Come Near: A Tale of Two Strays

A short time ago, I visited some family in South Carolina. While at my brother's house, I met his dog for the first time. Technically, she's a stray that he has basically claimed as his own; and she has pretty much claimed him as well. He named her "Fallon" The catch is, she still very much acts like a stray. Despite being fed and provided for by my brother, she still has not warmed up to him (or anyone else). She sticks around the property, but keeps her distance from everyone. We all assume that she has probably gone through abuse and trauma early on in life. Whatever the case, she will only get so close to a human before she shies away. 

One morning, while I was sitting out on the porch, she came up out of nowhere. When she realized that I was sitting there, she stopped at the steps. I was listening to worship music on my phone, and I thought maybe by some supernatural miracle, that was what drew her. However, that is as far as she went. I called her name and assured her it was OK. So often, we see the yearning in her as she whimpers and hesitates. Yet, she always decides to back down. No matter how much we want to show her even more love, she simply will not let her guard down and fully let the love in. It's truly heartbreaking. She won't come near.

For several weeks now, I have continued to think about Fallon. Up until now, I hadn't gotten around to writing about her yet. Recently, it came into focus when I considered our own stray at our house. She is the perfect example of what it means to come near; to love and be loved. 

The stray at my house is a small little kitty (and that's basically what we call her; "little kitty"). She's little, but she loves much. This sweet little baby is frequently waiting on the steps when we get home. She mews and talks to us; yearning to be picked up. She could cuddle with you all day every day and never tire of it. It is the sole reason she comes to our house. We've set out a water dish (and she'll occasionally drink from it), but she turns up her nose any time we take pity on her and want to give her some scraps. I could be cooking some delicious meat, and she won't even want a taste of it. She rather prefers the tiny rodents she stalks and kills; and often brings their headless bodies to us as a "present." 

The neighbor's cat, "Muffins", also likes to visit us (he's a real big, beefy, and exotic looking cat that we usually just call "Fat Boy"). He also loves attention and cuddles; and will gladly take any food scraps that Little Kitty rejects. Little Kitty seems to get annoyed by his presence; often swatting at him so he doesn't interfere with her own cuddle time. Every day, she lets us know when she's at our doorstep. Even if the front door is closed, we can hear her mewing. When the air conditioner was still in the window, she would even hop on top of it so we could hear her even better at the living room window. If we didn't come outside and pay attention to her right away, she would often chill out behind a little bush beside our front door. Usually, there comes a point where we can't stand the pitiful mewing and sad eyes forever. I would feel especially bad for her if it was raining outside. This is what moved me to buy a cheap little "kitty house" on Amazon lol. We put it by her favorite bush so that she would have a waterproof/insulated place to be ("Fat Boy" tried to hone in on it too, but he was too hefty to get in and out of it lol). When I first showed her the kitty house, she was way too happy that I was outside petting her to fully check it out. I had to go indoors before she would actually go all the way inside it. Now, she goes in there a lot; and it makes me so happy to give it to her and that she loves it. Though, she immediately comes right out if any of us walk out the door. She can't help herself. She wants to show her love to us; and to be loved BY us. It's heart-melting. She always comes near. 

By now, you probably know where I'm going with this (and be sure to watch the short video if you want to see Fallon and Little Kitty in action). We have a Father in heaven that loves us SO MUCH!! He is our Good Shepherd; and we are His sheep. We are His, and He calls us by name (Isaiah 43:1, Isaiah 45:3, Isaiah 49:1). Like Fallon and Little Kitty, we have all been strays and orphans (Isaiah 53:6, John 14:18). Even when we are accepted into His family, sometimes we struggle to believe we're truly loved and that it's OK to come near. We hesitate to trust and embrace the safety of the One who wants to lavish His love and goodness on us because of past hurts and trauma. Perfect love casts out fear, but we have to be willing to surrender and let go. He is gentle and patient with us. In our "Fallon" moments, He will still love, provide, and pursue us; but He won't force us. It doesn't change how He feels about us if we won't come near, but ohhhhhhhhh how He LONGS for us to do so! What freedom there is in His perfect love! What joy! What peace!

How I wish Fallon would fully let love in! She'll accept the good gifts from the hand that feeds and provides for her, but not the heart behind it. Little Kitty is the opposite. She will petition and ask incessantly like the persistent widow in the Bible who asked for justice. She will not give up until her request is granted! She will accept good things from us, sure, but she most desires the heart and affections of the one she loves and is loved by. Oh my goodness, do we have any idea how THRILLED the Father must be when we hunger and thirst for Him in that same way?! I think about how delighted He must be when His children just want to come near. When we draw near to Him, He draws near to us (James 4:8). He can't possibly refuse! He knows we need and enjoy the blessings from His hand (like food and shelter). Though, how He must love the hearts that say: "even if I didn't have these things, You are enough for me. I just want you!" That's what Little Kitty has demonstrated to me. She just wants to be near us and with us. That's enough for her. That's the kind of heart I want to have too. To love and be loved by God, to be content with Him, that's enough. As Paul says: 

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:12-13.  

