The Depth Behind "Rolling in the Deep"

"Rolling in the Deep" is probably Adele's most popular and well-known song; as well as popular and well-known in general. Most can probably sing and recite the lyrics easily. Whether it's because people connect with it (or simply because they've heard it so much) there are many reasons why it's as beloved as it is. Though, like many songs, many probably sing it without really considering the depth or the weight of the words. 

Adele's music and lyrics have always resonated strongly with me. I ponder the meaning behind each song and relate to each one in some way. The songs she writes are the result of the experiences she has had (most of them involving tragedy in a relationship). It's no mystery as to why I can personalize her songs in a way that fits my own unique circumstances. "Rolling in the Deep" is one that I have heard and sung countless times. Though, I have some fresh insight and understanding into the words. 

Like everyone else, I have seen my share of loss in relationships; whether we're talking friendships or romantic connections. Each loss has varied in degree. Some were no big deal while others were absolutely unbearable (and haunt me even still). Without going into detail, I'll just say that something triggered "Rolling in the Deep" in my mind. I really started thinking about each word and how it did (or didn't) apply to current and past situations. It has been so long since I have bothered to blog anything, but this seemed like some powerful insights that needed to be shared. Someone out there besides me needs to read this: 

"There's a fire starting in my heart; reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark...." This describes the moment where you know there's a fire inside that is reaching it's hottest point to where it's undeniable. It burns so hot and so bright that it brings you out of the dark (denial) you've been in. You wake up and say, "finally I can see you crystal clear." The truth is as clear as day and brings out a lot of those fiery emotions; whether good or bad. There's usually a lot of rage directed at the person who wronged you: "go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare. See how I'll leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do!" The feeling of anger (and sometimes revenge) cries out at the injustices that might have occurred. Betray me and I'll betray you. Take from me and I'll take you down with me; and if you don't think I will, you're underestimating me. 

There are usually many more emotions that follow. There are stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Those stages are clearly evident in the lyrics as she goes from getting out of denial to being angry. Then comes the bargaining and depression as she reflects on the hurt: "The scars of your love remind me of us they keep me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love they leave me breathless I can't help feeling...We could have had it all, rolling in the deep. You had my heart inside of your hand, and you played it to the beat." What once were memories become scars of what was. You can't believe it and it takes your breath away. You play the "what if" game of what was and what could have been. You could have had it all; rolling in the depths of what you shared. Your heart was in their hands and they played you. 

The grief stages continue to cycle and more anger surfaces: "Baby, I have no story to be told; but I heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn! Think of me in the depths of your despair. Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared." Often times, that hurt turns into hate and you long to make a person's "head burn" (or ears burn, as the saying goes). You talk about them to your friends and maybe even gossip and spread rumors. Sometimes, we leave our own role out of it and only focus on what "they" did wrong; and hope with all our hearts that they will hurt a lot more. We hope they're tortured by our memory as we strive not to be tortured by theirs. We shake our fists and say: "You're gonna wish you'd never met me. Tears are gonna fall; rolling in the deep." We may wish we had never met them too, but our hurt has us wishing even more that they regret what they've done because if not, they soon will as we make it miserable for them. May the tears fall as they think about all they had and could have had! 

Then, comes the sort of "acceptance" part: "Throw your soul through every open door. Count your blessings to find what you look for. Turn my sorrow into treasured gold. You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow." This, by far, is the most positive and healing element of the whole process; the anticipated result of the journey of pain. It's the point where you let go and wish them well. You hope that they put their heart into the next "open door" that they come across; counting their blessings in every good and bad experience. Eventually, they'll find what they're looking for (as will you, if you do the same). The sorrow that turns into treasured gold are those precious nuggets of wisdom that you mine from each painful experience. It's not all for nothing. If they (as well as you) can gleam something from all the mess, you realize it is not a waste if you can learn from their (and YOUR) mistakes. You have to sift through a lot of filth to find the gems. Then, you finally realize that the greatest "revenge" doesn't come from creating MORE pain. The "sweeter" revenge is forgiveness and finding peace; and finding out that they have found the same. That's how they "pay you back in kind" if they (and you) have shown remorse for the wrongs committed. The rewards are reaped indeed (Psalm 126:4-6, James 3:18). Consequences will also be reaped should you continue to ignore the gold and sow trouble (Job 4:7-9, Proverbs 22:8, Galatians 6:7-8). 

