There Is No 1985

"The timeline skewed into this tangent creating an alternate 1985. Alternate to you, me, and Einstein; but reality for everyone else." - Doc Brown, "Back to the Future: Part II". 

I think this quote describe grief, mistakes, and regrets best. There are so many moments where life as we know it "skews" into a tangent and creates an alternate reality. The timeline changes and what you once knew to be "1985" is no longer 1985 to you anymore. Some people experience that foreign reality with you and know that something has changed. Nothing will be the same and you wish you had a time machine so you could go back and reset the timeline. Others go on with life as if nothing has happened.  

Grief has several stages: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. It's not a straight shot either. The shock takes a while to wear off and is an undercurrent for the next three for a while. Denial, anger, and bargaining take their turns; moment to moment and day by day. Sometimes, you almost think they're gone and that acceptance is right around the corner; waiting to greet you. Then, a trigger reminds you of the "alternate 1985" that you're living in; and you toggle through the stages some more. Grief truly is a process; and its timeline is one of the most endlessly varied ones there is. 

I think the "bargaining" stage is one of the hardest and cruelest things. It's where so many questions, "what ifs", and "if onlys" lurk. It's where the "time machine" lives. You revisit the past, imagine the scenarios that would have been if something were done differently, and start thinking about how that would make 1985 alright again. However, you know you can't change anything. The time machine needs to be left alone. You can't go back; and shouldn't even if you could. Time is in God's hands; not ours. Nothing can change a road not taken, a mistake made, or a person lost. About the only thing we can do with the time machine in our mind is go back to the best moments of life and think on all the good things (Philippians 4:8).

That's what I have tried to do in the midst of my own current grieving process. I gathered up my best moments and memories and was intent on making a blog post (but ended up making a video instead). This is the time machine I allow myself to use. It makes me feel like the "real 1985" still exists. Yet, it's sort of a danger because it makes me want to hold hands with denial more than I should. Grief sucks. It's hard.

It's the moments of knowing everything is in the past and can't be changed that the anger creeps up again. All the promises of the Bible that are embedded deeply in my heart start to feel like a lie. But, that's the twist (and we know where the "twisting" comes from); it's not a lie. I have to remember that there is a time for everything under the sun. It may be hard to understand the timing, but we can trust it (because we trust Him). Whenever something is hard and I wonder "why me?"; I have to ask "why Him?" I deserve to suffer; but Christ didn't. Yet, Jesus didn't spare Himself from suffering and death. He could have rescued Himself, but He didn't (well, not ultimately; though there were plenty of times He could have been taken out and wasn't...it's all according to the Father's timeline). He didn't spare His own cousin either (and poor John was sitting on death row wondering why because He knew and declared who Jesus was to all). Eventually, each one of us dies and faces judgment (Hebrews 9:27). With the exception of Enoch and Elijah, all will experience death (even Lazarus, who was raised from the dead by Jesus, still eventually died....again lol). Maybe we've had near misses in the past, and God has spared us from those near-death scenarios, but we won't get spared in this life every time. Our time will come; and we don't know when or how.

That point about John the Baptist (and many others in the Bible who weren't spared from suffering, tragedy, and death by our all-powerful God who could have stopped it if He wanted to) was brought up at Melissa Coy's memorial service. It's an important thing to remember because Jesus told us that we would have trouble, but that He has overcome it (John 16:33). I love it when the very things that God is telling/comforting me with show up in others too. That's the kind of perfect timing we all love! I was so glad that that was part of the message. It's assuring, affirming, and makes me feel confident that I'm hearing what Holy Spirit has been saying. It reminds me that there are no coincidences; God really is speaking and His truth is showing up in the hearts of so many at the same time! It's amazing and it makes any doubts fade into the background. We can trust the wisdom and timing of God; even when it doesn't make sense. We know that He has a plan and purpose for it all (Romans 8:28). 

The bottom line is this: there is no "1985". The timeline "skews" all the time. There's no normal; no baseline. The alterations are always happening; and they've been happening since the fall of man. The only TRUE and perfect timeline was before the fall; and that is why Jesus sacrificed His life for ours. Sin altered the timeline; but He reconciled it for good! He truly turned back time through His death and resurrection! Now, we wait for the day where it will be fully finalized and there will no more time at all; only eternity. Those who are in Christ are experiencing the joy of that right now; and this grief we're going through in missing them isn't like the grief of those who have no hope. However, those who died without putting their faith in Christ are experiencing eternal horror; and we truly mourn for their fate that cannot be changed. The finality of both should make us pause and think. It's truly the "Good News" for those who are already in His presence, but catastrophic for those who are not. Once we take our last breath here on Earth, our own personal timeline skews for one final time. This recent article about Ozzy Osbourne's death sums it up well; especially this part: 

Ozzy’s death is not about Ozzy

It’s about you.

The news of his death is not a tabloid event. It is a trumpet blast to the living. The man who once stood on stage and howled at the moon is now silent. The crowd is gone. The lights are off. And he is face to face with eternity.

So ask yourself: if the curtain fell tonight, would you be ready?