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I pray that you'll allow yourself to love and be loved by the Father. Don't miss out on the Father's heart! Don't be afraid to come near! Whatever hurts you have, He wants to heal it. You can trust Him! Love and be loved by Him; you won't regret it! God bless you! 

Cross Walk

It is now October. This year has both simultaneously dragged on and flown by. As I've mentioned a lot already, there has been a lot of changes (both positive and negative) as well as grief; both personally and corporately. I cannot begin to list and explain them all. All I know is that my word for this year (Abide) seems laughable, ironic, and somewhat incompatible with the liminality that I've been experiencing this year. Everything seems very Twilight Zone-ish and the idea of "abiding" and remaining in such a weird in-between state makes me feel like it's harder to stay tethered to reality (because reality seems so much harder to grasp when I don't know how to make sense of or accept it). The last time I felt this disoriented and out-of-place was during the turbulence of 2010 - 2013 when I was getting divorced and having to adjust to a life and identity I didn't recognize.

Thankfully, at the heart of the word "abide", is the fact that it's not about abiding in my circumstances but abiding (remaining) in Christ; and Christ abiding in me. That is an anchor for my soul; the tether of all tethers that keeps me grounded. With a lot of intentional heart-work, I've been able to cope and adjust far better than I did fifteen years ago. Back then, I multiplied my pain by running to all the wrong things and away from Jesus. This time, I've done the opposite and can see the clear difference between how my current and former selves have chosen to endure and grow through changes, hardships, and grief. 

As I was reflecting about all this, I really sat deep in thought about how Jesus told us to deny ourselves and take up our crosses and follow Him. I know that none of us have all the answers to the "whys" of sufferings. Yet, as I absorbed Jesus' words, all the broken pieces seemed to come together like a mosaic; bringing the bigger and more beautiful picture together. 

First, there's the denial of self; the forsaking of our flesh and all of our pride and self-proclaimed wisdom. The decision to do so is an act of humility, admission, and surrender. It's a declaration of dependency on Christ. The choice to follow Jesus is twofold because He told us no one can serve two masters. Christ and the flesh go in two different directions; you can't follow them both. To follow one means to unfollow the other (Romans 8:12-14)

Next, there's the "take up your cross" part. It made me think about how individualized that is. We all have unique burdens and struggles to bear. My cross of suffering is a different one than someone else's. We all have hardships, traumas, losses, and sufferings, but the variances between us all are endlessly unique and nuanced. So, whatever that looks like for each of us, it really is "our cross to bear." We each carry our own, but we do have others believers to lean on and help us (Galatians 6:2-5). Even Jesus had an "inner circle". Peter, James, and John went "further in" with Jesus. Even as Jesus carried his literal cross, He had help from Simon of Cyrene. We don't have to (and shouldn't have to) go it alone. Pastor Roy recently had a great message about this! 

Now, here we are at that final part: "follow me." Follow Him? How? Where? At one point, He told His disciples that where He was going, they couldn't come (John 8:14-24, John 13:33-36). Do you know what's interesting about both of these scriptures? In John 8, He talks about them dying in their sins. In John 13, He urges them to love one another and that while they wouldn't be able to go where He was going now, they would later. His death and resurrection made the way possible for all of us to go where we could not come before! The sin that separated us before would separate us no longer! We will not die in our sins if our faith is in Him! And He knows those who love Him because they obey His commands; loving God and loving others. 

The big picture? Christ said the way to the Father is through Him (John 14:6). It is by grace that we are saved through faith (Ephesians 2:8). He is the Savior; not us or our works. We deny ourselves and admit that we cannot save ourselves and that His way, not ours, is the way we are going to follow (self-denial and surrender). Then, we armor up (Ephesians 6:10-18) and KEEP it on! That helmet of salvation is crucial! It's kind of like the Mandalorian; don't remove your helmet or allow it to be removed by others. Let the assurance of Christ's salvation guard your mind! "This is the way!" Now, use the rest of that armor on this journey to "where you are going". We are heaven bound, but we are not there yet. Until then, keep the breastplate of His righteousness on and your shield of faith up. Use it to deflect the fiery arrows of the enemy and strike down lies with the sword of the Spirit (Word of God). Keep the truth buckled around you and your feet always ready to walk in the Gospel of peace (and sharing it with others). Don't forget, we NEED others to share the Gospel with us as much as we do with them; we have nothing covering our backs aside from each other! 