This song has been such a good lesson and illustration for me; for not only the recent incidence but for past ones as well. Yet, my big heart has always been a double-edged sword. My willingness to give the benefit of the doubt (and see the best in people despite some obvious faults and/or "deal breakers") often blinds me from accepting the reality of who people are. I am no Oprah fan, but this is probably one of the truest things I've ever heard her say: "When people show you who they really are, believe them."  Accept it and then deal with it accordingly. Yes, people can and do change, but it's THEIR choice. The only one you can change and make decisions for is "you." Make a decision to stay away from those that are divisive, toxic, and even dangerous. Sometimes it means saying good-bye when you realize that no matter what you do, they will never do what it takes to make their own right choices and they cause nothing but trouble (Titus 3:9-11). 

We all hope to find those rare and "deep" people that we can count on. Those that truly are, hold them close! Cut out the "shallow" ones from your life and learn to treasure every good and bad experience and turn it into an opportunity! May you all roll in the depths of God's love, wisdom, grace, and forgiveness! Grace and peace to all of you! 

"I Love My Mom Because..."

Mother’s Day was like most holidays have been in this past year; emotional and painful. Nothing’s the same as it used to be (which is both a blessing and a curse). Besides that, I’ve never really felt like I’ve been that great of a Mom; especially when there are those that do so much more and are those Betty Crocker Moms or something. I know no one can do it all, but I feel even more inadequate considering the fact that I’m a working/single Mom now (and that I’ve ultimately failed my kids). I know it’s not true, but I’ve always wanted the best for them and even though some will argue that leaving an abusive home IS the best thing for them (and me) it still hurts that our family couldn’t be saved.

The kids have adjusted better than I have. I’m getting there, but I know it’s still a process. It always seems like there’s a lot on my shoulders. Thank goodness for family and friends that help shoulder the load (I appreciate it immensely!). And, thank goodness for the simple little things that touch my heart and remind me that even though the kids act up and seem like they don’t need me sometimes, they do care. I love the sweet little things that they made for me; all the little cards and art projects. I think the one I’m going to share with you is going to be the one that stands out the most because it’s Casey’s own thoughts put to paper. It is a “Top 10” list of why he loves me and they had to fill in the blanks at school. Here it is (and in his own/exact words lol):

10. I love my mom because she reads me: a dinosaur story.
  9. I love my mom because she helps me: clan up my room.
  8. I love my mom when she makes me laugh by: silly story.
  7. I love my mom because she taught me how to: ride a bike.
  6. I love to hear my mom sing: chrch song.
  5. I love my mom because she finds time to: play wit me.
  4. I know my mom cares because she: know she pick me up.
  3. I know my mom is smart because she: play dino hunt.
  2. I love my mom because she works so hard at: Walmart.
  1. I love my mom because she’s the best mom ever!

                                                             Love: Casey

Finally! It’s like he’s really communicating how he feels and what means most to him! Sometimes, it’s hard to know what matters most when they don’t have the word power to really say it. Even though Mommy doesn’t really like big scary dinosaurs with sharp teeth (oh, how I miss the days of Thomas the Tank Engine and his nice happy smiling face lol) he’s saying that he likes it when I care about the things he cares about and when I show interest in it by sharing it with him. It’s been a while since we went on a dino hunt, so maybe next time I will think of the dinos as being pretty, pink, and sparkly. Then, maybe it will seem more appealing (or I could think of how fashionable it would be if one could carry a dino skin purse - how trendy!).

The things that got me most (which made me teary as well as made me laugh) is when he said I work hard at Walmart (hey, I DO lol!!). I’m glad that he recognizes my efforts and that he’s proud of me. It also thrills me that he recognizes my love for him in the form of my dependability/responsibility in picking him up and being there for him.

The other  pleasant surprise was the bike comment. I had always thought that Mitch would be the one to teach Casey how to ride a bike. I thought it was a father/son thing. So, even though I was proud to teach him, it made me a little sad at the same time (sadder still when I texted “Daddy” a picture and Casey was like: “Daddy will be happy to see me ride!” and he made no comment or showed that he even cared or was proud of our son).

Last but not least, the fact that Casey likes to hear me sing “church songs” moved me. Actually, I can’t even remember the last time I sang a “church song”. However, he’s said recently that he likes to hear me sing. Lots of times, Gianna and I sing the “Rapunzel songs” together and he will tell me how pretty I sing. I’m just glad that he apparently values songs of faith; and faith in general. No matter how he has acted up (and grown up) lately, he still has that sweet and tender heart! I want a heart like that!

I truly love my kids so much! I may not always be the best Mom in the world, but I try; and truly want to keep trying to be a better one so I can keep learning more reasons why my kids “love my mom because”.

God bless each and every one of you Moms and your children; and our hearts go out to the broken hearted Moms who struggle in some form or another (whether it be some form of child loss or childlessness). Love and grace to you all!