Do not play games with your soul. Do not wait to become a better version of yourself. Do not pretend that God is still deciding what to do with you.

He already has.

He sent His Son.

He opened the door.

And He promised – if you will repent and believe, you will be saved.

Not improved. Not reformed. Saved.

You will still die, but death will lose its power. It will become a doorway, not a sentence. And when the trumpet sounds, and your body rises, you will see Him – Christ – and He will not be your Judge. He will be your Joy.

I don't know much about Ozzy or where his heart was at (I truly hope he got saved). But I do know that we have a very different story with another celebrity that just passed: Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster accepted Christ and was baptized. We don't have to wonder who he put his faith in. 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Don't get stuck in the past. They're shadows of what has been. We live in the present, and that's the only time we truly have. The future isn't promised, so we have to make the best choices NOW while we still have "time". TODAY is the day of salvation. Once your timeline stops, that "skew" is the final decision. It will either skew up or down. Decide NOW which direction you want to go; because there are no time machines in Hell. Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve and follow the example of people like Melissa Coy who chose well. You can't alter the past, but you can still alter your future while there is still time to write it....so "make it a good one" by choosing to follow Jesus. Amen!

Welcomed Home to Heaven

This isn't the post I anticipated writing. No matter how bad things looked, I don't think any of us who were praying actually thought this would be the result. We prayed for and expected a miraculous healing. So many saw and prophesied it; and I do not believe it was wishful thinking. The faith of so many banded together to offer up powerful prayers. We all contended for it and we know that God is able (He's still good and nothing changes that). The stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance) have cycled through so many times and acceptance feels elusive. We wanted to see a testimony of miraculous healing and for it to happen on Earth as it is in heaven. 

However, God decided not to reveal His power and glory in that way. Instead, the Father decided to give Melissa Coy the ultimate reward of coming home into His arms today. For that reason, we can all rejoice and know that we don't grieve like those that have no hope. 

In times like these, I think about something that Chip Ingram said in his "The Real God" book/series (which I HIGHLY recommend). When talking about the wisdom of God, he shares this point from A.W. Tozer: 

All God's acts are done in perfect wisdom, first for His own glory, and then for the highest good of the greatest number for the longest time. And all His acts are as pure as they are wise, and as good as they are wise and pure. Not only could His acts not be better done: a better way to do them could not be imagined. An infinitely wise God must work in a manner not to be improved upon by finite creatures.

As true and comforting as that fact is, it's still hard. For me, and for all of us, it's difficult to accept that Melissa Coy's work here on Earth was considered finished and that she was called home so soon. One of the many things that I'm grateful for is the fact that she got to see her one and only child, Addison, reach adulthood and graduate this year. She was there for all those milestones in his life, but what about all the ones to come? It hurts me so much to think about all those future events that she won't be here for. I had prayed so much for a King Hezekiah moment of reversal where the Lord would heal her and give her more time. Though, like her husband Derek shared recently, nothing stopped her from being there for her family and for others while she was here. No matter what she had to sacrifice or persevere through, she did it; and did it willingly. She made every moment count and it brought her joy; even though she had to push through so much physical pain (I know all of this too well myself because we both had/have the back issues). She was strong, determined, and exuded God's love in all she did. Going through life henceforth without her presence is a horrible new reality; though the spirit of God that was with her is with us too. The work and fruit of the Spirit doesn't ever disappear; it stays and goes on. In that way, she'll always be here because all she did in His Name is still here and the Kingdom will always continue without end. 

Please, pray for Derek, Addison, and the rest of the family/friends/church family. God's wisdom is a hard thing to comprehend and see clearly in the midst of so much grief. Though, what I've come to understand after many personal losses in life, it will lead to a brighter path and we'll be transformed by that healing process into a better version of ourselves for the Kingdom if we choose to align with it. If we choose to embrace the ways that God wants to use it all for His good purposes (Romans 8:28), we will be refined by the fires instead of being destroyed by them (Isaiah 48:10, 1 Peter 1:3-9). Sometimes, the best people are taken so the ones left behind can become better ones. Unfortunately, sometimes we seem to grow more/become better versions of ourselves as a result of tragedy rather than victory. Again, God's wisdom. Melissa got a glorious welcome home to heaven where she is pain/care free. We still have to deal with ours (and the pain of missing her) but this is hers and heaven's gain. The Kingdom will continue to advance in the aftermath of all of this because God is still good and the fruit Holy Spirit produced in her life will have ripple effects forever!

I'm reminded of a few songs right now that bring comfort in this broken place. I think of a cover song by Nightbirde (an AGT golden buzzer contestant who loved Jesus and also tragically lost her battle with cancer). She declares "my God did not fail" as she sings "The Story I'll Tell". I listen to it quite often; as well as her original song "It's OK". Mandisa (whose family I still pray for regularly, because the sudden loss of her is still a big hurt as well) has a song called, "He is With You". Also, Ryan Stevenson's "Eye of the Storm" and "When We Fall Apart" (which is about how he lost his mother to cancer). All of these songs help get the ache out while simultaneously remembering the hope of Jesus and giving Him praise.