The battle doesn't end until we take our last breath. We just have to keep fighting the good fight (1 Timothy 6:12). I know it's hard to carry that cross every day, but don't forget that it's HIS way that we are following! His yoke is easy and His burden is light; He will TEACH us (Matthew 11:28-30). We can cast our cares on Him because He cares for us (Psalm 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7). In THIS world, we WILL have trouble, but we can take heart because HE has overcome the world (John 16:33). Christ's own journey to the cross was no cakewalk either; why would ours be? From His birth to death, His life wasn't exempt from suffering. Think about all the hardship and chaos surrounding His conception, birth; and having to flee to Egypt afterwards. Think about all the persecution from the Pharisees and others which led to his arrest, torture, and execution. Even as He preached the Gospel and healed people, He didn't have a permanent place to rest His head. Our King never made His home in a palace or lived a life of creature comforts. He was born in a manager, slept wherever they were welcomed as they traveled, and was buried in a borrowed grave after suffering an excruciating and undeserved death on our behalf. 

Whatever burdens are nailed on our personal crosses that we carry have already been borne by our Savior. There's nothing He doesn't understand. He already suffered it all for us. Whatever we go through is to build our character and continue the journey of self-denial, picking up our cross, and following Him: 

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. - Romans 5:3-5

Over the years, it's become apparent to me that it's far too easy to say "why me" out of self-pity instead of "why me" out of curiosity. When wallowing gets chosen over worshiping, I'm making myself the focus instead of Him. I have learned that where I fix my gaze MATTERS more than anything! Whatever/whomever is the focal point, that's who is being followed. If I follow my own flesh, I'll go in circles and spiral out-of-control. When I fix my gaze on Him, He shows me the way out and keeps my feet on the right path. I remind myself to stay curious and pursue the "whys" in Him. Curiosity and seeking Him leads to the discovery of such wonderful treasures that can't be found in anyone or anything else! He shows me and teaches me the things I need to know. Though, sometimes there are things that seem unfair or don't seem to make sense. However, God told me a long time ago that sometimes I have to be ok with not knowing things. That's a hard one, because like most people, I like to know and have the answers. But, maybe some things are just too much for my finite brain to comprehend from an infinitely good, wise, and perfect God.

I've also come to the realization and acceptance of the fact that the war never stops. It's no wonder we are told to put our armor ON, but we're never told to take it off. It's hard, and I get weary of it. Though, do I really expect to not face hardships and suffering? Where does it say that we ever put our cross down? It may sound bleak to sort of say the suffering never ends, but it's true and not true at the same time. We're assured that no matter what thorn we have in our side, His grace is sufficient for us (2 Corinthians 12:6-9). To some degree, C3PO's lament of suffering being "our lot in life" is true. No one is exempt from it, but
we don't have to worry about it: 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7. 

This is how we deal with the suffering of the now until the time where there is no more. The old order of things have not passed away yet. Right now, we have to contend with a "time for everything". It's not ALL suffering any more than it's all pleasure either. Sometimes the cross is heavier and sometimes it feels lighter; but it's always with us and so is He (and so is the church). 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! I'm still here for a reason, and so are you! Life is hard, but God is good; always. Forsake your flesh and surrender! Link arms with Jesus (and others) as you carry your cross, and follow Him all your days. You will get through this. You have crossed over from death into life (John 5:24). God bless you!

Priceless Pennies

A few days ago, the devotional on Our Daily Bread mentioned someone who always touches my heart: Jane Kristen Marczewski (aka Nightbirde). You may or may not recall this amazing, brave, faith-filled, talented woman whose golden buzzer moment on AGT is one of the most memorable ever. I'll never forget it. Everything about that audition made me weep (and it still does; even at this moment and every time I watch it). Even though she was frail, she radiated God's love, peace, joy, and hope. She declared the goodness of God and she famously told the judges, "You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy." She knew where her source of joy was. In her songs, blog, and poetry, she bore her heart in such a genuine way; and she glorified the Lord with her life. I often listen to "It's Ok" as well as her cover of "The Story I'll Tell". In it, she sings, "my God did not fail"; even while knowing that her cancer was likely going to take her life (which it did). She knew that God's wisdom is beyond our expectations and interpretations of what we think success is.

