What Are You Doing Here?

I saw it coming. Something felt off. My spirit knew that something wasn't right. I had the sense that I needed to be vigilant and prepared; that my shield of faith needed to be up because a fiery dart was coming. Then, it happened. Reckless wounding words came spilling out of the mouth of someone that was supposed to be a safe and trusted believer in Christ. I knew the enemy was prowling around like a lion trying to devour me. I knew that Satan wanted to use these words to attack my identity and cause fear and doubt in my mind. I saw it for what it was; it was a struggle not against flesh and blood, but of demonic forces that were attempting to use this person as a vessel to wound me. I didn't want it to take root in me. I knew the words were a lie; an expertly worded phrase that Satan knew would shatter my core if I allowed it. Of all the things I had worked so hard to overcome in my lifetime, these words carried the weight of a former version of myself; hitting at a known weak spot of insecurity that the devil continually tries to use to re-enslave me. Even with that shield of faith up, it still hit hard. I fought back with the sword of the Spirit. Just like Jesus declared, "It is written",  I boldly asserted to this person, "No, I do not receive this. This is not who I am. I am defined by Christ and I am a new creation." This weapon formed against me would not prosper and I would stand against this accusation/condemnation and be vindicated by the Lord (Isaiah 54:17)!

When I declared the truth of God's Word, I felt relief. I felt the power of God's truth silencing the lie in that moment. The discussion continued as I questioned this person as to why, especially knowing my current vulnerability and stressors in my life, they would say what they had said. In a way, I knew they "meant well". Though, this wasn't the first time their words/actions had me feeling beaten down and like they had been cunningly crafted by the enemy to inflict damage at a very "opportune time". Even with clarification (and even though I asked them to "take it back", which they did), the words were still echoing a bit like a resounding gong...and I was very aware of its potential to keep doing so. I knew the warfare was probably far from over. At any rate, I didn't want offense and bitterness to be part of it. I know how detrimental that is, so I made sure we parted ways with forgiveness and peace. Things resolved peacefully that day. Though, that is another thing that has been a struggle for me; feeling and believing that things really are "ok". 

I'm thankful for all the ways God has given me the gift of empathy. However, it's a LOT to deal with when you feel emotions so deeply (even the emotions of others). I've improved, but I am still trying to learn how to handle things without it overwhelming my mind and body. I was still feeling shocked, hurt, sad, and angry. The tears kept coming. I prayed and prayed; declaring that the enemy wasn't welcome to set up camp in my mind. I have been listening to the audio book by Louie Giglio, "Don't Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table: It's Time to Win the Battle of Your Mind...." I knew that this was exactly what the devil was trying to do. 

Over the next couple days of prayer, journaling, etc., I continued being intentional about focusing on the truth rather than the lies. Yet, I was still feeling a bit broken and knew I was teetering on the edge of a spiral and a visit to the "swamp of sadness". I prayed that God would give me a timely word of encouragement and affirmation. Just as He has always done before, He sent another person to "undo" the words by giving me new ones. I got an unexpected text from a precious friend of mine who said that when she saw my face, she was "filled with joy" and that I "leave a big impact on people." That, my friends, was God's voice speaking through her. Reckless words may have pierced like a sword, but those wise words brought healing (Proverbs 12:18). Also, like the next verse (19) states: "Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment." (NIV) 

A recent poem I wrote

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for Your enduring and eternal truth! Lies have no substance and will always unravel. That moment has passed, and I no longer live there. I will remember the things You have told me in Your Word and through the blessed words of other believers. Satan doesn't want me to believe that Your Spirit is in me or that Your fruit is there. He doesn't want me to remember that "joy" is one of those things that people experience and that they are impacted for good when they encounter You through me. He only wants to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). His attempt to derail me by showing up in another believer's careless words will not cause my identity to crumble or have me question my gifts and destiny. I know that the devil has been coming at me harder because he can see that my growth and purpose is building up to something. 

I would like to say that this story ends here, but it doesn't. Warfare never stops and we should NEVER take our spiritual armor off! The enemy came at me some more as he attempted to spin other words, thoughts, memories, and situations to make me believe that the initial blow had merit. Even though I knew what was happening, I ended up giving in and allowing myself to attend my own pity party instead. Despite that nudge to stop and reset, I resigned myself to the swamp even more. I was tired of fighting and resisting. It was too much work and I was exhausted with life. Why was I even still here? Why are things like this? Why do people hurt me and treat me the way that they do? Why, why, why.....? Dear God, just take me home to be with you. I don't belong here. Just let me go to sleep and not wake up since I have no right to "go to the wire".