Grace and peace to you, my friends. I hope and pray that all of us will draw near to God and He will draw near to us; for He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (James 4:8, Jeremiah 29:12-14, Psalm 34:18). God doesn't waste the pain; the testimonies and spiritual growth that is bound to happen in all of us who are walking through this will yield good fruit in time. Melissa's blessed homecoming will very likely lead to the opportunity for more people to share in that eternity as God does whatever He plans to do in all our hearts and it spreads for good. Blessed testimonies, miracles, and salvations can and will begin from where her earthly journey ended. Love never fails. God IS love, and He does not fail. Amen!

The Broken Place

This past week has really been something; and I know that it hasn't just been me. I've seen a lot of hard things going on; both in the world and from friends and family. Stuff has just been difficult and heavy; though there have been some good things happening as well. My husband DID get that job that I mentioned in my last post and it's been going great! Praise God! Also, things have changed a lot in my job; which has been very bittersweet and messy with the hellos, goodbyes, and transitioning into the familiar but unfamiliar. It's all a bit stressful. It feels very awkward and weird to have the positive and negative all crash together at once  It's hard to process. The mood swings have been all over the place (perimenopause and chronic fatigue/pain doesn't help things either).

There's far too much to share and unpack, so I'll just get to the main point of this post. I wanted to share a poem that I wrote a couple days ago with the hope that it will bless others who are probably feeling the same way right now. Poetry seems to be the outlet that helps me the most. Reading it back continues to help and refresh me as well. All the ways that God gifts us to help others helps ourselves too. He gives good gifts to us (Matthew 7:11, Luke 11:13, James 1:17). 

This poem is called "The Broken Place" (and also echoes another poem called "Renewed Warrior" that I shared in a previous post). I just want you to know that being in that place is ok. It's ok not to be ok (listen to one of my go-to songs about that). Stuff hurts and we don't have to pretend it doesn't.  

Speaking of that, I think Kent Butcher did very well with talking about this stuff in his guest preaching at Vineyard a while back (MUST watch!). If we remember that God is a safe place to spill out all the good, bad, and ugly, we'll get through it all much better. Jesus suffered; and suffered FOR us. He knows. He knows it all. We can have our "Lieutenant Dan Moments" in a thunderstorm and know that God hears and cares. Jesus said that in this world, we would have trouble, but to take heart because He has overcome the world (John 16:33). Our perfect, flawless, and all-powerful Lord and Savior went through hardships when He was here in the body. He was tempted by satan and He was persecuted, plotted against, tortured, and killed by the very ones who are made in His image. How or why would we be exempt from suffering? He was not exempt. God didn't spare His own Son from hardship and suffering. Why act like all this that is happening to us is something strange? 

 

One thing we do know is that we don't suffer as the rest of the world suffers. For those in Christ, there is always hope and the assurance that it will all work out for good (Romans 8:28). The devil prowls around us like he prowled around Christ; waiting for "opportune times". He doesn't attack us any less because we are believers. He will attacks us just as much if not more. Yes, we keep our armor on and pray continually to rebuke evil and demolish strongholds (Ephesians 6:10-18, 2 Corinthians 10:4, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Yes, we have the same power in us that raised Christ from the grave (Ephesians 1:19-20). Yes, He is able (Ephesians 3:20). Yes, He heals and does the impossible (Isaiah 53:5, Matthew 19:26, Mark 10:27, Luke 18:27). However, that doesn't mean we are bulletproof. Satan will never stop coming at us. We still live in a fallen world and bad things do happen to "good" people. Though no one is truly "good"; even Christ said "why do you call me 'good'?" Remember, He who has overcome all things STILL had to suffer and go through the perils of all the evil that was done to Him...even though He could have stopped it (but then the scriptures could not have been fulfilled). If anyone didn't "deserve" the persecution, trials, and sufferings, it was Jesus. Yet, He didn't rescue Himself. He even rebuked a well-meaning Peter for saying that suffering and death shouldn't happen to Him. Jesus saw that the real enemy wasn't Peter, but satan (because we war not against flesh and blood). He addressed and rebuked the true enemy in that moment. Satan's only goal is to steal, kill, and destroy, but the Father's goal is to accomplish a greater purpose through all we walk through. It's especially true when we persevere and mature through much suffering; building our character and lacking nothing after suffering "a little while" (Romans 5:3-6, 1 Peter 5:10, James 1:2-4). "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:11.

 

Grace and peace to you, my friends! Tonight's Friday Worship Night blessed me even more as Jeremy emphasized the wonderful grace that we get to walk in; the undeserved mercy and forgiveness that we do not (and could never) earn. Jesus paid it all. That's the Good News and always will be the Good News even when we get bad news (and there has been a lot of bad news lately; PLEASE pray and contend hard for the healing of my friend, Melissa Coy and the family of a former schoolmate of mine who is grieving the loss of her and her son in a tragic accident). Keep praising Him from whatever broken place you're in. He will restore you! God bless you!