Three Little Goals; One Big Start!

We all have what is called a "rock bottom." Even when we hit it, sometimes it still takes a while for it to become real and for us to do anything about it. That's how I have felt this past year; like I have hit my all-time low and just couldn't/wouldn't do anything to truly get up off the ground (and plunged myself into deeper sub-levels instead). Though, there were times where I thought things were getting better, only to get worse again. Though, as I explained in my last blog, a large part of that is my own fault. Bad choices and the flesh leading the spirit instead of the other way around. I made a mess on top of a mess and compounded my issues.

I've heard Dr. Phil say that sometimes something starts for one reason and then continues for another. Things happen that may or may not be in your control, but the way you choose to react is ALWAYS within your control! There is a lot about my divorce that I couldn't control, but how I coped with it could have been a LOT better! I won't detail my pain and mistakes right now, but what I will say is that I have finally had enough! Stuff happens, but the snowball effect doesn't have to! I don't have to allow things that ARE within my control to get OUT of control! I need to choose to make positive choices and remember that serenity prayer about learning to change what you can, accept what you can't, and have the wisdom to know which is which.

The things that I "know" need to transition to the things that I "do". Those that love me most (and even my own self) has told me to take time for me, heal, and wise up. I have struggled to find the meaning in that because the "how" of healing hasn't come easily. Maybe it should have (God being the obvious answer) but I chose indifference because I felt that with or without God, it really didn't matter anymore. I felt that my life is, and always has been, a mess regardless if God was my focus or not. So, what does it matter? In my heart, I knew/know it DOES make a difference and I need to truly remember the fact that I was much better off WITH God than without.

It's time to "forgive" God; as well as forgive myself. It's time to value and respect myself again and make peace with myself more than anything else. I need to stop punishing myself with my self-destructive behavior. Therefore, I am going to list a few steps that I am going to take right now to start bettering myself. The "all or nothing" Melissa wants to fix absolutely everything and go all out changing absolutely every single thing I can think of, but I realize it's overwhelming and unrealistic. That kind of pressure is what causes me to be harsh on myself again (and predestines me to burnout and failure). So, I won't attempt to fix everything all at once and I will be patient with myself in whatever steps I take (and accomplish) as I keep taking more. One day at a time, Melissa! Well, better yet, one moment at a time!

There are three things that I am going to do this week....

1. I am going to start reading Brian "Head" Welch's devotional book, "Stronger", once again. I had started it, but never finished it. At the very least, it will start feeding the faith that has dwindled away to next to nothing. And maybe, I will re-read C.S. Lewis' short and helpful little book "A Grief Observed" again. POWERFUL little read that details his own grieving process and rebuilding faith after loss.

2. I am going to be self-aware and mindful. I will do my best to challenge my thoughts and behaviors as they arise and reject the negative ones. Another Dr. Phil saying is that we don't break habits, we replace them with new ones. I have to choose and practice new habits and behaviors if I want to replace the old ones. I will be patient and remind myself that I have a lot to work on and while I can't fix it all at once, I am making progress. Any time I choose to affirm myself, and choose truth over lies, that is a success! I will apply the scriptures (that are still rooted in my being) whenever they come to mind in the situations I run across (like the one about not letting unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. Confession: I have really developed a foul mouth that needs cleaned up!).

3. The kids and I will go to church on Sunday! I haven't been to church in months for various reasons (one being that I no longer feel that I have a church home). There is a church that I have always wanted to visit and that keeps coming to my mind every time I think about going back. I will finally go and check it out and see if maybe it would be a good fit/fresh start for us. If not, I will continue looking for a good fellowship of believers to get plugged in with.

I have so many other "changes" running through my head right now! I just want to keep going and going with "I'm going to start doing this...I'm going to stop doing that". That's what my "all or nothing" personality does! This is going to be hard to not start going absolutely crazy with trying to change so many things all at the same time. I have to remind myself to take it simple and slow...and I might actually change even more than I think without having to think TOO much! These three things are doable, and I will accomplish them this week!

I will remind myself of these goals the way Aslan told Jill in Narnia ("The Silver Chair")to keep reminding herself of the steps and signs she needed to remember to accomplish her mission. "Nothing else matters," he said. True that! This is priority number one and nothing else matters! I must remember my "mission" and concentrate on these goals! If I forget them, I will get distracted and off track just like she did in the story. I have to stay on track! I'll go over my goals out loud before I go to sleep; and even make myself identify and point out the things I did "right" that day.

THANK YOU to everyone who has been (and continues to be) in prayer for me! You love me more than I have loved myself! I appreciate it! I am getting there!! God bless you!