At that, I dozed off on the couch where I was reclining at the time. In those early moments of slumber, God broke through into my mind and reminded me of someone else who had gotten himself stuck in that same thought spiral: Elijah. My eyes shot open and I was jolted awake. God had reset me! I went to 1 Kings 19 and read that chapter. Like Elijah, I had given in to the spirit of fear and it reminded me of how John Ramirez describes it in the book "Destroying Fear: Strategies to Overthrow the Enemy's Tactics and Walk in Total Freedom". He says:

This planted the seed of fear in Elijah, causing him to flee to Horeb. The fear that he allowed to enter his spirit eventually manifested as depression, then oppression and finally even thoughts of suicide.

John Ramirez also brilliantly points out: 

When we are crippled with fear, it crowds out His voice and His truths. When we are free from fear and worry, we are able to walk out our calling and purpose, the one our heavenly Father created us to fulfill. The enemy knows that when we are walking in our calling, we are dangerous to his mission. Therefore, he will do everything he can with the arsenal he has to prevent that from occurring. Fear is his strongest weapon, and he is not afraid to use it.

With these things in mind, I re-read 1 Kings 19 (NIV). Elijah had just had a showdown with the prophets of Baal in the previous chapter. Of course, Satan and his minions don't handle defeat very well. Elijah was a huge ongoing threat to them. They used Jezebel to intimidate him, fill him with fear, and send him packing. After he LEFT his servant in Beersheba, he went into the wilderness. Ah, yes. Typical, isn't it? We reject fellowship and retreat into a wilderness of isolation; which is just what Satan wants. Elijah arrived at his own "swamp of sadness" (or, in his case, under a broom tree) and threw himself a pity party; full of the same kind of thoughts I was having. He also went to sleep. An angel of the Lord woke him up twice so he could eat and keep on going. Though, what REALLY got me was when the Lord asked him TWICE: 

What are you doing here, Elijah? (v. 9 & 13)

Both times, Elijah says:

I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too. (v. 10 & 14) 

Basically, he's complaining about the fact that he's tried to do the right thing for the Lord; even though the rest of the people hadn't and were trying to destroy him like they did with his fellow prophets. He's saying, "I did it right. They're doing it wrong. Woe is me! I'm all alone and everyone is out to get me!" It doesn't seem like he's really answering the Lord's question; which was more for his benefit than God's. The Lord knew what Elijah was doing there; he was giving up and running away because he was afraid. WHAT was Elijah DOING there (versus where he had come from)? He wasn't doing anything but wallowing in self-pity, depression, and fear. He wasn't living out his purpose to which he was called; he was running away from it. That is what God wanted him to realize and why he told Elijah to go back and to anoint Elisha. 

That is also what God wants ME to realize. "What are you doing here, Melissa?" Ugh, yes....what am I doing HERE in the swamp of sadness? Why did I give into fear and self-pity? Why did I run away from where I was supposed to be just to come "here"? It's a waste of time. I was right. I don't belong "here"...in the swamp of sadness. Yes, I belong to Christ (and one day will be with Him) but He is also with me NOW. My purpose is to serve where I'm at and to disciple others like Jesus commanded (Matthew 28:19-20). He's not going to take me out of here while I still have work to do for the Kingdom. I can't allow the enemy to distract me from my purpose and keep me running back to the swamp. I repent, Lord. Forgive me!

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I hope that sharing all of this will help you like it helped me. What Satan tried to use against me, God turned around for His good purpose like He always does (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). It's now here on this blog for you (as well as for me whenever I need to re-read it for myself). I will continue renewing my mind with the Word and remembering things I've learned from other great books I've read as well (I highly recommend "Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts" by Jennie Allen, and "Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind" by Joyce Meyer). May we all continue to fight the good fight; keeping our armor on at all times and watching each others' backs as we lift each other up! God bless you!

Sounding Like Love

A couple days ago, the verse of the day in the You Version Bible app was Matthew 5:44. It was very timely. This is because I had just been challenged to pray in that very way the day prior. Though, it was for someone who really wasn't my enemy, but someone who was supposedly on the same side. I don' t know about you, but that seems even harder. For me, it's easier to pray for someone who is rude and hateful when they're unbelievers; rather than those who claim to be a believer. The Pharisees who have "clanging cymbal" attitudes (1 Corinthians 13:1-3) are supposed to "know" better. However, that's just it. They "know" a lot, but how well do they truly "know" HIM? At the same time, however, I very much know what it's like to live in that trap/bondage of legalism, criticism, and judgment. Therefore, I end up reminding myself that I should have MORE compassion when I encounter people that act like a past version of myself (or even a current version when I have moments of regression). I feel embarrassed when I remember my own "clanging cymbal" moments because I know that my "knowing" of Jesus is so much sweeter and deeper than it used to be.  