Even though I didn't know her personally, her impact on me has been deep. She inspires me and keeps me tethered to my faith when I feel like life is hard and I struggle to choose joy. I hear those songs, see her grin and her radiant glow, and know that that's what true worship looks like. She was a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) and a testament of His grace (amazingly, Jeremy Avila just talked about being a living sacrifice at our most recent Friday Worship Night). Like the apostle Paul, she knew that whether in death or life, it's all a win with Jesus: 

For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die. - Philippians 1:20 (NLT)

This year has been hard. There's been a lot of grief. Not only did we unexpectedly lose Melissa Coy to a cancer battle she didn't know she was fighting, but we also just lost Karrah Teruya to the one she's been bravely battling for years. I had literally just seen her at a Melissa's memorial. Like Nightbirde, she still had that radiance. I often told her she was a phoenix because of how she continued to rise from the ashes. Every time the medical community thought it was over for her, she kept proving them wrong. No one fought harder to live and make the most out of the time she was given than Karrah (she even got her master's degree!). She didn't take cancer lying down. She pushed back like the warrior she always was. It just makes my heart hurt all the more that these three amazing women are no longer with us; their loss leaves such a hole where they once shined so brightly. Though, I'm comforted in knowing that they are in their perfect and glorious heavenly home. Cancer didn't get the final word; the cross did!

On a more national and global scale, we've also seen the horrors of war, natural disasters, school shootings, and shocking videos this past week of people being killed in cold blood. The grief and heaviness is everywhere in my social media feeds. It hurts. 

Yesterday and today, I was having some tearful moments (regarding all of the above as well as other hurts and things I won't go into). I've let myself cry and try to let the ache out; especially knowing that today marks two months that Melissa unexpectedly went to heaven. I was feeling very drained physically, so that usually has me seeking out a big salad to nourish me. So, I went to Martin's for lunch today to visit the salad bar. Melissa and I had gone there for a lunch date in the past. I was thinking of her before I got out of my car and said, "I miss you, Missy....I miss you, Melissa." Then, out of the blue (and quite literally) a Martin's worker in the parking lot noticed me and started coming my way as if she knew me. She was drawn to me because of my blue hair and colorful attire. She showed me her purple hair wrapped up in a sequined scrunchie at the back of her hat (I have a similar one like it, actually). She was wearing colorful glasses and we just started chatting it up as if we were old friends. Her name tag said, "Missy". I asked if it was short for "Melissa" because that was my name. She said it was, and it made it all the nicer. I asked how I could pray for her and she said it was usually her that did the praying for people. "Me too," I said. I told her the blue hair thing gets me a lot of prayer opportunities. She handed me these cross pennies and told me that this was one of her things. 

I prayed and we parted ways for today. It felt like such an especially good and fitting blessing for this two month marker. Pennies for my thoughts; and the cross is right there within them. He anchors and sustains me; abiding and remaining there. My word for this year (abide) continuing to show me why there couldn't have been a more comforting and important word to hold onto for 2025. There have been a lot of heartbreaking things this year; a lot of painful changes and exits of various kinds. Through every loss, One always stays and never leaves: Jesus. That anchor for my soul, that hope, my Savior, has kept all the grief in check. With every crashing wave, I haven't drowned:  

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. - 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 (NIV)

 

He is FAITHFUL! GREAT is His faithfulness and His mercies that are NEW every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23)! Even when I struggle to greet a fresh day gifted to me, I give thanks and depend on Him to get me going.

I recently saw an ad in my feed for this ring. It really spoke to me and I decided that I really needed to buy it and wear it as a reminder (it's currently making it's way to me through the mail). Whether you know this about me or not, I don't have a problem being honest, real, and vulnerable. I know I've shared this before, but I've struggled with wanting to persevere (and sometimes, my promise to my friend Shane has been one of the last threads at the end of my rope when I've been at my most fragile points in life). Yet, I continue to endure. I'm pro-life, and that includes my own life too; no matter how hard it gets. Katherine Wolf says "if you have a pulse, you have a purpose". She, Joni Eareckson Tada, and Nick Vujicic are all shining examples of living on purpose WITH purpose. Faith should fuel every believer to keep their eyes on Jesus and keep going. It's not about us; it's about Him. Karrah lived that way. Missy lived that way. Nightbirde lived that way. I also choose to live that way until it's my turn to go home. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! If you are also struggling to process grief, I highly recommend Katherine Wolf's book "Suffer Strong". It's one that I will likely re-read (after I read the rest of her books as well). I'm also making my way through "It's Ok That You're Not Ok" by Megan Devine. "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis is also one that I have read a few times. Just know that grief isn't a "problem" that needs to be fixed, or something to be rushed through. Feel what you feel. The loss hurts much because you love much. Regardless of how personal or impersonal the connection was, that void is felt when what or whom you have lost is no longer there. You can't go back and change it, but you are not alone. Jesus never changes and never leaves. It makes me all the more grateful for this year's word.  As I continue to abide, I feel the joy and comfort in the fact that my Savior always stays and remains with me. He doesn't abandon me. I'm still here. He's still here. He knows. He cares. He holds me up. He is with me; and I'm remaining and abiding with Him too. Reach out to Him; He hears you! Stay connected with your family, your pastor, and church family/friends. Call someone. Get support/help. You will get through this! Don't give up! God bless you!