the enemy wasn't welcome to set up camp in my mind. I have been listening to the audio book by Louie Giglio, "Don't Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table: It's Time to Win the Battle of Your Mind...." I knew that this was exactly what the devil was trying to do. 

Over the next couple days of prayer, journaling, etc., I continued being intentional about focusing on the truth rather than the lies. Yet, I was still feeling a bit broken and knew I was teetering on the edge of a spiral and a visit to the "swamp of sadness". I prayed that God would give me a timely word of encouragement and affirmation. Just as He has always done before, He sent another person to "undo" the words by giving me new ones. I got an unexpected text from a precious friend of mine who said that when she saw my face, she was "filled with joy" and that I "leave a big impact on people." That, my friends, was God's voice speaking through her. Reckless words may have pierced like a sword, but those wise words brought healing (Proverbs 12:18). Also, like the next verse (19) states: "Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment." (NIV) 

A recent poem I wrote

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for Your enduring and eternal truth! Lies have no substance and will always unravel. That moment has passed, and I no longer live there. I will remember the things You have told me in Your Word and through the blessed words of other believers. Satan doesn't want me to believe that Your Spirit is in me or that Your fruit is there. He doesn't want me to remember that "joy" is one of those things that people experience and that they are impacted for good when they encounter You through me. He only wants to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). His attempt to derail me by showing up in another believer's careless words will not cause my identity to crumble or have me question my gifts and destiny. I know that the devil has been coming at me harder because he can see that my growth and purpose is building up to something. 

I would like to say that this story ends here, but it doesn't. Warfare never stops and we should NEVER take our spiritual armor off! The enemy came at me some more as he attempted to spin other words, thoughts, memories, and situations to make me believe that the initial blow had merit. Even though I knew what was happening, I ended up giving in and allowing myself to attend my own pity party instead. Despite that nudge to stop and reset, I resigned myself to the swamp even more. I was tired of fighting and resisting. It was too much work and I was exhausted with life. Why was I even still here? Why are things like this? Why do people hurt me and treat me the way that they do? Why, why, why.....? Dear God, just take me home to be with you. I don't belong here. Just let me go to sleep and not wake up since I have no right to "go to the wire".

At that, I dozed off on the couch where I was reclining at the time. In those early moments of slumber, God broke through into my mind and reminded me of someone else who had gotten himself stuck in that same thought spiral: Elijah. My eyes shot open and I was jolted awake. God had reset me! I went to 1 Kings 19 and read that chapter. Like Elijah, I had given in to the spirit of fear and it reminded me of how John Ramirez describes it in the book "Destroying Fear: Strategies to Overthrow the Enemy's Tactics and Walk in Total Freedom". He says:

This planted the seed of fear in Elijah, causing him to flee to Horeb. The fear that he allowed to enter his spirit eventually manifested as depression, then oppression and finally even thoughts of suicide.

John Ramirez also brilliantly points out: 

When we are crippled with fear, it crowds out His voice and His truths. When we are free from fear and worry, we are able to walk out our calling and purpose, the one our heavenly Father created us to fulfill. The enemy knows that when we are walking in our calling, we are dangerous to his mission. Therefore, he will do everything he can with the arsenal he has to prevent that from occurring. Fear is his strongest weapon, and he is not afraid to use it.

With these things in mind, I re-read 1 Kings 19 (NIV). Elijah had just had a showdown with the prophets of Baal in the previous chapter. Of course, Satan and his minions don't handle defeat very well. Elijah was a huge ongoing threat to them. They used Jezebel to intimidate him, fill him with fear, and send him packing. After he LEFT his servant in Beersheba, he went into the wilderness. Ah, yes. Typical, isn't it? We reject fellowship and retreat into a wilderness of isolation; which is just what Satan wants. Elijah arrived at his own "swamp of sadness" (or, in his case, under a broom tree) and threw himself a pity party; full of the same kind of thoughts I was having. He also went to sleep. An angel of the Lord woke him up twice so he could eat and keep on going. Though, what REALLY got me was when the Lord asked him TWICE: 

What are you doing here, Elijah? (v. 9 & 13)

Both times, Elijah says:

I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too. (v. 10 & 14) 

Basically, he's complaining about the fact that he's tried to do the right thing for the Lord; even though the rest of the people hadn't and were trying to destroy him like they did with his fellow prophets. He's saying, "I did it right. They're doing it wrong. Woe is me! I'm all alone and everyone is out to get me!" It doesn't seem like he's really answering the Lord's question; which was more for his benefit than God's. The Lord knew what Elijah was doing there; he was giving up and running away because he was afraid. WHAT was Elijah DOING there (versus where he had come from)? He wasn't doing anything but wallowing in self-pity, depression, and fear. He wasn't living out his purpose to which he was called; he was running away from it. That is what God wanted him to realize and why he told Elijah to go back and to anoint Elisha. 

That is also what God wants ME to realize. "What are you doing here, Melissa?" Ugh, yes....what am I doing HERE in the swamp of sadness? Why did I give into fear and self-pity? Why did I run away from where I was supposed to be just to come "here"? It's a waste of time. I was right. I don't belong "here"...in the swamp of sadness. Yes, I belong to Christ (and one day will be with Him) but He is also with me NOW. My purpose is to serve where I'm at and to disciple others like Jesus commanded (Matthew 28:19-20). He's not going to take me out of here while I still have work to do for the Kingdom. I can't allow the enemy to distract me from my purpose and keep me running back to the swamp. I repent, Lord. Forgive me!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I hope that sharing all of this will help you like it helped me. What Satan tried to use against me, God turned around for His good purpose like He always does (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). It's now here on this blog for you (as well as for me whenever I need to re-read it for myself). I will continue renewing my mind with the Word and remembering things I've learned from other great books I've read as well (I highly recommend "Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts" by Jennie Allen, and "Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind" by Joyce Meyer). May we all continue to fight the good fight; keeping our armor on at all times and watching each others' backs as we lift each other up! God bless you!