In another "timely" moment, I realized just how much all of that had been solidified even more. This week, I have finished reading "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom (and also watched the movie and documentary on Prime). I am so struck by so many different things. One of which is how Corrie's sister, Betsie, had a burning heart to evangelize to the Nazis and fellow prisoners; even in the midst of her own suffering. She believed that if someone could be taught to hate, they could also be taught to love. She, Corrie, and their family lived lives that truly sought to imitate Christ. It makes Paul's words really make sense. He talks about being imitators of God; and also of himself as he imitates Christ (Ephesians 5:1, 1 Corinthians 11:1). The Ten Boom family are real life examples of people who did this well. It inspires me to love genuinely; because it's vitally important if we are going to demonstrate the life-changing power of the Gospel and how His love transforms and saves us.

In the past two Sundays at church, the focus has been on the fruit of the Spirit. I want to produce good fruit; and the fruit of the Spirit is something that only Christ can produce. My word, "abide", is key to that production; because my sinful flesh can produce no good thing. So, I prayed for this person (and myself) that the fruit of the Spirit would be what grows in our hearts. I prayed for the ability to love and see the person as Jesus sees them; remembering that I too have been a blind Pharisee and not known it. Even still, I know how easy that trap is and know human pride never makes me immune and guiltless of it. This is why we need to forgive as we have been forgiven and remember that the measure we use is also measured to us as well (Luke 6:36-38). We can deceive ourselves like the rich young ruler with all the rules and good deeds, but there are ALWAYS going to be areas where we are lacking. For that, it requires honesty, surrender, repentance, and obedience to the will of Christ. 

I must choose to overcome evil with good and be kind; for love covers a multitude of sins. I must be a better imitation of the One to which I'm committed to conforming to. People MUST see more of Him and less of myself (John 3:30). I cannot allow the light in me to actually be darkness (Matthew 6:23). I don't want to just make a bunch of noise. I want to be a sweet, melodious, and beautiful sound! That can only happen if I'm filled and fueled by the love of Jesus. I want to be defined by what love is in 1 Corinthians 13; not by what it isn't.

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Pray, surrender, repent, and abide. May we be transformed every day by the renewing of our minds so we can love like Jesus. God bless you!

My Word for 2025: Abide

In my previous post, I shared about how I had grown in hope (which was my word for 2024) and persevered through a very difficult second half of the year. But, even then, I had no idea that just two days later, I'd be hit hard again. In the early morning hours of December 31st, I was hit with the most horrendous sickness I've had in a long time. Norovirus got a hold of me and I had to stay home (and in the bathroom) almost constantly. When I wasn't on the porcelain throne, and heaving into a bowl at the same time, I was attempting to rest and stay hydrated (which was very difficult; especially with the fever and body aches). I was a good deal better on New Year's Day, but I had slept through midnight and well into the day. Not exactly the ideal picture of getting started fresh in the new year. I felt like I had crawled my way across the finish line of 2024 and dragged myself into 2025. Yet, I am so extremely thankful! I'm here! I made it! Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!

As usual, I started seeking my new word for the coming year. On the day after Christmas, I began praying and asking for it to be revealed. The very first thing that came to my mind was the song "Oceans". So, I started listening to it to see what stood out. I felt drenched with peace and assurance as I worshiped and wept. The the words "deep" and "trust" seemed to rise up within me. I thought that maybe, my word was going to be "deeper", and I was prepared and very happy to embrace it. I want more of Him; always. I do want to grow and go deeper. The sweet friendship, fellowship, and intimacy I have with Jesus becomes more rich and precious with each passing year of life that He gives me. 

I continued to pray over the next several days; keeping my spiritual senses open to receive and discern. I noticed that I kept seeing John 15:5 (one of my favorite verses) appear in various places. It caused me to consider that maybe my word would be "abide" or maybe "abide deeper" or something like that. I like to look up numbers that pop up in my daily happenings too; seeing if they correspond with a Bible verse or concordance entry that resonates with my spirit. I visited room number 4116 when I needed to see a family member in the hospital recently. Though, nothing I looked up seemed to really stand out. It wasn't until I noticed that "abide" in John 15:5 is the same word in 1 John 4:16 (technically, it's "abiding"). That seemed to really resonate in my spirit, but of course I asked for more confirmation. I continued to pray and long for more of His comfort and presence, there were two songs that came to mind: MercyMe's "Here With Me" and Newsboys "Presence (My Heart's Desire)". 

As I worshiped and bawled once again, I felt the peace, joy, and comfort come as the words of that second song welled up within me: 

Oh Father, come and let Your spirit abide
I long for Your presence
This is my heart's desire

I knew I probably had my word now. However, I asked for more clarity; just in case I had manufactured it in any way. As usual, I just wanted to be more sure. God is so gracious. He answers the seeking heart. Much like with previous words, He usually gives me a VERY obvious (and humorous) sign that it's for real. Other than the song, I don't know that I really said the word out loud in a way that Facebook "heard" me, but in any case, it showed up when I was scrolling again. This time, it was in a very convenient ad for a Christian T-shirt. When I saw it, I pretty much saw Will Smith in my mind presenting it like this lol. "Alright, alright....there's my word!" Facebook got me good....because I actually did end up buying the shirt (and the site offered a "mystery shirt" for 50% off that I was too curious to say "no" to, so we'll see what other shirt ends up coming with it!). The ad also continued to show up in my feed repeatedly; reminding me to finally get around to writing this blog post.  

Now, I'm just enjoying my new word. We probably don't hear it as much as we used to (unless you're my husband and you like to say "the dude abides" because of that ridiculous movie). The first time I recall hearing the word was in the hymn "Abide With Me". As with most hymns I grew up on, it makes me think of my Grandmother singing it as I stood beside her in the church pew. When you "abide" you stay, remain, dwell, and endure. "Abide" is a strong word; a "deep" word, for sure. It's steadfast, certain, and secure. The hymn itself conveys the kind of "abide" that says, "Lord, STAY with me. Don't leave me." Indeed. He will. He will never leave or forsake us; He is with us ALWAYS (Deuteronomy 31:6, Matthew 28:20). Though, we hardly have to beg God to be faithful to stay with us. WE are the ones that need to learn how to "abide". He'll stay with us, but we need to learn to stay with HIM; abiding and remaining in Him and His love. I am very much comforted by the fact that the only "dude" that I need to be concerned about "abiding" is my friend, Jesus. He's always going to be there and He always has been. I pray that I will be faithful to abide as well; staying firm to the end. 

As I contemplate my word for this year, it makes me wonder what all it will apply to beyond just the spiritual sense. Something that has been spoken over me a lot in recent years has been that I'm 'right where I'm supposed to be'. Some changes happen and you have no say in it, but there are other times where you pray and wonder if it's time to make a voluntary change in one area or another. So, it has me thinking if this is another way of telling me that I need to "abide" where I'm at; that it's still not the right time to change things up. I won't go into all the various rabbit holes here, but many know that the obvious one is regarding my job. I have enjoyed many years of working with the best team ever, but that is going to change this Summer when my bosses retire. The rest of us who remain have been waiting and wondering about whether we should "abide" or not; or if the absence of these two wonderful people (who are like parents to me) is going to be too much to handle without them. I keep saying that I won't move unless God tells me to, but a big part of me really longs to go when they go for so many reasons. Yet, the idea of leaving is also almost unfathomable as well. There are just too many pros and cons to sort through. If the Lord really wants me to stay and continue to "abide" at my job of 10 years, I will. But, if "abide" doesn't apply to this situation, I'll also step into whatever it is He has in store for me. A big part of me has been feeling like my time there is winding down and that I have learned and grown in the ways I've needed to and that the Lord is about to use all of those lessons to start something completely new in my life that I'll finally be ready for. I don't know for sure. 

The one thing that I DO know is that I want to keep growing. I want to be FRUITFUL and that comes from abiding. Pastor Roy's message today was just too perfect! He started talking about the fruit of the Spirit; which is one of my favorite things to study. It made me so happy because it only amplifies this beautiful word that the Lord gave me and makes me all the more eager to meditate on it and grow! 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I pray that we will all have a blessed 2025! I believe we have a lot to look forward to! Give Him 15 has also been very encouraging and has resonated with my spirit a lot (Dutch has been talking about revival and reformation intensifying). Keep praying, persevering, and abiding in Christ! God bless you!